The Dear God of Why Won’t You *#?!!**#! Go to Sleep: Mythological Toddlers

256px-Mårten_Eskil_Winge_-_Tor's_Fight_with_the_Giants_-_Google_Art_ProjectWe all know the stories of some of the most famous figures in mythology, but have you ever wondered what they were like in their early years? Of course you haven’t. You’re a sane person with a busy life. You haven’t wondered. You didn’t ask. Nevertheless, I present a probably (*ahem*) accurate account of the toddler years of some mythological greats.

 
 
1. Narcissus

Narcissus was ultimately lured to a pool by Nemesis, where he fell in love with his own reflection. Unable to tear himself away, he stared at his beauty in the water until he died.

As a toddler, Narcissus could be found in TK Maxx, kissing his reflection in all the mirrors. Attempts to extract him were unsuccessful until bribery with biscuits was mentioned.

 
2. Odysseus

Odysseus was best known for his ten year journey to return to Ithaca following the Trojan War.

However, Odysseus was already no stranger to epic journeys. As a toddler, it would often take him two days to journey from the sofa to the front door, in order to comply with his mother’s wishes that he put his bloody shoes on so that they could leave the bloody house.

 
3. Pandora

Pandora, the first mortal woman, opened a jar out of curiosity and released all the evils of mankind upon the world.

The young Pandora trained for her eventual fate by opening a jar of sudocrem, releasing the evils of irremovable white gunk upon the carpet, sofas, baby and cat.

 
4. Orpheus

When Orpheus’ wife, Eurydices, died, he travelled to the Underworld to retrieve her. Hades and Persephone agreed to allow Eurydices to return, on condition that Orpheus walk in front of her and not look back until they both reached the upper world. Upon reaching the upper world himself, Orpheus forgot that he must not look back and looked at Eurydices, causing her to vanish back to the Underworld forever.

Orpheus had, in fact, struggled with the concept of not looking since early childhood. As a toddler, he was rubbish at hide and seek, telling Mummy where to hide and then looking before she even had a chance to reach her pre-agreed hiding place. Fortunately, Mummy never vanished into the Underworld, though she did on occasion hide in the bathroom to avoid further games of hide and seek.

 
5. Minos

As an adult, Minos made sacrifices to a Minotaur he had contained within a labyrinth.

As a toddler, early trials were conducted, consisting of attempts to contain the cat with Lego, before sending a baby sibling to investigate.

 
6. Sisyphus

Destined as an adult to spend eternity repeatedly rolling a boulder up a hill only to have it roll back down again, toddler Sisyphus could be found pursuing the futile task of trying to pick up ten balls at once, repeatedly dropping a ball already in his arms in each attempt to pick up another ball.

 
7. Demeter

Searching relentlessly for her abducted daughter Persephone, Demeter plunged the world into an eternal winter, in which all living things began to die, and the threat of the extinction of all life on Earth loomed.

The incident had its roots in the famous ‘Where’s Peppa, I Want Peppa NOW Tantrum’ of Demeter’s toddlerhood. Following the misplacement of her favourite Peppa Pig figurine, toddler Demeter plunged the living room into an eternal tantrum, in which Mummy’s patience began to die, and the threat of Baby Sister receiving a smack round the head with a toy stethoscope loomed.

 
8. Thor

Thor was a hammer-wielding god, associated with thunder, lightening and the protection of mankind.

In his early years, he was a hammer-wielding toddler, associated with tantrums, banging and the destruction of the living room.

 
9. Midas

As an adult, everything Midas touched turned to gold.

Midas possessed a version of this power even as a toddler, when everything he touched turned to broken pieces (or became inexplicably sticky).

 
10. Hypnos

Hypnos was, of course, the God of Sleep.

However, this was a position he obtained later in life. In his toddler years, Hypnos was actually the Dear God of Why Won’t You *#?!!**#! Go to Sleep?!

Freudian Psychology (Toddler Lessons: Part Six)

sigmund-freud-1153858_1280Welcome to Part Six of the Toddler Lessons series. Today we are studying Freudian Psychology.

 
Even if we ignore the Freudian slips (head in hands anyone whose toddler doesn’t say ‘clock’ when they mean to – that ‘l’ is awol every time), toddlers really nail the basics of Freudian psychology.

 
1. Psychoanalysis

(A therapy technique founded by Freud, involving the patient talking freely to describe exactly what is in his mind.)

 
Toddlers are fans of psychoanalysis. Mothers and fathers are forced daily into the role of psychotherapist by toddlers intent on telling the unfortunate parents absolutely every thought they have, as it happens.

 
2. Repression

(The process by which, according to Freud, unpleasant and traumatic events were often locked away in the unconscious mind.)

 
Repression is a common theme of toddler households. Parents of toddlers have typically repressed quite a lot. Every meal time. The current state of the living room. The time they received a bogey as a ‘gift’. What happened in M&S last Wednesday.

Toddlers, meanwhile, have repressed every instruction or request ever spoken by their parents. Being told ‘no’ is very traumatic, it must be relegated immediately to the unconscious mind.

 
3. Hysteria

(A condition used to describe patients displaying physical symptoms without physical cause.)

 
Toddlers are frequently found to be exhibiting symptoms of hysteria. Like, for example, throwing themselves on the floor, kicking and screaming, for no apparent reason.

 
4. Free Association

(A therapeutic technique encouraging patients to relate whatever comes into their minds, without too much concentration or any idea of where the conversation may go.)

 
Toddlers are excellent at free association. It enables them to get from ‘where’s my wand’ to ‘Grandma likes custard’ in no moves.

