Bravo: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time again, and Silly Mummy gives you the only witch in the village (The Toddler):

1. On praise, bravo
The Toddler has ‘lost’ a DVD (in other words, The Toddler and The Baby have been playing with a DVD and now it’s been dropped behind the sofa). Silly Mummy fishes it out. The Toddler is quite impressed: ‘You found it! Bravo! I’m very pleased with you, Mum!’

2. On dinner, not good
Silly Mummy is making dinner. The Toddler asks what it is, and Silly Mummy tells her. The Toddler responds: ‘Yuck!’
Silly Mummy informs her: ‘That’s a bit rude!’
The Toddler twists the knife in the back of Silly Mummy’s cooking: ‘No, it’s just not good.’

3. On Auntie, AKA ‘the other one’
The Toddler is meeting her new baby cousin (‘Cousin’). Silly Mummy is holding Cousin. Cousin’s mummy (‘Auntie’) is upstairs. The Toddler stands next to Silly Mummy and Cousin: ‘Where’s baby Cousin?’
This seems an odd question, but Silly Mummy answers: ‘Just here.’
The Toddler repeats: ‘Where’s baby Cousin?’
Silly Mummy is very confused now: ‘Here!’
The Toddler shakes her head: ‘No, where’s the other one? Think she’s upstairs?’ The other one? That would be The Toddler’s loving Auntie, then. It’s nice that The Toddler likes her new cousin, but she does seem to have instantly forgotten who Auntie is to make room for him.

4. On babies, not talking down to them
As for Cousin himself, well, The Toddler does not consider his being one week old any bar to their chances of making polite chitchat: ‘How is it going, Cousin? How are you doing, Cousin?’

5. On sword fighting
Silly Mummy is trying to do Peter Pan with The Toddler. Silly Mummy waves an imaginary sword and declares: ‘I’ll fight you with one hand behind my back! Walk the plank!’ The Toddler has a zero tolerance policy towards imaginary sword fighters. She grabs Silly Mummy’s imaginary sword with her bare hands and imaginary flings it: ‘I throw it away!’ Peter Pan never had this sort of trouble: Captain Hook knew the rules.

6. On investigating
The Toddler is off to play with some toys. She is trying to make this sound a more serious and complex endeavour than it is: ‘I have to go and investigate again.’

7. On being a witch, minimum dress requirements
The Toddler has piled all the sofa cushions on and around Silly Daddy. She announces: ‘I built a house.’
Silly Mummy wonders if this makes Silly Daddy the Wicked Witch of the East. Silly Mummy asks: ‘Is Daddy the wicked witch? Did a house fall on him?’
The Toddler immediately decides that Silly Daddy is trying to steal her witchy limelight: ‘I’m a witch!’ Unfortunately, it turns out that The Toddler was not expecting a challenge to her witch title at this time, and she is not properly dressed to defend her position: ‘I’m not a witch yet…I get my hat!’

8. On returning to her seat
The Toddler has been stroking Grandad’s dog and is now returning to her seat. However, this is such a dull way of putting it. The Toddler feels that her return to her chair warrants a much more enigmatic description: ‘I must go back to the beginning.’

9. On Granny, probably not in the curtains
The Toddler is searching for Granny. In the living room. While Granny is in the kitchen. ‘Where’s Granny? She must be somewhere.’ Very philosophical. The Toddler looks behind the curtains. Very reasonable – just because Granny has never lurked behind curtains up to this point, does not mean that she isn’t there now. She isn’t, however: ‘She’s not there. I think she might be cooking. Don’t think she’s in the curtains.* Can I go and find she?’

(*The Toddler is not one to definitively conclude that someone is not in the curtains based on nothing more than the fact that they are not in the curtains. She’s very open minded that way.)

10. On her favourite scary movie
The Toddler is rooting through the DVDs again, largely because she knows she is not meant to touch them. Mostly, she turns up with Nanny McPhee. This time she is waving Let the Right One In: ‘Can I watch this?’
Silly Mummy takes it away: ‘No, sweetheart, that one’s scary. You wouldn’t want to watch that. It’s for grown ups.’
The Toddler wants more information: ‘What is it?’
‘It’s about vampires. It’s scary.’
The Toddler nods wisely, and starts framing Silly Daddy for crimes he did not commit: ‘Oh yes, it is wampires. I did watch that last time with Daddy. Daddy did put it on. It was scary. I didn’t like it.’ Well, quite. Wampires are not to be taken lightly: they’re even worse than vampires.

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 19: Clock
Week 20: You’re a Good Winner
Week 24: My Goodness


  1. Fabulous! Number 9 especially – I find it is always crucial to establish the number of family members present in the curtains at any given time. :0) I love popping by to catch up on The Toddler’s latest adventures.


  2. Bravo! Sweet! I’m definitely going to start saying that! My little one is very conversational with babies too…mostly enquiring as to whether that are ok…’baby, you ok? Baby? Ok?’ Then declaring to me (whether or not the baby in question is crying) ‘Baby is sad, mummy’. We know a lot of sad babies.
    Lovely post as ever! #coolmumclub

  3. doctomum says:

    Oh, I’ve missed your blog (not that you’ve not been writing, it’s me thats not been reading due to silly work and those darn kids…its all me, not you!). You know, I’ve come to the realisation that DVDs are meant to be lost aren’t they? so small, shiny and postable – ideal for any child’s tricks. I love how you record the cute (sometimes annoying) things the toddler says – makes it fab to look back on (and maybe, just maybe, embarrass them little). #thelist

  4. Mrs Tubbs says:

    So funny. Now the Tubblet is older, we record stuff and she watches it. We’ve had to tell her not to watch specific things as They’re Not suitable. Let the Right One In is definitely not suitable!

  5. Kimmie says:

    So funny… Wampires, well, that’s my nightmares sorted for tonight 😉
    Bravo, The Toddler…your antics brighten the bloggy world…and mine!

  6. Mel says:

    Kids really say the cutest things! Yep, we know exactly what you’re talking about when you mention the DVDs ‘lost’ behind sofas. In our case, they rarely turn up, so I think the kids’ secret hiding place must be between the floorboards…

  7. Always a joy to read the funny things that The Toddler says. “Wampires” is just adorable and I love her conversation with The Cousin. And yes, if you’re going to defend your position as a witch, you definitely need to have a hat! Another fab post Silly Mummy – bravo! Thanks for linking up to #ftmob 🙂

  8. Katie says:

    Little kids are so cute when their speech is developing. My toddler’s grasp of consonants is not so great yet so a lot of what he says sounds extremely rude i.e more sounds like wh*re. And he says more a lot!!! Thanks for linking up to #sundaystars x

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