From April 2017

Friday Frolics – 28th April 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last time.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Our Rach – 10 Irritants. I love Rach’s run down of the many irritating things out there, ruining our days. I even learnt about some clearly very annoying things that I didn’t even know were going on! People are treating us all to the contents of their iphone notes?? The joy!

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Pass the Wine Please – Doing The Mum Maths. Maths was never my strong point. But when it comes to mum maths I am failing!’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Real Mum Review – Sleep When Baby Sleeps. Is a stupid thing to say YES! This used to drive me insane. I never slept when baby slept and I think that as soon as baby arrives you will probably never sleep again because you will be too busy worrying about important things. Like Real Mum Review I find myself worrying about how much more Toadie can take.’

 
Most Read Post

Bards for Babes – Try Not to Put Your Hand in Your Own Pooh

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Brexit Fortunes (A Game Show Parody)

Hello and welcome to our Brexit and Election Special episode of Family Fortunes (Family Feud for our American audience). The game in which two families compete to provide answers to questions about Brexit and the upcoming election. All of the questions have been put to members of the public, Parliament, the Cabinet or Theresa May before the show. Our contestants are looking to get the top answer, the one given by most of our surveyed group. If contestants give an answer which none of our surveyed group provided, they will hear ‘Eh-uhh’. Ready? Then let’s begin.

 
 
Round One

We asked the Cabinet to name ten things needed for Brexit to not be a complete disaster. You said, ‘Expert guidance and opinions.’ Our Cabinet said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ Next, you said, ‘Good trade deals.’ Surely this must be a high answer. Let’s see. No! Our Cabinet said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ Finally, you said, ‘A can do attitude and no f**king clue what’s going on.’ This is your last chance, you need a good score. Yes! It’s the top answer.

 
Round Two

We asked whose fault this was. You said, ‘David Cameron.’ It was, of course, the top answer. Next, you said, ‘Theresa May.’ It was the third best answer. A good answer. But the other team can steal if their answer ‘Vladimir Putin’ beat Theresa May. So was ‘Vladimir Putin’ the second answer? It was. I think you knew that really, and they steal the point.

 
Round Three

We asked you what answer Theresa May gave to the question: ‘Will you be calling a snap election?’ You answered, ‘I’m not going to be calling a snap election. I’ve been very clear that I think we need that period of time, that stability, to be able to deal with the issues that the country is facing, and have that election in 2020.’ It’s the wrong answer. Very bad luck on this one – the answer you gave was right five minutes ago. However, the updated answer Mrs May has just given, which we were looking for, is: ‘I have just chaired a meeting of the Cabinet, where we agreed that the Government should call a general election, to be held on June 8.’

 
Round Four

We asked Theresa May why she decided to hold a snap general election. You said, ‘To gain the majority needed to sideline Parliament and destroy the country.’ Theresa May said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ (Though, interestingly, our lie detector said this was actually the top answer.) The correct top answer, according to Theresa May, was ‘strength and stability’.

 
Round Five

We asked Tory MPs what they think of the current Government. Neither team guessed the top answer, intoned monotonously and in unison: ‘Mrs May is a wonderful Prime Minister, and this is the best Government we’ve ever had.’ The other answer we would have accepted, given by Ken Clarke, was: ‘Oh for f**k’s sake!’

 
Round Six

We asked 100 people to name one job Theresa May had before becoming Prime Minister. You said, ‘Nurse Ratched.’ It was a good answer. 31 of our hundred people said ‘Nurse Ratched’. But the top answer we were looking for, given by 53 people, was ‘Death eater’. Other correct answers included ‘Margaret Thatcher’ and ‘Cruella de Vil’. One exceptionally dull person answered ‘Home Secretary’, but we disqualified him.

 
Round Seven

We asked the current Government what they will do to solve the NHS crisis. You answered, ‘Provide proper funding for universal healthcare.’ The Government said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ The top answer we were looking for was ‘sell it to Donald Trump’.

 
Round Eight

We asked the Department for Exiting the European Union to name countries they hoped to secure trade deals with following Brexit. You were a little optimistic here. Your answers of the United States, China and South Korea were all incorrect. The top answer was Liechtenstein.

 
Round Nine

We asked 100 people to name an EU law that has actually caused a problem in their daily lives. It really doesn’t matter what you say here, as I can tell you that 52 of our 100 people said that they will have to get back to us on this, and wandered off muttering something about ‘sovereignty’. While the other 48 people said they actually quite like the EU, and appreciate having employment rights and an economy.

