From February 2016

Cardboard Panda: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said, this week featuring The Baby’s Corner and, unexpectedly, a silent item.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, putting up with her

Silly Daddy does an office job, and so generally works regular Monday to Friday hours. However, he occasionally has to do some extra hours on a Saturday. So it is a Saturday, and Silly Daddy is at work. The Toddler and The Baby have been out with Silly Mummy. Heading home, The Toddler is asking whether Silly Daddy will be there. Silly Mummy explains that Silly Daddy won’t be back until dinner time, like during the week, concluding flippantly: ‘And you’ll have to put up with Mummy.’
The Toddler nods seriously: ‘Yes, like I normally do.’ How rude.

2. On farewells, rude

The Toddler’s farewells are becoming significantly less polite: ‘See you soon. Don’t have a lovely day.’

3. On Silly Daddy’s shoe

The Toddler has something important she needs to tell Silly Mummy. She makes sure she has Silly Mummy’s full attention for her urgent and riveting tale: ‘Mummy, Mummy, MUMMY…I had a lovely time walking on Daddy’s shoe. And he said, “Give it back”.’ She runs off. Apparently that’s it. Well, that’s…good to know.

4. On herself, being the First Lady

It should be noted here that Silly Mummy often refers to The Toddler and The Baby as ‘ladies’. Also that The Toddler wants to come to the dinner table first. These facts, rather than an unusually sophisticated grasp on American politics for a two year old, probably explain her charging across the room announcing: ‘I’m the First Lady!’

5. On Kung Fu Panda

Silly Daddy has asked The Toddler if she’d like to watch Kung Fu Panda later. She is now very excited about the impending viewing of: ‘Cardboard Panda!’

6. On additional information, confusing

The Toddler’s explanations of her statements have progressed from adding nothing to adding contradiction and confusion: ‘When Grandma comes on Saturday, she doesn’t always come on Saturday.’

7. On road safety

The Toddler and The Baby are in the hallway, engaged in a game of imaginary outings. They’re mostly shopping. However, it does appear that The Toddler has somewhat misunderstood the principles of road safety: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s get to the main road.’ The rule would be stay away from the main road, The Toddler, not aim for it.

8. On psychoanalysis

The Toddler has taken up impersonating Sigmund Freud this week, and now responds to most information with: ‘Hmm, interesting.’ (Sometimes she opts for outright sarcasm, and responds to everything with a very disingenuous: ‘That’s interesting.’)

9. On her sister, wanting her back

Silly Daddy has walked off with The Baby like he owns her, and The Toddler is not happy. She speaks to Silly Daddy firmly: ‘Daddy, can you bring The Baby back cos that’s my sister.’

10. On armed (with a Peppa Pig rolling pin) robbery

(This final item is admittedly not something The Toddler said, but is deserving of a mention nonetheless.)

 
The Baby is pushing around her little toy shopping trolley. The Toddler comes up behind her with a toy Peppa Pig rolling pin, and points it at The Baby’s back. She proceeds to take the trolley from The Baby. It is essentially a toddler stick up.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby can say ‘Grandma’ (it was ‘Amama’, but now she has mastered ‘Grandma’). She cannot, however, say ‘Grandad’. She has solved this dilemma in the obvious manner: she calls Grandad ‘Grandma’. The Baby has seen a man at the till in the coffee shop. He reminds her of Grandad. As such, she is pointing at him whilst insistently yelling, ‘Grandma! Grandma!’ The man looks confused. Having paid, he goes to sit down (unsurprisingly, a long way from The Baby). The Baby is offended: ‘Where’s Grandma gone?’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

The Toddler Riddle

girl-504315_1280Do you know Einstein’s Riddle? A logic puzzle often, and probably wrongly, attributed to Albert Einstein, it has many variations. It is claimed that only 2% of the population will be able to solve it and get the correct answer. Some tellings of it also claim that the speed with which you can work it out can demonstrate your IQ. It is considered to be a very difficult logic puzzle. It isn’t. Einstein’s Riddle is no match for the Toddler Riddle.

As with Einstein’s puzzle, there are a series of facts and clues to this toddler logic puzzle, which you should use to try to solve the question at the end. Unfortunately, ability to solve the Toddler Riddle does not indicate genius, merely that you have toddlers…and have probably gone mad.