 
5. Your Mother

In Freudian psychology everything is, of course, famously about your mother.

For toddlers? Well: ‘Mummy…Mummy…Mummy…Mum…Mummy…Mummy…Mum…Mummy…MUUUUMMMMY!’
Moving on.

 
6. The Human Psyche

According to Freudian psychology, the human psyche is divided into the id (basic impulses, unconscious, pleasure driven), the super-ego (moral compass), and the ego (the balance between the id and the super-ego, the rational element). In a conflict between the id and the super-ego, the ego serves as the referee.

For toddlers, in a conflict between the id and the super-ego, the id beats the super-ego repeatedly with a stick, whilst the ego takes a nap. The result is the toddler’s decision to continue doing whatever he wants, regardless of consequences or social niceties. (This makes sense, of course, The id is, after all, the childlike element of the psyche. Toddlers are inexplicably childlike.)

 
7. Dreams

Freud believed dreams were about wish fulfilment.

Toddlers do not agree that dreams are about wish fulfilment. Toddlers have parents for that. Mummy will fulfill the wish of more biscuits if Mummy doesn’t want toddler shrieking to haunt her dreams.

 
8. Transference

(Unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another.)

 
Toddlers display transference quite a lot, though it usually relates to requests more than feelings, and it’s entirely conscious. Typically, a request that has been denied by Mummy in transferred to Daddy. If denied by Daddy, the request may be transferred to grandparents, baby siblings, or random strangers on the street.

 
 

(Please Note: You may have analysed me carefully throughout this post and concluded I do not know much about Freudian psychology. You would be right. I blame my mother.)

 
 
You can see other posts in my Toddler Lessons series here

 
 

My Random Musings

A Quick Guide to the Blog

blog-headerDespite knowing it was The Toddler’s birthday (and receiving due thanks), I managed to miss my birthday. Well, not my birthday, but the blog’s birthday. It was last month. Just before The Toddler’s, in fact. As discussed, I knew it was The Toddler’s birthday, so probably should have been able to remember the blog’s birthday. But I didn’t. Too late now. Let it Go, as we DO NOT sing in this house.

Having entirely failed to write a first birthday post for the blog, I have decided to write an introductory/guide post for the blog instead. This is it, by the way. It’s an inauspicious start to such a post, admittedly. It may get better. It may not. There’s only one way to find out.

The blog started when The Toddler was about to turn two, and The Baby was eight months old, It began its life as a series of humorous posts about things The Toddler said and did. Occasionally The Baby was involved. The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week series was quickly born, and is fairly self explanatory. Recently, the series has gained a ‘Baby’s Corner’ section for the now chatty Baby.

Of course, over the year, the blog has evolved somewhat. The Baby is now also a toddler. A change of names for them is therefore long overdue, and was even planned (there was a vote and everything), but it turns out I’m quite attached to the original names. The central tenets of humour and toddlers remain. The Ten Funniest Things feature continues, as do some posts documenting The Toddler’s exploits. They frequently seem to involve her slightly concerning adventures as a doctor-hairdresser (she does think that’s a thing). Her efforts trick or treating at Halloween were a particular highlight for me.

However, you will now also find my attempts at witty observations on life with toddlers, lessons from physics to art via mathematics as brought to you by toddlers, tips on crafts and baking with toddlers for those failing at Pinterest (and motherhood), and the occasional parody (these may not be my strong point). Oh, and Christmas. So excited was the blog about Christmas, it really should have its own category (the parodies may have gone into overdrive). There is even the very occasional serious post tucked in there.

You can select categories of posts from the drop down menus along the top of the blog. These are separated into funny and serious posts, and then further subcategories (lists, The Toddler, The Baby, Randoms…). The Toddler Lessons and Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said series can both be found under funny posts. If you would like to follow me on social media, the links can also be found along the top.

 
 
So, that is a summary of what you can find on the blog. If you decide to stick around, I hope you enjoy the surreal ramblings and eccentric toddlers on offer.

 
 
If you want a selection of favourite/popular posts from a completely biased source (me), you could take a look at a few from the list below.

 
Toddler Lessons Series

My favourites are probably Toddler Art or Toddler Literature, the most viewed is Toddler Laws of Physics.

 
Favourite Funnies

Game Show Skills Acquired by Parents of Toddlers

The Toddler West

Toddler Proverbs

Slogans for World War Terrible Twos

Toddler Interior Design Tips

No one Expects The Toddler Inquisition: Toddler Torture Methods

How (Not) to Make an Easter Nest With Toddlers

The Toddler Riddle

The Toddler Highway Code

The Sheriff of Downing Street: Have We Regressed to the Middle Ages?

 
Favourite Serious Posts

Only the Weak Are Cruel

Why Breast v Formula Should Not Be a Debate

‘I Want to Know What That Is’, by Toddler (A Foreigner Parody)

people-315908_1280Sorry, I am afraid I am writing parodies again. This time of I want to Know What Love Is, by Foreigner. (You can hear the original here.)

 
 
I Want to Know What That Is

(By Toddler)

 
I gotta take a little time
A little time to colour the books here
I better scribble on every line
In case anyone wants to read the Shakespeare

Now this bookcase I must climb
Feels like Mummy wants me not to
This happens all the time
All the fun things I cannot do

In my life there have been tantrums and tears
All your warnings fall on deaf ears
Can’t stop now, I’m running away
To knock down that display

I want to know what that is
I want you to show me
I want to touch what that is
I demand that you let me

I’m gonna take a little time
A little time to vanish in the shop
I’ve got nowhere left to hide
It looks like I’ll have to throw a strop

In my life there’s been tantrums and tears
All your warnings fall on deaf ears
Can’t stop now, I’m running away
To knock down that display

I want to know what that is
I want you to show me
I want to touch what that is
I demand that you let me

I want to know what that is
I want you to show me
I want to touch, I want to touch what that is
Right now, I demand that you let me

Let’s talk about that
I want to know what that is, before I throw a fit
I want to you to show me, because I’m feeling quite grabby
I want to touch what that is, no, you just cannot hide it
I know you can show me

I want to know what that is, let’s talk about that
I demand that you show me, I want to have it now
I want to touch what that is, I want to touch it now
And I know, and I know, I know you WILL show me
Show me cos it’s mine
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT IS

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

Pass the Sauce Linky – Week 6

Having successfully managed not to actually break the linky last week, I am very pleased that the lovely Agent Spitback has allowed me to co-host her #PasstheSauce linky again this week.

I regret to inform you, however, that both The Toddler and The Baby have been fired from their positions as Mini Co-co-host 1 and Mini Co-co-host 2. They were, frankly, utterly useless last week. They did not pull their weight at all. Not a single post read or commented on between them, not even a whiff of a tweet sent. Disappointing. (On the plus side, I may have finally succeeded in finding the long needed new names for The Toddler and The Baby. Mini Co-co-hosts 1 and 2 has a ring to it, right? No?)

I am very much looking forward to reading your amazing posts. Therefore, following just a few rules and some fantastic featured posts, let’s get on with the linky.

 
 
The Gospel According to the Agent informs us:

‘#PasstheSauce Linky, like all the sauces in the world, welcomes all sorts of posts, from crafts, reviews, rants, DIY, parenting, stories, poetry, humour, just about anything and everything. Remember this is all about community and spreading the #blogginglove.

So dust off those cake crumbs, please comment on the Host post, the Guest Co-Host and the post before yours, and of course any other posts you would like to read and comment. If you do not put the badge or comment, you will not be eligible in being featured. It is not about the linky, it is all about the community. You can’t blog alone!’

 
 
The Most Viewed Post Winner

Our most viewed post Winner this week is Susan Mann – Starting Nursery and How it Is Going. A lovely post on how her daughter is settling in Nursery. Susan knows how much I love those shoes!!
Congratulations, Susan, please take your badge crown!

 

R is for Hoppit

 
#PasstheSauce Picks of the Week

The Agent’s Picks:

1. Double the Monkey Business – The Bedtime Ninja. I’m sure we’ve all had our own little bedtime ninjas, wriggling into our beds! This is a creative and funny way of telling that story!

2. Handy Herbs – Miniature Peter Rabbit Garden. Sara shows us a fun way to create a miniature garden, Peter Rabbit style, including a little blue jacket and gates. Go and have a peek as my words cannot do her pictures justice.

Silly Mummy’s Picks:

1. Mummy in a Tutu – How to Get Noticed as a Blogger…Boobs & Arse. Katie, in conjunction with Catie from Diary of an Imperfect Mother, rules out flashing boobs and arse in favour of blogging for yourself and not comparing yourself to others. Wise words of reassurance for those feeling lost in a sea of blogs.

2. Life is Knutts – The Key to a Happy Marriage in 10 Easy Steps. Gemma provides her hilarious and realistic guide to maintaining a happy relationship. Check it out. And remember not to go overboard with spousal appreciation – a thumbs up will suffice.

 
 
The Rules

Please link up ONE post, old or new.

They can be on any subject, except giveaways.

Please use the linky badge on any posts you link up.

Please comment on the post before yours, and also on both host* and co-host posts.

Please comment and share the blogging love. You will only receive back what you give out, except for Cake.

The linky will run from 11am (GMT) Tuesday to 11am Thursday. We will share any posts that have been tweeted to us using the hashtag #Passthesauce and our twitter names @AgentSpitback and @sillymummy88.

If you link up, you are agreeing to be notified of future link ups.

*Important message from the Agent, regarding her linked post:

‘I am experimenting this week. FOR MY HOST POST this week, I am linking my Facebook Post as my Host Post — feel free to give a comment (or not), OR a Like (or not), OR a share (or not), OR just laugh (or not)! No pressure here, I am just up to my usual nonsense at testing the boundaries. I just want to do something different, and share posts that I normally do not publish on my blog. If you can’t see or comment on the Facebook post for whatever reason, feel free to comment on any of my other posts on my blog.’

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

Game Show Skills Acquired by Parents of Toddlers

Richard-OBrien-Crystal-MazeParents of toddlers: without realising it, you have been receiving crack training to compete in, and win, a variety of game and panel shows.

Here are your newly acquired game show strengths. Go forth and make your fortunes/win a fridge freezer.

 
 
1. The Generation Game

You may not be aware that tidying up toddlers’ toys provides perfect training for The Generation Game‘s conveyor belt. Every night is essentially the conveyor belt, as you desperately try to recall what toys there should be in order to hunt them down and return them to their proper place: ‘Ball…Peppa Pig figures…Four tea cups…A spatula…Four spoons…A frying pan…A kettle…CUDDLY TOY…A stethoscope…A thermometer…A reflex hammer….Six dinosaurs…A bus…CUDDLY TOY…Baby doll…Lego, so much Lego…Two wands…Dominoes…Princess Holly…Nanny Plum…Gaston the ladybird…WHERE’S GASTON THE LADYBIRD??’ Your prize for remembering all the toys on the conveyor belt of mess is not getting a George Pig figure up your arse when you sit on your sofa.

