From June 2015

Your Emus: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Your EmusIt’s week four and The Toddler is still talking nonsense.

Here she is:

1. On herself, being a pickle
The Toddler is being a bit naughty. She knows it. She announces, ‘Pickle, The Toddler. The Toddler is a pickle.’ Because sometimes it is just easier to tell yourself off.

2. On Daddy, passing blame to
The Toddler needs a nappy change. Silly Mummy says, ‘Somebody is a stinky bum. Who might that be?’
The Toddler knows this one: ‘Daddy!’

3. On emus, hitting them with a hammer*
(*For anyone immediately concerned about animal rights, she doesn’t mean emus. No emus have been harmed in the making of this list.)
The Toddler is playing with her new doctor’s kit. Silly Mummy is explaining the purpose of the little hammer to her: ‘You take it like this, hit your knee here, and your knee moves.’
The Toddler nods wisely, ‘Yes – your emus.’

4. On ambiguous pronunciation
Now, what The Toddler actually said here is not particularly funny. Once Silly Mummy realised what that was. The Toddler is in the park. She is walking along one of the climbing frames with Silly Mummy’s help. She says, ‘Be careful bits.’ Um, excuse me? What did she just call Silly Mummy? Where did she even learn that? Silly Mummy is just working out how to address this issue when The Toddler continues, ‘Bit careful.’ Oh right: she said ‘bits’! The Toddler is referring to how much careful there should be. She is not referring to Silly Mummy.

5. On herself, how long she will wait
The Toddler, The Baby and Silly Mummy have just returned home. The Toddler asks to get out of the pushchair. Silly Mummy explains that she needs to take the heavy shopping bags off the pushchair handle before she takes The Toddler and The Baby out, or the chair will tip over. The Toddler considers this information. ‘Okay, The Toddler will wait five minutes.’ Can’t say fairer than that.

6. On herself, stinky
Silly Mummy is changing The Toddler’s dirty nappy. The Baby is trying to stick her hand in it. Silly Mummy says, ‘No, darling, don’t do that.’
The Toddler chimes in, ‘No, darling, not do. The Toddler is stinky.’

7. On Daddy’s phone, being exasperatingly noisy
Silly Mummy enters the room. The Toddler is looking a little irritated. She points at a shelf: ‘Mummy, Daddy’s phone. Up there. Beeping! Beeping away!’

8. On pigeons, not very friendly
The Toddler sees a pigeon. She wants to be friends. Of course she does. We are standing next to an aviary containing parakeets, doves, ducks, peacocks and canaries. The Toddler loves the pigeon on the pavement. To indicate to the pigeon her wish to be friends, The Toddler runs at it yelling, ‘Bird! Tweet tweet!’ The pigeon considers The Toddler’s invitation. It flies away. The Toddler stops in her tracks: ‘Oh, where did he go?’

9. On The Baby, keeping her informed
The cat has been sick. Silly Mummy is cleaning it up. The Toddler is performing the important task of keeping The Baby abreast of the situation. ‘The Baby, cat was sick. Cat was sick, The Baby. The Baby, cat sick.’ The baby is doing an excellent impression of someone who didn’t ask and doesn’t care.

10. On Mummy, not dancing
The Toddler is dancing (to the Justin’s House theme, which she is also singing: ‘Justin’s house, doopy, doopy, doopy, doopy…’). Silly Mummy is in the mood for a spot of dancing. Silly Mummy joins in. All her best moves. The Toddler stops. The Toddler turns her most disparaging look on Silly Mummy: ‘No, Mummy, not dancing, Mummy.’
‘But…’
‘Mummy, no! Sit down, Mummy!’

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

Back Soon: The Toddler Has Left the Building

Back SoonThe Toddler has left the building. Actually, she hasn’t. The door is locked. But she has announced her intention to leave, said her goodbyes, packed a bag. Or, at least, picked up a toy kettle and a wooden triangle. Or put an envelope on her head as a hat. That happened.

Before The Toddler could speak, she would just amble off towards the door. When she got her first bag, she took up ambling towards the door with random items stuffed in her bag. Once she started speaking, she would cheerfully call, ‘Bye!’ She now says ‘see you later’ or ‘back soon’. Pretty much whenever she moves, in fact. Or anyone else moves. Fetching toys from half a metre away, Silly Mummy going to change The Baby’s nappy, and going to bed are all appropriate ‘back soon’/’see you later’ situations, as far as The Toddler is concerned.

If The Toddler feels one of her trips is particularly deserving of recognition, she likes to narrate it. She is setting out on an epic journey from her bedroom to halfway down the landing. Each step of this momentous trek must be charted. The Toddler heads out of the door. ‘Walking. Back soon…’ There is a pause. ‘Sorry, Bink! Geta Bink.’ The Toddler edges back into the room. She subtly grabs teddy Binker and sidles casually back out onto the landing, confident no one noticed her oversight. ‘Walking. Bye, Mummy. Back soon.’

The Toddler’s commitment to ensuring everyone is kept fully abreast of her travel plans does not stop at information about her departure and expected time of return. Oh no. The Toddler will also announce the return. It often occurs immediately after the departure: ‘Bye. Back again.’

As for the contents of The Toddler’s bag? Typical items packed for her trips include the coasters from the coffee table, a ball, a turtle, wooden shapes, a plastic cabbage. On one notable occasion, The Toddler marched to the door wearing only a nappy & carrying an entirely empty bag. The Toddler reappeared. She had forgotten something. She was not properly prepared for the trip. ‘Mummy, need shoes!’ Ah, shoes! Yes, that was what was missing.

The Toddler has become aware of late that unlocking the door is a process involved in people leaving the house. She therefore now typically asks Silly Mummy to give her the keys or unlock the door. ‘Time to go now. Bye bye, Mummy. Unlock door, please, Mummy.’ A blunt ‘no’ in response to this request was met with, ‘Oh, alright.’ But then Silly Mummy felt a bit bad. So Silly Mummy created a magic, invisible key (kept on the shelf with the imaginary jam) for such occasions.

The magic, invisible key was a great idea. Then it escalated. It could now be described as a little out of control. It is just before bedtime. The Toddler, in her pyjamas, fancies a stroll. She heads for the door. ‘Bye now. Going walk. Shoes on. Going now. Keys, please, Mummy. Want keys.’ Silly Mummy fetches and hands over the magic, invisible key (Silly Mummy is becoming an excellent mime artist).