 
Facts

1. There are five toddlers.

2. Each toddler is in a different mood today.

3. Each toddler will only eat one thing. None of the toddlers will eat the same thing as any of the other toddlers.

4. No toddler likes anything they liked yesterday.

 
Clues

1. Toddler One only wears an Elsa costume.

2. Toddler Two only wears pyjamas.

3. Toddler Three only wears an Elsa costume with pyjamas. And one glove.

4. Toddler Four’s favourite sport is baby javelin, in which contestants see how far they can throw a baby sibling.

5. Toddler Five’s favourite sport is cat riding, which is mildly more dangerous than rodeo.

6. The toddler who pours all of her water on the floor has a pet carrot.

7. The toddler who is wearing one welly likes broccoli. But only on Tuesdays.

8. The toddler who will only sleep with 22 books in her bed won’t wear her coat. Unless there is a heatwave.

9. The toddler who likes to jump off the sofa has a bump on her head. These are connected.

10. The toddler who is obsessed with Peppa Pig…no, wait: all of the toddlers are obsessed with Peppa Pig.

11. The toddler who only eats bread has an envelope. It’s his favourite toy.

12. The toddler who is carefully arranging coasters into a straight line is not listening to anything Mummy is saying (and nor are the rest of the toddlers).

13. The toddler who is screaming doesn’t know why.

14. The toddler who has crayoned on the sofa is blaming a stuffed dinosaur.

15. The toddler whose favourite food is spaghetti bolognese is staging a sit in to protest his dinner of spaghetti bolognese, which he hates.

 
 
Question

The question is: Why is custard?

 
 
What do you mean, it’s taken you three years and you couldn’t solve toddler logic?! (The answer, of course, is ‘because it is’.)

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

 
 

My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows

Toddler History (Toddler Lessons: Part Four)

Queen_Victoria_18873In Part Four of the Toddler Lessons series, we are studying History.

 
Toddlers understand that there is much we can learn from studying history. Here are five historical periods that have had a great influence on toddlers.

 
1. The Roman Empire

Like the Romans, Toddlers like to take the straightest possible route, carving their roads directly through the middle of toys, furniture and other people. All Roman roads led to Rome. All toddler roads lead to trouble.

Toddlers share with Romans a talent for leaving a permanent mark on the world. Some Roman structures have impressively stood for more than 2000 years. This is approximately how long toddler handprints will remain, irremovable, on the wall of your house.

Like Caligula (allegedly), toddlers are extremely likely to appoint a horse (or the cat, Iggle Piggle, or a very important piece of Lego) as their chief adviser.

In language similarities, no one really understands how either Latin or toddler verbs are conjugated.

 
2. The Dark Ages

Much like the Dark Ages, very little is actually understood about toddlers. Most of what is believed to be known about toddlers is, in fact, wrong.

Records of the Toddler Ages are mostly limited to blurred photographs of the ever moving subject, which tell us very little, and self-taken portraits of knees. Historians have bitterly debated the significance of knees to toddlers, with no agreement yet reached. Most written records of the Toddler Ages have been eaten, shredded or dipped in porridge.

There is known to be much crying and yelling during the Toddler Ages, but the causes of this remain a mystery to scholars and parents.

 
3. Tudors and Stuarts

Toddlers typically take quite a lot of their day-to-day lives from the reign of the Tudors and Stuarts. Like fickle affections. Yesterday’s favourite person is today liable to be divorced/beheaded/prodded with a tiny but lethal finger/called a naughty wolf (delete as applicable, depending on whether you are dealing with a toddler or Henry VIII). Following the teachings of their Tudor mentors, toddler ideologies are also subject to abrupt change. Everyone will be required to follow the toddler’s firmly held beliefs (it is 9am and therefore time for lunch), or be subjected to interrogation (‘Why?’) and torture (beatings with a plastic teapot). The beliefs themselves, however, will be abandoned and replaced with different beliefs quicker than you can say ‘Reformation’. ‘No, Mummy, we hate Mr Tumble.’ But…you cried for two hours this morning because you wanted to watch him.

If you have a toddler, just like the Stuarts, they have probably brought the Great Plague home from nursery (put chamomile lotion on it).

Neither toddlers nor the people of the Stuart period can be trusted with baking. (Though, in all fairness, The Great Fire of London might have been responsible for ending the Great Plague of London (see above). Of course, toddler baking is likely to only succeed in ending the cupcake tray. And Mummy’s eyebrow.)

