It’s week…something of our Ten Funniest Things feature, and the madness continues.
Check your sanity at the door, and join us for The Toddler:
1. On the cat, misbehaviour by
The cat has been very naughty. She has swiped at The Baby. In fairness, The Baby had been harassing her, but still. The cat has been shouted at and sent away. The Baby has cried for about ten seconds and forgotten it. The Toddler has asked, ‘What’s wrong, The Baby? Mummy, what’s wrong with The Baby?’ Silly Mummy has explained that the cat was naughty and gave The Baby a little scratch. Everyone has moved on. Later, Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are going out. The cat is sitting near the door. The Toddler decides that the cat needs to sit and think about what she has done a bit more while we are out. As we leave, The Toddler points at her and says sternly, ‘No, cat. Don’t stick The Baby, please. Naughty!’
2. On she ain’t heavy, she’s my toddler*
The Toddler is going for a nap. Silly Mummy picks her up to put her into bed. Since the last time Silly Mummy picked The Toddler up (two hours ago), The Toddler has been on her Mummy-Toddler Health and Safety Training. She now knows just how risky this activity is: ‘Mummy, don’t carry The Toddler! Too heavy.’
(*Almost a huge hit for The Hollies)
3. On pizza, liking it
The Toddler is having pizza for lunch. She has never had pizza for lunch before. Silly Mummy felt the mini pizza The Toddler ate the previous night for dinner was not sufficiently mini, hence some put aside for lunch. Silly Mummy informs The Toddler that she will be having pizza for lunch. The Toddler approves: ‘Ooh, Mummy, me like it!’ (Update: The Toddler refused to eat pizza for lunch.)
4. On the baby, definitely awake
The Baby has been asleep. She is now awake. She is demonstrating this by sitting on Silly Mummy’s lap, babbling. The Toddler, however, feels that the matter requires further clarification. She wanders over, puts her face in The Baby’s, and asks, ‘The Baby, awake?’ The Baby stares at her. The Toddler nods, ‘Yes. Wake.’
That clears that up, then.
5. On The Baby, polite relations with
The Baby is having a snack. The Toddler’s water is closer to hand than The Baby’s water. Silly Mummy asks, ‘Can The Baby have some of your water?’
The Toddler holds out her cup, and replies, ‘Yes. Of course.’ How awfully polite.
6. On doing…something
The Toddler is doing some colouring with her pencils. Silly Mummy calls over, ‘Are you okay, there, The Toddler?’
The Toddler says, ‘Yes, Mummy, doing…something.’
7. On off
The Toddler has a tendency to mix up ‘off’ and ‘on’. Usually, this results in her bringing over her already turned off torch and demanding, ‘Turn it off, please, Mummy!’ The Toddler and Daddy are talking to Grandma on Skype on Daddy’s phone. Grandma is mid-sentence when The Toddler loudly declares, ‘Turn Grandma off, please, Daddy!’ Well, that was rude! However, before Grandma takes The Toddler off her Christmas card list, it should be noted that Daddy’s phone screen had gone on to power save and turned black. We believe this to be a most unfortunate example of The Toddler’s off/on confusion: she actually wanted Grandma back on the phone.
8. On herself, getting on it
The Toddler is coming down the stairs. Silly Mummy tries to give her a hand. The Toddler confirms that she will be handling the situation for herself: ‘The Toddler get on it.’
9. On supermarket naughtiness
The Silly Family are in the supermarket. The Toddler, like so many of her kind, is unaware that supermarkets are not fun. She is tearing down the aisles, hollering. She has been asked by both Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy to stop running and, indeed, to stop shouting. She is now engaged in a stand-off with the Silly Parents, who are beckoning her sternly from the other end of an aisle. How to reconcile the desire to run and shout with the knowledge that these behaviours have been declared naughty? Easy. Careen down the aisle towards Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy, screaming, ‘Oh, that naughty!’ Yes, it was, The Toddler.
10. On binoculars, not being cameras
The Toddler is holding the binoculars from her little explorer set.
‘The Toddler’s camera!’
‘Those are binoculars, darling.’ The Toddler holds up the binoculars to the cat. They fail to take a picture of the cat.
‘Oh, The Toddler’s camera is broken!’
‘That’s because it’s binoculars, darling.’
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me