From October 2016

Friday Frolics – 28th October 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: A Life Just Ordinary – Slightly Random X Factor Post. I don’t watch the X Factor, and here James reminds me why (but in a really entertaining way)! ‘My aunt’s milkman’s goldfish might not pull through’: it’s all about the back story, and James has hilariously nailed the winning formulas.

Emma’s favourite post: ‘The Secret Life of Baby – Dented Pride. This post had me chuckling because it really reminded me of all the times that the bollards and walls have driven into my car. Why does that always happen?’

 
Most Read Post

Absolutely Prabulous – Oops Files #22

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Toddler Amnesia: The Facts

kids-1728351_1920In a rare move away from my usual light-hearted silliness, today I want to raise awareness of a serious* issue.

Toddler Amnesia is a devastating condition. It affects one in every one toddler, yet very little is understood about this debilitating disorder.

You probably know a sufferer, your own toddler may even be one. However, far too many Toddler Amnesiacs remain undiagnosed, suffering in, well, not silence so much as extreme noisiness.

Awareness of the symptoms of this condition is woefully low. Below are ten of the most common. Please learn how to identify Toddler Amnesia, and share the information. Together we can ensure this illness does not go unrecognised.

 
 
1. Sufferers of Toddler Amnesia are typically unable to retain the word ‘no’. All memory of Mummy having said no to sofa base jumping is immediately erased. Memories of whatever ill-advised bribe Mummy used today to get them to behave in the shops will, however, be retained for days/months/years – essentially until they receive what was promised to them. Doctors are unable to explain this strange discrepancy.

 
2. Toddler amnesiacs find themselves unwittingly asking the same question over and over again. Sometimes up to fifty times in five seconds.

 
3. Toddler Amnesia presents sufferers with particular difficulties surrounding issues of possession and ownership. Affected toddlers will find themselves completely unable to remember that a particular object is not theirs, often leading to repeated snatching incidents. Mysteriously, they are able to remember extremely accurately when objects actually are theirs (interestingly, this also often leads to snatching incidents). A related complication to this particular aspect of the illness is frequent forgetting of what was being played with seconds before, combined with the belief that the item the toddler is now playing with is what they have always been playing with. This issue appears to be exacerbated when any other child begins playing with a toy previously being entirely ignored by the toddler. The toddler will immediately experience a ‘false memory’ that they were, in fact, playing with that toy, in conjunction with complete memory loss over what they were actually playing with. Episodes such as these are nearly always accompanied by additional memory loss surrounding the question of it being wrong to hit other children.

 
4. A particularly concerning aspect of this dreadful illness is seen when the afflicted toddler forgets why they needed help or how they were hurt. The toddler will scream: ‘Mummy! Mummy, HELP! HELP!’ However, upon arriving at the scene, Mummy will find a happily playing toddler, who is completely unable to recall what the emergency was, or indeed to supply any response whatsoever to Mummy’s repeated: ‘What is it? What’s the matter? Why were you screaming?’

 
5. Toddler amnesiacs are unable to remember where they have put anything. They often become convinced – frequently aggressively so – that these memories have in fact been transferred to Mummy, who MUST know where the missing item is.

 
6. Sufferers, rather conveniently, tend to forget their own bad behaviour and transgressions instantly, often whilst they are still committing them. In contrast, and despite the memory damage, any infraction committed by a sibling appears to be inexplicably retained for eternity.

 
7. As a result of this debilitating illness, affected toddlers will often dispute statements made by Mummy, before correcting Mummy with a statement identical to the disputed one: ‘No we didn’t have cheese sandwiches for lunch! We had cheese sandwiches!’

 
8. A very unfortunate side effect of Toddler Amnesia is the inability to recall which foods were loved mere moments before. Sometimes sufferers will even forget that the food now being so angrily rejected was requested by the toddler themselves just five minutes previously. Tragically, sufferers miss out on many of their once favourite foods because they are simply unable to remember that they did like it last week/ yesterday/ two mouthfuls ago. It is simply heartbreaking to hear their screams of: ‘NO! I don’t like it! No! It’s not my favourite! I didn’t ask for it! NOOOOO!’

 
9. Toddler amnesiacs are frequently observed to have an unusual number of cuts and bruises. These result from the inability to recall that performing a somersault into the sideboard actually hurt last time as well.

 
10. Even in sleep there is no rest from this terrible condition. Sufferers become confused, forgetting on a nightly basis what time they go to bed, that they just read that book and, all too often, which bed is theirs.

