This week, I have been thinking about our Prime Minister, Theresa May. Now, I can’t stand Theresa May. I think she’s a maniac, in fact. However, I have to admit that she does appear to have rather effectively hijacked the country, and now seems to be getting away with literally doing whatever she likes. This, of course, got me wondering: could I achieve the same level of authoritarian, batshit crazy control in my house? As a result, I will be implementing some of Theresa May’s favourite policies and tactics at home.
Like Theresa May, I have decided to adopt the policy of speaking only in a single three word soundbite. I have gone with ‘put it down’. What this house needs is PUT IT DOWN! My leadership will be PUT IT DOWN! Now, more than ever, we need to PUT IT DOWN!
I must report that the toddlers appear to be significantly less susceptible to this technique than much of the population is. At least, I assume they are not susceptible, as they are yet to PUT IT DOWN.
I am committed to drastically reducing the numbers of kinder egg toys entering the household. I feel like I may be being mocked over this policy, due to my numerous previous commitments to drastically reduce the numbers of kinder egg toys entering the household, which resulted in absolutely no reduction in the total number of kinder egg toys in the household. I did fear I might have gone too far when I started channelling Paul Nuttall and claimed that kinder egg toys are taking household jobs, failing to assimilate, and establishing areas of ‘Plastic Tat Law’ in the house where everyone is afraid to go. Still, I had committed by that point, so I brazened it out.
Household medical treatment, much like the NHS, is currently being administered by disgruntled junior/toddler doctors, who some claim are overworked (an observation based largely on the fact that they are having to moonlight as teachers, builders, gardeners, Elsa and Ana, hairdressers, artists and, last but certainly not least, Ghostbusters). Like the NHS staff, the toddler doctors are under-resourced (last seen using Elsa’s plait as a bandage) and under-appreciated (admittedly, in the toddlers’ case, mostly because they are rather violent with their patients, so this is where similarities with the beleagured NHS end). I have studied Jeremy Hunt and Theresa May very carefully and established the appropriate response to the healthcare crisis we are facing: I have made the toddlers really angry and I am now in the process of selling them to Donald Trump.
In a popular move, I have decided that I will be reintroducing the ‘sport’ of cat hunting with plastic teapots. The use of plastic teapots in cat hunting was banned some time ago, and the toddlers complained that this ruined the entire activity. Ain’t no one interested in chasing the cat on hobby horses without the teapots – what is the point? In this new policy, the toddlers will once again be allowed to unleash plastic teapots upon the cat. The plastic teapots’ role in the sport is to hunt down the cat and confuse her.
On this, I may have angered the toddlers. I announced that we were definitely not having a bedtime. There would be no bedtime until 2020. Read my lips: no bedtime. What this household needed was a period of PUT IT DOWN, and therefore there would be no bedtime. Then, in a remarkable u-turn, I announced a snap bedtime. A snap bedtime was now needed for PUT IT DOWN. The toddlers suspect that I was shamelessly exploiting a yawn from the youngest toddler in order to call a bedtime I knew I could win a landslide victory in.
6. Cabinet Appointments
The toddlers recently did something rather silly. They promoted the idea that leaving the sofa by throwing themselves at the coffee table was something we should all be doing. I could have told them not to be so ridiculous. But we are now following the philosophy of What Would Mrs May Do (WWMMD)? Therefore, I have whole-heartedly embraced the idea of leaving the sofa by throwing ourselves at the coffee table and, moreover, I have made the toddlers the Ministers for Leaving the Sofa by Throwing Ourselves at the Coffee Table.
Following an ill-advised referendum, and a falling out with the Babybels, the toddlers recently voted to leave cheese. They are now having doubts. They might want to stick with cheese. At the very least, they would like to negotiate to retain some kind of mutually beneficial relationship with cheese. They certainly didn’t mean that they wanted to leave cheese on toast. They just wanted to make a point, really. They feel it has all got a bit out of control. However, I have assured them that we do not negotiate with cheese. No deal is better than a bad deal when it comes to cheese. We are pursuing a hard chexit. We will be leaving cheese and all cheese-based products. There will be no cheesecake. We don’t need cheesecake. We are the greatest household in the world, and we will be making our own dessert. It will be more successful than cheesecake. WE DON’T NEED CHEESE TO MAKE CHEESE ON TOAST, and we laugh in the face of anyone who suggests we do.
WWMMD? Refuse to take part in any debates, of course. As such, none of my household decisions are up for debate. The toddlers are unfazed by this. They weren’t interested in taking part in debates anyway. They were interested in opposing my policies by whining, crying, shouting and outright ignoring them, and they are just going to go right ahead with this approach.
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*