 
2. The Crystal Maze

The Crystal Maze poses no challenge to you, the parents of toddlers. Why, just this morning, you negotiated an obstacle course of Lego, walked the balance beam of the back of the sofa, and stood precariously on one foot on a shelf in order to reach a small plastic pig that was somehow on top of the DVD tower. Throughout this challenge, you were receiving massively unhelpful ‘assistance’ screamed at you by your teammates/toddlers. Essentially, this is The Crystal Maze: completing ridiculous physical challenges to obtain a pointless object, while people you hold fully responsible for your ordeal yell ‘help’ at you.

 
3. Call My Bluff

This is most of your day when dealing with toddlers: only one thing in every three you tell them is actually true, and the question is whether they can work out which it is.

 
4. Knightmare

Parents of toddlers spend much of their time receiving incomprehensible instructions from excitable children, the following of which tends to achieve very little except for a likely collision with some kind of obstacle. This is basically the format of Knightmare. Parents of toddlers: you are ready.

 
5. Mastermind

Extensive knowledge of an obscure and ridiculous topic? Yes, toddler parents, you have that covered. Not by your own free will, mind you, but covered nonetheless.
‘What is your specialist subject?’
‘Ahem……(*mumbles*)’
‘Speak up, please.’
‘Nanny Plum’s various magic spells for creating far too much jelly, custard, ice cream and other squidgy desserts.’
You will, however, be confused by ‘I’ve started so I’ll finish’. The concept of finishing a sentence (or task, or cup of tea) will not be one you are able to grasp.

 
6. Give Us a Clue

Deciphering the meaning of some frantic hand gestures and a bit of foot stamping, unaccompanied by any actual words? An average Tuesday for the toddler parent, and preparation for a Give Us a Clue winning streak.

 
7. Gladiators

Nobody is better than a parent of toddlers at successfully crossing a space while avoiding missiles being pelted at their head. Furthermore, running the gauntlet is actually the accepted method for parents to successfully make it from the living room to the kitchen. Wolf and Jet would have been eating the dust of toddler parents.

 
8. Scrapheap Challenge

As a toddler parent, you complete a miniature version of this contest daily, being expected to build a working toy from the gathered scraps of toy presented by your toddler.

 
9. I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue

Essentially, this game involves performing a variety of silly tasks for the amusement of the gathered audience, while frankly not having a clue what’s going on. Toddler parents, you are so adept at this game, you can probably not have a clue in your sleep.

 
10. University Challenge

Strangely, spending time with toddlers is not unlike competing on University Challenge. You will be incessantly asked questions you don’t know the answer to, mostly put to you in a rude and mocking tone. These will be followed by additional bonus questions you also don’t know the answers to, delivered even more rudely than before. Admittedly, you have probably not been equipped to actually win University Challenge, but you would certainly be able to withstand Jeremy Paxman without crying.

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

Pass the Sauce Linky – Week 5

I am very excited that the amazing Agent Spitback has allowed me to co-host her lovely #PasstheSauce linky with her. Behold: my first linky post!

The Toddler is, of course, also very excited. (‘I want to try a link up! I’m thinking about doing link ups. Mummy, you can you do your link up while I’m thinking about doing my link up. I think I’ll do it next week.’ Agent Spitback? New co-host for you next week? Very enthusiastic.) Granted, The Toddler does not know what she’s excited about, but she is not one to let that get in her way, and is excited nonetheless. The Baby is also very excited, as long as The Toddler suggests it to her. Anything I suggest to The Baby tends to be met with: ‘No!’ Unless it’s biccys.

The Toddler, The Baby and I* are very much looking forward to reading all the wonderful posts we know will be linked up. Therefore, without further ado…except for a few rules (no ado, some rules)…oh, and some featured posts (no ado, a little fanfare, some rules)…let’s get on with the linky.

(*Admittedly, this may mostly be me. All attempts by The Toddler to read your posts are likely to result in an announcement that they say: ‘Dear The Toddler…’ The Baby believes all writing says ‘cake’. Agent Spitback may agree with her on that one.)

 
 
The Gospel According to the Agent informs us:

‘#PasstheSauce Linky, like all the sauces in the world, welcomes all sorts of posts, from crafts, reviews, rants, DIY, parenting, stories, poetry, humour, just about anything and everything. Remember this is all about community and spreading the #blogginglove.

So dust off those cake crumbs, please comment on the Host post, the Guest Co-Host and the post before yours, and of course any other posts you would like to read and comment. If you do not put the badge or comment, you will not be eligible in being featured. It is not about the linky, it is all about the community. You can’t blog alone!’

 
 
The Most Viewed Post Winner

Our most viewed post Winner this week is Domesticated Momster – Marriage Does Not Work on Auto-Pilot!
Congratulations, Trista, please take your badge crown!

 

R is for Hoppit

 
#PasstheSauce Picks of the Week

The Agent’s Picks :

1. Domesticated Momster – Marriage Does Not Work on Auto-Pilot – This is a first! Most Viewed & Featured Blogger For #PasstheSauce, but this post is definitely a must read. Trista writes honestly about what a marriage is really about – work, lots of work. But along with that reality, comes the realisation that there is also love. It is no surprise to me that Trista is the first to be Most Viewed and Featured Blogger – the post is well worth a read.