 
 
These poor, forgetful toddlers are everywhere, their plight disgracefully ignored by society and the medical profession (largely because they’re a bit annoying and everyone tuned them out). They wander, confused, searching for missing toys, refusing food they like and forgetting every instruction they are given. Not even the most hard-hearted among us can fail to be moved by the forlorn sight of an affected toddler obliviously watching the same episode of Peppa Pig for the fifty millionth time.

Doctors hope that, in the future, with advancements in medical science, we will achieve the seemingly impossible, and these toddlers may be able to remember that they were told no. It will take years of dedicated research, but wouldn’t it be amazing if one day just one toddler was able to recall that yesterday he liked pasta? Please, help me to raise awareness of this condition: together we can make that day happen.

 
 
 

*This is not a serious post. If you are inclined to take everything seriously, this might not be for you. If you are terminally gullible, this might not be for you either (do NOT donate to this cause).*

Friday Frolics – 21st October 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

This week I am linking up a parody post relating to the US presidential election – a situation that is certainly a joke, though not a very funny one!

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: The Secret Life of the Baby – What (Not) to Pack. Finally some sensible advice on hospital bags, hilariously provided by a baby who has had to watch in exasperation the chaos caused by her parents inept hospital preparations.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘And Another 10 Things – Mother Knows Best: 10 Kick Ass Disney Mums. This post really made me laugh. Especially the bit about Andy’s mum from Toy Story. Coming from a Mum who has turned the house upside down on several occasions looking for that hat!’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Four Princesses and the Cheese – Peppa Pig Misses Her Chance at Freedom From the Ding-Dongs. I have had to endure Peppa Pig for roughly 6 years now. Normally, I am entirely on the side of Mummy Pig and think she is saint. However, this post has made me realise the error of my ways. Mummy Pig is clearly up to her eyeballs on drugs, and Daddy Pig is just, well, a PIG! I now see that George and Peppa are the ones holding this family together. They need to flee, the need to save themselves before they become bacon!’

 
Most Read Post

Babies, Biscuits & Booze – A Rude Awakening

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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The Pig in the Wig (a Trump Parody)

donald-j-trump-1342298_1280Inspired by Donald Trump’s Dr Seuss-esque ‘I have a good plan, a plan that is good, oh so good, you will like this good plan…’ (*this may not be an exact quote), I present my Trump parody, in the style of The Cat in the Hat.

 
 
 
The Pig in the Wig

November was coming.
The election not far away.
So we watched the debate
On that cold, cold, wet day.

All we could do was to
Watch
Watch
Watch
Watch
And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.

And then
Something went SNIFFLE!
How that sniffle made us bristle!

We looked!
Then we saw him step in, puffed up big!
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Pig in the Wig!
And he said to us,
‘I am the man for this gig!’

‘I know America’s not great,
Not from where I am stood,
But I have
A good plan that is good!’

‘I have a good plan we could try,’
Said the pig.
‘I know a good plan,’
Said the Pig in the Wig.
‘A really good plan.
I will show it to you.
America
Will be great again if I do.’

But Hillary Clinton said, ‘No! No!’
Make that pig go away!
Tell that Pig in the Wig
You feel only dismay.
He should not be President.
He should not be about.
He should not be President
That bigoted old lout!’

‘Sniff! Sniff! Have no fear.
Have no fear!’ said the pig.
‘My views are not bad,’
Said the Pig in the Wig.
‘Why, we can have
Lots of fun, Madam Secretary,
With a game that I call
Lie-lie-lie to the unwary!’

‘Let me speak!’ said Hillary.
‘This is absolute bullshit!
Let me speak!’ said Hillary.
‘I fear you have lost it!’

‘Have no fear!’ said the pig.
‘This is no bullshit.
I’m telling you now:
Everyone knows it!
My IQ is the highest!
My hands are so big!
But that is not ALL I can claim!’
Said the pig…

‘Look at me!
Look at me now!’ said the pig.
‘I am rich, I’m the richest!
I’m a self proclaimed bigwig!
I can stalk Hillary across the stage!
I can incite assassination!
I can demand the President’s birth certificate!
And oppose immigration!
And look!
I’m a loose cannon ball!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all…

Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have white male privilege
But you have to know how.
I can advocate eugenics.
And be horribly racist!
I can insult all of Mexico!
And be quite the misogynist!
I can abuse Rosie O’Donnell
And Megyn Kelly!
And look! With my conspiracies
I can accuse Hillary!
I can grope any woman
As I build a big wall!
But that is not all.
Oh, no.
That is not all…’

That is what the Pig said…
Then someone fact checked!
He seems rather corrupt.
He has no concept of consent.
And we started to think,
This man CAN’T be President!

