From March 2017

Friday Frolics – 31st March 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last week.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: You Have to Laugh – Open Letters Now More Popular Than Actual Letters. A possibly slightly controversial choice from me this week, and I do apologise to all open letter fans but, nonetheless, this did really make me giggle.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Shinners and The Brood – Things That Make You Go Ewww. This post made me giggle. I have crossed every single one of these of the list. Do I get a prize? I feel like I should get a prize. I deserve a prize!’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Pass the Wine Please – Assembling Your Parent Posse – 6 Key Questions. From now on I will not waste time with the small talk! No! From now on I will just hand this genius questionnaire out. I am strictly a C type of gal! Now hand me that box of wine and don’t forget the straw ;-)’

 
Most Read Post

You Have to Laugh – Open Letters Now More Popular Than Actual Letters

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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What If We Taught Our Children to Behave Like Brexit?

According to the Brexit brigade, Theresa May has this week done a ‘good’ thing for our country. The ‘right’ thing. This is the right thing to do. So I thought, that being correct, it would be okay to teach your kids to behave like the Brexiteers, right? You know, because they’re not doing anything wrong, are they? It’s the right thing for the country, so it must be the right way to raise the younger generation.

With that in mind, I have considered ten lessons we should be teaching our children if we want to raise them according to the lessons of Brexit.

 
 
1. Mistakes

If you make a mistake, whatever you do, don’t admit it was a mistake and fix it. Just plough on with the mistake. After all, once you do something stupid, you have no choice but to commit to the stupid, right?

 
2. Intolerance

Racism and xenophobia are bad…but, when confronted with racists, the thing to do is bend over backwards trying to mollify them and give them exactly what they want. In fact, it is a great idea to start spouting racism yourself. You know, so they’ll like you.

 
3. Bullies and Principles

Don’t stand up to bullies. Don’t stand up for what you believe in. Don’t stand up for vulnerable people. Don’t stand up for anything. Standing up for things is ‘whiny’.

 
4. Experts

Never listen to experts. We’re sick of experts.

 
5. Information

In fact, we are sick of education, information and facts. Be ignorant and proud of it.

 
6. Language

Use words that you like regardless of whether or not you understand them. Like ‘sovereignty’.

 
7. Friends

It’s usually a good idea to impulsively fall out with all of your friends. Tell them you hate them and you’re leaving. Never ever reflect on this at a later point. Instead, find the school maniac (he’ll be the one torturing local cats), and hold his hand.

 
8. Telling the Truth

Lie.

 
9. Sharing

Don’t share. Never share. Sharing is bad. There is NOT enough for everyone. Everything should be yours. You are more important than anyone else.

 
10. Self Preservation

Shoot yourself in the foot. Maintain that you have done the right thing, even whilst hopping in circles.

 
 
I’m sure they’ll turn out great. What could go wrong?

Friday Frolics – 24th March 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last week.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Shallow Reflections – Trump leprechaun ban results in unexpected consequences. Now Trump’s travel ban is really out of control: children being forced into leprechaunism, and pots of gold residing at the end of a wall because rainbows were encouraging immigration.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Tales From Mamaville with her fabulous parody: These Are A Few Of My Least Favourite Things.’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Apply to face – Boom Lemon Meringue Pie. I love her recipes and the stories that go with them are hilarious. I think of ‘Apply to face’ as a much younger and slightly ruder Mary Berry. Love balls anyone? ‘

 
Most Read Post

Mum & Mor: The Parenting Pissing Contest

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Toddler Proverbs Part Two

Toddlers, as we all know, are very wise. As such, I present further well-known toddler proverbs.

 
 
1. Fortune favours the bold enough to throw a tantrum in public

 
2. Hope for the best, but prepare for the screaming

 
3. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer…and bite them both

 
4. Practice makes a perfect mess

 
5. Don’t bite the hand…that is all – don’t bite

 
6. If you can’t beat ’em, throw things at ’em

 
7. A penny saved is a penny swallowed

 
8. You can’t lead a cat to water…stop trying to lead the cat

 
9. If the blind lead the blind, both shall fall…so both of you open your eyes and get down from the table

 
10. All good things must come to an end…even chocolate buttons

Friday Frolics – 17th March 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last week.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Mummy Muckups – Timely Time Out. Anna has come up with the most genius strategy ever – don’t put the kids on time out. Get annoyed with them and then put yourself on time out to repent. Don’t forget to take your phone with you. Maybe some chocolate. A drink perhaps. Why had I never thought of this before??