Punch and Judy was introduced to England during the Stuart reign. It is introduced to most toddler households on a daily basis. Let’s face it, it wouldn’t be a Tuesday with a toddler unless the baby has been mishandled, someone has been yelled at, everyone has been hit repeatedly with some kind of stick-like implement, and a toy crocodile has turned up for no apparent reason. ‘That’s the way to do it!’

 
4. The Victorian Era

Toddlers have a great deal in common with the Victorians. They like to play with trains. They are very excited by telephones. They enjoy child labour. (Toddlers would willingly march off to the workhouse or scale a chimney. As long as they thought adults were doing it and they were not allowed, of course.) Any item of clothing that it is virtually impossible to walk in, and completely impossible to sit down in, is favoured as the most practical thing to wear by toddlers, just as it was for the Victorians before them. Bonus points if it trails on the floor and trips them up.

 
5. First World War

Toddlers seem to follow the model of the First World War for most of their conflicts. As such, toddler wars appear to involve pretty much anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. They largely revolve around vicious, but ultimately futile, battles, which don’t actually result in any kind of movement on either side. Following great blood shed, occupation of the disputed area of sofa remains unchanged. No one has the faintest idea how the war actually started or why they are fighting in it.

 
 

(Please Note: These eras are listed in correct chronological order. That is about as far as I guarantee the historical accuracy of this post.)

 
 

You can see other posts in my Toddler Lessons series here.

 
 
Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are open until 31st July. If you find me at all amusing, I would love nominations in the Best Comic Writer category. Nominating is very simple by following the link above. Thank you for reading my shameless begging.

Hush, Little Baby (Here Are Some Ridiculous Gifts)

mockingbird-702804_1280 Hush, little baby, don’t say a word,
Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird

(No, I don’t know why you’d want one either
Let’s hope you don’t contract bird fever)

And if that mockingbird won’t sing,
Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring

(No, giving a baby a diamond ring
Doesn’t sound the most suitable thing)

And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Papa’s gonna buy you a looking glass

(Mirror mirror on the wall
What is the stupidest gift of all?)

And if that looking glass gets broke,
Papa’s gonna buy you a billy goat

(If the broken glass doesn’t cause a cut or two,
Perhaps the bloody goat will headbutt you)

And if that billy goat won’t pull,
Papa’s gonna buy you a cart and bull

(No, a bull doesn’t seem a soothing gift for a baby
Is Papa having some kind of breakdown maybe?)

And if that cart and bull turn over,
Papa’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover

(Oh, a dog. A dog seems vaguely sane
The rest if these gifts are completely inane)

And if that dog named Rover won’t bark,
Papa’s gonna buy you a horse and cart

(Why are these animals all mute or lame?
More to the point, are they even tame?)

And if that horse and cart fall down,
You’ll still be the sweetest little baby in town

(And if Papa brings any more stupid gifts for you,
Mama’s going to give him a talking to)

Let’s Get Ready for the Interrogation: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

baby-1150954_1280In this week’s Ten Funniest Things The Toddler said post, we have toddler espionage, and you know what they say about too many toddlers in the kitchen…

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On the kitchen, too crowded
Silly Mummy goes into the kitchen. Before she can get the child gate shut, The Toddler barges in, The Baby hot on her heels. The Toddler looks around disapprovingly: ‘There are far too much childrens in this kitchen!’ Indeed.

2. On knowing nothing
Futile conversations with The Toddler, number 20808:
‘Mummy, you know what we do with tweezers, don’t you?’
‘What do we do?’
‘I’ve decided I don’t know.’

3. On having too much
The Toddler is trying to get extra mini gingerbread men: ‘Can I have one more?’ Silly Mummy hands her one. The Toddler pushes her luck: ‘Can I have too much?’ Silly Mummy thinks she got confused with ‘two more’.

4. On your marks
The Toddler is about to throw a ball to The Baby. She prepares The Baby: ‘Are you ready on your marks?’

5. On who’s been playing with her bubbles
The Toddler is having her bath. The Baby just had a bath. The Baby may have touched the bubbles during her bath. The Toddler is not happy. She seems to be doing her best Goldilocks and the Three Bears impression: ‘Who’s been playing with my bubbles?’ At least Goldilocks Baby didn’t fall asleep in them.

