In no particular order, I present The Toddlers’ Top Ten Alternative Facts of the week:
1. This is not dinner, it is ‘alternative lunch’
In which The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby refused to have dinner. That is, she was happy to eat the food, but only if we would concede that she was eating lunch, despite it being 6pm, and lunch already having been eaten that day.
2. This is not naughty, this is ‘alternative good’
In which The Toddlers promised to behave for a brief trip to the supermarket, wreaked havoc, ran away, The Artist Formerly Known as Standing Up became The Artist Now Known as on Her Back in the Middle of the Aisle, and they subsequently adamantly claimed that they had indeed behaved.
3. This is not cheese, this is Babybel
In which The Artist Always Known as The Toddler claimed she does not like cheese (anymore) but likes Babybel.
4. I did not want this
In which the Artist Always Known as The Toddler pulled off a double and refused to eat the previously requested Babybel, claiming never to have wanted it.
5. This is not Ring a Ring o Roses, this is ‘Alternative The Hokey Cokey’
In which The Artist Always Known as The Toddler became enraged at Mummy singing The Hokey Cokey wrong by missing out many lyrics that have always been there before. Namely: ‘A-tishoo! A-tishoo! We all fall down.’ These lyrics have emphatically never been part of Ring a Ring o Roses, which is not a different song.
6. This is not an entire box of tissues on the floor
In which The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby, standing in a tissuey pile of evidence to the contrary, maintained that she had followed instructions to take just ONE tissue.
7. This is not a meerkat, it is an ‘alternative tiger’
In which the previously cool reputation of tigers took something of a battering at the hands of The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby, who was looking at a pack of meerkats that were definitely tigers.
8. This is not hers, it is ‘alternative mine’
The favoured alternative fact of both toddlers, at all times. Quickly followed by…
9. It was not a push, it was an ‘alternative hug’
The Artist Always Known as The Toddler’s ‘alternative hugs’ tend to be followed by The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby’s ‘alternative haircuts’ (ie, pulling out a handful of hair).
10. This is not disobedience, this is ‘alternative doing exactly what you asked, Mummy’
In which The Toddlers helpfully assisted in a number of activities by doing exactly as they were asked…in a manner that in no way resembled what they were asked to do.