Cat on a Hot Wood Fence (a Play)

I’ve been watching a play. It’s being staged on my garden fence. It seems to be one of those arty plays. You know, the ones that just have two characters verbally sparring. Like Waiting for Godot (for one of the protagonists at least, it appears that this play is more Waiting for Reaper). It’s a pretty short play, so I have decided to publish the script, a la J K Rowling (no, this is not going to be an eighth Harry Potter book either, so don’t even bother complaining).



By Indistinguishable From Tennessee Williams
(A.K.A. I’m Going To Make My Fortune I Tell You)



Cat: A cat

Bird: A bird


Act 1
Scene 1

(A garden fence. Bird is sitting on the fence. Cat enters, fence left.)

Cat: *Stalks along fence*

Bird: *Looks at cat*

Cat: *Stops. Looks the other way. Licks its paw. Whistles nonchalantly.*

Bird: *Still looking at cat*

Cat: What? Dude, I’m not even looking at you.

Bird: *Goes back to looking around garden*

Cat: *Stalks along fence*

Bird: *Looks at cat*

Cat: *Stops. Whistles nonchalantly*

Bird: *Looks at cat*

Cat: Seriously, dude, stop being paranoid. I’m not interested in you. Not everything is about you.

Bird: *Looks away*

Cat: *Stalks along fence*

Bird: I want to trust you, bro, but could you not come any closer? And stop looking at me.

Cat: *Hums ‘You’re so Vain’*

Bird: Yeah, you’re funny. Just back off.

Cat: Seriously, I’m not doing anything! Like, what’s your problem, man? I just wanna hang!

Bird: Yeah, whatever. Keep your distance.

Cat: *Edges slightly closer to bird*

Bird: Fuck this! *Flies away*

Cat: *To himself* Damn it! Why can you never be cool?! You’re such a moron! *Checks no one is looking, sidles away from fence as only a cat can*


  1. And the drama of the backyard is recalled as only Lucy can. I feel like I was actually there experiencing the tension between the two characters. Will there be a physical confrontation? Will there be fur and feathers flying? Was the bird being a coward or acting out of paranoia when he flew away? So many deep questions emerge. The mark of true art.

  2. Lee Gaitan says:

    Meow, baby! I just witnessed Act II here–cat variously staring up at and pawing in the air towards what I suspect is another bird’s nest in my rain gutter. I’m on the edge of my seat. Very cute post!

  3. Austin says:

    My kitties are indoor only, but that doesn’t prevent them from thinking they are great hunters. They move from window to window, silently stalking the birds in the bushes outside. They think they’re so clever, but the birds are well aware that there is a pane of glass keeping them safe from my safari cats. 🙂

  4. Jennifer says:

    I love backyard drama. Once, I owned a dog who was going crazy because a squirrel was crawling along the fence. I let him out and the squirrel must have freaked by the noise because he fell into the yard and I was afraid that my dog would get it. But this bird swooped in and started flying at my dogs head and flapping around it, making a distraction and allowing the squirrel enough time to escape. Never saw anything like it before.

  5. klaudia says:

    Hahaha, thank you for a good giggle, creating that post was a fabulous idea! You should write scripts for such kind of movies … lion king, or so 🙂 Brilliant post 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *