Friday Frolics – 23rd June 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last time.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Our Rach – Practice What You Preach. Our Rach has been hilariously defending Caroline Flack’s honour and right to wear a toilet roll holder this week. As you do.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘The Stented Papa – He Said She Said. I love the premise for this series and if this one is anything to by it’s going to be a corker.’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Pass the Wine Please – “Again Mummy!” The Children’s Books I Will Never Forget. As someone who is haunted by several children’s books, namely “That’s Not My… (insert rude expletive here), this really made me laugh. I am looking forward to the books getting better as they get older. Oh hang on Youngest starts school in September that means Biff Chip and Kipper – arggggggggh.

 
Most Read Post

It’s a Drama – Love It. Hate It. Blogging.

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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You’re Welcome (A Parody)

Now, I’m certainly not calling Nigel Farage a demigod, I want to be very clear about that. However, he does appear to think that everyone is very grateful for everything he has done to try to bring about the apocalypse. So I’ve re-written Maui’s You’re Welcome from the film Moana for him.

 
 
You’re Welcome

I see what’s happening here
You’re face-to-face with hatred and deceits
You don’t even know why you agree, it’s adorable
It’s nice to see that history repeats

Open your eyes, stop screaming
Yes it’s really me, it’s Nigel, I’m unbeseeming
I know it’s a lot, the tweed, the moxie
When you’re staring at a demi-Nazi

So what can I say except you’re welcome
For the Trump, the lies, the Brexit
Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay
You’re welcome
I’m just an ordinary demi-cesspit

Hey
What has two pints claimed on expenses
And nonense he dispenses
This guy

When the referendum got called
Who sold you lies about the EU
You’re lookin’ at him, yo

Oh, also I scapegoated Islam
You’re welcome
To foster discord and bring you uncalm

Also I harnessed immigration
You’re welcome
To fill you with misguided indignation

So what can I say except you’re welcome
For the hate crimes I brought to the street
Only Christians should pray, I exclaim
You’re welcome
Ha, I guess it’s just my way of being elite
You’re welcome
You’re welcome

Well, come to think of it
Kid, honestly, I can go on and on
I could explain every dodgy liason
Robert Mercer, Assange, Le Pen
Oh, I don’t usually support women

I killed a fox
Actually I just observed
Wore stupid trousers, got what it deserved
What’s the lesson
What is the takeaway
Don’t listen to Nigel, it’s all just foul play

And the face of a gurning fool
Is cos of inbreeding in my gene pool
Look where I’ve been I make everything shit
Look at that effing Nigel just keeps refusing to quit

Well, anyway let me say you’re welcome
For making Britain a complete parody
Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay
You’re welcome
Well, come to think of it, this will end terribly

Hey, it’s your day to say you’re welcome
‘Cause I’m gonna get really rich
We’re leaving the EU, the EU, you’re welcome
‘Cause Nigel’s the ultimate right wing dick

You’re welcome
You’re welcome

Friday Frolics – 16th June 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last time.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: The Indeparent – Coco Pops much cheaper than Turkey Twizzlers, says Theresa May. I loved this spoof news look at one of Theresa’s many nutty policies. Plus it gave a 100% accurate account of Theresa Economics: it all adds up as long as you make sure there is nothing to add up.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Mummy Muckups – It’s Raining, It’s Pouring: Must be School Pick up. I totally feel Anna’s pain. School runs with a three year old are challenging, but add Mother Nature and it’s a recipe for disaster!’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘ So Happy In Town – Dear Mr Playpark, I’m afraid it’s over. I’m still in the throes of an intense relationship with my Mr Playpark. I am dreading the day when I realise that we are no longer compatible and I hope that we still have a few years left in us yet. This breaking-up post from Mrs S.H.I.T really made me laugh.’

 
Most Read Post

Four Princess and the Cheese – Pretty Sure I Just Created The Best Workout Ever

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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The Tory Family (An Addams Family Parody)

Now, I’m not saying the Tory Party are ghoulish or anything…but I have rewritten the Addams Family theme song for them.

Altogether now, start snapping your fingers…

 
 
The Tory Family

They’re greedy and they’re sleazy
Nefarious and sneaky
They make us all uneasy
The Tory Family

The snap election was conceited
They nearly were defeated
Now they’re feeling sheepish
The Tory Family

So support the opposition
And treat with great suspicion
May’s chaotic ‘coalition’
The Tory Family

They’re greedy and they’re sleazy
Nefarious and sneaky
They make us all uneasy
The Tory Family

Friday Frolics – 9th June 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last time. Election day today. I strongly suspect that all frolicking in the Silly household will be called off in a few hours, when Cruella De May is inevitably re-elected. But for now, on with the fun!

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Mom of Two Little Girls – A Catalogue of Weekend Injuries. An impressive collection of injury and misfortune to befall one family in a couple of days, including a plate over head smashing incident. What really elevated the whole weekend to epic proportions for me, however, was the Saturday evening trip to the seafood restaurant, following the Saturday morning Friday night sushi induced diarrhoea. That is hardcore devotion to seafood there!

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Pass the Wine Please – Strangers Say the Strangest Things. Don’t they just! I have lost count of the number times a stranger has felt the need to ask a rude question or to share their “wisdom”. I was once asked if I was sure I was only carrying the one baby as I looked so fat. RUDE!’

 
Most Read Post

It’s a Drama – Why It’s so Cool to Be in Your 40s

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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A Toddler’s Guide to the Human Rights Act

As Theresa May once again threatens to abolish the Human Rights Act, a toddler could be forgiven for asking ‘What has the Human Rights Act ever done for me?’

So here is the essential guide to what the HRA means for toddlers.

 
 
The right to life

This means you can throw yourself down the stairs/attempt to ride an escalator head first/try to lick the cat, and Mummy must do everything possible to prevent you from dying. Your life is protected – test that theory by risking it as much as possible.

 
The prohibition of torture and inhuman treatment

This means Mummy is not allowed to waterboard you. Even if she’s claiming it’s called a ‘bath’, and is a necessary consequence of muddy puddle jumping. Bedtime, biscuit withholding, and refusal to allow Frozen to be watched more than once in one day, are also torture and inhuman treatment, and you should not stand for them.

 
Protection against slavery and forced labour

Obviously, this means you are not tidying up your toys, putting on your shoes, or helping in any way.

 
The right to liberty and freedom

This particularly applies in the supermarket. Screaming ‘FREEDOM’ and tearing off down a random aisle is not only allowed, it’s your right, dammit.

 
The right to a fair trial and no punishment without law

Despite the clump of sibling hair grasped in your fist, you are innocent until proven guilty. There should be no punishment until you have received a fair trial before a properly instructed jury of your peers, or at least your teddy bears. And, actually, you are below the age of criminal responsibility anyway, so you will just be having that confiscated hobby horse back, and galloping off with your dignity, thank you very much.

 
Respect for privacy and family life, and the right to marry

Actually, you are not required to tell Mummy what you’re up to or why you are so quiet: that’s your private business. However, as Mummy is here now, you require her to tie this blanket around your waist because you will be getting married, as is your right.

 
Freedom of thought, religion and belief

You can believe what you like. Even if it is that there is nothing odd about Peppa Pig’s eyes, and that liking cheese only on Tuesdays is perfectly rational.

 
Free speech and peaceful protest

Exercise your right to free speech as often, and as loudly, as possible. The plank is a valid form of peaceful protest in any situation.

 
Freedom from discrimination

You should not be treated unfairly simply because you are three. So, if Mummy could just hand over the car keys, you’ll be off to your knife throwing practice.

 
Protection of property

Mummy has no right to interfere with your Lego, regardless of whether or not she is able to see any carpet anymore.

 
The right to an eduction

Mummy has to answer your questions. All of your questions. Even ‘Why?’

 
The right to free elections

If you are unhappy with Mummy, you must have the opportunity to participate in free and fair elections to replace Mummy.

 
 
 
 

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

Friday Frolics – 2nd June 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last time. This week, Claire is on a well deserved holiday. And I am linking up with an old post, as I haven’t managed to write anything!

