Who knows the drinking game Never Have I Ever? Each person states something they have never ever done, and anyone playing who has done that takes a drink.
Who wants to play parenting Never Have I Ever? Below are twenty never have I ever statements. For each one you have done as a parent, you should take a drink. This is the parenting version, remember, so that drink should be a sip of cold tea. Everyone ready?
1. Never have I ever… Sniffed a bum in public.
2. Never have I ever… Sucked snot from a nose.
3. Never have I ever… Pretended to be a cabbage in Costa coffee because my toddler was putting ‘magic spells’ on me (with a straw).
4. Never have I ever… Cleaned sick off an entire outfit with a baby wipe instead of changing it.
5. Never have I ever… Done the above with my own outfit.
6. Never have I ever… Read every other page of a book on the tenth reading of it that day in order to finish it faster, since they’re not listening anyway (despite demanding it must be read).
7. Never have I ever… Said, ‘You are to come here by the time I count to three. One…two…two and a half…three…Right, I’m going to count to three again. If you don’t come here by THIS count of three, you’ll be going on the naughty step. One…two…two and one sixteenth…two and two sixteenths…’
8. Never have I ever… Called a top and leggings a dress and ‘special tights’ to get a dress-obsessed toddler to wear it.
9. Never have I ever… Pretended to have lost all copies of Cinderella and Peppa Pig, and to have never heard of Topsy and Tim at all.
10. Never have I ever… Hidden the Lego.
11. Never have I ever… Been sent to the naughty step by my toddler.
12. Never have I ever… Answered queries about getting the play doh out with, ‘Que? No hablo ingles.’
13. Never have I ever… Upgraded the status of raisins from ‘dried grapes’ to ‘magical bribes’.
14. Never have I ever… Answered the phone with, ‘Hello? Yes…(No, it’s not Grandad – shh!)…Sorry, could you repeat that…(Shh!)…Sorry, what…(NO YOU CAN’T SPEAK TO GRANDAD! IT’S NOT GRANDAD – IT’S THE OPTICIAN!)’
15. Never have I ever… Sung any song from Mary Poppins in a public place. Whilst marching.
16. Never have I ever… Informed my toddler that he can’t cuddle a pigeon.
17. Never have I ever… Informed a pigeon that it can’t cuddle my toddler.
18. Never have I ever… Occupied my child by giving her a baby wipe/receipt/empty wrapper to play with.
19. Never have I ever… Wondered why I ever bothered to buy any toys, when my child loves her baby wipe/receipt/empty wrapper the most.
20. Never have I ever… Presented my children with a clearly possessed, evil-looking doll that moves during the night, and told them, ‘It’s a fun family Christmas game: please stop screaming.’
Right, everyone managed to drink an entire cup of cold tea? You’re welcome.