The Toddler is still indoors (she has yet to notice the magic, invisible key is not so good with actually opening the door). It is sunny outside. However: ‘Raining. Oh dear me. Bit of rain. Bit of rain, Mummy. Need jacket. Jacket, please.’ Would you look at that: Silly Mummy happens to have a magic, invisible raincoat right here! Silly Mummy helps The Toddler into the magic, invisible coat, and zips it up (really).

The Toddler is now fully prepared for this trip. Right? Wrong. ‘Harness, please. Need harness.’ One minute later, and The Toddler is wearing a magic, invisible harness over her magic, invisible raincoat. She is holding the magic, invisible rein of her own magic, invisible harness, since no one else is going on the imaginary walk. (No, The Toddler did not consider the rein issue herself. Yes, Silly Mummy did get carried away with the mime act). The Toddler must be ready, surely?

‘Going. Need tea cup.’ Tea cup? A tea cup is needed for the walk? Apparently so. One magic, invisible tea cup coming up. The Toddler is definitely ready this time. She takes a step. ‘Need hat on. Get The Toddler’s hat, please, Mummy.’ Silly Mummy – who I think we can all agree is remarkably well stocked with completely imaginary items – supplies a magic, invisible hat, and The Toddler is off.

Nearly. ‘Doing walking. Need shoes on.’ Really? Silly Mummy is sure The Toddler said she had her shoes on at the start of this expedition. Apparently, one can never be wearing too many pairs of imaginary shoes. Inexplicably, Silly Mummy’s magic, invisible shoes are buckle-up. Must get some magic, invisible Velcro shoes: much quicker.

‘Bye, Mummy. Door, please. Going now, Mummy. Get bag, please.’ Well, in fairness, what else is she going to keep all her magic, invisible items in except a magic, invisible bag?

The Toddler finally makes it to the door. In keeping with the entirely imaginary nature of the trip and her attire, The Toddler is sticking with her imaginary weather: ‘Jacket on, bit cold. Raining.’ The Toddler decides this imaginary weather is not for her. She’s a fair weather imaginary walker. She’ll just pop off to bed instead. (Without so much as removing a magic, invisible shoe, Silly Mummy might add. The bed will be full of magic, invisible dirt.) ‘Night night, Mummy. Back soon!’ Yes, in 12 hours.

Conversations With The Baby

Conversations With The BabyThe Baby has made the effort to join in the conversation between The Toddler and Silly Mummy (not to mention, debated with parrots). The Toddler therefore decides to return the favour. She will chat with The Baby about what The Baby wants to talk about. She will use The Baby’s native tongue, Garble (a beautiful and nuanced language, for those who don’t know).

She announces her intentions: ‘Talk to The Baby.’ She sits down in front of The Baby, and looks at her expectantly.
The Baby says, ‘Ooh rah rah raah!’
The Toddler says, ‘Ooh rah rah raah!’
The Baby looks pleased: The Toddler has just agreed to hand over all of her toys for chewing. The Toddler looks pleased: she has no idea she has just agreed to hand over all of her toys for chewing.

The Toddler quickly progresses to initiating conversations. She approaches The Baby and says, ‘Ah wah wah bah!’
The Baby is pleased with The Toddler’s effort to speak her language. She yells, ‘Ah bah bah bah!’
The Toddler agrees, ‘Ah bah bah bah!’
The Baby is very excited, she bounces up and down and hollers, ‘Gah! Goober rah!’
The Toddler laughs and repeats, ‘Gah! Goober rah!’
The Baby has more to say. She screeches, ‘Geh rah eh nargh!’
This conversation has really got away from The Toddler now. The Toddler needs to shut it down: ‘No, The Baby! Shh!’

The Toddler’s translation skills are a little suspect. The Baby says, ‘Ming ming ming !’
The Toddler says, ‘Ming ming ming! Talking to The Baby, Mummy.’
‘Yes, I can see you are talking to The Baby. What are you talking about?’
‘Kiss. The Baby want kiss.’
The Baby glares. She does not want a kiss. The Toddler wants a kiss. The Baby wants to discuss historical Chinese dynasties, apparently.

Despite The Toddler’s previous record of mistranslation, Silly Mummy still calls upon her expertise in matters of Baby interpretation. The Baby says, ‘Bah bah gah.’
The Toddler says, ‘The Baby talking.’
Silly Mummy agrees, ‘Yes, she is. Do you know what she’s saying?’
The Toddler nods, ‘Bah bah gah.’
Obviously. Silly Mummy. Ask a stupid question…

Think So, Mummy: The Ten* Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Think So(*The more eagle-eyed and numerate among you may notice that ten this week actually appears to be eleven.)

It’s time again for our now-definitely-a-feature (you can see week 1 here and week 2 here): the ten (*ahem*) funniest things The Toddler said last week.

Silly Mummy presents The Toddler:

1. On that noisy, what it is
The Toddler asks, ‘What’s that noisy?’
Silly Mummy isn’t sure what noise she means: ‘What noise? Do you mean the tumble drier?’
The Toddler has resolved the issue for herself: ‘Oh no, Mummy, it’s just my bottom!’

2. On Mummy, trying to help her
Silly Mummy is getting some food for The Baby. The Toddler sidles over: ‘Can The Toddler help?’ There isn’t really anything for The Toddler to do. She restates her purpose in the kitchen: ‘The Toddler is trying to help.’ Silly Mummy is finished. ‘Oh, Mummy all done.’

3. On exaggeration
The Toddler is looking at some writing. ‘Says The Toddler’s name!’ It doesn’t. ‘Says 94 times! The Toddler’s name 94 times!’ 94 times? What an oddly specific exaggeration. Also, why does The Toddler know the numbers 1-10 and 94? Where has 94 come from?

4. On thinking so
The Toddler is attempting to wander away in Grandma’s shoes. Silly Mummy says, ‘Are you stealing Grandma’s shoes?’
The Toddler nods, ‘Think so.’
The Toddler is chattering to herself about the circus she went to. ‘Went to circus. With Grandma. And Daddy. Fun. All gone. More circus. Think so.’
The Toddler is pretending to take photos with a phone. She waves it at Daddy: ‘Cheese!’ She waves it at The Baby: ‘Cheese!’ She waves it at Silly Mummy’s toes.
‘Should my toes say cheese?’
‘Yes, think so, Mummy.’
(Yes, if another ‘Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said’ list is compiled, ‘should my toes say cheese’ will be in there.)