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Real Mum Reviews – My Mealtime Masterpiece…or Not! An excellent how to for making the all important cheese sandwich, which, as every owner of pre-schoolers knows, is not as simple as it sounds! Not if you want them to eat it, anyway.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Four Princesses and The Cheese – Just a Walk in The Park. Going to the park is one of my least favourite parenting things to do. Kristin totally gets it!’

 
Most Read Post

You Have To Laugh – Families Dropped at Airport Three Hours Before Flight

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Friday Frolics – 26th May 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

 
**Claire, Emma and I have decided that, in light of the tragic attack in Manchester this week, we are going to cancel Friday Frolics for the week. We feel that this is perhaps not the time for a humorous link up, and are sure that many people are not feeling much in the mood for funny at present.

The British sense of humour in the face of adversity is well known and, in my opinion, a fantastic quality of our nation, and we will return next week. But, for this week, a break.

We hope that you will join us next week, with all that famous British spirit, dry humour and stoic resolve shining bright.

In the meantime, we of course send all of our love and thoughts to anyone who has been affected by this terrible incident.**

A Toddler’s Guide to Rainy Day Activities

Nice weather we’re having, aren’t we? Still, no need to dread rainy days in with small children. Just follow this comprehensive toddler guide to filling a wet day.

 
 

1. Sit in the window and yell ‘RUDE!!’ at Tesco delivery vans visiting neighbours’ houses.

 
2. Dress as Mary Poppins and sing Let it Go while freezing people.

 
3. Dress as Elsa and sing A Spoonful of Sugar while looking after the children.

 
4. Ask for biscuits.

 
5. Get angry with your little sister when she pokes you in the eye in a dispute over a used tissue.

 
6. Get angry with Mummy when telling your little sister not to poke you in the eye inevitably results in your little sister rolling around on the floor in a fit of rage. Your little sister doesn’t like being told not to poke you in the eye. Mummy shouldn’t tell your little sister not to poke you in the eye. Mummy should know her place. Fortunately, it’s a rainy day, so you have plenty of time to put Mummy in her place.

 
7. Ask for biscuits.

 
8. Undress all your dolls.

 
9. Ask your dolls why they’ve got their bums out.

 
10. Laugh.

 
11. Make Mummy redress all your dolls.

 
12. Repeat steps 8-11.

 
13. Ask for biscuits.

 
14. Express your anger at Mummy’s repeated refusal to provide biscuits.

 
15. Do some art. You will require a minimum of 300 pieces of plain white paper for your artwork. Each should receive a miniscule dot in yellow crayon before being discarded as ‘finished’.

 
16. Ask to play a game. Cheat. Wander off before the game is finished.

 
17. Wait for the post. Read your important mail. Note that your mysterious correspondent has once again sent you an intriguing letter filled with pictures of pizza.

 
18. Ask for pizza.

 
19. Channel your inner hamster, shred paper and hide it in piles around the living room.

 
20. Stand at the window watching the rain pour down and have a bright idea: you should water the plants in the garden.

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

 
 
 
 

My Random Musings

 
 
 
 

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

What Would Mrs May Do? (Or How to Run Your Home Like the PM)

This week, I have been thinking about our Prime Minister, Theresa May. Now, I can’t stand Theresa May. I think she’s a maniac, in fact. However, I have to admit that she does appear to have rather effectively hijacked the country, and now seems to be getting away with literally doing whatever she likes. This, of course, got me wondering: could I achieve the same level of authoritarian, batshit crazy control in my house? As a result, I will be implementing some of Theresa May’s favourite policies and tactics at home.

 
 
1. Soundbites

Like Theresa May, I have decided to adopt the policy of speaking only in a single three word soundbite. I have gone with ‘put it down’. What this house needs is PUT IT DOWN! My leadership will be PUT IT DOWN! Now, more than ever, we need to PUT IT DOWN!

I must report that the toddlers appear to be significantly less susceptible to this technique than much of the population is. At least, I assume they are not susceptible, as they are yet to PUT IT DOWN.