 
Round Ten

We asked 100 people how they intend to vote in the snap General Election. I can tell you, the top answer was…provided by the Russians.

 
 
And the winner of Brexit Fortunes is, of course, absolutely no one! Except maybe Theresa May, and a couple of billionaires, but certainly no one here. Not to worry: we don’t let anyone go home empty handed on this show! You all get to take home a crushing sense of impending doom, less money than you have ever had before, and this stylish blue passport!

Cat on a Hot Wood Fence (a Play)

I’ve been watching a play. It’s being staged on my garden fence. It seems to be one of those arty plays. You know, the ones that just have two characters verbally sparring. Like Waiting for Godot (for one of the protagonists at least, it appears that this play is more Waiting for Reaper). It’s a pretty short play, so I have decided to publish the script, a la J K Rowling (no, this is not going to be an eighth Harry Potter book either, so don’t even bother complaining).

 
 

CAT ON A HOT WOOD FENCE

By Indistinguishable From Tennessee Williams
(A.K.A. I’m Going To Make My Fortune I Tell You)

 
 

Characters

 
Cat: A cat

Bird: A bird

 
 

Act 1
Scene 1

 
(A garden fence. Bird is sitting on the fence. Cat enters, fence left.)

 
Cat: *Stalks along fence*

 
Bird: *Looks at cat*

 
Cat: *Stops. Looks the other way. Licks its paw. Whistles nonchalantly.*

 
Bird: *Still looking at cat*

 
Cat: What? Dude, I’m not even looking at you.

 
Bird: *Goes back to looking around garden*

 
Cat: *Stalks along fence*

 
Bird: *Looks at cat*

 
Cat: *Stops. Whistles nonchalantly*

 
Bird: *Looks at cat*

 
Cat: Seriously, dude, stop being paranoid. I’m not interested in you. Not everything is about you.

 
Bird: *Looks away*

 
Cat: *Stalks along fence*

 
Bird: I want to trust you, bro, but could you not come any closer? And stop looking at me.

 
Cat: *Hums ‘You’re so Vain’*

 
Bird: Yeah, you’re funny. Just back off.

 
Cat: Seriously, I’m not doing anything! Like, what’s your problem, man? I just wanna hang!

 
Bird: Yeah, whatever. Keep your distance.

 
Cat: *Edges slightly closer to bird*

 
Bird: Fuck this! *Flies away*

 
Cat: *To himself* Damn it! Why can you never be cool?! You’re such a moron! *Checks no one is looking, sidles away from fence as only a cat can*

Friday Frolics – 21st April 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last time. Hope you all had an enjoyable – and funny – Easter.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Turning Up in Devon – Village Survival, Static (Caravan) Shocks! The joys that occur when people seem to forget what static actually means, and supposedly ‘static’ caravans start moving around the country.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Maflingo – Be Afraid! Top 12 Terrors of Childhood. I loved this flashback post. I remember so many of these ‘information’ films. They were traumatic! I hate fireworks because of them.’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Mom of two little girls – Domestic Engineer Advanced Level. Anyone who can make the title of stay-at-home mum sound more important is a winner in my book. As we know being a stay-at-home mum is a very important job but I always felt that our title did not convey this. Domestic Engineer Advanced Level is a title that I can get on board with 😉 I am also on board with the shopping list – wine and cake? HELLO!’

 
Most Read Post

Slouching Towards Thatcham – Make it Stop!

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Nonsense Parenting Advice

We all know there is a lot of parenting advice out there. A lot. Good advice. Bad advice. But what of that special category of parenting advice? The advice that sounds sensible, but is actually nonsense?

 
Here are my top ten pieces of advice that appear perfectly reasonable at first glance, but are nonsense. Nonsense, I tell you.

 
1. Don’t make threats about consequences you aren’t willing to follow through on.

Yes, this sounds very sensible. However, it rather assumes that your children care about the threat, remember the threat, and were even listening to you in the first place. They weren’t. Make as many empty threats as you like, it really doesn’t matter. (Presumably, people whose kids actually listen to them don’t even need to make threats in the first place.)

 
2. They will eat it if you don’t give them an alternative. They won’t starve themselves.

They will, actually. They will starve themselves.

 
3. If they hurt themselves, they’ll learn not to do it again.

They won’t, actually.

 
4. If they don’t want to go to sleep, just put them in bed and leave them to it. They can’t scream forever.

Well, maybe not. But they can scream long enough for the police to be notified.