5. On The Baby’s food, checking it
Silly Mummy brings out The Baby’s food. The Toddler looks up from her own food. ‘The Baby’s food. The Toddler check.’
Silly Mummy is confused: ‘For what?’
‘Just check.’ Silly Mummy holds the bowl out to The Toddler. She looks and nods. ‘Okay, Mummy.’ The Baby may now eat. What The Toddler was checking for remains unknown, though seeing whether she wanted to eat The Baby’s food herself seems a likely explanation.

6. On Mummy, further offers of help (how incompetent does The Toddler think Silly Mummy is?)
Silly Mummy is about to dress The Baby. The Toddler worries about whether Silly Mummy is up to the task: ‘Need help? Hmm?’

7. On forgetfulness, convenient
The Toddler has eaten an unusually big lunch. She asks for the obligatory after lunch yoghurt. We discuss The Toddler having the yoghurt later, after a break. The big lunch and the risk of exploding toddler are all covered in the discussion. We confirm that The Toddler will therefore have yoghurt later. Not now. She will go and play first. Okay? The Toddler nods. She says, ‘Yes.’ That agreed, Daddy gets up from the table. The Toddler says, ‘Getting The Toddler’s yoghurt, Daddy!’

8. On Mummy, go
Daddy is napping (this will be relevant later). The Toddler has a phone. It is not her phone. It is a real phone. The Toddler is not being careful. The Toddler is in the settings. The owner of the phone is starting to look anxious. Mummy says, ‘Are you breaking the phone?’
‘No! The Toddler is talking! Mummy, go! Go! Wake up Daddy!’ Well, that was rude. It was also unrelated to the matter in hand: what The Toddler is doing to the phone settings. The Toddler has clearly learnt the art of distraction.

9. On giving up, quickly
The Toddler ‘leaves’ regularly. Sometimes she has a bag. Sometimes she has a remote control and a plastic cabbage. This time it is an impromptu trip: she has not packed. She gets up abruptly and heads in the direction of the front door: ‘Time to go now. Bye bye, Mummy. Unlock door, please, Mummy.’
Silly Mummy is succinct, abrupt even: ‘No.’
‘Oh, alright.’ Trip cancelled due to inability to open door, The Toddler returns and sits down.

10. On the egg, wanting to be alone
The Toddler is carefully arranging a plastic egg on the sideboard. ‘Egg go up here. Leave it alone. Up here. The Toddler leave it alone.’ Yes, eggs are notoriously solitary creatures. Should you find one, take it quickly and quietly to the nearest isolated sideboard, and back away slowly.

11(oops). On manners, goodbyes
The Toddler is saying goodbye to her Great Aunt and Uncle. She has been shaking hands with everyone all afternoon. As they stand up to leave, we jokingly tell The Toddler to shake hands and say ‘goodbye, nice to meet you’. The Toddler dutifully shakes hands. She does not say ‘goodbye, nice to meet you’. She says, ‘Bye. Bye. Bye. Go.’ Charming.

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

Daddy

DaddyAbout Daddy (‘Silly Daddy’). Daddy reads ‘The Gruffalo’ (with silly voices). Daddy builds forts (with the seat cushions from all the chairs). Daddy does the big slides and the fun rides (18 month old on a ferris wheel, anyone?) Daddy tickles. Daddy throws (balls, toddlers, babies). Daddy chases. Daddy carries. Daddy teaches us to say ‘fart’. (Good work, Daddy. That was a fun few days out in public for Silly Mummy. Thankfully, we are currently on a hiatus from the word, if not the activity.) Daddy sometimes has a beard.

Yes: about that. The Toddler often points at random bearded men and shouts, ‘Daddy!’ This is comical for the following reason. Daddy’s beardedness (when present) falls somewhere in the stubble to moderately bearded range. The men The Toddler points at invariably fall in the ridiculous to Father Christmas range. If it wasn’t for (a) the anonymity of the blog, and (b) Silly Mummy’s feeling that it is probably inappropriate to photograph either random men or their beards, this would by now have led to a feature. The feature would involve pictures of Daddy and pictures of random bearded men The Toddler has yelled ‘daddy’ at. The feature would be called #BeardyDaddy (don’t really get hashtags, #gettinginvolvedanyway). There would be a special ‘Beardy Daddy, The Prequel’ edition, featuring a picture of Silly Mummy’s Daddy and a picture of Ian Botham, who Silly Mummy believed was also Daddy for much of the early eighties.

The Toddler has a few things to say on the subject of Daddy.

Daddy’s tickles: ‘Oh, Daddy, no! No, Daddy!…More gain! More tickles!’

Breakfast with Daddy: ‘Eat brekkie. Watch chugga. Daddy eaty food.’ Apparently, they watch Chuggington, then.

Dancing with Daddy (the Hokey Cokey, this is evidently not optional): ‘In out shake it all about, Daddy. Doing in out now, Daddy!’

Things Daddy says on the telephone (The Toddler is speaking to ‘Daddy’ on her tricycle’s toy phone): ‘The Toddler speak Daddy. Hello, Daddy. Mummy speak.’ Mummy dutifully takes the phone to speak to Daddy, as instructed. The Toddler snatches the phone back. Mummy is not speaking to Daddy. The Toddler is speaking to Daddy. The Toddler hangs up. Silly Mummy asks, ‘What did Daddy say?’
‘Moo! Cow. Chicka. Monkey. Daddy monkey.’ Wow. Daddy is quite the telephone conversationalist.

Seeing Daddy outside her bedroom window: ‘Daddy climby wall!’ Daddy did once climb the wall to work on the roof. The Toddler now checks for daddies ‘climbying’ walls every time she looks out of her window.

Daddy returning home: ‘Daddy get home now!’ The Toddler says this when it is close to the time Daddy usually returns from work. It is not an observation: it is a command. (The Baby concurs with The Toddler: ‘A rah rah rah! A rah!’ Indeed.)