6. On I spy
The Toddler has taken up playing a lot of I spy of late. She hasn’t quite grasped the game: ‘My little I spy is something beginning with red. I win.’

7. On being disgusted
The Toddler has discovered the word ‘disgusted’, but she can’t quite pronounce it. She has got a bit of fluff on her finger. She holds it out to Silly Mummy: ‘Take it off! That’s insusted!’ She drafts in Silly Daddy’s assistance with the disgusting finger: ‘Daddy, we’ve got an insusted!’

8. On bouncing at her convenience
The Baby is watching Mr Maker. The Toddler is going upstairs for a nap. Halfway up the stairs, The Toddler hears ‘bounce everyone’ from the TV in the living room. She pauses and calls back down the stairs: ‘I can’t bounce just now, Mr Maker. I’ll do it later.’

9. On the interrogation
The Toddler and The Baby are playing together. Exactly what they are playing is called into question when The Toddler declares: ‘Right then, The Baby, let’s get ready for the interrogation.’ They’re probably just acting out their favourite John Le Carre novel again: Toddler, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

10. On elaboration
The Toddler has taken up expanding on her statements with additional information that adds literally nothing to what was already known: ‘When I ask for the big spoon, I ask for the big spoon.’

 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Toddler Art (Toddler Lessons: Part Three)

256px-Claude_Monet,_Impression,_soleil_levant Part Three of my series in Toddler Lessons is Toddler Art.

 
Toddlers love art, and they have a surprisingly sophisticated grasp on a wide range of artistic styles and techniques. Here are ten, as demonstrated by toddler artists.

 
1. Abstract Art

(Art that is not representative of reality or recognisable images.)

 
Abstract art is the primary style of the toddler artist. That yellow squiggle represents ‘Mummy, a mermaid and my sandwich’, mostly because toddler artists feel compelled to give an answer when asked what their squiggle is a picture of. Toddlers actually take the concept of abstraction beyond the confines of art, and can often be seen applying it as a general approach to life, sometimes spending entire days at a time engaging in activities with no connection to reality.

 
2. Baroque

(An artistic style that used exaggerated motion and clear detail to create grandeur, drama and tension.)

 
Toddlers usually work in the Baroque style when creating art on walls and furniture, using exaggerated motion and clear, grandiose scribbles to effectively create drama and tension when the masterpiece is discovered by a parent.

 
3. Composition

(The placement or arrangement of visual elements in a work of art.)

 
Toddler artists can be identified by their unique take on composition. Toddlers like to arrange all visual elements in their artwork on top of each other in a tiny space, not quite on the corner of the paper, leaving the rest of the page blank.

 
4. Surrealism

(Works feature an element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non sequiturs.)

 
Surrealism features very heavily in toddler artwork. Particularly when the artwork appears on the cat.

 
5. Colour Theory

(Guidance to colour mixing and the visual effects of a specific colour combination.)

 
In toddler art, colour theory is the belief that the visual effect of any piece of art can be substantially improved by the specific colour combination of liberally adding black over the top of everything else.

 
6. Portrait Painting

(Paintings intended to depict a human subject.)

 
Toddler portrait paintings are slightly different, being intended not so much to depict a human subject as to appear on a human subject.

 
7. Impressionism

(Focus on the impression created by the overall visual effects, instead of details.)

 
For toddlers, an impressionist work is a beautiful and intricate piece of art etched into the dining room table whilst the toddler was giving the impression of drawing on their paper.

 
8. Minimalism

(A style using pared-down design elements.)

 
Toddlers are minimalist geniuses, so much so that they can turn any piece of artwork into a minimalist masterpiece. A picture of a cat and some flowers, carefully drawn by Mummy for the toddler to colour in, for example, can be transformed into a minimalist study in blue, by the simple application of heavy and indiscriminate scribbling in blue crayon across the whole page. Such is a toddler’s commitment to minimalism that entire weeks can be spent agreeing to colour only in orange. The ultimate toddler exercise in minimalism is, of course, the careful colouring of a white sheet of paper in white crayon.

 
9. Expressionism

(Representation of the world from a subjective perspective, distorting it for emotional effect to evoke moods or ideas.)

 
Toddlers sometimes like to use expressionism to colour on baby siblings, representing the subjective perspective that it is highly amusing to colour on baby siblings, and evoking moods of annoyance (parents) and confusion (baby sibling), and the idea that all pens should be removed from the house.