2. We Forgot The Sperm – Give Elsa a Girlfriend – This is a brilliant post about the latest twitter trending, #GiveElsaAGirlfriend, and Laura’s take on this. She says brilliantly – “Why can’t we just leave it there? Why can’t Elsa’s story be that she doesn’t “need” romantic love?” I loved Frozen precisely because it was about sibling love.

Rhyming With Wine’s Picks :

1. 1 week to 30 – A Look Back on My 20s – A fantastic post by “Our Rach”, which tells the story of her twenties: the ups and downs, the hairstyles (*keeps a straight face*) and the lessons learned. Happy birthday! Welcome to the cool side of 30! This is where the best cake is at!

2. This Mum’s Life – I’m Better Than A Disney Parent – I laughed all the way through this one, and was particularly impressed by the expert knowledge of Julie Andrews’ characters and story lines. I must admit that I will never quite watch either of these two particular legendary films again in quite the same way. Just fantastic! Please pop by and have a read.

 
 
The Rules

Please link up ONE post, old or new.

They can be on any subject, except giveaways.

Please use the linky badge on any posts you link up.

Please comment on the post before yours, and also on both host and co-host posts.

Please comment and share the blogging love. You will only receive back what you give out, except for Cake.

The linky will run from 11am (GMT) Tuesday to 11am Thursday. We will share any posts that have been tweeted to us using the hashtag #Passthesauce and our twitter names @AgentSpitback and @sillymummy88.

If you link up, you are agreeing to be notified of future link ups.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

Fairy Tales – I Demand Answers

hempsted1-1I have made an error. I have started to try to apply logic to fairy tales, and now I have a few questions. Not least, why did I not think there was anything odd about these stories as a child?

Cinderella

1. What size are Cinderella’s feet that, of all the maidens in the land, the glass slipper only fits her foot? My shoes would probably fit twenty other women just on my street. (Funny story: Prince William meant to marry Sharon, who he met down the Student Union one night. Sharon sadly passed out in the toilet and got taken home by her mate Denise before Wills could get her name. However, he did find one of her Louboutins, kicked off for whatever reason drunk people feel the need to remove their shoes, and set about tracking down the fair maiden/drunk student to whom it belonged. Unfortunately, Sharon had a very common shoe size and there was a terrible misunderstanding. I digress.)

2. In any case, why didn’t the glass slipper vanish at midnight like everything else the fairy godmother magicked up?

Snow White

3. If the wicked step mother wanted proof that Snow White had been killed, why didn’t she ask for her head, not her heart? A head is a much more identifying feature. If only she’d asked for the head, she would have instantly suspected the huntsman had, in fact, killed a deer.

The Princess and the Pea

4. Why does identifying a pea under fifty mattresses prove someone is a princess? Moreover, if that ‘skill’ is indeed evidence of being a real princess, why did no one think to stick a pea under all those women claiming to be Anastasia Nikolaevna?

Rapunzel

5. Why was the prince bringing Rapunzel a small piece of silk each night with which to weave a ladder, thus ensuring her escape was so slow Dame Gothel found out? Why didn’t he bring a large piece of rope the first night and get on with it? Admittedly, he may not have expected Rapunzel to be so foolish as to tell Dame Gothel. However, it’s a fairy tale – surely he could have banked on everyone being a complete idiot, and taken precautions? (Perhaps he was hindered by being a character in a fairy tale, and thus a complete idiot.)

Hansel and Gretel

6. Hansel and Gretel overheard their parents discussing leaving them in the woods, so Hansel devised a cunning plan to allow them…to return to their parents. The ones who had worked really hard to lose them. How did they think that was going to work out?

7. Furthermore, why, when Hansel’s first plan led to the predictable outcome of them being abandoned in the woods again, did Hansel proceed to come up with the same plan, but stupider?

8. Most importantly, their father apparently loved the children and did not want to go along with the stepmother’s plan (twice, he went along with it twice). The stepmother’s plan, you may recall, was formulated due to the fact that they could not afford to feed all of the family. No one, least of all Hansel and Gretel, ever appears to have questioned why, given the key facts that he couldn’t afford to feed all of the family, he loved his children, and his wife was a callous old bat, the father didn’t dump the wife instead of the kids. That would also have reduced the mouths to feed.

Sleeping Beauty

9. Having put everyone to sleep, the good fairy summons a forest of thorns and brambles to shield the castle and prevent anyone from disturbing the princess. What? Why would she do that? Someone was meant to disturb the princess. The whole point of the counter-curse to make her sleep instead of die was so that the prince could disturb her: why are we making this difficult? Anyone?

Rumpelstiltskin

10. Apparently, following the final night of gold spinning, the girl was married to the king the next day and a year later gave birth to a baby, but had forgotten her promise to Rumpelstiltskin. Of course. A year is a long time. Who hasn’t forgotten when their idiot mother/father (depends on the version) offered them to a sadistic king to perform the impossible task of spinning straw into gold, a task which was actually achieved by a small, magical man for the bargain price of their first born child. Could easily slip your mind. Nine months of pregnancy, no little niggle in the back of her mind: ‘Something about babies…my baby…giving someone my baby? No, it’s no use – it’s gone.’ Completely plausible.

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

 
 

Linked up with Share With Me at Let’s Talk Mommy and…

Toddler Proverbs

cat-20688_1920Not many people know, but toddlers love a good proverb. Obviously, I am aware that many of you turn to R is for Hoppit for our aspirational lifestyle guidance. As such, I felt it was my duty to compile this list of ten pieces of proverbial wisdom toddlers in the know swear by.

