Doctor Toddler Is Back and This Time She’s…a Hairdresser, Actually

doctor-894482_1920Doctor Toddler is back, ominously brandishing her stethoscope at an unsuspecting Silly Mummy: ‘Do a deep breath, Mummy.’ Silly Mummy takes a deep breath. The Toddler puts the stethoscope on Silly Mummy’s stomach, and announces: ‘Hmm, I think it’s a bit loose.’ A bit loose? Is it going to fall off??

The Toddler is not a very verbose doctor. She does not expand further on her diagnosis. She has moved on to treatment options: ‘Have a plaster.’ A plaster? Is that going to be enough? Can a stomach be held on with a plaster? The Toddler is rooting around in her supply of imaginary plasters: ‘No, that one’s children’s plaster.’ This is not reassuring. Silly Mummy’s loose stomach is going to be reattached with an imaginary plaster, and it isn’t even the right type of imaginary plaster. Silly Mummy does not want imaginary Peppa Pig holding her stomach on. The Toddler has got her imaginary plaster supply under control: ‘Have this one plaster.’

However, she is now doubting her original diagnosis. She suggests carrying out further tests, though they sound a lot like the original tests: ‘Hmm, think it’s deep breath, I think.’ She brandishes her stethoscope.

In further dodgy diagnosis news, Silly Daddy’s knee is declared to have a cold.

It seems Doctor Toddler offers some unusual services at her practice. Armed with the surgical scissors and tweezers (and briefly, confusingly, the reflex hammer) from her doctor’s kit, Doctor Toddler leads a double life as a hairdresser.

The Toddler’s hairdressing technique appears mostly quite sound. A little aggressive, perhaps. The Toddler does not believe in waiting for people to request a haircut before attacking them with her scissors: ‘I’m just cutting your hair.’ And she does do things in a slightly odd order. Halfway through the haircut she announces: ‘I’m just putting your apron on.’ Still, she’s efficient. After just a few seconds of relentless hair pulling, she announces: ‘Finished! Do you want to turn around now?’

Somewhat unconventionally, it is apparently customary for clients/patients at The Toddler’s hair salon/doctor’s surgery to be required to cut The Toddler’s hair following their own hair cut/medical examination. A confused Silly Mummy obliges, asking The Toddler: ‘What hairstyle would you like?’
The Toddler has given much thought to exactly what hairstyle she would like to sport, and is able to confidently and helpfully answer: ‘That one.’ Well, it is a classic. A ‘that one’ never goes out of style, does it?

It seems to Silly Mummy that Doctor Toddler is actually very clever. Clearly concerned about the controversial Toddler Doctor Contract* and the future of her medical career, she has decided she needs a back up vocation. Sensibly, she has found one that she does not need new equipment for (though she may be forced to let the reflex hammer go).

(*The Toddler feels that if ever a person was both the ‘big bad wolf’ and a ‘naughty crocodile’, it is Jeremy Hunt.)

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  1. Anita Cleare says:

    I am beginning to feel like I live at your house I am getting to know Toddler so well! I reckon I could pick her out in a playgroup line up! As ever, utterly brilliant snapshot of toddler life X #TwinklyTuesday

  2. What a fantastic post. Hilarious! In more disturbing news, I think that The Toddler and My Toddler might be working for the same Dodgy Medical Practice. They appear to use the same unconventional methods. Toddler doctors everywhere wielding reflex hammers. Watch out world! #TwinklyTuesday

  3. Carol Hedges says:

    I think, given the current NHS crisis, there is a definite role for The Toddler here. If you could get her to progress to actual triage, she might be able to save A&E staff a lot of time by diagnosing and offering peripheral treatment. And a haircut.

  4. Anne Sanderson says:

    I’ve had so much pleasure reading your blog, and am constantly amazed at the funny things toddler says, and does. It’s wonderful to see her language developing at such a pace, along with her imagination. Watch out, or the hairdresser might decide to treat the baby to a short back and sides. You are such a brilliant writer, bringing each toddler and baby moment alive.

  5. Sarah says:

    Hahaha! My daughter is currently being a midwife doctor, she makes me stuff a load of teddies up my jumper and “pretend” im having a baby or 4. I actually am having a real baby in December so I guess its her little way of trying to understand whats going on. #bestandworst

  6. Catie says:

    Two for the price of one, great! I love a bargain, where do I make an appointment? Sounds like great fun. She could be a genius, haircuts while you wait at the Drs, makes sense!!! #brilliantblogposts

  7. El says:

    Bwahahaha…This is hilarious! You’re lucky to have a doctor and a hairdresser at home! Imagine the fees you’re saving! Such a well written post! #brilliantblogposts

  8. I always love how well you capture your Toddler’s imagination in your posts – they are a delight to read and never fail to make me chuckle. Doctor Toddler’s medical skills are perhaps a little suspect (although better I think that Jeremy Hunt’s ability at looking after the NHS – my views on him are similar to your Toddler’s although my choice of wording to describe him is perhaps a bit stronger!) I love how she has a back-up vocation in place and makes sure she gets herself a new haircut in the process. Another brilliant post as always – thank you for sharing it with #ftmob 🙂

  9. Brilliant as always! I think I might quite like my stomach to fall off though? (Or at least 3/4 of it). No plasters required, imaginary or otherwise. I think The Toddler is clearly very good at multi tasking. Well done to her, she is a toddler of many talents! :0) #bestandworst

  10. Loads of fun is had at your house! Toddler hasn’t tried to cut the Baby’s hair with the reflex hammer has she? That could be a malpractice lawsuit! Then Toddler may have to also grab a lawyer’s briefcase and take on a third occupation!

  11. Ha ha, if only real doctors cut hair? It would save time wouldn;t it? especially as a trip to our GP involves waiting 90 minutes in the waiting room. Maybe it would be more efficient for my hairdresser to be my g.p….its much easier to get an appointment with her! Your toddler sounds a little gem. x MMT #coolmumclub

  12. Argh I can still remember when one of mine thought it was fun to play hairdressers…chopped a big chunk of his brother’s hair off in the middle of his head and the poor child had to wear a hat everyone for at least a month til it grew back a bit!
    Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix
    Stevie x

  13. Kimmie says:

    Brilliantly funny, as always. The Toddler must never grow up…these posts must continue forever. Though, at some point The baby will be The Toddler I suppose, and will hopefully provide silly Mummy with as many hilarious moments as …The child once did 😉

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