Child Safety Kits Are Out to Get Us

stairgateSo, you have children, they start moving around, you childproof the house, everyone goes about their business in safely padded bliss, right? Right? Wrong.

Child safety fittings are out to get us. Child safety fittings are frankly dangerous. I have evidence.

1. Drawer latches

You know, the ones that let the drawer open just enough for the children to trap their little fingers in them. Repeatedly. Because they don’t learn.* You see, they believe the next time will be the time they get the drawer open and don’t just trap their fingers. They have faith. They have determination. They don’t have common sense. Or any survival instinct.

Still, at least they can’t get anything out of the drawer, right? Right. As long as everything in the drawer is at the very back of the drawer. Ridiculously, The Toddler and The Baby like to prise open the living room drawer as far as the latch will allow, fish around as far as they can reach, and pull out…the spare child safety latches that were left in the drawer.

(*Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that if children get hurt doing something silly, they’ll learn and won’t do it again. They won’t learn. They will do it again.)

2. Child gates

In fairness, these have worked pretty well so far. Once places they would actually fit were identified. And the entire house had been remodelled to make the places they would actually fit useful places to have child gates. And the error of having a gate with a death trap/step over bar at the top of the stairs had been rectified.

It should, however, be noted that child gates are at their most effective for containment of grandparents, not children.

3. Padding for furniture corners and edges

Unless you bubble wrap all of your furniture, there will be parts left unpadded. Those are the parts children bang their heads on.

As for the places where there are pads? Removing those pads is the single-minded relentless goal of any toddler. And it will be achieved. Ultimately, those ‘protective’ pads will not prevent damage to little heads, but they will cause damage to furniture when forcibly removed by little hands.

Plus, of course, the children will take themselves out on the coffee table having tripped whilst tearing towards the coffee table because they have spotted padding to remove.

4. Fridge latches

Fridge latches can withstand five attempts to open the fridge without undoing the latch because you have forgotten there is a latch. Then they fall off.

5. Plug covers

There appears to be some contention as to whether plug covers are necessary or even should be used. They are effective at stopping children getting to the plug sockets, however. They stop adults getting to the plug sockets too. Have you ever tried to remove one of those things? If you need to use a plug socket you have put a cover into, I suggest you install a new set of sockets. It’s easier.

Furthermore, plug covers seem to deal with a largely unnecessary issue. Children are not that interested in empty plug sockets. Children are interested in plug sockets with plugs in them. Playing with empty sockets is much less disruptive to the functioning of the house than randomly unplugging every household appliance. And you just can’t superglue your plugs into sockets, you know. Apparently, it’s not safe.

6. The items that are never included

Fully stocked with these impractical/hazardous ‘safety’ solutions, I have noticed that the safety kits never have anything to improve the safety of two of the most dangerous household objects.

Cushions. Cushions are very dangerous. Children use them to climb. This is not sensible. Cushions make for precarious step ladders. Furthermore, children believe cushions make throwing themselves on the floor from a height safer. That’s true, actually. They also believe they will land on the cushions. Less true. What ingenious solution do child safety kits offer for dealing with the hazards posed by these deadly household items? Nothing, that’s what. How have they all missed this gap in the child safety market?

Nor do they address the threat children pose to one another. Children are very dangerous to each other. They never look where they’re going. But do these kits ever supply padding to stick on the children? No, they do not. Never mind the corners of tables, what about when The Toddler collides with the hard edge of The Baby’s forehead?

Therein lies the problem, if you ask me. We are trying to childproof houses. We should be childproofing children. My innovative new child safety kits will include mittens, superglue for feet, and forehead padding.


  1. sooo True! Have tried some of these before, however, it’s more of a hassle to the adults rather than the kids, so I removed them apart from Plug covers as my little boy like poking his fingers on it, which is really a pain when you want to use it, better installing a new socket as it’s easier, lol. Great post! #TheList

  2. I’ll buy your kit! Bring it on! We have so far just bought a massive play pen…so we have basically put Caspian in a cage. It works. So the massive play pen stays. But a kit would be welcomed. #FridayFrolics

    Nadia – ScandiMummy x

  3. Jenny says:

    Love It, had me giggling all the way through. True about the child gates, my husband Nick wondered what they were for, the darned things always did confuse him. As for the plug sockets, nothing more satisfying than for a child to hear the crackle and loud pop when they disconnect the tv from the mains, as long as it doesn’t interfere with Peppa Pig….. And of course, it is amazing how those tiny little fingers can manipulate things out of a seemingly small gap in a well sealed drawer.

  4. Alexis says:

    I’d agree with all those except one! My little one loves, loves, loves trying to stick her fingers in uncovered plugs. However, once they’re covered, they’re apparently boring. Still I agree those things make using plugs a Hugh hassle. Visiting from Weekend Blog Share 🙂

  5. Hilarious as always. The section on cushions really made me laugh, and as for the ridiculous corner sticky things for furniture corners? I found them to be more of a choking risk as my tot used to bite them and rive them off with her teeth! Fabulous as always. #justanotherlinky x

  6. This is so funny and SO true! We didn’t bother with any of those safety kits in the end – we duck taped all of our drawers shut and hid all of the plugs behind other objects! Saved the hassle… but it means plugging anything in is a nightmare and we haven’t seen the inside of the drawer in eighteen months!