 
1. Two wrongs…are just the start.

 
2. Cleanliness is next to impossible.

 
3. Fortune favours the downright cheeky

 
4. Never look an angry cat in the mouth.

 
5. A watched mummy will eventually provide biscuits. Really stare.

 
6. If it ain’t broke, try harder.

 
7. Too many toddlers spoil the sofa.

 
8. Good things come to those who demand them. NOW.

 
9. If you play with fire, you’ll get burned. Like the last time. And the time before that.

 
10. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (i.e. slap each other).

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

The Toddler West

Gird_block_tombstoneIf toddler settlers have arrived at your house, you are probably experiencing frontier expansion. Like the frontiersmen of the Wild West, Toddler settlers believe in Manifest Destiny. Everything is theirs, just waiting for them to stake their claim. As such, toddler frontiersmen push forward, seizing rooms and property from the native parents of the house. Welcome to the Toddler West.

 
1. Cat Drives

In a similar, though not entirely identical, endeavour to that of the settlers of the Wild West, toddler frontiersmen frequently engage in cat driving (no, that isn’t written wrongly). Toddler cowboys (catboys), riding broomsticks, make valiant attempts to herd the cat into the frontier lands. Cat herding, however, is a difficult job. The cats, taking refuge behind the sofa, often have to be left behind as the quest for new settlements continues.

Some extremely foolish toddler settlers set themselves up as cat rustlers. Attempts to rustle cats who have already been subjected to toddler herding are not advisable.

 
2. The Gold Rush

The gold rush is as popular with toddler settlers as it was with the settlers of the West. Transient communities of toddlers spring up around shiny items. These communities are greed driven and prone to violence. Once the shiny items reserves have been depleted (eaten/lost under the sofa), the settlements are deserted. The toddlers move on to the next room, leaving a ghost town – littered with the remnants of toddler life (Lego, mostly) – in the living room.

 
3. Tending the Land

In the early days of the West, frontiersmen tended to farm their land poorly, abandoning settlements once the land was ruined. Toddler settlers employ similar methods, destroying rooms and moving on.

 
4. Law and Order

Toddler frontier settlements, like those of the Wild West, are often lawless. Parental sheriffs frequently lack authority in the face of toddlers armed with an abundance of weapons (Lego, mostly).

All toddlers settlers are, of course, outlaws. Toddlers have never heard a rule they can’t ignore. Seriously, they never heard a rule. They were shouting at the time.

The frequency of duelling and brawling in the Wild West is often suggested to have been exaggerated. The frequency of duelling and brawling in toddler frontier settlements has not been exaggerated.

Toddler highwaymen are a constant threat to baby siblings carrying treasure (Lego, mostly).

The bandits of the Wild West frequently robbed banks and trains. Toddler bandits take train robbery very literally, making off with the whole train (bonus points if a sibling was playing with it at the time).

 
5. Disease

Much like the settlers of the American West, toddler frontiersmen have an unfortunate habit of transmitting disease to the native occupants (parents) of their settled lands.

 
6. Squatters

As in the Wild West, Squatters are rife on the toddler frontier. Toddler squatters are commonly found in parents’ bedrooms, on the living room floor at bedtime, and in bathrooms other people are trying to use.

 
7. Gunslinging

The gunslingers of the Wild West have their parallels in the dangerous raisinslingers of the Toddler West. Raisinslingers stalk the toddler streets, brandishing boxes of raisins. With their quick draw and keen aim, raisinslingers are able riddle entire rooms with their small, squishy bullets.

 
8. Wand Fight at the O.K. Corral

The settlement of Toddlerstone is, of course, known for the notorious Wand Fight at the O.K. Corral. The famed toddler stand off left multiple toddlers pretending to have been turned into frogs.

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

 
 

Mumzilla

Shameless Plea Post: BiB Awards Shortlisted Blog

BritMums

This is not the post I was expecting to be writing today. It would appear that I have somehow been shortlisted in the category of ‘Writer’ in the Britmums Brilliance in Blogging Awards.

Now, this was something of a shock in many ways. Not least because I, having no previous experience of blogging awards, had assumed that the shortlisted bloggers were notified privately before the list was published. Therefore, when I saw the link for the shortlisted bloggers on someone’s facebook page, I opened it just to have a bit of a nosy at who got through. Obviously, I knew I hadn’t got through. I hadn’t been notified, after all. Well, I merrily scanned my way through half of the list, pleased to see some favourites on there, before I saw ‘R is for Hoppit’. I carried on scanning for about two seconds. Wait. R is for Hoppit? That seems familiar. What??

Of course, I picked up my phone and started to call the parents. I hung up the phone. Obviously, I had imagined seeing my blog. It was going to be very embarrassing explaining that I had accidentally announced my imaginary shortlisting. I returned to the list and performed further checks. I could still see it. I called the parents.

Following this, I realised I had no idea what I was supposed to do next. Get a bit excited, go on twitter, hope it didn’t turn out to be a mistake – this seemed like a good initial plan. Anyway, I have now received my notification from Britmums, I have not yet been informed of a terrible mistake, and therefore I am going in and writing my shameless plea post (et voila).

All I want to say is that I am very excited to have been shortlisted. I love writing, and I am particularly pleased to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category.* I am very grateful to everyone who nominated me. I will obviously be thrilled if anyone would like to vote for me now, and the link is below.

If anyone wants to know how this works, the shortlisted bloggers will now be whittled down to five finalists in each category, comprised of the two with the most public votes and three selected by judges. Voting closes at midnight on 18th May 2016. Each person can only submit one voting form. You can vote here.