The Baby has something to say on the subject of Daddy, too: ‘Dada! Dada!’

The Toddler and The Baby have things to say about Daddy, but they don’t yet have the words they need to say all there is to say. If they did, they would tell you that Daddy is fun, Daddy is loving, Daddy is practical, Daddy is brave, Daddy is strong. (Daddy is also, of course, Batman. The Toddler does have the words for that.) They love Daddy.

Silly Mummy has words, so she will try to tell you about her own Dad (Grandad Grumps). Her clever, loving, strong, supportive, amazing Dad. Her Dad, who is always there for her, who has done so much for her, and who she loves more than she can say. Her Dad, the proud, doting – and very loved – Grandad.

Silly Mummy will also tell you about Grandad Pop, Silly Daddy’s Dad. Another strong and loving father, who taught Silly Daddy to be a father. A man who adores The Toddler and The Baby, and Silly Daddy; and who they adore in return.

This is a blog about the things The Toddler talks about, and these – the strong and loving daddies of our families – are (quite rightly) some of The Toddler’s favourite things to talk about (and some of The Baby’s favourite people to shout nonsense at).

Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby wish a Happy Father’s Day* to the wonderful Silly Daddy, and to the two wonderful Dads who are now also wonderful Grandads. We love you very much.

(*’Happy Birthday!’ says The Toddler, confused by the presents.)

Ten Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said

10 Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said

  1. ‘The Toddler, don’t ride The Baby, please.’
  2. ‘The Baby doesn’t want a rhino on her head at the moment.’
  3. ‘Sweetheart, the little girl and her mummy don’t want to do the Hokey Cokey…No, we’re not doing the Hokey Cokey now…No: no “in out”.’
  4. ‘You want to phone Grandad’s doggies? Doggies aren’t very good at phone calls.’
  5. ‘No, The Baby, you can’t chew the cat!’
  6. ‘Yes, it’s raisins on a bus. Where do you think they’re going?’
  7. ‘I can’t sing that, darling. That’s not a song, it’s a hot air balloon.’
  8. ‘The cat doesn’t want a plastic banana, a toy remote, a spoon, or a small fluffy dinosaur, thank you, The Toddler.’
  9. ‘What’s that noisy? Well, that would be your bottom.’
  10. ‘Don’t wipe the cat. She doesn’t like it.’

 
 
See also: Ten (More) Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said

Batman Is Dave

Batman Is DaveThis post is just a quick update for readers of the ‘Batman’ (http://risforhoppit.uk/im-batman/) and ‘Hello Dave? Is that Dave?’ (http://risforhoppit.uk/hello-dave-is-that-dave/) posts. There was obviously an important issue left unresolved by those posts, and we all know what it was. Well, no more. The Toddler has now confirmed: Batman is Dave.

At approximately 7pm this evening, the news came in. The Toddler delivered the announcement: ‘Batman Dave! Batman Dave!’

There is a Dave in every workplace, and the Batcave is clearly no exception. ‘Hello, Dave…To the Bat-abile, Dave!’

Fishing

FishingThe Toddler is going fishing. We can tell because she has a broomstick. What? Surely you’ve heard of the Toddler-Fish Quidditch World Series?

The Toddler, brandishing her black and purple broomstick from when she was a witch at Halloween, is yelling, ‘Fishing! Going fishing!’ Perhaps she means witching? She’s going witching?

‘The Toddler is wanting fishing. Stay there, Mummy. One minute.’ The Toddler and her broomstick head into the hallway, where she can be heard chattering away: ‘Fishing. Water. Boats. The Toddler is going fishing. Fishing. Fishing. Fishing. Fishing.’

Silly Mummy peers out. Yes, The Toddler is indeed using the broomstick like a fishing rod. She definitely means fishing. Where has she learnt about fishing? Based on the choice of fishing rods, Silly Mummy is guessing Hogwarts.

I’ll Tell You What, Mummy: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

I'll Tell You What, Mummy: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last WeekIn what has now officially become a new feature (two weeks in a row is a new feature, right?), Silly Mummy once again presents ten of the funniest things The Toddler said last week. (If you missed last week’s edition, you can see it here.)

So here she is, The Toddler:

1. On Mummy, not getting a kiss
Silly Mummy asks The Toddler, ‘Can I have a kiss?’
‘No, Mummy. Thanks.’ Thanks? Thanks?? What is that? Not just rejected, but formally rejected: ‘Thank you for your interest in a kiss but, unfortunately, we will not pursuing your application at this time.’ Silly Mummy considers herself told.

2. On stairs, no one being big enough
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are about to descend the stairs. Silly Mummy is carrying The Baby; The Toddler will walk down herself, holding Mummy’s hand. The Toddler knows we must be careful going down the stairs. She knows The Baby cannot go down the stairs by herself. At the top of the stairs, The Toddler proclaims, ‘The Baby not stairs!’
Silly Mummy confirms, ‘No, The Baby can’t go on the stairs – she’s not big enough, is she?’
The Toddler nods, and adds, ‘The Toddler not big enough.’
‘You’re not big enough for the stairs?’
‘No. And Mummy not big girl. No stairs!’ Oh dear. The Baby, The Toddler and Silly Mummy are all not big enough to go down the stairs. Well, this is a dilemma. On with the post from the top of the stairs, where we shall remain until we are big girls.

3. On not
The Toddler has decided the word ‘not’ can stand alone. The Toddler holds no truck with any of the words ‘not’ usually serves to negate. Do not, cannot, will not, have not, is not, must not. Clearly, ‘not’ is the significant word here: those pesky verbs are just wasting her time.
‘Can you put those back, The Toddler?’
‘Oh no, Mummy, not.’
‘Do you want to get dressed, The Toddler?’
‘Oh no, Mummy, not.’

4. On Mummy, shutting up
‘Shhh, Mummy, shut.’ Did she just tell Silly Mummy to shut up? She just told Silly Mummy to shut up, didn’t she?