  7. lol child proofing the children would be much easier!! You make funny & true points here! Our daughter masted how to open childporoofed cabinets at 1 year old! It was such a disaster. She selected the biscuit /crisp press & would continously empty it. I had to move those items to a secure location lol #JustAnotherLinky x

  8. wendy says:

    All so true!the corner protection things are so little boy pulled them off with no effort at all. If I ever have another baby I look forward to buying one of your safety kits ? xx #KCACOLS

  9. Brilliant! They should be wrapped in bubble wrap at all times!!! Great post. Oh those days of having all this going on were tiring with my twins…they were into everything and every item was dangerous! Our house was so empty ha ha! Except for toys 😉 Thanks for linking up, much appreciated 🙂 Jess x


  10. Ha! This was HILARIOUS! All true, naturally. I once discovered a butter knife sitting next to the power point, then realised I had left it there after using it to prise off the stupid socket cover. Safety first!! (My kids also loved putting the socket covers in their mouths. How ironic would it be to have a child choke on a safety device?). Brilliant post 🙂 #fartglitter

  11. I love this. So true and very funny. My eldest has a scar where cracked his head open on our coffee table. He completely missed the protected corners and went for the legs instead! Our lounge furniture currently has no drawer handles because the little one was obsessed with opening and closing them. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  12. Anna Brophy says:

    I kept buying all these things and never quite got round to putting them all on. Bruises and tumbles are an everyday part of life in our house. You know; makes them stronger and all that…gulp…? #TheList

  13. Kerry-Ann says:

    Absolutely spot on, lol. I removed the cupboard latches for that very reason…it wasn’t just the children’s fingers being mangled it was mine too if I forgot they were on. I’m the mom who wants her children to climb trees, eat mud and manage an ant farm…#abitofeverything

  14. Aggh! This is so true. I think they’re just a way of making parents a little bit less concerned that pretty much anything everywhere is a hazard. How humans have survived this long when our infancy is so perilous is beyond me. #abitofeverything

  15. Jade Munro says:

    Do you know, I reckon you’re onto something there, surely it would be cheaper to pad up the kid as opposed to the house.
    And yes, oh my goodness, my in-laws are forever trapped behind the stair gate (good, stay there, that’ll teach you to visit when my husband’s away ?) Fabulous post as usual, missus! Had me laughing out loud.

  16. Haha oh my word we’ve had a nightmare with this stuff too. Loads of damage on the end of furniture where the baby ripped it off, plugs which can never be used again because we can’t get the covers off and loads of cupboard, fridge latches which are broken because we forgot they’re there. Plus at one point I couldn’t get into the chemical cupboard for three days.
    Thanks so much for linking up to #fartglitter x

  17. Haha, love this! Baby gates are just designed to be an adult death trap with those bars across the bottom. And cupboard latches are the devil’s work. I’ll have to stick with the socket covers though – when my brother was a baby he tried to stick his tongue in the socket! #FindTribe

  18. El says:

    It does seem child-proof means human-proof! I can’t open baby gates, open child-proof caps on medication and yes socket covers! So maybe it’s more Mummy proof kit so that we don’t get into trouble buying the real things that matter – like shoes! #sundaystars

  19. Oh this made me smile! I totally agree with all points. I love that you wrote that kids will knock themsleves out on the one area that isn’t padded- it’s a new law I think? And Grandparents. Yep, those gates are great for graandparents

  20. beth says:

    This is such a great post!! I never used the safety plugs with my second cause I could never get them from the socket myself when I used them when my first daughter was younger haha!
    And yep so true with safety gates… my nearly 6 year old daughter knows how to open our kitchen one but neither of the grandparents (5 of them) know how to open it!!

    thanks for linking up with #justanotherlinky

  21. This is so funny but at the same time very true!! A lot of the child safety kits are nonsense really!!! My daughter is a climber so she will do anything to get to the other side of the gates and then the crying starts!! So painful!! At the moment I just keep moving things around. This phase is the most difficult one. Hopefully soon they will understand! Thanks so much for joining me again this week at #KCACOLS. I really love seeing your posts here!! I hope you join me again next Sunday!! 🙂 xx

  22. This did make me giggle! I so agree with child gates – they seem to be able to stop grown adults from getting out of rooms as they can’t seem to work out how to use them! We use the drawer latch things for the kitchen but I broke a good few because I kept forgetting they were there! oops! #FindTribe

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  24. Jennifer says:

    Child safety latches just made it difficult for me, not my son. When we moved to a new house, I just left the latches in the old rather than undoing it all. I figured I left the place nice and safe for the next couple.

  25. My son and his two sons all have scars over their eyes from contact with sharp corners despite the latest childproofing measures. I LOVE your idea of childproofing the children. It is really the only thing that makes any sense at all.

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