In this week’s Ten Funniest Things feature, The Toddler is trying to tell jokes despite being really very, very sick. Meanwhile, The Baby is embroiled in a stand off with a toy remote control.
It’s The Toddler:
1. On Balamory, what’s the story in
The Toddler is sitting on the sofa. Apropos of nothing she suddenly pipes up, ‘Right then, what’s the story in Balamory?…Well, it’s quite windy.’ In all fairness, that is a reasonable representation of both the usual excitement level of the stories on Balamory, and the likely weather in Scotland. Offers of a script writing position will surely flood in.
2. On pants, cleaning with
The Toddler is supposed to be getting dressed. Instead, she is cleaning the coffee table with her underwear. Silly Mummy’s suggestion that perhaps we do not need to be cleaning the coffee table with our underwear is dismissed: ‘Yes, I do need to clean with my pants.’
3. On being patronising
The Toddler has this week been consolidating her position as the Boss of Everything by calling everybody else ‘childrens’ whenever possible, in her best patronising tone. Silly Daddy dropped the bag containing the nail clippers on the floor whilst trying to put it out of reach. The Toddler was on hand with instructions on how everyone should proceed: ‘Childrens, please don’t go through the nails.’
4. Also on also
The Toddler has learnt the word ‘also’, and also she likes to use it a lot, also. She is showing Silly Mummy some of her toys: ‘Have this one also. Also got this one and these. Also.’
5. On compliments, giving and receiving
The Toddler has progressed from last week’s self forgiveness. She is now complimenting and thanking herself. She is making a pattern on the floor with some stacking cups. It’s quite good, if she does say so herself (which, incidentally, was very kind of her to say, if she does say so herself): ‘Is very good…Thank you.’
6. On subliminal messages
There’s something The Toddler feels Silly Daddy should be doing. She is attempting subliminal messaging to prompt him. She sidles over to him, whispering, ‘Food, food. Chop, chop: get food.’
7. On going to work with Silly Daddy
The Toddler has decided to go to work with Silly Daddy. Silly Daddy has just left. The Toddler yells at the door, ‘Wait a minute I got to come with you now, just wait there a minute!’ She runs off in the opposite direction to the door. Presumably to get her tie: she’s not dressed for the office. Fortunately, Silly Daddy was not waiting on the other side of the door, as The Toddler does not return. She is now discussing tea making with The Baby. Perhaps she remembered she does not have a tie.
8. On bright lights
Silly Mummy is squinting because the light is in her eyes. The Toddler notices: ‘What’s wrong?’
‘It’s just a bit bright.’
The Toddler looks at The Baby, who is also looking a bit squinty: ‘The Baby has brights, too, look.’
9. On telling jokes
Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy, rather ambitiously, have decided to try to teach a two year old bad jokes. Knock knock jokes quickly fail. The routine is explained to The Toddler. She nods. Silly Daddy starts: ‘Knock knock.’ The Toddler looks at him expectantly. Silly Daddy prompts The Toddler: ‘You say, “Who’s there?” Okay? Knock knock.’
The Toddler wants to knock too. She bangs on the table: ‘Knock knock!’
Silly Mummy decides to try something else: ‘What do you call a man with a spade on his head?’
The Toddler does not know. Silly Daddy tries to help her. He whispers, ‘Doug.’
The Toddler triumphantly gives Silly Mummy the answer, which she may have misheard: ‘Dork!’
10. On malingering
The Toddler has taken up malingering. She arranges herself on the sofa and looks pitiful. ‘I’m not very well.’
Silly Mummy says, ‘Oh dear, aren’t you? What feels the matter?’
‘I’m quite unwell. I’m really very sick. Very, very sick, yes.’ Silly Mummy points out that it is a good job that it is nap time and The Toddler is about to go for a lie down. The Toddler makes a remarkable recovery: ‘No, can’t do that.’
The Baby is arguing with a toy remote control, which is trying to tell her the Spanish for nine. The Baby does not want to talk about the Spanish for nine. She is trying to change the subject to a matter of more interest to her. The Baby and the remote are now engaged in a stand off, and are shouting at each other. The Baby presses a button. The remote says, ‘Neuve.’
The Baby yells, ‘Duck!’ She presses the button again.