‘Now look what you said!’
Said Mrs Clinton to the pig.
‘Now look at this footage!
Look at this! Look, you pig!
You’re friendly with Putin,
You’ve been accused of rape.
You advocated sexual assault
And were recorded on tape.
You SHOULD NOT be President.
This is our plea:
You get out of this race!
Even Republicans agree.’

‘But I like to be here.
Oh, I like it a lot!’
Said the Pig in the Wig,
Looking alarmingly apricot.
‘I will NOT go away.
I do NOT wish to go!
And so,’ said the Pig in the Wig,
‘So
So
So…
I will show you
Another good game that I know!’

And then he ran out.
And then, in the strangest of manoeuvres,
The Pig in the Wig
Came back with a bizarre panel of accusers.

Then he stood up front
With a tip of his wig.
‘I call this game BILL-DID-IT-TOO,’
Said the pig.
‘This panel is here to prove
(And you may call it irrelevant piffle)
That Bill Clinton did something bad too,’
Said the pig, with a sniffle.

‘Oh dear!’ said the rest of the world.
‘Trump is a dangerous narcissist, we proclaim…
Oh dear.
He has no shame!
He has no shame!
He has no shame!’

Then the pollsters came in
And asked, ‘Is it true?
Will you vote for this man?
Tell us. What will you do?’

To the responses received we don’t know
What to say.
How can you justify
The bigotry on display?

Should this man be elected?
What SHOULD they do?
Well…
What would YOU do
If your conscience asked you?

 
 

(*The Serious Bit

Don’t let my terrible rhymes be in vain. If you live in America, please don’t let Trump be elected. Please don’t assume that he can be controlled by Congress or advisers. (Remember both Mussolini and Hitler came to power legitimately through the system, and could not be controlled.) This man is dangerous, not just to America, but to the whole world. He is not qualified. He is not capable. He is not reasonable. Please vote for Hillary. Please do not abstain, or vote for a third party candidate, because you believe tactical voting for a candidate you do not particularly like is unprincipled. There is a place for idealism, but idealism is easy: sometimes it is a cop out. We live in the real world, and often the most principled thing you can do is the thing that will actually have an impact in this real world we live in, even if it is not your ideal option. Besides, this is not a choice between two candidates you do not like, not this time. You may not like either of them, but it is still a choice between a rational, intelligent, experienced politician; and an erratic, delusional, unqualified narcissist. That is not a difficult choice. You would not believe someone with no medical experience or qualifications should be Chief of Staff in a hospital, why would you support someone with no relevant experience or qualifications to run a country?

And for all of us not living in America, we can’t do anything about the outcome of this election. However, the attitudes Donald Trump represents are not confined to the US. As usual, the US may be doing it bigger, but people like Trump, far right movements, they are rising in Britain and across Europe. People are supporting them in Britain and across Europe. It needs to stop.*)

Friday Frolics – 14th October 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

This week I am linking up an old post: The Toddler’s trick or treat antics from last year in honour of Halloween approaching.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Twicemicrowaved Tea – Holiday No.2: The one with the elephant and the binge drinking. Tractors, puking, ridiculous cots – the horrors, sorry, joys of holidaying with a toddler hilariously described. Not even an elephant can help.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Daily Dump – Old Age and Fat Pants. From now on I will look at the fact that I can sneeze and pee at the same time as a talent.’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Turning Up in Devon – 28. Village Survival, It’s Nit Always Good News! This post shouldn’t have been funny as it was full of affairs and nits. The latte left me convinced that I actually had nits and as result I had Mr C check me and the kids. You will be relieved to know that we are clear (for now). But what is it with nits? As soon as you see the word you start to itch. Jane can even bring humour to a post riddled with nits and heartache. I am desperate to read the next instalment!’

 
Most Read Post

Mumzilla – How Motherhood Taught Me to Give Zero F**ks

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Friday Frolics – 7th October 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

The big news of the last day and a half for me is: I have a computer. I repeat I have a computer. It works and everything. I even wrote a post. This week, due to not having to do it on my phone, I will be able to see more than 1/10th of the linky at a time. It’s all very exciting.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Absolutely Prabulous – What Really Happened at the MAD Blog Awards 2016. Prabs hit the UK in her own inimitable style, and here is the hilarious account. Passport issues, visible bras, removal from public transport against her will, and inadvertant pranking of the knock on a door and hide behind a bush kind – it’s all there!

