Time again for the weekly feature that is the wit and wisdom of a two year old. Namely, The Toddler.
Without further ado, here is the tiny lady herself:
1. On being melodramatic
Silly Mummy is committing the heinous crime of moving a stuffed toy half a metre. The Toddler is running behind Silly Mummy, making an Oscar bid in the category of Best Toddler in a Complete Overreaction: ‘Come back! Don’t do it! DON’T DO IT!’
2. On non sequiturs
Silly Mummy comes downstairs with The Baby. The Toddler is eating breakfast, wearing a nappy and a headband. This sartorial combination seems worth commenting on, and Silly Mummy does: ‘Are you wearing your headband, The Toddler?’
‘Yes, The Toddler wearing headband. But Daddy going in car now.’ Um…okay?
3. On instructions, inconsistent
The Toddler wants Silly Mummy to build a tower. Silly Mummy is foolish enough to think she can choose where to sit. The Toddler puts an immediate stop to that: ‘No! Sit down there!’ She points. Silly Mummy sits exactly where The Toddler has specified, prompting the entirely understandable screech of, ‘Don’t sit down there!’
4. On herself, changing her mind
The Toddler bounds over to Silly Mummy clutching a plastic croissant from her toy breakfast set. She holds it out to Silly Mummy: ‘Croissant hold it.’ Silly Mummy accepts the croissant. The Toddler snatches it back: ‘The Toddler is need that one!’ Silly Mummy returns to her reading. The croissant is thrust in her face again: ‘Eat it!’ Silly Mummy takes the croissant and pretends to eat it. The Toddler yells, ‘No, can’t eat it! The Toddler is need that!’ Silly Mummy returns the croissant. The Toddler holds it out again: ‘Eat it mouthful!’ This is still going on.
5. On the stair-gate, really pinpointing the purpose of
The Toddler is trying to wrestle the stair-gate open. She is quite concerned by her lack of success: ‘The Toddler armpit*! Oh dear, The Toddler can’t do it! Can’t armpit gate, Mummy!’ It’s almost as if it was specifically designed so that she couldn’t open it.
*’Open it’, for those unfamiliar with The Toddler’s unique usage of the word ‘armpit’.
6. On Mummy, reassuring her
The Toddler’s favourite question of the week is, ‘What’s wrong?’ Silly Mummy trips.
‘What’s wrong, Mummy?
‘Just tripped up.’
‘Oh…Don’t worry, Mummy!’
7. On naughty steps, rhinos
The Lego dog has been naughty. He has been put on the Lego naughty step. Obviously. Silly Mummy is checking that The Toddler is applying the naughty step rules consistently, and the Lego dog knows why he has been naughty. In other words, Silly Mummy really wants to know what the Lego dog is alleged to have done. How naughty can a Lego dog be? Silly Mummy asks, ‘Have you told the dog why naughty step?’
‘Oh! Yes!’ The Toddler runs away. Silly Mummy and the Lego dog are confused. The Toddler returns with a stuffed rhino. She proceeds to make him a step and sit him on it. She looks pleased with herself. Silly Mummy gives her a quizzical look. The Toddler points: ‘Rhino step!’ Oh! She misheard: ‘why naughty step’ = ‘rhino step’.
8. On The Baby, getting rid of her
The Toddler tells Silly Mummy, ‘Put The Baby in car.’ Silly Mummy reminds The Toddler that the car is not here: Daddy has the car. The Toddler nods her agreement, ‘Yes…Put The Baby in car!’ Clearly, The Toddler is unconcerned with which car The Baby gets put in. Any car will do, but she’s not staying in the house.
9. On the backpack, what’s in it
Anyone familiar with the CBeebies programme Justin’s House will know about Mac the Explorer, and her backpack. For those who don’t know, they play a game where she shows them various items from her travels, whilst they all shout, ‘What’s in the backpack, Mac?’ The Toddler is obsessed with Justin’s House. She has gone to bed. All is quiet. Suddenly, over the baby monitor comes The Toddler’s voice: ‘What’s in the backpack? What’s in the backpack? WHAT’S IN THE BACKPACK?’ Quiet again.
10. On Daddy, victim of medical experiment
The Toddler has recently been given a toy doctor’s kit. She picks it up and extracts the scissors and the tweezers. She approaches Daddy, sitting on the sofa: ‘Daddy, go to sleep.’
Daddy is understandably suspicious: ‘Why does Daddy have to go to sleep?’
The Toddler puts on a reassuring voice and slightly psychotic expression: ‘Daddy, sleep. Go to sleep, please.’ There is now a stand-off. The Toddler, still brandishing medical implements, continues to insist that Daddy just go to sleep, no questions asked. Daddy is sensibly remaining awake. There will be no experiments on Daddy today. But one day, Daddy will fall asleep and, when that day comes, Toddler Frankenstein will be waiting. With her tweezers.
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me