Of course, I would love and appreciate votes, but there are so many fantastic and talented bloggers in each category – all deserving of votes – that I would like to say please do make sure you vote, whether for me or not.

Thank you to everyone who reads and supports my blog, and thank you for reading my shameless plea post. I will now leave everyone alone, and return to being overly excited quietly over here.

Thank You For Knowing It’s My Birthday: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

birthday-874783_1920It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things Feature. The Toddler is pleased Silly Mummy knew it was her birthday, while The Baby won’t be tricked into admitting anything.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On her birthday, remembered

It’s The Toddler’s third birthday. She has just had her breakfast, and is about to start opening presents, when she turns to Silly Mummy and politely declares: ‘Thank you for knowing it’s my birthday.’ (A further sweet thank you for knowing it was her birthday has been repeated most days since.)

2. On drawing, mandatory

The Silly Family are out for dinner. The Toddler is doing some colouring while she waits for her food. The waiter brings over the food and apologises: ‘Sorry for the wait.’
The Toddler looks at him and gestures at her paper: ‘I had to draw a lovely picture.’ Yes, look what The Toddler was driven to. Are you happy now, Waiter? She was forced to draw a lovely picture here. Because of you.

3. On Grandma, allowed to read

Grandma is visiting and it is The Toddler’s bedtime. The Toddler is objecting to going to bed while Grandma is downstairs. Silly Mummy asks: ‘Do you want Grandma to read you a book?’
The Toddler is in full sulky mode: ‘No!’ She stomps up the stairs. Halfway up she relents, grudgingly: ‘Oh, alright. If I must, Grandma can read a book.’

4. On abandoning ships

The Toddler has found a way to add some much needed drama to the simple act of getting off the sofa. She clambers down, yelling, ‘Abandon ship!’

5. On becoming a doctor

The Toddler is going to be seeing Grandad later. Silly Mummy has been explaining that Grandad might not play The Toddler’s chasing game because he has a bad knee. A short time later, The Toddler is on her toy phone: ‘Hello, is that Doctor Brown Bear?…Okay…Yes…Bye.’ The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy: ‘I called Doctor Brown Bear, and he has made me the doctor so I can look after Grandad’s leg.’

6. On her recorder

The Toddler has got a recorder. She is pleased with it: ‘I love my recorder so much. I ever don’t want to take it back to Tescos!’ (The recorder didn’t actually come from Tesco – The Toddler thinks all shops are Tesco.)

7. On seeing friends, on the side

The Toddler is going to an interactive play centre with her Little Friend. However, suspicions are raised that The Toddler may actually be cheating on another toddler friend, when she announces: ‘Today we’re going to see Little Friend on the side!’

8. On hair brushing

The Toddler is stalking Silly Mummy, ominously brandishing a hairbrush: ‘Now, do you want your hair brushed?’ No, not really. The Toddler proceeds regardless. It appears she has noticed that her clients are not always happy with the hair brushing service they receive: ‘And no shouting while I’m brushing your hair.’

9. On Silly Mummy, a bother

The Toddler is on her toy phone, as usual calling ‘Grandma’: ‘Hello, Grandma? Mummy’s a bit of a bother.’ The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘Aren’t you, Mummy?’ Rude, frankly.

10. On The Baby, her little face

The Toddler has formulated a cunning plan for situations in which she has been asked to stop doing something: exploit The Baby. Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler not to do any more forward flips. The Toddler implores: ‘But look at The Baby’s little face. She so wants to do some more!’ (The Baby is not at all interested – she wasn’t doing flips in the first place. Her little face is ambivalent/bemused.)

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby is cuddling her bear, Wilberforce. She approaches Silly Mummy and Grandad, clutching Wilberforce happily. Grandad asks: ‘Have you got Wilberforce?’
The Baby is concerned. This is probably a trick. She should not admit to anything. She sneakily flings Wilberforce across the room and answers the question: ‘No!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

 
 

Diary of an imperfect mum

My Name Is Silly Mummy, and I Am a Rubbish Birth Planner

birth-961805_1920I have seen lots of birth plans. Lovely birth plans. Birth plans made by people who have conscientiously researched and deliberated in order to plan for the best birth possible. Hypnobirthing, home water births, doulas. I’m very impressed by these plans, but they do make me wonder if there are other people like me out there. People who didn’t exactly, well, bother.

Am I the only person whose interest in the birth plan was somewhat, um, limited? Anyone? Rubbish pregnant women of the world: unite! Please.

Maybe I’m a bit negative, or a bit lazy, but it seemed to me that the birth was going to happen anyway, and be unpleasant anyway, so I kind of didn’t bother much with the plans for it.

My birth plan was primarily for the baby to exit my person. Preferably without anaesthetics (I’m scared of anaesthetics).

Now, I’m not entirely useless: I did give some consideration to the details. In so far as I filled out the NHS birth plan you can get online. Well, I say I filled it out. For the most part, I looked at it and thought, ‘How should I bloody know if I will want a ball, or am going to stand up? I don’t know what I’ll feel like at the time.’

My birth plans therefore read as follows: don’t know, don’t know, don’t know, NO EPIDURAL, don’t know, don’t know, don’t care, couldn’t give a rat’s arse, yes to random injections for everyone as required (as long as they’re not secretly epidurals), don’t care, don’t know.

To my knowledge, no one ever looked at my birth plans, so I’m quite glad I didn’t make the effort. As it turns out, to the extent that I made birth plans, they were entirely realistic and followed to a tee – the babies came out. That’s a win for the rubbish pregnant women, right? Right?

