A Wayne in a Manger and Other Christmas Weirdness

christmas-crib-figures-1060026_1280Christmas, as we all know, is the time of year when we suspend disbelief, believing in the impossible and the incredulous, in order to keep the magic alive.

In this spirit, I present my top ten festive peculiarities and anomalies.

1. The Snowman
In The Snowman, they fly over penguins on their way to the North Pole. That’s certainly taking the scenic route, isn’t it?

2. Father Christmas’ entrance
Why didn’t he always use a magic key? When most houses stopped having chimneys and Father Christmas started to use the magic key to come in the door, I can only assume he fired the person (Bob) who had suggested chimneys. ‘A magic key, Bob! We could have been using a magic key and a doorway all this time, Bob! Do you know how high my dry cleaning bills are, Bob? Dammit, Bob!’

3. It’s a Wonderful Life
It’s a Wonderful Life is the quintessential Christmas film. The perennial favourite. The Christmas classic. We all know this, right? We’ve never actually, well, seen it though, have we? No one has seen this film. Have you seen this film? Do you know anyone who has seen this film? No. No one has seen it. The film might not even exist. Does anyone conclusively know it exists? Maybe they just did a title, a poster and a vague description of ‘something about an angel’, and never actually made the film.

4. Tinsel
Tinsel is apparently dangerous to cats and young children. They should not play with it. SO WHY IS IT SHINY?

5. Nazis
The Sound of Music and The Great Escape are shown every Christmas without fail. When, and how, did it get decided that it just wouldn’t be Christmas without the Nazis, and various highly improbable escapes from them? Nothing says Christmas spirit like the SS, right?

6. We Three Kings
What are the real lyrics to We Three Kings? Does anyone know them? Is it just a myth that there were real lyrics? Was it always about a scooter?

7. Home Alone
Some parents admit that they have left their eight year old home alone in Chicago while they are in Paris. Not only do Social Services have no issues at all with this situation, but the police have to be persuaded to go and check on the small child fending for himself. They eventually rock up, knock on the door, and get no answer. So they leave. They don’t break down the door or search for the child, oh no. They report that there was no answer and everything is fine. Did they believe they were supposed to be checking that the eight year old home alone wasn’t going around doing anything dangerous like opening doors?

8. The Elf on the Shelf
That elf. The original one. It is clear that the only rational reaction to seeing that thing is to cut off its head, burn it and quarantine the area, just to be safe. But, no, people are taking it into their houses, and encouraging their kids to interact with it. How is it doing this? Clearly it has evil powers. Mind control? More importantly, what does it want with us? If you see one of these, DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT. (Please note: as a precautionary measure, it is advised that you do not look directly at Instagram for the remainder of the festive period.)

9. A Wayne in a Manger
I’m not religious, so I’ve probably got confused, but who is this Wayne in a manger we sing about, and what has he got to do with the Nativity?

10. Baby gifts
Did the Three Wise Men not read any new baby gift guides on Mumsnet before they set out? You know the ones: ‘don’t get lots of clothes in newborn size; booties do not stay on feet; newborn babies do not enjoy gold, frankincense or myrrh…’

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a slightly bewildered night.


  1. Cheryl says:

    Hah! Great post and agree there are some strange anomalies going on with certain Christmas traditions. Never considered the Nazi link before, but yes, it’s wrong!! #TheList

  2. Anna Brophy says:

    I’m gunna put it our there….I love “It’s a Wonderful Life” and have watched it through countless times…I can promise you, it is real and it is Christmassy and I do love it…even though the main guy is hugely dopey and it’s in black and white… #FridayFrolics

  3. I haven’t seen It’s A Wonderful Life, I was starting to think I was the only one!
    I love Home Alone, I know it’s ridiculously far fetched for all the reasons you mention and more but I still love it. I quite like Home Alone 2 as well where the same family managed to lose the same child lol 🙂 #weekendblogshare

  4. Fabulous as always and very valid points indeed. Yes I think We Three Kings has always been about a scooter. And selling knickers in a square apparently?

    Shall replace tinsel with strings of sprouts in our house this year, as the only childproof option.

    Love your work!

  5. Brooke says:

    Funny post! We do love the Sound of Music and you are right, I have never seen “it’s a wonderful life.” For that matter, I think I’ve seen parts of The Christmas Story 100x, but never from start to finish. Happy Holidays.

