1. There is a random object on her head. This is a ‘hat’
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a toddler in possession of a coaster must be in want of a baby’s head to put it on.* The Baby has learnt that a wide variety of objects will be placed on her head and declared a ‘hat’. In fact, the only requirement for objects that can be The Baby’s ‘hat’ is that they must not, under any circumstances, actually be a hat. The Baby smiles tolerantly whilst The Toddler puts a leaflet advertising pizza on her head and shouts, ‘The Baby hat on! Hippos away!’**
* To almost entirely misquote Jane Austen.
** ‘The sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray.’ Obviously.
The Toddler loves to do kisses and cuddles. She has a routine: ‘Mummy, kiss, please…Cuggle…Aaahh!’ The Baby is a frequent, if not always willing, recipient of Toddler kisses and cuddles: ‘The Toddler is wanting give The Baby kiss.’ Sometimes, The Toddler will explain what they are doing: ‘Mummy, doing cuggles. Cuggles, The Baby.’ This is presumably just in case an inexperienced observer was to think The Toddler, now wrestling The Baby with an arm around her neck, was attempting to strangle a distressed infant. They’re cuddling, okay? The Baby may not always appreciate the kisses and cuddles, but she has paid attention to the routine. Now, when Silly Mummy asks The Baby for a kiss, The Baby opens her mouth and head butts Silly Mummy (still not quite got the hang of kisses), before putting her arms around Silly Mummy and saying, ‘Aaahh!’
3. It is naughty to eat the bin (and The Toddler is a bit of a grass)
The Baby’s favourite toy/lunch is the living room bin. Should The Baby be lucky enough to find someone has left the bin within her reach (yes, hiding the bin from The Baby is an actual thing around here), she will immediately attempt to get any item she finds in the bin, the bin bag and the bin itself into her mouth. Should The Baby succeed in engaging in this activity without Silly Mummy noticing, The Toddler alarm will activate: ‘No, The Baby! Naughty! Don’t, The Baby! Mummy! The Baby can’t eat the bin! The Baby naughty!’
4. She’s ‘it’
Due to some very irresponsible parenting, The Toddler has recently learnt about being ‘it’. She now likes to run up to people, smack them and yell, ‘It!’ She understands that she is supposed to run away from people threatening to make her ‘it’. The Baby does not know the rules of ‘it’. Nor can she run. As a result, The Baby can be found sitting on her bottom, smiling patiently, whilst The Toddler repeatedly whacks her on the arm and screams, ‘It!’ The Baby does not know what ‘it’ is, but she accepts that she is ‘it’.
5. Raisins are contraband (and delicious)
The Toddler has some raisins. The Toddler holds out a raisin to The Baby. Silly Mummy tells The Toddler not to give the raisins to The Baby. The Baby is having her own, more suitable, snack. (Read: more digestible snack. There was a raisin incident; Silly Mummy doesn’t want to talk about it.) The Toddler nods. No raisins for The Baby. Silly Mummy fetches The Baby’s snack. The Toddler and The Baby are now looking shifty.
‘Did you give The Baby a raisin?’
‘Has The Baby got a raisin?’
‘Is that a raisin in The Baby’s mouth?’
‘Yes. The Baby eating raisin.’
5 1/2. The Toddler loves her
The Toddler gave The Baby one of her raisins. Voluntarily. The Baby is very special.