 
10. Conceptual Art

(The idea or concept is the most important aspect of the work, over and above traditional aesthetic concerns. Conceptual art is said to question the nature of art.)

 
Like Tracey Emin’s work, much toddler art work leads firstly to confused whispering. ‘Is this art?’ ‘What is this meant to be?’ Followed by ultimately fruitless questioning of the artist, which leaves no one any the wiser. As conceptual art, toddler art is quite brilliant: the nature of art can consider itself questioned.

 
 

(Please Note: As always, no educational value should be inferred in the contents of this post. I don’t know a Monet from a Manet. Mind you, no one knows Monet from Manet, do they?)

 
 

You can see other posts in my Toddler Lessons series here.

‘Mummy, There’s Something Wrong With The Baby!’

The (Alleged) Incident

Silly Mummy has popped upstairs with some laundry that has come out of the dryer, leaving The Toddler and The Baby playing in the living room.

The Toddler is standing at the stairgate at the bottom of the stairs, yelling, ‘Mummy, there’s something wrong with The Baby! She needs help!’ Nothing can be heard from The Baby.

 
The Possibilities

1. The Baby is choking
Against: The Baby does not have any food.
For: Not everything The Baby chooses to ‘eat’ is food.
Likelihood: 30%

2. The Baby has fallen off something
Against: Completely silently, without so much as a bang on impact.
Likelihood: 5%

3. The Baby has got stuck
For: The Baby does like to get into everything. There is a chance she is in a drawer. Or upside down behind the sofa.
Against: And has lost her voice so that she can’t mention this herself?
Likelihood: 70%

4. The Baby is unconscious
For: She has been ill. Perhaps she’s had a sudden attack.
Against: She only has a bad cold. Can you have a sudden attack of a cold?
Likelihood: 10%

5. The Toddler has trapped The Baby’s fingers in something
For: The Toddler does do this often.
Against: The Baby usually mentions it herself. Quite vocally.
Likelihood: 15%

6. The Baby has had a nappy related incident
For: Always a possibility.
Against: The Baby is usually more concerned about nappy incidents than The Toddler. In this event, The Baby would probably be at the bottom of the stairs herself, hollering, ‘Mummy, poo!’
Likelihood: 50%

7. The Toddler has sat on The Baby, and The Baby is dazed and confused
For: This hasn’t happened yet (that is to say, The Toddler has sat on The Baby, but has yet to daze her), but it seems like something that could happen.
Likelihood: 80%

8. The Baby is fine
Likelihood: 98%

 
The Action

Silly Mummy runs downstairs.

 
The Discovery

The Baby is sitting on the sofa, holding a teddy bear. She looks bemused, but does not appear to be in need of assistance.

 
Potential Conclusions

1. The Toddler is a drama queen/fibber.

2. The Toddler thought Silly Mummy could use some exercise, and knows stair running is very good for bums and thighs.

3. If this is The Toddler’s reaction to The Baby having a sit down with a teddy bear, it is probably safe to assume that she is not going to keep it together come the zombie apocalypse.

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

Toddler Mathematics (Toddler Lessons: Part Two)

pythagoras-153530_1280 Continuing (what I have now decided to make) my series in Toddler Lessons, which began with Toddler Laws of Physics, I present Toddler Mathematics.

 
Toddlers are actually surprisingly good at mathematics. Need convincing? Here are ten maths lessons from toddlers.

 
1. Addition

Toddlers are excellent at addition: ‘Toddler, why do you have two biscuits? I gave you one biscuit. Is that your little sister’s biscuit?’

 
2. Subtraction

Subtraction is what happens to toddlers’ shoes, socks, hats and gloves during outings.

 
3. Positive and negative numbers

(The result of multiplying two negative numbers is a positive number.)

 
Toddlers have a very clear grasp of the idea that two negatives make a positive. It is why ‘NO, do NOT paint the cat’ means ‘absolutely, please do go ahead and paint the cat – what a wonderful idea’.

 
4. Percentage

(A number or ratio expressed as a fraction of 100.)

 
Toddlers use percentages largely to determine how much food their parents actually get to eat. 100% is the percentage of Mummy’s food that belongs to the toddler. 10% is the maximum percentage of Mummy’s food that the toddler is prepared to share with Mummy.

