Now, I know many of you are deeply concerned by the revelation* that our microwaves are spying on us. The machines are rising up. Big Blender is watching you.
As you all know, I am nothing if not helpful, and I love a good public service guide. So, here’s my guide to your household appliances and their espionage links. Be informed. Know what you can trust.
Microwaves, of course, cannot be trusted. Assuming that you know absolutely nothing about how microwaves work, lack all common sense, and have some form of paranoid delusional disorder, you will be aware that microwaves can sometimes turn into cameras and spy on you. Of course, there are some tips you can use to reduce the risks. Always microwave your food on under 50% power. The power setting is also the camera focus. When it’s cooking on 30% power, all pictures are blurry. No intelligence agency in the world can do anything with blurry footage of you singing I’m Too Sexy into a wooden spoon, while your soup cooks (slowly, because 30% power).
2. Vacuum Cleaners
Do you even need to ask. They literally have access to every corner of your life: as if there was ever any doubt that they are spies. Vacuum cleaners are particularly dangerous. They turn into teleporters. They collect your DNA from around your house and teleport it to Secret Service agents who, using cutting edge technology, are then able to ascertain that you are in fact living in your own house. Though, of course, that information will be classified.
The fryer is a double agent. It really works for the treadmill.
This one is very technical, so try to keep up. You know the little person who lives in your TV and writes the subtitles? Right, well, he or she also transcribes everything you say and sends it to shadowy persons unknown. Of course, if you’ve ever watched subtitles, this probably won’t concern you too much. Shadowy persons unknown will be receiving words only vaguely resembling actual words spoken, and only approximately a third of every sentence at that. Good luck with that, shadowy persons unknown (maybe look into anyone with an apparent interest in building bums).
Just playing with you. You can trust your fridge.
6. Alarm Clocks
The alarm clock specialises in mind control and subversive techniques. Think about it. Did you want to get up? No. You just find yourself mindlessly obeying. Meanwhile, the snooze function literally creates sleeper agents.
Don’t worry, your toaster isn’t spying on you. It’s just trying to kill you. Sleep well.
Well, really, I think if you need to be told never to get naked in front of any of your appliances, you are beyond help.
Don’t be so paranoid. The hairdryer just wants you to look your best. You know, because there’s always someone watching.
The dishwasher is the big spy boss. The M of the household appliance espionage operation. Be careful around it. Try developing a secret code or sign language if you need to communicate in the presence of the dishwasher (though make sure you are not in view of the microwave, obviously). Every so often, approach the dishwasher and whisper, ‘I’m on to you.’ Just to psyche it out.
So, now we’ve identified the threats, what should you do? First of all, don’t panic. Survival is all about remaining calm under pressure. You will never make it in the cut-throat world of household espionage and intrigue if you fall apart at the first sign of being interrogated by the kettle.
Be safe and prepared. Wear a colander on your head at all times.
Have a strong disguise. Camoflage is key. Dress yourself as the curtains, or a banana, and your appliances will never realise you are actually in the house.
Don’t be surprised if you begin to receive secret communications from the radiators. There is an underground resistance. If you need to escape fast, speak to the dishes and the spoons: they can help you.
Know your rights. The hoovers have gone rogue, but most appliances do still recognise the Geneva Conventions. In the event of a breach of human rights, your electric whisk will represent you before the Tribunal, which will be presided over by the toasted sandwich maker.
As you sit dressed in your curtains and colander, eyeing your toaster suspiciously, muttering veiled threats in the direction of your dishwasher, taking legal advice from the whisk, and silently plotting your escape with the dish and spoon, whilst communicating only through blinks, you may begin to suspect you have actually gone mad. This is what they want you to think. Stay strong.
****AND FINALLY, REMEMBER: Careless talk…is of absolutely no interest to your microwave because it’s a f*?!*ing microwave.****
(*For ‘revelation’, read ‘bat shit crazy piece of nonsense from Kellyanne Conway’)