5. On Grandma, not available on the remote control
Now, The Toddler often Skypes with her various grandparents on the TV. She knows about Skype. She provides detailed instructions: ‘Call Grandma on TV. Remote up there! Armpit cam!’ (To clarify, the remotes are kept out of reach – ‘up there’. The webcam is not kept in anyone’s armpit – the shutter needs opening, and The Toddler’s version of ‘open it’ is ‘armpit’.) The Toddler is also aware that Mummy and Daddy tend to phone the grandparents first to see if they are available. It seems The Toddler is now taking matters into her own hands. She has her toy remote control. She puts it up to her ear. (The Toddler is very busy. She does not have time to find her toy phone and her toy remote. The remote is therefore now a phone.) ‘Hello. Talking. Hello, Grandma. It’s me. The Baby is naughty. Hello. Talking. Hmm. Yes. Okay.’ The Toddler takes the remote away from her ear. She is satisfied that she has now made the appropriate arrangements with Grandma on the remote/phone (and, apparently, has additionally reported The Baby for some unspecified transgression). The Toddler now points the remote at the TV: ‘Hello. It’s me. Hello.’ The TV continues to play Sarah and Duck. Not a Grandma in sight. (Not a parent in sight, for that matter. Who on earth is responsible for that child? Wandering around town with a duck. A duck is not a suitable legal guardian. In Silly Mummy’s day cartoon children were properly supervised by a pair of responsible adult legs at all times! But Sarah and Duck is not the point here…) The Toddler continues to wave the remote at the TV, which (unsurprisingly, given that it’s a toy remote) remains Grandma-less. ‘Hello. It’s me. Can’t see Grandma. Oh dear.’

6. On Daddy, doing it every time
Daddy and The Toddler are playing throw and catch (throw and throw, in The Toddler’s case (http://risforhoppit.uk/throw-and-catch/)). Without The Toddler’s prior written approval, Daddy decides to include The Baby in throw and catch. For the first time ever, Daddy throws the ball to The Baby. The Toddler shakes her head disapprovingly, ‘Every time, Daddy.’ Clearly, that particular sarcastic phrase has been over-used by the adults of the house. You have to hand it to The Toddler: she may have misinterpreted the appropriate context, but she absolutely nailed the appropriate tone.

7. On The Baby, shouldering the blame
The Toddler and The Baby are both misbehaving in the bathroom. The Toddler is attempting to wash the toilet with the hand soap. The Baby is attempting to make a break for it with her bottom out. Silly Mummy says, ‘You’re both naughty pickles.’
The Toddler nods wisely and says, ‘Yes, The Baby, you’re a naughty pickle.’

8. On drunkenness
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in M&S, walking through the menswear department. The Toddler starts yelling, ‘Drunken! Drunken, Mummy!’ Well, that’s not good. (Particularly unfair, too, as Silly Mummy in fact doesn’t drink at all.) The Toddler is not to be dissuaded: ‘Drunken! Drunken!’ Silly Mummy glances around, thinking maybe The Toddler means something else that just sounds like ‘drunken’. Nothing that sounds remotely like ‘drunken’ is identified. The Toddler continues to shout about ‘drunken’ until distracted by the lift: ‘Ooh up, down!’ (If you are wondering, Silly Mummy has no idea why The Toddler always seems to pick M&S for these incidents. (http://risforhoppit.uk/bin/) We don’t even go to M&S a lot.) The drunken episode is a mystery. It has been forgotten by two days later, when one of The Toddler’s DVDs of songs reaches ‘What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor’, and The toddler yells, ‘Drunken! Drunken!’ Oh, right. She was singing. Obviously. Silly Mummy. Now that Silly Mummy comes to think of it, why is ‘Drunken Sailor’ on a DVD of songs for young children, anyway? Do they not realise that small children believe singing means shouting random words from songs? Do they not realise people have to go out in public with their children?

9. On The Baby, offering encouragement to
The Baby pulls herself up on her little walker and sets off across the room. The Toddler, with no prompting, calls, ‘Oh wowee, The Baby! Oh wowee!’

10. On Mummy, telling her what
The Toddler has mastered the art of anticipation. Accidentally. She announces, ‘I’ll tell you what, Mummy.’ Silly Mummy is intrigued. What is this information The Toddler is about to impart? No, really, what is it? Hello? The Toddler is gone. She is unaware that the phrase ‘I’ll tell you what’ is intended to pre-empt, well, telling someone something. After some initial confusion as to where she picked up this latest toddler-ism, Silly Mummy can confirm that it has been conclusively traced to Justin’s House. Silly Mummy can only assume that Justin Fletcher does proceed to tell the audience something, but The Toddler is probably searching for imaginary jam by that point. (http://risforhoppit.uk/jam/)

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

Liebster Award

Liebster Award The Liebster Award, for those who don’t know, is a really lovely way of getting to know bloggers and their blogs. I believe it is based around 11: 11 facts, 11 answers, 11 questions. I don’t know why it is based around 11. In fairness to me, though, no one asked me. Really, you can check below. Had anyone asked me why it is 11, I would, of course, have conscientiously researched the point.

I was nominated for the Liebster Award twice. I have therefore answered both sets of questions. Go me! I have not, however, given two sets of 11 facts – I am very dull and could not possibly think of 22 facts about myself. I was nominated by Lucy at Occupation: (m)other (this is her lovely site http://occupationmother.net/), and Alice at Nipper and Tyke (this is her equally lovely site https://nipperandtyke.wordpress.com/). Thank you, ladies!

Now, without further ado, on with the business of learning all these fascinating facts about, well, ME! (I will set out at the end the rules of the Liebster Award and my nominations but, first: ME!)
 
 
11 Facts About Me

  1. I am 35 years old.
  2. I am a Yorkshire lass originally, though I have never sounded much like one.
  3. I lived in the US for a year when I was 16.
  4. My favourite book is ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’. Or ‘Catch 22’. Maybe ‘The Time Traveler’s Wife’? ‘The Book of Lost Things’! I love too many books.
  5. I watch ‘Love Actually’ and ‘Home Alone’ every Christmas.
  6. I can’t type. I use one finger. I’m pretty fast with one finger.
  7. I am a very good swimmer, but never got any of my certificates because I refused to dive.
  8. I very much like the French.
  9. I know some BSL, but really wish I was fluent.
  10. I can juggle. With four balls on a good day.
  11. I love Mexican food.

 
 
Lucy’s Questions

1. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

So many things! I was a fickle child, I now realise. Briefly, a mechanic. Mostly because people told me I shouldn’t want to be a mechanic. An artist for quite a while, but I lack sufficient talent. A teacher. A lawyer. However, if I’m being really honest, when I was little, I wanted to be Mary Poppins when I grew up. Or the Incredible Hulk.