 
5. The Law of Large Numbers

(According to the Law of Large Numbers, the average of the results obtained from a high number of trials should be close to the expected value, and should become closer the more trials are performed.)

 
Not many people know this, but toddlers have worked tirelessly on proving the Law of Large Numbers. This is why they like to do a single activity over and over again, selflessly demonstrating results exactly as expected/as obtained two seconds ago. Thanks to the dedicated work of toddler researchers, it has been shown that three billion viewings of a single episode of Peppa Pig does confirm the Law of Large Numbers, producing average results close to the expected value: i.e. 100% of parents rocking in a corner.

 
6. Ratio

(A relationship showing how much of one thing there is compared to another.)

 
Ratios are quite important to toddlers. The ratio of vegetables to treats in a toddler’s daily food intake must not be above 1 : 50, or the offered food will be rejected/thrown. (The one vegetable should be a pea.)

 
7. Whole numbers and fractions

Toddlers like to use Christmas Day to demonstrate the difference between whole numbers and fractions. Their new toys start the day as whole numbers but, following some rigorous ‘banging against the radiator’ tests, are mostly fractions by lunch time. (Coincidentally, the difference between ‘smiling’ and ‘crying’ is also demonstrated on Christmas Day.)

 
8. Pi

(The ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter. Formulas using pi include: the circumference of a circle can be calculated by multiplying twice the radius by pi.)

 
Toddlers use this formula to calculate the circumference of the ‘Circle of Destruction’ they will be able to form by swinging any toy attached to a piece of string (radius). This enables them to maximise the damage to person, property and cat.

 
9. Pythagoras’ Theorem

(Used to calculate the length of the sides of a right angled triangle. The square of the hypotenuse (the side opposite the right angle) is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.)

 
When toddlers jump from the back of a sofa, the little geniuses employ Pythagoras’ Theorem, using the sum of the squares of the height of the sofa and the depth of the sofa to accurately calculate the length of the stay in hospital to have a plaster cast put on their arm.

 
10. Inequalities

(A relationship between two values when they are different. For example: a < b (a is less than b), a > b (a is greater than b).)

 
Inequalities are an area of toddler expertise. In all circumstances, it is vital that a > b, where a = the number of toys a toddler has in his or her possession, and b = the number of toys a toddler’s younger sibling has in his or her possession. Likewise, c < d, where c = the number of layers of clothing a toddler will deign to wear to leave the house, and d = the number of layers of clothing the temperature outside requires to avoid hypothermia.    

(Please Note: As with the science in Toddler Laws of Physics, absolutely no level of mathematical accuracy should be assumed in the contents of this post. In fact, Stephen Hawking is most displeased with both posts.)

 
 

You can see other posts in my Toddler Lessons series here.

Where’s Daddy Gone: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time again for the Ten Funniest Things feature. This week, technically The Ten Funniest Things The Toddlers Said Last Week, as The Baby is putting in an appearance.

Silly Mummy presents The Toddler/The Baby:

1. On being Bruce Forsyth
The Toddler is talking to The Baby in the bath: ‘Haven’t you had a lovely time, The Baby?’ Yes, The Toddler is Bruce Forsyth.

2. On Little Red Riding Hood, not a shoplifter
The Toddler is pretending to be Little Red Riding Hood. Apparently, The Toddler’s Little Red Riding Hood has been suspected of shop lifting, and is keen to set the record straight. The Toddler puts a giant muslin on her head (as her hood, obviously), and marches off towards the door: ‘Hello, Grandma, I’ve got some food for you. I paid for it first.’

3. On what happens when the yoghurt is finished
The Toddler has finished her yogurt, and has a truly masterful grasp on all that entails: ‘All done now. No more eating it for me.’ (Gifted, you say? Why, thank you. It doesn’t seem presumptuous to say Mensa is being considered.)

4. On the pantomime
The Toddler has been having flashbacks again. This time to the pantomime she saw before Christmas: ‘When I was at pantomime, I saw Snow White. And Snow White was ill. And TV* was broken. And I clapped. And I said ‘boo’ to Evil Queen. And Evil Queen spun around. Woo. Mr Maker was her friend.’ Quite accurate, actually.

(*She means the magic mirror.)