  6. Mrs Tubbs says:

    I always hope that if I will hard enough, this will be the Christmas Steve McQueen makes it over the wire! I have seen It’s A Wonderful Life. Rev T makes us watch it each year. 🙂

  7. Ha,brilliant!That Elf is really creepy and I’ve never seen It’s a Wonderful life!!My son sang “A chinese we bring to you and your kin” during “we wish you a merry christmas” hard keeping a straight face for that one #kcacols

  8. Lol yet another fantastic read. I packed out laughing about the Elf on a shelf, and found myself wickedly agreeing to everything you wrote about it! Holly seems to sing away in a manger no pond lmao she’s one strange toddle pop. xx #KCACOLS

  9. Lizzie says:

    My mum makes me watch it’s a wonderful life at Christmas time and I dont think I’ve made it to the end awake, although I do enjoy the first part that I’ve managed to watch. We just need to embrace these Christmas traditions and crazyness, it’s makes it seem all the more festive, funny post!

  10. Tammymum says:

    I love posts like this. Post where we stop and think about things we have known about for years but never realised how silly they are before. Wayne in a manger is definitely my fav! #KCACOLS

  11. Ha ha! Yes, probably the most useless presents ever to have been given to a newborn baby! Or perhaps they were like the equivalent of gift vouchers… I vaguely remember seeing part of It’s a Wonderful Life, but then again, maybe I dreamt that! #KCACOLS

  12. Oh this is fantastic.
    My geography is bad, so I would probably pass penguins on rhe way to the north pole (what do you call a penguin with no eyes….. a pen gun…… geddit..)
    I have never seen Its A Wonderful Life either, and I sooo agree about the Elf!!
    I hope you all have a fantastic chrisrmas in the Silly household, thanks for linking , Tracey xx #abitofeverything

  13. OneDizzyBee says:

    OMG. #4, definitely that! Hilarious.
    Also #8. Because KILL IT. When did this Elf become a thing? Everyone acts like it’s always been a thing, but it hasn’t. I know it hasn’t. We have been brainwashed.

  14. This a great and very funny post!! Agree with some of them. Of course not with the Elf on the Shelf as we are really happy with Felix on our home!! My girls love him and just seen their happy faces every morning worth the whole effort. It is actually lots of fun. I have never watched It is a Wonderful LIfe either. Home Alone is a great movie but you are right!! And agree with you with the Sound of Music being shown during Xmas!! LOL. Great post as always Lucy! Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS! I hope you join me again tomorrow for the last #KCACOLS of 2015!!! 🙂 xx

  15. Oh my goodness, I literally just cried laughing! This is soooooo funny! ‘Nothing says Christmas quite like the SS’!!!!!! I will tell that to my dad when we are forced to watch the Great Escape for the billionth time on Christmas day!!! I have started It’s a Wonderful Life, but to be honest, I’ve never finished it, as it’s shite!! And tinsel was banned when I was growing up, and will forever be in my own house too!! This is a great post!

  16. Rosemond says:

    Oh great! Now I’ve got a wayne in a manger stuck in my head and will continue to hum it all day long! I have actually seen It’s A wonderful life too many times to count. does that make me wierd?!

  17. I think the Elf on the Shelf is creepy and Mary and Joseph should have had more imagination when they filled out their gift registry. I LOVE the movie It’s a Wonderful Life and can honestly say I have seen it a million times. And I never exaggerate. Very funny post. Love it.

  18. Jennifer says:

    Yes, I’ve seen “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Over and over and over and over and over……again! They actually play it every day from Thanksgiving to Christmas day here. I do think this year that I need a Wayne in a Manger though.

  19. Lee Gaitan says:

    My daughter and her friend sang these lyrics years ago during the Christmas pageant: “Haste, haste, to bring Him lunch” (instead of “to bring Him laud”) and “Hail the incarnate BLT” (instead of the incarnate deity). At least it was a common theme. I believe I’ll have a BLT for lunch myself.

  20. You had me at A Wayne in a manger! I will never sing that carol in the same vain ever again! So many LOL moments in this post, loved it! A big fat ‘yuletide yes’ to all of them, in particular, the film – It’s a Wonderful Life. I haven’t seen it or indeed know anyone who has seen it and annually I feel a deep sense of uneasiness that I should be watching it as I settle down to enjoy Victoria Wood’s Christmas Special for like the 15th year running! #fridayfrolics

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