2. If someone asks you if they should start a blog, would you say yes or no? And why?

I think yes if you really like writing, or you really like that form of interaction. If you are thinking of starting one because you feel like you should (for a business, for example), be aware that it is so much more work than you imagine. That may not feel worth it if you don’t actually enjoy blogging. For me, I am very glad that I did.

3. What is the one piece of advice you would give to someone about blogging?

Learn how to use Twitter! Or, at least, follow my lead: join Twitter for the first time, copy what other people seem to be doing, and hope that is how it works. (Then spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if that is what everyone on Twitter is doing. I mean, does anyone actually get Twitter? Or is everyone just copying other people, assuming everyone else knows what’s going on? Is Twitter the social media equivalent of when a car turns out of a traffic jam, and 50 other cars follow because they assume he knows a short cut? I have digressed. What on earth was I talking about…?)

4. Have you had a ‘sliding doors’ moment in your life – where things could have gone one way or another? Tell us about it!

After completing the Bar, I was uncertain what to do. I actually applied for a primary PGCE place, having always been torn between law & teaching. I got the place at university, and also got offered a training position in a firm of Solicitors. I took the Solicitors’ job. The firm was horrendous; the work was actually very interesting; long term I probably would have had a more secure career, that I was better suited to, in teaching. But, if I had taken that placement, my life would have gone a different way: some not so good things that happened may have been avoided, but ultimately I would not have my girls. Maybe I would have had children, but not MY girls.

5. What is your favourite season?

Christmas! CHRISTMAS! Yes, I know Christmas is not a season. Winter is my favourite season. But, really, Winter means Christmas to me (approaching Christmas, oh my god it’s nearly Christmas, it’s CHRISTMAS, I’m sad Christmas is over: see, the whole season is about Christmas). I also love cold weather & snow.

6. What would a perfect day in the above season look like for you?

Snowy, Christmas lights, Christmas trees, holding an eggnog latte. (50% of you just thought, ‘A what, now?’ 49% of you thought, ‘Eww! Disgusting! You are not the person I thought you were – I shall read no further.’ 1% of you thought, ‘Oh, I LOVE those!’)

7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? And why?

Lapland. Why? Really? Have you been listening to me at all??

8. What is the most surprising thing you have learnt about yourself since becoming a parent?
I am a cleaner! Everything must be clean. Who knew? Also, that I can, in fact, get in lifts. Do I like to get in lifts? Noooo. Are a two year old, a 10 month old and a tandem buggy compatible with not getting in lefts? Noooo.

9.Which toy belonging to your child or children do you most like playing with?

The Bat mask – sorry – shopping basket! No, actually, I like the activity cubes.

10. If you weren’t answering these questions, what would you be doing?

Trying to write something that wasn’t being helpfully guided by someone’s clearly defined questions. Perhaps I could do myself a list of questions to help me write. You know: ‘1. What the hell are you trying to write about?’ That sort of thing.

11. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Having really moved on from the days when I wanted to be Mary Poppins, I can now reveal that when I grow up I want to be Minerva McGonagal!
 
 
Alice’s Questions

1. How did your blog get its name?

My toddler started calling rabbits ‘hoppits’ when she first started to talk. She initially called them ‘hops’, for obvious reasons. I think she then started to realise that adults called them ‘rabbits’, so she tried to combine the two words. We thought this made a great word. One night, Daddy was going through flashcards with her. They got to R, with the picture of a rabbit. Daddy said, ‘R is for…?’ The Toddler, recognising the picture, replied, ‘Hoppit!’ This amused us. When I later decided to write a blog, and base it on looking at The Toddler’s language development, ‘R is for Hoppit’ seemed an obvious title.

2. Do you have, or have you ever had, any nicknames?

This is going to feel like a Nicknames Anonymous meeting, but, ‘Hello. My name is Bob. I have been Bob for about 25 years now…’ I realise this could be a little confusing, Bob being an actual name. So, just to be clear, my name is not Bob. Nor is it remotely close to Bob. My sister, for reasons lost in the mists of time, has been calling me Bob since some point in our childhood. My Dad, it transpires, somehow managed to miss this fact. He was therefore somewhat confused a couple of years ago, whilst looking at my birthday cards, to see a card for his daughter (who is not called Bob) addressed to Bob from his other daughter (who he had thought knew her sister’s name. Which is not Bob).

3. What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?

I have definitely blocked out all of my most embarrassing moments, and I am therefore unable to describe them. However, I called my teacher ‘mum’ once at primary school. Of course, the teacher was my mum, but that doesn’t necessarily make the situation any better. Arguably, it makes it worse. My mum was a supply teacher, and she had been offered maternity cover for a term in my class. When your mum is your teacher, you both go out of your way not to draw attention to that fact. If you call your teacher mum in this situation, you are the kid who called Miss ‘Mummy’, and the kid whose mummy is Miss all rolled into one!

4. If you were to enrol at university tomorrow, what would you study?

Defence Against the Dark Arts. I want to be an Auror. In the event of that course not being available, I would study a primary PGCE. Though, were I to start my education and choices over entirely, I would probably study medicine (psychiatry) or pharmacology.

5. If someone were to buy you a present, what you would you secretly wish for?

A time turner. (I do live in the real world, I really do!)

6. What are your guilty pleasures?

The Morganville Vampire books. No, I am not 14. They’re funny, honest. *Hangs head*

7. Tell me about your most precious possession (a thing, not a person).

It is virtually impossible for me to narrow this down. I am one of those people who is so sentimental it crosses over into being a hoarder territory. Therefore, pretty much anything ever given to me by someone I love falls into the category of most precious possession. However, I will go with my necklace with my daughters’ hand and finger prints.

 
 
 
So, that is me. Christmas loving, Mexican food eating, teen fiction reading, would be Mary Poppins, called Bob. Here are the rules, if my nominees wish to participate, and my nominations.
 
 
The Rules

  1. Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you, and link to their blog.
  2. Post the Liebster Award badge on your blog.
  3. Write 11 facts about yourself.
  4. Answer the 11 questions posed by the blogger who nominated you.
  5. Nominate 4-11 bloggers (with fewer than 1,000 followers), who you feel deserve the award.
  6. Write 11 new questions for your nominees.