 
5. On polite enquiries
Silly Mummy drops a bottle of shampoo in the bathroom. The Toddler, who has been raised extremely well, don’t you know, takes a (very) polite interest: ‘My darling, what did you do, darling?’

6. On the cat, not having a balloon
The Toddler has mastered the art of ‘because I said so’. The cat has been eyeing up her balloon, The Toddler is stern: ‘It’s my balloon, Cat. You can’t have it cos you can’t have it.’

7. On the monster, lost
The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy, looking sheepish: ‘Mummy, I’ve got a problem. I’ve lost the monster. Can you help me find him?’ Silly Mummy wasn’t actually aware that there was a monster, but it seems a reasonable request. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, to lose one monster can be considered a misfortune. Though, if she loses another, it will start to look like carelessness, and Silly Mummy will have to put her foot down.

8. On the best film for her
The Toddler is picking a film to watch. Silly Mummy says, ‘We’ve got How to Train Your Dragon, or shall we look for Kung Fu Panda?’
The Toddler knows what’s right for her: ‘No, I think dragon will be best for me.’

9. On giraffes, dog-like
The Baby likes to call all animals dogs at the moment. She presents Silly Mummy with a wooden giraffe: ‘Dog!’
Silly Mummy futilely corrects her: ‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
The Baby decides to give Silly Mummy a break. She smiles sweetly: ‘Giraffe-dog!’

10. On Silly Daddy, leaving
Silly Daddy is off to work. The Baby has decided she is not in the mood for long goodbyes this morning. She is literally showing Silly Daddy the door. Standing in the entrance way she points: ‘Door! Daddy, door!’ Silly Daddy is still saying goodbye to The Toddler. The Baby impatiently waves goodbye: ‘Daddy, door!’ Silly Daddy finally leaves. As he shuts the door, The Baby turns to Silly Mummy, looking surprised: ‘Where’s Daddy gone?’ Well, he was unceremoniously booted out of the house, The Baby. By you.

 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

These Are a Few of MY Favourite Things (Mine, All Mine)

four_dwarvesToday we’re getting musical, in the loosest possible sense of the word, with The Toddler and The Baby, and their top five hits of the year so far, as featured in the Silly Chart Show.

 
5. A new entry from The Toddler, with Don’t Pick Your Nose Up Off the Floor

There is a song on The Toddler’s Sing and Sign DVD that goes:
‘Don’t wipe your nose on the sofa
Don’t trap your fingers in the door
You shouldn’t, you mustn’t, you can’t do that
And don’t eat that biscuit off the floor’

The Toddler is in the back of the car, performing her own special rendition of this song: ‘…Don’t pick your nose up off the floor…’

 
4. An old favourite staying steady at Number 4 (though we may have forgotten it): The Toddler, with Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

The Toddler would like it to be known that she still knows Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious: ‘I remember that Califragilistic song!’ Indeed. Not the name. Or any of the lyrics. But, in all other respects, perfect recollection.

 
3. A first entry to the Chart for The Baby, with Heigh Ho

The Baby likes to join in with the dwarfs in Snow White as they head off to work singing Heigh Ho. She only really knows one word in the song, but she makes it work. Despite not being quite sure where exactly they are going, she is game to join in with the going itself. She marches around the coffee table, singing : ‘Go! Go! Go! Go!’ The moments when the dwarfs are also singing ‘go’ are very exciting for her. There is a special dance.

 
2. Not a new entry, but a remix in at Number 2 for The Toddler, with Silent Night
The Toddler has expanded on her early version of Silent Night (‘All is calm/All is calm/All is calm/All is calm’). There are now more lyrics. Not the usual lyrics, granted, but lyrics nonetheless.
‘Silent night
All is calm down
Sleeping Beauty
Sleeping Beauty is come
That’s the end’

Ah, yes, a classic musical rendition of the traditional Nativity story: Sleeping Beauty went to sleep in a manger and nothing else happened.

 
1. Straight in at Number 1, it’s The Toddler feat. Silly Mummy, with My Favourite Things

The Toddler currently likes My Favourite Things. She requires Silly Mummy to sing it at bedtime. However, she likes to interject with a few amendments. Just to make it clear whose things these actually are.

Silly Mummy (singing): ‘Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels…’
The Toddler (yelling): ‘It’s MY apple!’
Silly Mummy (singing): ‘…These are a few of my favourite things…’
The Toddler (yelling): ‘They’re MY things!’