Be Quiet: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s the Ten Funniest Things feature. The Toddler would like to remind everyone to BE QUIET as other people can hear you. Here she is:

1. On being quiet
Everyone is being quiet. This includes The Toddler, who wishes it to be known that she is participating in the being quiet. Into the, well, quiet, The Toddler hollers: ‘I’M BEING QUIET!’

2. On the carpet, sorry about that
The Toddler has found a small mark on the carpet: ‘What’s that?’
Silly Mummy has a look and identifies it is one of the areas where a fleck of space putty has remained welded to the carpet following the discovery that it is ill advised to allow toddlers to play with space putty, even if they did go to the trouble of fishing it out of cupboards they are not allowed in. Silly Mummy answers The Toddler: ‘I think that’s from when we had the space putty.’
The Toddler considers this information: ‘Oh, yes…Sorry about that.’

3. On suspicious bedtime sickness
The Toddler is in bed waiting for Silly Daddy to read her a book. The Baby is getting ready for her bed with Silly Mummy. The Toddler’s voice pipes up from her bedroom: ‘Excuse me! I’m very sick. Excuse me! I’m very sick. Can you come and see me?’
Silly Mummy is a little bit suspicious of The Toddler, who sounds in good spirits and was perfectly well when Silly Mummy left two minutes before. Silly Mummy calls: ‘Daddy’s coming.’
The Toddler’s voice answers: ‘Can you tell him I’m very ill?’ Ten seconds later The Toddler adds an update on her condition: ‘I’m not feeling better. Can I get some medicine?’

4. On porridge, foggy
The Toddler has decided to take responsibility for providing The Baby’s imaginary meals: ‘I’m going to give The Baby her porridge, but I think it’s a bit foggy. I put it back in the porridge pan.’ (Three attempts at clarification by Silly Mummy confirm that The Toddler really is trying to say the porridge is foggy, but not what foggy porridge might be. Perhaps it is a problem only imaginary porridge has.)

5. On Silly Mummy, very tired
Silly Mummy is saying goodnight to The Toddler, who asks: ‘Do you want to come and sleep with me?’
Silly Mummy tells The Toddler that she has jobs to do and cannot stay with The Toddler. The Toddler tries a new tack: ‘You do want to sleep with me because you’re very tired.’

6. On Silly Daddy, what he says about that
The Toddler would like to hear Silly Daddy’s opinion on her latest wittering: ‘What do you say about that, Daddy?’

7. On oat bars and good work
Silly Mummy is fetching The Toddler a snack. The Toddler is excited to find out what snack she might be receiving, and is apparently not disappointed to discover she is getting an oat (‘oap’) bar. As Silly Mummy approaches, she declares: ‘I think it might be an oap. Oh good work!’

8. On other people, able to hear us
During a visit by an engineer to the house to do some work, The Toddler makes a horrifying discovery. She breaks off mid talking nonsense to exclaim: ‘Oh no, other people can hear us!’ Of course, the fact that The Toddler had not previously realised that other people can hear her when she talks explains quite a lot…

9. On diagnosis, unsolicited
Doctor Toddler, in keeping with her long standing renegade streak, no longer even waits for her patients to report symptoms or ask for treatment. She marches up to Silly Mummy: ‘I don’t think you feel well anymore. Where’s my medicine?’

10. On not telling Silly Mummy again
The Toddler is taking a strict approach to dealing with Silly Mummy’s behaviour: ‘Mother, don’t ask me to tell you again! Ever again. Ever. Ever.’ (Silly Mummy thinks she means ‘don’t make me tell you again’.)

 

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 23: I Resent to You
Week 25: Bravo

23 comments

  1. Jade Munro says:

    I genuinely have tears running down my face after every one of your posts. You are such a fabulous writer and Toddler is an absolute character brought to life through Silly Mummy. Thank you for the constant supply of giggles.
    xx
    #CoolMumsClub

  2. Ahh brilliant again! I particularly like the bedtime illness…I was thinking about it tonight as my son told me we can’t do bedtime, his bedroom is too freezing. It’s really not but a bit of me thought maybe so he’s got two duvets on…he’s going to melt! #coolmumclub

  3. Karen says:

    I almost choked on my sandwich at “Mother!” that is so funny! Regarding porridge, I can’t make that stuff to save my life so I quite understand the issues surrounding “foggy porridge” 😉

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