Claire’s favourite post: ‘There were some great posts linked up last week, and several that made me very thankful for our NHS. But I have to give a shout out this week to my brilliant co-hosts as their posts really did make me giggle; 16 Reasons Why I’m a Bad Feminist and Random Things I’ve Seen.’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘One Dad 2 Sons – The Day I Realised I Had Developed the “Dad Bod”. This made me laugh and I loved the short Dad bod film. I could really relate to this post, I miss the days when I could down several pints of lager and eat all of the pies without worrying about my weight!’

 
Most Read Post

No most read this week, as several posts tied for the position!

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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A Public Service Guide to Household Appliance Espionage

Now, I know many of you are deeply concerned by the revelation* that our microwaves are spying on us. The machines are rising up. Big Blender is watching you.

As you all know, I am nothing if not helpful, and I love a good public service guide. So, here’s my guide to your household appliances and their espionage links. Be informed. Know what you can trust.

 
 
The Risks

 
1. Microwaves

Microwaves, of course, cannot be trusted. Assuming that you know absolutely nothing about how microwaves work, lack all common sense, and have some form of paranoid delusional disorder, you will be aware that microwaves can sometimes turn into cameras and spy on you. Of course, there are some tips you can use to reduce the risks. Always microwave your food on under 50% power. The power setting is also the camera focus. When it’s cooking on 30% power, all pictures are blurry. No intelligence agency in the world can do anything with blurry footage of you singing I’m Too Sexy into a wooden spoon, while your soup cooks (slowly, because 30% power).

 
2. Vacuum Cleaners

Do you even need to ask. They literally have access to every corner of your life: as if there was ever any doubt that they are spies. Vacuum cleaners are particularly dangerous. They turn into teleporters. They collect your DNA from around your house and teleport it to Secret Service agents who, using cutting edge technology, are then able to ascertain that you are in fact living in your own house. Though, of course, that information will be classified.

 
3. Fryers

The fryer is a double agent. It really works for the treadmill.

 
4. Televisions

This one is very technical, so try to keep up. You know the little person who lives in your TV and writes the subtitles? Right, well, he or she also transcribes everything you say and sends it to shadowy persons unknown. Of course, if you’ve ever watched subtitles, this probably won’t concern you too much. Shadowy persons unknown will be receiving words only vaguely resembling actual words spoken, and only approximately a third of every sentence at that. Good luck with that, shadowy persons unknown (maybe look into anyone with an apparent interest in building bums).

 
5. Fridges

Just playing with you. You can trust your fridge.

 
6. Alarm Clocks

The alarm clock specialises in mind control and subversive techniques. Think about it. Did you want to get up? No. You just find yourself mindlessly obeying. Meanwhile, the snooze function literally creates sleeper agents.

 
7. Toasters

Don’t worry, your toaster isn’t spying on you. It’s just trying to kill you. Sleep well.

 
8. Showers

Well, really, I think if you need to be told never to get naked in front of any of your appliances, you are beyond help.

 
9. Hairdryers

Don’t be so paranoid. The hairdryer just wants you to look your best. You know, because there’s always someone watching.

 
10. Dishwashers

The dishwasher is the big spy boss. The M of the household appliance espionage operation. Be careful around it. Try developing a secret code or sign language if you need to communicate in the presence of the dishwasher (though make sure you are not in view of the microwave, obviously). Every so often, approach the dishwasher and whisper, ‘I’m on to you.’ Just to psyche it out.

 
 
What Next?

So, now we’ve identified the threats, what should you do? First of all, don’t panic. Survival is all about remaining calm under pressure. You will never make it in the cut-throat world of household espionage and intrigue if you fall apart at the first sign of being interrogated by the kettle.

Be safe and prepared. Wear a colander on your head at all times.

Have a strong disguise. Camoflage is key. Dress yourself as the curtains, or a banana, and your appliances will never realise you are actually in the house.

Don’t be surprised if you begin to receive secret communications from the radiators. There is an underground resistance. If you need to escape fast, speak to the dishes and the spoons: they can help you.

Know your rights. The hoovers have gone rogue, but most appliances do still recognise the Geneva Conventions. In the event of a breach of human rights, your electric whisk will represent you before the Tribunal, which will be presided over by the toasted sandwich maker.

As you sit dressed in your curtains and colander, eyeing your toaster suspiciously, muttering veiled threats in the direction of your dishwasher, taking legal advice from the whisk, and silently plotting your escape with the dish and spoon, whilst communicating only through blinks, you may begin to suspect you have actually gone mad. This is what they want you to think. Stay strong.