 
2. Immigration

I am committed to drastically reducing the numbers of kinder egg toys entering the household. I feel like I may be being mocked over this policy, due to my numerous previous commitments to drastically reduce the numbers of kinder egg toys entering the household, which resulted in absolutely no reduction in the total number of kinder egg toys in the household. I did fear I might have gone too far when I started channelling Paul Nuttall and claimed that kinder egg toys are taking household jobs, failing to assimilate, and establishing areas of ‘Plastic Tat Law’ in the house where everyone is afraid to go. Still, I had committed by that point, so I brazened it out.

 
3. Healthcare

Household medical treatment, much like the NHS, is currently being administered by disgruntled junior/toddler doctors, who some claim are overworked (an observation based largely on the fact that they are having to moonlight as teachers, builders, gardeners, Elsa and Ana, hairdressers, artists and, last but certainly not least, Ghostbusters). Like the NHS staff, the toddler doctors are under-resourced (last seen using Elsa’s plait as a bandage) and under-appreciated (admittedly, in the toddlers’ case, mostly because they are rather violent with their patients, so this is where similarities with the beleagured NHS end). I have studied Jeremy Hunt and Theresa May very carefully and established the appropriate response to the healthcare crisis we are facing: I have made the toddlers really angry and I am now in the process of selling them to Donald Trump.

 
4. Hunting

In a popular move, I have decided that I will be reintroducing the ‘sport’ of cat hunting with plastic teapots. The use of plastic teapots in cat hunting was banned some time ago, and the toddlers complained that this ruined the entire activity. Ain’t no one interested in chasing the cat on hobby horses without the teapots – what is the point? In this new policy, the toddlers will once again be allowed to unleash plastic teapots upon the cat. The plastic teapots’ role in the sport is to hunt down the cat and confuse her.

 
5. U-turns

On this, I may have angered the toddlers. I announced that we were definitely not having a bedtime. There would be no bedtime until 2020. Read my lips: no bedtime. What this household needed was a period of PUT IT DOWN, and therefore there would be no bedtime. Then, in a remarkable u-turn, I announced a snap bedtime. A snap bedtime was now needed for PUT IT DOWN. The toddlers suspect that I was shamelessly exploiting a yawn from the youngest toddler in order to call a bedtime I knew I could win a landslide victory in.

 
6. Cabinet Appointments

The toddlers recently did something rather silly. They promoted the idea that leaving the sofa by throwing themselves at the coffee table was something we should all be doing. I could have told them not to be so ridiculous. But we are now following the philosophy of What Would Mrs May Do (WWMMD)? Therefore, I have whole-heartedly embraced the idea of leaving the sofa by throwing ourselves at the coffee table and, moreover, I have made the toddlers the Ministers for Leaving the Sofa by Throwing Ourselves at the Coffee Table.

 
7. Chexit

Following an ill-advised referendum, and a falling out with the Babybels, the toddlers recently voted to leave cheese. They are now having doubts. They might want to stick with cheese. At the very least, they would like to negotiate to retain some kind of mutually beneficial relationship with cheese. They certainly didn’t mean that they wanted to leave cheese on toast. They just wanted to make a point, really. They feel it has all got a bit out of control. However, I have assured them that we do not negotiate with cheese. No deal is better than a bad deal when it comes to cheese. We are pursuing a hard chexit. We will be leaving cheese and all cheese-based products. There will be no cheesecake. We don’t need cheesecake. We are the greatest household in the world, and we will be making our own dessert. It will be more successful than cheesecake. WE DON’T NEED CHEESE TO MAKE CHEESE ON TOAST, and we laugh in the face of anyone who suggests we do.

 
8. Debates

WWMMD? Refuse to take part in any debates, of course. As such, none of my household decisions are up for debate. The toddlers are unfazed by this. They weren’t interested in taking part in debates anyway. They were interested in opposing my policies by whining, crying, shouting and outright ignoring them, and they are just going to go right ahead with this approach.

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

Brexit Fortunes (A Game Show Parody)

Hello and welcome to our Brexit and Election Special episode of Family Fortunes (Family Feud for our American audience). The game in which two families compete to provide answers to questions about Brexit and the upcoming election. All of the questions have been put to members of the public, Parliament, the Cabinet or Theresa May before the show. Our contestants are looking to get the top answer, the one given by most of our surveyed group. If contestants give an answer which none of our surveyed group provided, they will hear ‘Eh-uhh’. Ready? Then let’s begin.