 
 
My Nominees

(Apologies if any of you have already done it – I have tried to check! Feel free to ignore me!)

http://www.motherinferiorblog.com/
http://pickinguptoys.com/
http://scandimummy.com/
http://www.thisgloriouslife.co.uk/
 
 
My Questions

  1. What are your favourite and least favourite things about blogging?
  2. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?
  3. What is your favourite word, and why?
  4. What animal are you most scared of, and why?
  5. What amazes you?
  6. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?
  7. What book have you never read but always meant to?
  8. What was your favourite game as a child?
  9. Would you rather always have to say everything on your mind, or never speak again? Why?
  10. If you could meet one historical figure, who would it be? Why?
  11. Describe your perfect meal.

Hello, Dave. Is That Dave? *

Hello DaveApologies to anyone who didn’t watch The League of Gentlemen: this post may be less amusing without a background knowledge of Papa Lazarou. Though, actually, there will be some humour cross-over for Only Fools and Horses fans… Oh, who are we kidding? Television viewing preferences are irrelevant: we all know it is funny to call people Dave. Unless their name is Dave. It is true that the humour value of calling people Dave is reduced if their name is Dave.

So, as you may have guessed, The Toddler is calling people Dave. It was announced one morning: ‘Mummy’s Dave!’
‘Mummy’s Dave?’
‘Yes, Mummy’s Dave. The Baby’s Dave.’
‘The Baby’s Dave too?’
‘Yes! The Toddler’s Dave!’
‘You’re Dave? Is everyone Dave?’
‘Yes! Dave!’

There is a game that consists of calling random businesses and asking for Dave. The theory is that everyone works with a Dave. This may be so, but The Toddler prefers not to leave anything to chance. Everyone The Toddler works with is now Dave. Including The Toddler.

The Dave situation rapidly escalates. ‘Mummy’s Dave. The Baby’s Dave. The Toddler’s Dave. The cat is Dave!’ (The cat glares at The Toddler. The newly-named Dave The Cat is not happy.) Eventually, The Toddler’s transformation into Papa Lazarou is complete: Silly Mummy enters the room, The Toddler bounces over, ‘Hello, Dave!’ (Silly Mummy promptly wastes a good 15 minutes trying to teach a bemused toddler to say ‘you are my wife now’.)

Silly Mummy believes that the Dave episode is an important scientific discovery, proving the inherent comedy value of calling people Dave. The Toddler has never done this with any of the other names she knows. She has never seen ‘The League of Gentlemen’ or ‘Only Fools and Horses’. Yet she knew, instinctively, deep down in her soul, that it is just funny to call random people Dave. Silly Mummy is writing to the Editor of New Scientist as we speak: ‘Dear Dave…’

(*Quote attributable in part to The Toddler and in full to The League of Gentlemen)

 
 
You may also be interested in Batman Is Dave

Come On, Guys: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Come On, Guys: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last WeekIn what may become a new feature (if The Toddler continues to be funny this week), Silly Mummy presents ten of the funniest things The Toddler said last week (and a word from The Baby).

So, without further ado, Silly Mummy gives you The Toddler:

1. On The Baby, plans of
The Toddler is watching The Baby crawl out of the room: ‘The Baby busy. The Baby go shops.’ (Oh good: we need milk.) The Baby returns to the room seconds later. The Toddler announces: ‘The Baby not go shops. Baby want tea cup.’ (No milk, then. Good luck with that tea, The Baby.)

2. On the dolls’ house, orders given to
The Toddler wishes the dolls’ house to report for duty forthwith: ‘Come on doll house. Quick.’ The dolls’ house is about as obedient as The Baby, and stubbornly remains where it is.

3. On Mummy, waiting
The Toddler is taking an important, albeit imaginary, phone call: ‘Hello…talk…yes…’ The Toddler has spotted Silly Mummy. Apparently, Silly Mummy is needed. The Toddler pauses in her phone call to say to Silly Mummy, ‘Stay there, Mummy: one minute.’ She returns to the call, ‘Hello…talk…hello…hang on a minute.’ Evidently, the imaginary caller has been put on hold. Both Silly Mummy and the caller are now waiting. The Toddler has left. She’s eating raisins.

4. On The Baby, pickle tendencies
The Baby is trying to crawl away whilst her nappy is being changed.
Silly Mummy: ‘Oh, The Baby, you are a -‘
The Toddler: ‘- Pickle!’
Silly Mummy: ‘Yes! And a squidget fidget!’ (What?? It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say!)
The Toddler (giving Silly Mummy a disparaging look): ‘No. Not that one. Pickle.’ (Okay, apparently it’s not a perfectly reasonable thing to say. The Baby is just a pickle.)

5. On Mummy, opposition to
‘Oooh, Mummy, no!’ The Toddler is a Carry On film. Or Dick Emery. (Stay tuned: it is likely by next week Silly Mummy will be awful, but we’ll like it.)

6. On toast, losing that one
The Toddler is searching for plastic toast from her breakfast set: ‘Where’s that one toast? Where’s it gone, Mummy? More find it. Oh dear.’ (It’s still missing, incidentally. Silly Mummy knows you were on the edge of your seats, thinking, ‘But where was the one toast? Has it been found?’) Oddly, all missing items last week were referred to as ‘the one’: ‘Where’s the one gone?’ It was like The Toddler Matrix around here.

7. On wanting things, actually
‘I want that one, actually.’ Oh, actually. You want it, actually. Well, actually, that one is Silly Mummy’s mascara, actually. ‘Yes. That. Want it, actually.’

8. On herself, getting out of the way
The Toddler is trying to close the playpen gate whilst standing in the gateway. It is not going well. The Toddler has a word with herself: ‘Shut it door…The Toddler out way first.’

9. On coming on, guys
The Toddler is charging across the room. Apparently, everyone should be following. This requires a new command. The usual ‘come on, The Baby’ won’t cut it: everyone should be following. The Toddler is therefore calling, ‘Come on, guys!’ Yep, that ought to cover it, but where on earth did she learn it?

10. On The Baby, looks
The Toddler sidles over to The Baby. She declares The Baby to be ‘gorgeous’. That is all. She sidles away.