 
 
****AND FINALLY, REMEMBER: Careless talk…is of absolutely no interest to your microwave because it’s a f*?!*ing microwave.****

 
 

(*For ‘revelation’, read ‘bat shit crazy piece of nonsense from Kellyanne Conway’)

Friday Frolics – 10th March 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last week. This week, I am linking up with an old post because, well, I haven’t written a new one.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Turning Up in Devon – Be a Lover not a Haytor! Hillie conquers Haytor and discovers a new type of sedimentary rock in her latte, as you do. No, really you do in the depths of Devon.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Sparkles & Stretchmarks – The Toddler Oscars. If you didn’t laugh you would cry, but this post really did make me laugh. Sorry Hayley.’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Daily Dump Show – Kids Are Expensive. I should have read this post before I had children. I wonder if I can send my two back and get a refund 😉 A funny post that I could relate to!’

 
Most Read Post

No most read this week, as seven posts tied for the position!

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Friday Frolics – 3rd March 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last week.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Admissions of a Working Mother – Happy F**k It Fri-ayyy. This made me smile. A toddler who has already grasped the concept of that Friday feeling? Quick learner!

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Daily Dump – Borderline Insane Things Moms do Without Even Knowing. I think I need to be certified. I’m guilty of so many of these.’

 
Most Read Post

Are We There Yet? – The Problem With Pee Gate

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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How Do You Solve a Problem Like Donald?

I think I have the solution. I know how to fix this. The Trump administration has given us alternative facts and fake news (which they claim is everywhere). I think this is the way out. Fake news – let’s use it, people.

 
First step: announce that the election was fake news. Never happened. Just put Barack back in the Oval Office: ‘Don, what are you doing in my office, bro?’

 
Second step: follow this script. Do not deviate.

Election hasn’t happened yet. Don’t you remember: it was postponed due to the Bowling Green Massacre?

Of course it didn’t happen. I mean, if you were elected, the inauguration crowds would have been the biggest ever seen, right, Don? Look at the pictures. No one was there. Because it didn’t happen.

Remember when you met the British leader? Nigel something or other? Yeah, that guy’s not the British Prime Minister. No one knows who that guy is, but we think a village somewhere is sans idiot. See? Make believe. A pretend President meeting a pretend Prime Minister. It was probably a dream.

But you’re living in the White House? Are you though? Really? Dude, where’s your wife? If you live here, where’s your wife?

You still think you’re the President? If you were the President, you wouldn’t be profiting from businesses that are a direct conflict of interest, would you? And we’d have seen your tax returns, right? Every President produces his tax returns. Dude, where’s your tax return? It just doesn’t seem very likely you’re the President, does it?

You want more evidence? Presidents have a State Department, don’t they? You know, one with staff in it. I think you know where this is going, Donald…Dude, where’s your State Department?

Presidents also attend intelligence briefings. Have you attended an intelligence briefing, Donald? No, you haven’t. Because you’re not the President.

If you were already the President, you wouldn’t have been election campaigning, would you? That would be a really strange thing to do if there had just been an election and you were supposed to be busy running the country, wouldn’t it? Have you been election campaigning recently, Donald?

Can you tie your tie, Donald? You’re not the President, are you, Donald? I know, it’s very confusing. Yes, you did sign things. But do you know what they were, Donald? Don’t you think a President would have known what they were? And the crayon, Donald? Did you think it was at all strange that you were signing Executive Orders with a crayon? And Sean Spicer? You can’t possibly have thought he was real? Could you not tell that was Melissa McCarthy in a wig?

On the plus side, Don, as none of this happened, at least you haven’t committed treason. Silver clouds, right? (Or golden showers, if you’d prefer.)

That’s right, Donald, just step this way. Just this door over here. Yes, I’m sure you will win the real election when it finally happens. A tremendous win, yes. Yes, you were the best fake President. No one fake presidents better than you. Really. Alec Baldwin gave fake presidenting a go, but he lost. Bigly. Sad. Now, here’s the door. Let’s just put your coat on, and you can get back to the election campaign. Yes, it is a funny looking coat. Very complicated, yes. Yes, the sleeves are supposed to wrap round like that…

 
 
I really think this would work. Fake news. All fake. I mean, that’s more believable than that the past month actually happened, right? We can do this. It. Never. Happened. Just channel Kellyanne Conway, and brazen it out. Hell, Kellyanne Conway will probably jump onboard and confirm the election was fake – I think she’s physically incapable of walking past a lie without repeating it.