 
 
Round One

We asked the Cabinet to name ten things needed for Brexit to not be a complete disaster. You said, ‘Expert guidance and opinions.’ Our Cabinet said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ Next, you said, ‘Good trade deals.’ Surely this must be a high answer. Let’s see. No! Our Cabinet said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ Finally, you said, ‘A can do attitude and no f**king clue what’s going on.’ This is your last chance, you need a good score. Yes! It’s the top answer.

 
Round Two

We asked whose fault this was. You said, ‘David Cameron.’ It was, of course, the top answer. Next, you said, ‘Theresa May.’ It was the third best answer. A good answer. But the other team can steal if their answer ‘Vladimir Putin’ beat Theresa May. So was ‘Vladimir Putin’ the second answer? It was. I think you knew that really, and they steal the point.

 
Round Three

We asked you what answer Theresa May gave to the question: ‘Will you be calling a snap election?’ You answered, ‘I’m not going to be calling a snap election. I’ve been very clear that I think we need that period of time, that stability, to be able to deal with the issues that the country is facing, and have that election in 2020.’ It’s the wrong answer. Very bad luck on this one – the answer you gave was right five minutes ago. However, the updated answer Mrs May has just given, which we were looking for, is: ‘I have just chaired a meeting of the Cabinet, where we agreed that the Government should call a general election, to be held on June 8.’

 
Round Four

We asked Theresa May why she decided to hold a snap general election. You said, ‘To gain the majority needed to sideline Parliament and destroy the country.’ Theresa May said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ (Though, interestingly, our lie detector said this was actually the top answer.) The correct top answer, according to Theresa May, was ‘strength and stability’.

 
Round Five

We asked Tory MPs what they think of the current Government. Neither team guessed the top answer, intoned monotonously and in unison: ‘Mrs May is a wonderful Prime Minister, and this is the best Government we’ve ever had.’ The other answer we would have accepted, given by Ken Clarke, was: ‘Oh for f**k’s sake!’

 
Round Six

We asked 100 people to name one job Theresa May had before becoming Prime Minister. You said, ‘Nurse Ratched.’ It was a good answer. 31 of our hundred people said ‘Nurse Ratched’. But the top answer we were looking for, given by 53 people, was ‘Death eater’. Other correct answers included ‘Margaret Thatcher’ and ‘Cruella de Vil’. One exceptionally dull person answered ‘Home Secretary’, but we disqualified him.

 
Round Seven

We asked the current Government what they will do to solve the NHS crisis. You answered, ‘Provide proper funding for universal healthcare.’ The Government said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ The top answer we were looking for was ‘sell it to Donald Trump’.

 
Round Eight

We asked the Department for Exiting the European Union to name countries they hoped to secure trade deals with following Brexit. You were a little optimistic here. Your answers of the United States, China and South Korea were all incorrect. The top answer was Liechtenstein.

 
Round Nine

We asked 100 people to name an EU law that has actually caused a problem in their daily lives. It really doesn’t matter what you say here, as I can tell you that 52 of our 100 people said that they will have to get back to us on this, and wandered off muttering something about ‘sovereignty’. While the other 48 people said they actually quite like the EU, and appreciate having employment rights and an economy.

 
Round Ten

We asked 100 people how they intend to vote in the snap General Election. I can tell you, the top answer was…provided by the Russians.

 
 
And the winner of Brexit Fortunes is, of course, absolutely no one! Except maybe Theresa May, and a couple of billionaires, but certainly no one here. Not to worry: we don’t let anyone go home empty handed on this show! You all get to take home a crushing sense of impending doom, less money than you have ever had before, and this stylish blue passport!

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

Cat on a Hot Wood Fence (a Play)

I’ve been watching a play. It’s being staged on my garden fence. It seems to be one of those arty plays. You know, the ones that just have two characters verbally sparring. Like Waiting for Godot (for one of the protagonists at least, it appears that this play is more Waiting for Reaper). It’s a pretty short play, so I have decided to publish the script, a la J K Rowling (no, this is not going to be an eighth Harry Potter book either, so don’t even bother complaining).