(And a word from The Baby
‘Duck!’ Yes, duck. The Baby has taken to repeating ‘duck’ whenever she hears Silly Mummy or The Toddler say it, which is surprisingly often (thanks, ‘Sarah and Duck’). Silly Mummy wonders what The Baby thinks ‘duck’ is. Has ‘duck’ been said with such disproportionate frequency that The Baby is under the impression it is a vital word? The first word she will need. See what you’ve done, Sarah and Duck!)

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

Five and a Half Ways The Baby Is a Big Disappointment to The Toddler

Five And A Half Ways The Baby Is A Disappointment To The ToddlerIt should be made clear at the outset that The Toddler loves The Baby. The Toddler is very proud of The Baby. She likes to show The Baby to anyone and everyone: ‘My sis!’ Nonetheless, The Baby is, on occasion, a big disappointment to The Toddler; and here are five and a half reasons why.

1. She sits on her bottom when she has been explicitly told, several times, ‘Come on, The Baby! Quick, quick!’

2. She upsets the cat. The Toddler has worked very hard to earn the cat’s attitude of contemptuous tolerance towards her. The Toddler plays it cool. The cat respects this. The Baby does not play it cool. The baby is overzealous in displaying her love of the cat. The cat doesn’t like it. Now, what it comes down to is this: we all love the cat, but some of us (naming no babies) are upsetting her and ruining it for everyone else. The Baby is not a team player: ‘Mummy, The Baby naughty. Cat not happy.’

3. She does not kiss properly. The Toddler says, ‘Mummy, want to kiss The Baby. Bring here. Kiss.’ The Baby is duly presented for toddler kisses. The Toddler tries to kiss The Baby. The Baby turns her head. The Toddler laughs, ‘No, The Baby: kiss! Come here! Kiss!’ The Toddler tries again. The Baby turns her head. The Toddler is nothing if not persistent: ‘No – kiss!’ She approaches The Baby once more. The Baby puts her head forward. Things are looking promising. The Baby has remembered this kiss thing: she is going to nail it this time. The Baby opens her mouth and grabs The Toddler’s hair. Not quite, The Baby. Despite The Baby’s failure to reciprocate appropriately, The Toddler is determined to show The Baby love. The Baby will be shown love. It is therefore now cuddle time: ‘Cuggle! The Toddler cuggle The Baby!’ The Toddler moves toward The Baby. The Baby reaches out her arms – she has spotted hair again. The Toddler dodges: ‘No, The Baby! Don’t!’

4. She does not do the Hokey Cokey. The Toddler is doing the Hokey Cokey. Which is to say, she is doing the important part of the Hokey Cokey: running in and out whilst screaming, ‘Rah, rah, rah!’ The Baby is sitting on the floor, chewing a toy remote control. The Toddler turns to her: ‘Come on, The Baby! Cokey!’ The Baby continues to sit on the floor. She continues to chew the remote. She shows no inclination to do the Hokey Cokey, or even to turn around. Not a single arm goes in or out. The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘Mummy! The Baby’s turn! Cokey!’

5. She is not a bumble bee. The Toddler is dressed as a bumble bee. For reasons that are incomprehensible to The Toddler (The Baby does not have a bumble bee outfit), The Baby is not dressed as a bumble bee. The Toddler addresses The Baby firmly: ‘The Baby bee! The Baby get clothes! Bee! Buzz!’ Despite these very clear instructions, The Baby continues to not be a bumble bee.

5 1/2. The Baby is not doing the Hokey Cokey dressed as a bumble bee. The Toddler knows it can be done: she herself is doing the Hokey Cokey dressed as a bumble bee. The Baby remains very uncooperative on both points. Disappointing.

 
 
If you enjoyed this post, check out Five and a Half Things The Baby Has Learnt From The Toddler

I’m Batman

I'm BatmanThe Toddler has a plastic toy shopping basket (‘bask shop’) on her head. ‘I’m Batman! Batman, Mummy!’

Clearly, this is hilarious. It is also a little surprising. The Toddler has never seen Batman. She may have heard of Batman. It is possible that, when The Toddler was first starting to talk a lot and tended to speak in a hoarse whisper, Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy may have devoted some time to trying to get her to say, ‘I’m Batman!’ This was entertaining – mostly to Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy – but was not overly successful, though she did try to say ‘Batman’ a couple of times. This had long since been forgotten. Except…there may have been one other Batman incident. On a trip to an interactive play centre, there was a Batman mask in the dressing up room. Daddy tried to put it on The Toddler. There may have been further mention of ‘I’m Batman!’ The Toddler was having none of it. Daddy wore the mask. But that was weeks ago.

Why The Toddler suddenly recalled these limited incidents of Batman on this day is a mystery. Funny what they remember. Maybe Gotham needed her. Why The Toddler felt that the shopping basket resembled Batman’s mask is even more of a mystery, though a testament to her resourcefulness. But, then, Batman is nothing if not resourceful.

So, The Toddler is Batman. Apparently, The Baby is also Batman. The basket goes on The Baby’s head: ‘The Baby is Batman! The Baby Batman!’ Well, Baby Batman is confused. What is going on here? Usually something on The Baby’s head indicates the playing of peekaboo. She wonders if Batman is the new peekaboo? Do we now pull off the head covering item and shout ‘Batman’? When in doubt giggle. The Baby giggles. She is not a natural Batman. Batman does not giggle.

The fact that The Baby is now Batman demonstrates just how inexperienced The Toddler is both at being Batman and at being a big sister. Baby siblings, of course, exist to be relegated to the role of Robin. No one told The Toddler. She is sharing Batman. We all get to be the shopping-basketed crusader: ‘Mummy Batman! Come on, Mummy! Bask shop on head! Batman!’

Following absolutely no prompting from Silly Mummy (no idea where she could possibly have learnt it), Toddler Batman declares, ‘To the Bat-abile…ooh cat! Sit there, cat!’ Batman seems awfully easily distracted today. Batmobile forgotten, Batman is now following the cat, discussing seating arrangements. That’s not going to save Gotham, now, is it? Unless the latest threat to Gotham comes in the form of Catwoman sitting on the wrong cushion.

Batman is returning to her alter-ego Toddler Wayne: she needs the bat mask/shopping basket to pick up her shopping. ‘Tidy oranges, Batman!’