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

The Princess and The Toddler

grace-kelly-394485_1280The Toddler (sadly, from Silly Mummy’s point of view) is a big fan of princesses. She obtains most of her princess information from Disney films, but today is expanding her field of knowledge to include real princesses.

Of course, Silly Mummy starts with Princess Grace of Monaco, the closest any real person will ever be to a Disney princess. The Toddler likes Princess Grace. She wore pretty clothes and was beautiful. However, there seems to be some mix up with Ben and Holly, as The Toddler insists: ‘And can you show me her elf?’ Yes, The Toddler has confused real princesses with fairy princesses, and therefore believes they must have an elf. Putting aside many issues relating to The Toddler’s grasp on reality, this does also raise questions about what The Toddler believes Ben Elf’s relationship to Princess Holly is. Evidently, she believes princesses own elves. Does she consider poor old Ben to be Holly’s pet?

Attempts to show The Toddler Princess Grace’s prince are abandoned when Silly Mummy looks more closely at the picture she is waving at The Toddler and concludes it was probably from Grace Kelly’s Hollywood days, not her princess days. On account of the man appearing to be Clark Gable, not Prince Rainier of Monaco. Easy mistake to make. In fairness, The Toddler would not have challenged it.

Moving on from Princess Grace, The Toddler is shown a picture of a young Princess Elizabeth and Princess Margaret. The Toddler, presumably thinking about her own sister, points at Princess Margaret, and says, ‘And is that the naughty sister?’ Silly Mummy snorts at the accidental accuracy of this question, and considers showing her a picture of Edward VIII just to see what would happen. But then it would be a little worrying if she did ask: ‘And is that the Nazi uncle?’

Princesses Beatrice, Eugenie and Anne do not impress The Toddler – they are not wearing suitably princess-y dresses. Princess Charlotte causes some confusion, as she appears, in The Toddler’s opinion, to be a baby.

Silly Mummy’s princess knowledge exhausted, help in locating princesses is sought from Google. Some of the European princesses are deemed to be acceptable by The Toddler, but she has one key question about each one: ‘Can she dance with a dress?’ (We’ve moved on from fairy princesses, who own elves, to Cinderella, whose purpose is to get a new dress and attend a ball.)

Silly Mummy feels that enough princesses have been looked at. The Toddler objects: she is looking at princesses. Silly Mummy points out that she is not, in fact, looking at princesses anymore. Silly Mummy is looking at princesses (not a favoured hobby of Silly Mummy’s), while The Toddler runs around the room, ignoring princesses, and screeching, ‘Can she dance with a dress?’

Silly Mummy refusing to view more princesses, The Toddler announces: ‘Then I need to see Daddy’s princesses.’ (Silly Daddy looked rather shifty, but the question of who his princesses are, and where he keeps them, has still not been answered.)

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

Silly Mummy Makes (Wrecks, Semantics) a Fairy House and Fairy

fairy2Today I am branching out slightly with a craft post (non-toddler related). I am toying with the idea of creating a new category for this type of post, probably called: ‘What Is Silly Mummy Doing? Who Cares?’

So what did Silly Mummy do last weekend, I hear no one ask. Well, in preparation for The Toddler’s birthday, I made a fairy from some wire and a wooden bauble. Because I am Blue Peter now. And a little wooden fairy house. I didn’t make the actual house. I am Blue Peter, I am not Tim Allen (Home Improvement or The Santa Clause – either is applicable to the production of a small wooden house for a child). You can tell the house was not made by me, because it is not made of a fairy liquid bottle & some double-sided tape.

Actually, there is double-sided tape involved. I love double-sided tape. I firmly believe it is stronger than superglue. Or at least quicker. Superglue is strong, in all fairness. After being held in place for about 30 minutes. Up to 29 minutes, superglue is about as sticky as milk. At 29 minutes 30 seconds superglue is strong enough to effectively bind your fingers to your project, but not the project to itself. At 30 minutes, the project is permanently bonded, and will look lovely as soon as you have it medically removed from your hand.

Superglue was involved in the making of the fairy. She looks better now she doesn’t have fingers attached to her hair. I make no comment as to whether there is still fairy hair attached to my fingers. Superglue, incidentally, will evidently not bind a wooden bauble to a piece of wire. Nor will double-sided tape. I really don’t know if the fairy’s head is actually attached. The fairy could meet a distressing end. Still, The Toddler does like to shout, ‘Off with her head!’ It’s not usually literal, but things change.

fairy4

So, yes, back to the double-sided tape…the house decorations are attached with double-sided tape. Seems to work. Double-sided tape should be utilised more frequently in architecture, in my view (actually, I think there is a good chance it is in current new builds, but I digress). The house has also been painted (by me – go me) in stains for garden fences. I don’t think that was quite what I meant to use. I think I meant to use those paints people who upcycle use to stain furniture. Couldn’t find those. Found fence paint. Did I mention I’m excellent at crafts? At least I didn’t Ronseal it. The doors were only briefly stuck together from painting them. They open again now.

fairy3

There you have it: an entirely pointless post, a craft idea to avoid, valuable bonding products advice, and a (*ahem*) lovely homemade/decorated fairy and fairy house for my daughter. It’s the thought that counts, right?

 
 

(Please Note: This is not a review, a fact I imagine everyone responsible for the products I mutilated/used is grateful for. I have not been sponsored by double-sided tape. Covered in it, yes; sponsored by it, no.)

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

 
 

Life, Love and Dirty Dishes