 
 

CAT ON A HOT WOOD FENCE

By Indistinguishable From Tennessee Williams
(A.K.A. I’m Going To Make My Fortune I Tell You)

 
 

Characters

 
Cat: A cat

Bird: A bird

 
 

Act 1
Scene 1

 
(A garden fence. Bird is sitting on the fence. Cat enters, fence left.)

 
Cat: *Stalks along fence*

 
Bird: *Looks at cat*

 
Cat: *Stops. Looks the other way. Licks its paw. Whistles nonchalantly.*

 
Bird: *Still looking at cat*

 
Cat: What? Dude, I’m not even looking at you.

 
Bird: *Goes back to looking around garden*

 
Cat: *Stalks along fence*

 
Bird: *Looks at cat*

 
Cat: *Stops. Whistles nonchalantly*

 
Bird: *Looks at cat*

 
Cat: Seriously, dude, stop being paranoid. I’m not interested in you. Not everything is about you.

 
Bird: *Looks away*

 
Cat: *Stalks along fence*

 
Bird: I want to trust you, bro, but could you not come any closer? And stop looking at me.

 
Cat: *Hums ‘You’re so Vain’*

 
Bird: Yeah, you’re funny. Just back off.

 
Cat: Seriously, I’m not doing anything! Like, what’s your problem, man? I just wanna hang!

 
Bird: Yeah, whatever. Keep your distance.

 
Cat: *Edges slightly closer to bird*

 
Bird: Fuck this! *Flies away*

 
Cat: *To himself* Damn it! Why can you never be cool?! You’re such a moron! *Checks no one is looking, sidles away from fence as only a cat can*

Nonsense Parenting Advice

We all know there is a lot of parenting advice out there. A lot. Good advice. Bad advice. But what of that special category of parenting advice? The advice that sounds sensible, but is actually nonsense?

 
Here are my top ten pieces of advice that appear perfectly reasonable at first glance, but are nonsense. Nonsense, I tell you.

 
1. Don’t make threats about consequences you aren’t willing to follow through on.

Yes, this sounds very sensible. However, it rather assumes that your children care about the threat, remember the threat, and were even listening to you in the first place. They weren’t. Make as many empty threats as you like, it really doesn’t matter. (Presumably, people whose kids actually listen to them don’t even need to make threats in the first place.)

 
2. They will eat it if you don’t give them an alternative. They won’t starve themselves.

They will, actually. They will starve themselves.

 
3. If they hurt themselves, they’ll learn not to do it again.

They won’t, actually.

 
4. If they don’t want to go to sleep, just put them in bed and leave them to it. They can’t scream forever.

Well, maybe not. But they can scream long enough for the police to be notified.

 
5. Let them make their own clothing decisions and express who they are.

Who they are is someone willing to die of hypothermia. Specifically, a pyjama-clad gruffa-fairy, who is willing to die of hypothermia.

 
6. Make sure they’re really tired, they’ll sleep better.

No one has ever had as much energy or been as awake as a tired toddler. Tigger has less energy than an over-tired child.

 
7. They don’t need to be eating snacks between meals.

They do if you want to achieve anything with any day ever. In the battle between childhood obesity and being able to do the shopping without a tantrum, raisins win every time.

 
8. They’ll be perfectly safe. They’re not stupid. They’re not going to fling themselves down the stairs/out of the window/over that cliff.

They have no survival instinct. None. Zero.

 
9. I’m sure they don’t need a bib/apron/hazmat suit – that will wash right out anyway.

It won’t. Don’t even need to know what it is. It won’t wash out.

 
10. It’s okay, they won’t even remember that thing you definitely don’t want to do/buy/feed them was even mentioned.*

They will remember it until the end of time. This is not like empty threats. Children hear empty promises. Like mini Liam Neesons, when a child hears an empty promise, they will look for you, they will find you, and they will make you give them the damn ice cream.

 

(* This one is generally said by the utter fool who mentioned the thing in the first place.)

