From February 2017

An Entirely Fake History of Russia

Now, many of you are probably aware that, as a result of another serious President Trump opening his mouth incident, Russia has recently been downgraded from a country we were all under the impression actually exists to ‘fake news’. In ackowledgement of this change of status, I have compiled an entirely fake history of the fake country of Russia, to assist people in the task of not getting their facts straight.

So, here it is, the abridged version of…

 
 
An Entirely Fake History of Fake Russia

 
Background

Following the principle of ‘go big or go home’, those who invented the fake country of Russia, invented it as the largest country in the world. Some people suggested it might be a literal waste of space to allocate six and a half million square miles of land to a fake country, but by that time they’d already committed. Now, of course, if you are going to make a six and a half million square mile fake country, you’re going to need some fake people. 140 million fake people, in fact. Some of them are quite realistic. One managed to buy Chelsea Football Club. Russia has eleven time zones. In the circumstances, this would appear rather greedy and unnecessary. A number of countries claim to share land borders with Russia, but they don’t fool us – we know Russia doesn’t exist.

 
Tsardom of Russia*

The Tsardom of Russia began in the 16th century. The first Tsar was Ivan. He was terrible**. Terrible Tsar. The worst Tsar.

Russia became an empire and world power under Peter. Great man***. The Best.

Catherine ruled in the 18th century. Some people called her ‘Great’, but that was a lie spread by the fake news media. Crooked Catherine was a nasty woman.

By the eighteenth century, the Russian Empire was the third largest empire in history, and the largest if only imaginary empires were counted.

Russia fought against Napoleon in the Napoleonic Wars, but this was of limited value compared to the non-fake countries who participated in his defeat. Most notably Abba, who of course defeated Napoleon at Waterloo. Nonetheless, Napoleon’s attempt to invade Russia was disastrous. Historians disagree as to whether this was a result of the difficulties posed by the freezing Russian winter, or the difficulties inherent in invading a fake country (cold or otherwise). Despite being fake, Russia surprisingly sent a delegation to the Congress of Vienna following the Napoleonic Wars.

In the mid-nineteenth century, Russia faced an embarrassing defeat in the Crimean War, when everyone remembered Russia was fake and simply went home.

 
First World War

In 1914, Russia joined the First World War, but was isolated from its Triple Entente allies (they couldn’t see it because it didn’t exist). The fake people of this fake country became increasingly disgruntled with their fake lot, and mistrustful of their fake Tsar. So he was overthrown and eventually executed, along with his family. This may have been fake. In particular, the death of Anastasia Romanov was believed by many to be fake. Fake bodies can vanish so easily, it’s an occupational hazard of not being real.

 
Russian Revolution

You may believe you studied the Russian Revolution in school but, of course, you didn’t. It was fake. Lenin, the Bolsheviks, the October Revolution, Stalin, Trotsky…all fake news. I mean, come on: a bunch of farm animals took control of a farm in the name of equality but, following some in-fighting between two stupidly named pigs, created their own inequalities? That didn’t seem fake to you?**** Despite the fakeness of the Russian Revolution and Russia itself, Leninism is, of course, not fake (am I right, Steve?). (Though any suggestions of anyone currently pursuing Leninist aims, even if they made the suggestion themselves, is fake news.)

 
Second World War

During the Second World War, Hitler made the same mistake as Napoleon. Namely, attempting to invade a fake country. A cold fake country. It is hard to fight a war on two fronts, particularly when one front is a figment of your imagination.

 
The Cold War Era

Russia was the dominant force of the USSR, which eventually disbanded in 1991 when Gorbachev realised he was fake. Many of the ex-Soviet states have struggled to come to terms with the humiliation of having been run by a fake country for decades without noticing. Some people believe the ex-Soviet states are fake too. Mostly people in the White House who can’t pronounce the names of the ex-Soviet states.