Claire’s favourite post: Twicemicrowaved Tea – Bake Off? I Can Do That! I always feel a sense of solidarity when someone has a Pinterest fail. Karen’s final cake looked awesome, but it took some blood, sweat and tears!’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘You the Daddy – Paternity Leave: A Mr Men Guide for New Dads. This Mr Men guide is inspired. A must read for all new dads. In fact the NHS needs to be giving this out with those Bounty packs in the hospital. I might not have a newborn but I could do with a Mr Maid to help me out!’

 
Most Read Post

Mummy Muckups – Mummy Bloggers Over?

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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French for Beginners: Toddler Edition

eiffel-tower-1064991_1280Remember the French textbooks from school? The ones filled with all the useful phrases? Where is the bank? Is there a swimming pool near here? Useful as long as you planned to spend your time in France searching for a bank to fund your swimming habits.

Well, it has occurred to me that what I didn’t learn in five years of French were any of the vital phrases one would need to travel in France with a toddler. How would one cope? Find the bank? As if parents have any money. Go swimming? With a toddler? Do we have to?

So, for all those other toddler parents out there worried about these glaring gaps in their French knowledge, here is my exclusive, never-to-be-published, textbook: French for Beginners With Additions for Owners of Toddlers.

 
 
 
1. ABOUT ME

 
Standard Version

 
I am called…

Je m’appelle…

 
I have brown hair.

J’ai les chevaux brun.

 
I have one sister.

J’ai une soeur.

 
I like cats.

J’aime les chats.

 
I hate parsnips.

Je deteste panais.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
I am called MUUUUMMMMYY!

Je m’appelle MAAAAMMMAAANN!

 
I am younger than I look.

Je suis plus jeune que je regarde.

 
I like sleep.

J’aime dormir.

 
I hate Peppa Pig.

Je deteste Peppa Pig.

 
I have two toddlers. Help.

J’ai deux bambins. Aidez-moi.

 
 
 
2. CLOTHING

 
Standard Version

 
I am wearing a jumper and a skirt.

Je porte un pull et une jupe.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
My toddler is wearing a tutu, a dressing gown, Wellington boots and a Batman cape.

Mon bambin est vetu d’un tutu, une robe de chambre, bottes et une cape de Batman.

 
 
 
3. COMMUNICATING

 
Standard Version

 
Do you speak English?

Parlez-vous Anglais?

 
I don’t know.

Je ne sais pas.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
Do you speak Teletubby?

Parlez-vous Teletubby?

 
I don’t bloody know.

Je ne bloody sais pas.

 
 
 
4. NUMBERS

 
Standard Version

 
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix.

 
 
Toddler version

 
One, two, three, four, five, six, se…why won’t you say seven? What’s wrong with seven?

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, se…pourquoi ne vous dire sept? Ce qui ne vas pas avec sept?

 
 
 
5. COLOURS

 
Standard Version

 
The cat is black.

Le chat est noir.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
The cat is…green! My god, why is the cat green?

Le chat est…vert! Mon dieu, pourquoi le chat est-il vert?

 
 
 
6. STAYING IN THE HOTEL

 
Standard Version

 
I would like a room with a big bed.

Je voudrais une chambre avec un grand lit.

 
Is breakfast included?

Le petit dejeuner est-il inclus?

 
 
Toddler Version

 
I would like a room with a big bed. For the toddler to sprawl across. And a travel cot for me.

Je voudrais une chamber avec un grand lit. Pour le bambin a l’etalement sur. Et un lit voyage pour moi.

 
Is jam included?

Est confiture inclus?

 
 
 
7. GETTING AROUND

 
Standard Version

 
Where is the bank?

Ou est la banque?

 
Have you seen a bank near here?

Avez-vous vu une banque pres d’ici?

 
I seem to be lost.

Je semble etre perdu.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
Where is the toddler?

Ou est le bambin?

 
Have you seen a toddler near here?

Avez-vous vu un bambin pres d’ici?

 
I seem to have lost a toddler.

Je semble avoir perdu un bambin.

 
Where is the bank? I need to buy a toddler. Came with one, leaving with one.

Ou est la banque? Je besoin d’acheter un bambin. Est venu avec un, laissant un.

 
 
 
8. EMERGENCIES

 
Standard Version

 
I need to see a doctor.

J’ai besoin de voir un medecin.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
I need to see a doctor who specialises in lego extraction.

J’ai besoin de voir un medecin qui se specialise dans l’extraction de lego.

 
 
 

(Apologies to all fluent French speakers for the French, which is almost certainly only vaguely French. Blame my school – they only taught me how to find the bloody bank on my way to the swimming pool.)