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

They Have Returned: Protect Yourselves

*THIS IS AN URGENT PUBLIC SERVICE BULLETIN*
 
 
They have returned. They are rising. The invasion is underway. Some are speaking of the apocalypse, though there has been no official statement on this yet.

 
What we are being told officially, however, is this:

 
1. Stay in your homes. Do not attempt to travel. Do not attempt to reach loved ones. The public are advised to avoid all contact with the assailants.

 
2. Gather essential supplies, in case of a siege situation. Stockpile water and canned goods. They often gather in doorways and windows, and you may be unable to get out.

 
3. Avoid corners. DO NOT GO TO HIGHER GROUND.

 
4. Stay in a group, if possible. Keep a lookout at all times. Remember, you do not need to outrun them, you just need to outrun your friends. Sacrificing slow members of the group is entirely acceptable. This is about survival.

 
5. Know your enemy. They move strangely, but they are surprisingly fast. They are relentless. They are absolutely evil. Do not feel compassion for them. Compassion will be your undoing. And never, ever hesitate. Do what has to be done. They must die.

 
6. Collect weapons and keep them with you at all times. A large trainer and a vacuum cleaner are essential. Do not use a cat. Cats are a useless weapon against this threat. They are always full of confidence, but they never fail to f**k it up. They will play with the enemy and then lose it – do not make the mistake of joining forces with the cat.

 
7. The assailants can only be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. Nothing else will work. They cannot be drowned or stabbed. It is tempting to run for your life and burn your house to the ground, but you can be sure that they will rise from the wreckage. The only way is to smash their heads to smithereens with a trainer and vacuum up the pieces.

 
8. Stay vigilant. Stay safe. And always remember, under NO circumstances, ever, ever lift up that mug on the floor.

 
 
*THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THE SPIDERS HAVE RETURNED. PROTECT YOUR HOMES. PROTECT YOUR FAMILIES. REMOVE THE HEAD OR DESTROY THE BRAIN. DO NOT LET THE CAT HAVE A GO. DO NOT LIFT UP THE MUG. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.*

 
 

What If We Taught Our Children to Behave Like Brexit?

According to the Brexit brigade, Theresa May has this week done a ‘good’ thing for our country. The ‘right’ thing. This is the right thing to do. So I thought, that being correct, it would be okay to teach your kids to behave like the Brexiteers, right? You know, because they’re not doing anything wrong, are they? It’s the right thing for the country, so it must be the right way to raise the younger generation.

With that in mind, I have considered ten lessons we should be teaching our children if we want to raise them according to the lessons of Brexit.

 
 
1. Mistakes

If you make a mistake, whatever you do, don’t admit it was a mistake and fix it. Just plough on with the mistake. After all, once you do something stupid, you have no choice but to commit to the stupid, right?

 
2. Intolerance

Racism and xenophobia are bad…but, when confronted with racists, the thing to do is bend over backwards trying to mollify them and give them exactly what they want. In fact, it is a great idea to start spouting racism yourself. You know, so they’ll like you.

 
3. Bullies and Principles

Don’t stand up to bullies. Don’t stand up for what you believe in. Don’t stand up for vulnerable people. Don’t stand up for anything. Standing up for things is ‘whiny’.

 
4. Experts

Never listen to experts. We’re sick of experts.

 
5. Information

In fact, we are sick of education, information and facts. Be ignorant and proud of it.

 
6. Language

Use words that you like regardless of whether or not you understand them. Like ‘sovereignty’.

 
7. Friends

It’s usually a good idea to impulsively fall out with all of your friends. Tell them you hate them and you’re leaving. Never ever reflect on this at a later point. Instead, find the school maniac (he’ll be the one torturing local cats), and hold his hand.

 
8. Telling the Truth

Lie.

 
9. Sharing

Don’t share. Never share. Sharing is bad. There is NOT enough for everyone. Everything should be yours. You are more important than anyone else.

 
10. Self Preservation

Shoot yourself in the foot. Maintain that you have done the right thing, even whilst hopping in circles.

 
 
I’m sure they’ll turn out great. What could go wrong?