The Cold War was a period of tension between the Eastern and Western Blocs (and particularly the USSR and the USA) following the Second World War. It was called a ‘cold’ war due to the lack of direct fighting (which it is now believed may possibly have been a result of the dubious existence of Russia). It has recently come to light that the Cold War was completely fake, with the USA confirming that it is friends with Russia and has always been friends with Russia. Any suggestion to the contrary is fake news. As, in fact, is Russia. (Just to be very clear – wouldn’t want any misreporting – when it comes to the New START Treaty, the USA is not friends with Russia, though Russia is still fake news, and the USA suspects that the New START Treaty is itself also fake news.)

In the 1960s, Russia was the first country to fake the sending of a man into space (and a woman), though the United States ultimately won the race to fake put a man on the moon.

 
Russia Post-1991

Following the breakdown of the USSR, Russia became the Russian Federation. People started to suspect this was fake when it took over from the New Republic in Star Wars.

Russia’s energy resources are the largest in the world. You know all that concern about non-renewable energy and fossil fuels running out? This is the reason for it. It was something of a blow to energy sustainability when it was realised that the largest supply of natural energy reserves exists in a fake country.

Russia possesses the largest stockpile of WMDs in the world. This is confusing, so listen closely. Iraq’s alleged WMDs were fake, Iraq is not. Russia’s WMDs are real, but Russia isn’t. Got it? No? Well then it is probably a little bit harsh expecting the President of the USA to understand Russia, isn’t it?

Russia is a permanent, though obviously fake, member of the UN Security Council, which is itself likely to be declared fake news any day now.

In 2014, the Crimean Peninsula of Ukraine held a referendum on accession to the Russian Federation. Despite deciding they would like to be annexed by a fake country, this was still a less stupid referendum result than Brexit. The annexation of Crimea by a made up country was a significant embarrassment to Ukraine and has not been accepted by the international community, which does not recognise land claims by imaginary countries.

Russian President-Prime Minister-President-Prime Minister-President Putin is definitely fake. He was created by JK Rowling. Don’t worry, Harry Potter is dealing with it.

 
 
 

*Featuring additional (fake) input from President Trump
**Literally: he was Ivan the Terrible
***Yes, Peter the Great
****Yes, that’s Animal Farm

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that everything I have said is complete bullshit. I am therefore officially more self-aware than the President of the USA when it comes to talking nonsense about Russia.

I Will Survive Brexit (a Parody)

It’s parody time. This time I Will Survive, which I have re-imagined being performed by various people and groups in response to Brexit.

I give you…

 
 
I Will Survive Brexit

 
(Nigel Farage)

At first I was afraid I was petrified,
Kept thinking I would be ignored if we actually left.
But then I spent so many nights just watching CNN,
And I saw Trump and now I’m back again.

Oh, I just lie!
I will survive.
The President thinks I run the British Isles.
I’ve got all my wealth to hold.
This elevator’s made of gold.
And I’ll survive,
I will survive.

 
(Boris Johnson)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
Kept thinking the economy could never live without the EU on our side.
But then I spent so many nights just thinking I could be PM,
And I joined Leave, and I started spewing phlegm.

And so that backfired.
I just walked in to find against me Gove had conspired.
I should have thought this through.
I should have learnt diplomacy,
If I’d have known for just one second I’d be Foreign Secretary.

 
(The Rest of the EU)

And your leader is someone new.
The EU Summit is not acknowledging that shrew.
And now she’s standing all alone,
Her welcome’s wearing rather thin.
And now we’re saving all our air kisses
For someone who’s staying in.

Go on May, go. Walk out the door.
Just turn around now ’cause you’re not welcome anymore.
Weren’t you the one who tried to break Europe with goodbye?
Did you think we’d crumble?
Did you think we’d negotiate, well, why?

Why should we try?
We will survive.
As long as we’ve got the Single Market, we know we’ll stay alive.
We know that it’s enhancive.
We’ve got all our trade to give.
And we’ll survive,
We will survive.