 
5. Let them make their own clothing decisions and express who they are.

Who they are is someone willing to die of hypothermia. Specifically, a pyjama-clad gruffa-fairy, who is willing to die of hypothermia.

 
6. Make sure they’re really tired, they’ll sleep better.

No one has ever had as much energy or been as awake as a tired toddler. Tigger has less energy than an over-tired child.

 
7. They don’t need to be eating snacks between meals.

They do if you want to achieve anything with any day ever. In the battle between childhood obesity and being able to do the shopping without a tantrum, raisins win every time.

 
8. They’ll be perfectly safe. They’re not stupid. They’re not going to fling themselves down the stairs/out of the window/over that cliff.

They have no survival instinct. None. Zero.

 
9. I’m sure they don’t need a bib/apron/hazmat suit – that will wash right out anyway.

It won’t. Don’t even need to know what it is. It won’t wash out.

 
10. It’s okay, they won’t even remember that thing you definitely don’t want to do/buy/feed them was even mentioned.*

They will remember it until the end of time. This is not like empty threats. Children hear empty promises. Like mini Liam Neesons, when a child hears an empty promise, they will look for you, they will find you, and they will make you give them the damn ice cream.

 

(* This one is generally said by the utter fool who mentioned the thing in the first place.)

They Have Returned: Protect Yourselves

*THIS IS AN URGENT PUBLIC SERVICE BULLETIN*
 
 
They have returned. They are rising. The invasion is underway. Some are speaking of the apocalypse, though there has been no official statement on this yet.

 
What we are being told officially, however, is this:

 
1. Stay in your homes. Do not attempt to travel. Do not attempt to reach loved ones. The public are advised to avoid all contact with the assailants.

 
2. Gather essential supplies, in case of a siege situation. Stockpile water and canned goods. They often gather in doorways and windows, and you may be unable to get out.

 
3. Avoid corners. DO NOT GO TO HIGHER GROUND.

 
4. Stay in a group, if possible. Keep a lookout at all times. Remember, you do not need to outrun them, you just need to outrun your friends. Sacrificing slow members of the group is entirely acceptable. This is about survival.

 
5. Know your enemy. They move strangely, but they are surprisingly fast. They are relentless. They are absolutely evil. Do not feel compassion for them. Compassion will be your undoing. And never, ever hesitate. Do what has to be done. They must die.

 
6. Collect weapons and keep them with you at all times. A large trainer and a vacuum cleaner are essential. Do not use a cat. Cats are a useless weapon against this threat. They are always full of confidence, but they never fail to f**k it up. They will play with the enemy and then lose it – do not make the mistake of joining forces with the cat.

 
7. The assailants can only be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. Nothing else will work. They cannot be drowned or stabbed. It is tempting to run for your life and burn your house to the ground, but you can be sure that they will rise from the wreckage. The only way is to smash their heads to smithereens with a trainer and vacuum up the pieces.

 
8. Stay vigilant. Stay safe. And always remember, under NO circumstances, ever, ever lift up that mug on the floor.

 
 
*THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THE SPIDERS HAVE RETURNED. PROTECT YOUR HOMES. PROTECT YOUR FAMILIES. REMOVE THE HEAD OR DESTROY THE BRAIN. DO NOT LET THE CAT HAVE A GO. DO NOT LIFT UP THE MUG. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.*

 
 

Friday Frolics – 7th April 2017

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you to everyone who linked up their fantastic funny posts last week. Next week there will be no Friday Frolics, as we are taking a break for Easter. Enjoy the holidays, and hope to see you back on the 21st April.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Lovely host Claire and her The Chickenpox House. Claire’s epic two week adventure in chickenpox deserves a medal, let alone a Friday Frolics favourite, and makes a far more entertaining reality show than the Big Brother House. I’ve actually had a number of Day Three in the Chickenpox House days…and neither of my kids have yet had chickenpox! I’m honestly not sure who was crowned the winner of the Chickenpox House – I think it might have been the pox – but, Claire, I salute you! Two weeks of spotty captivity!

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Unremarkable Files – 12 Things Parents Forget That Normal People Do. You mean it’s not normal to eat chocolate with your head in the cupboard?’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Daily Dump Show – Life Grinch. I am someone who is often asked – “ooh, look at your grumpy face” when I am actually just resting my face. I know, CHARMING! However, I am a grinch and I wholeheartedly agree with everything that is on this list! I especially can’t stand loud chewing. We don’t need to chew our soup!’

 
Most Read Post

Four Princesses & The Cheese – The Brighter Side of Bad Me

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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