 
(Leave Supporters)

And so we felt like taking back our sovereignty.
It’s our favourite word after democracy.
We should have learnt what these words mean.
We can’t name one EU law.
We just wanted an excuse to kick immigrants out the door.

Now we must go. Walk out the door.
It’s what the people want, so we’re not listening anymore.
Weren’t you the ones who tried to hurt us with some facts?
Did you think we’d stop being lunatics?
Did you think we’d stop behaving like such dicks?

No, we don’t care!
We will survive.
As long as Farage lies to us we know that we will thrive.
We live a life of fantasies.
Spewing stupid fallacies.
And we’ll tell lies.
We will tell lies.

It took all the strength we had not to check our facts.
Kept trying hard to ignore all the evidence that detracts.
And we spent all our facebook time just claiming we are not racists.
We used to hide, now we wear bigotry with pride.

 
(Remain Supporters)

Do you see them? Our government?
We’re starting to believe that they’re incompetent.
And they’re making it all worse.
They haven’t got a clue.
Have these imbeciles even heard of the EU?

Go on now go. Walk out the door.
Just don’t make us join you, we want to stay in some more.
Weren’t you the ones who believed that bus’ lies?
Come on now, really,
Are you expecting a pig that flies?

Oh no, not us!
Don’t make us leave.
Oh from this stupidity please grant us a reprieve.
The economy will slump.
Please don’t befriend Trump.
Don’t make us leave.
We don’t want to leave.

 
 
 
 

My Random Musings

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

The Toddlers’ Alternative Facts

Having previously supported Brexit (twice), it is with alarm that I note The Toddlers are now cheerfully embracing the Trump regime’s ‘alternative facts’.

 
 
In no particular order, I present The Toddlers’ Top Ten Alternative Facts of the week:

 
1. This is not dinner, it is ‘alternative lunch’

In which The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby refused to have dinner. That is, she was happy to eat the food, but only if we would concede that she was eating lunch, despite it being 6pm, and lunch already having been eaten that day.

 
2. This is not naughty, this is ‘alternative good’

In which The Toddlers promised to behave for a brief trip to the supermarket, wreaked havoc, ran away, The Artist Formerly Known as Standing Up became The Artist Now Known as on Her Back in the Middle of the Aisle, and they subsequently adamantly claimed that they had indeed behaved.

 
3. This is not cheese, this is Babybel

In which The Artist Always Known as The Toddler claimed she does not like cheese (anymore) but likes Babybel.

 
4. I did not want this

In which the Artist Always Known as The Toddler pulled off a double and refused to eat the previously requested Babybel, claiming never to have wanted it.

 
5. This is not Ring a Ring o Roses, this is ‘Alternative The Hokey Cokey’

In which The Artist Always Known as The Toddler became enraged at Mummy singing The Hokey Cokey wrong by missing out many lyrics that have always been there before. Namely: ‘A-tishoo! A-tishoo! We all fall down.’ These lyrics have emphatically never been part of Ring a Ring o Roses, which is not a different song.

 
6. This is not an entire box of tissues on the floor

In which The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby, standing in a tissuey pile of evidence to the contrary, maintained that she had followed instructions to take just ONE tissue.

 
7. This is not a meerkat, it is an ‘alternative tiger’

In which the previously cool reputation of tigers took something of a battering at the hands of The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby, who was looking at a pack of meerkats that were definitely tigers.

 
8. This is not hers, it is ‘alternative mine’

The favoured alternative fact of both toddlers, at all times. Quickly followed by…

 
9. It was not a push, it was an ‘alternative hug’

The Artist Always Known as The Toddler’s ‘alternative hugs’ tend to be followed by The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby’s ‘alternative haircuts’ (ie, pulling out a handful of hair).

 
10. This is not disobedience, this is ‘alternative doing exactly what you asked, Mummy’

In which The Toddlers helpfully assisted in a number of activities by doing exactly as they were asked…in a manner that in no way resembled what they were asked to do.