I think I have the solution. I know how to fix this. The Trump administration has given us alternative facts and fake news (which they claim is everywhere). I think this is the way out. Fake news – let’s use it, people.
First step: announce that the election was fake news. Never happened. Just put Barack back in the Oval Office: ‘Don, what are you doing in my office, bro?’
Second step: follow this script. Do not deviate.
Election hasn’t happened yet. Don’t you remember: it was postponed due to the Bowling Green Massacre?
Of course it didn’t happen. I mean, if you were elected, the inauguration crowds would have been the biggest ever seen, right, Don? Look at the pictures. No one was there. Because it didn’t happen.
Remember when you met the British leader? Nigel something or other? Yeah, that guy’s not the British Prime Minister. No one knows who that guy is, but we think a village somewhere is sans idiot. See? Make believe. A pretend President meeting a pretend Prime Minister. It was probably a dream.
But you’re living in the White House? Are you though? Really? Dude, where’s your wife? If you live here, where’s your wife?
You still think you’re the President? If you were the President, you wouldn’t be profiting from businesses that are a direct conflict of interest, would you? And we’d have seen your tax returns, right? Every President produces his tax returns. Dude, where’s your tax return? It just doesn’t seem very likely you’re the President, does it?
You want more evidence? Presidents have a State Department, don’t they? You know, one with staff in it. I think you know where this is going, Donald…Dude, where’s your State Department?
Presidents also attend intelligence briefings. Have you attended an intelligence briefing, Donald? No, you haven’t. Because you’re not the President.
If you were already the President, you wouldn’t have been election campaigning, would you? That would be a really strange thing to do if there had just been an election and you were supposed to be busy running the country, wouldn’t it? Have you been election campaigning recently, Donald?
Can you tie your tie, Donald? You’re not the President, are you, Donald? I know, it’s very confusing. Yes, you did sign things. But do you know what they were, Donald? Don’t you think a President would have known what they were? And the crayon, Donald? Did you think it was at all strange that you were signing Executive Orders with a crayon? And Sean Spicer? You can’t possibly have thought he was real? Could you not tell that was Melissa McCarthy in a wig?
On the plus side, Don, as none of this happened, at least you haven’t committed treason. Silver clouds, right? (Or golden showers, if you’d prefer.)
That’s right, Donald, just step this way. Just this door over here. Yes, I’m sure you will win the real election when it finally happens. A tremendous win, yes. Yes, you were the best fake President. No one fake presidents better than you. Really. Alec Baldwin gave fake presidenting a go, but he lost. Bigly. Sad. Now, here’s the door. Let’s just put your coat on, and you can get back to the election campaign. Yes, it is a funny looking coat. Very complicated, yes. Yes, the sleeves are supposed to wrap round like that…
I really think this would work. Fake news. All fake. I mean, that’s more believable than that the past month actually happened, right? We can do this. It. Never. Happened. Just channel Kellyanne Conway, and brazen it out. Hell, Kellyanne Conway will probably jump onboard and confirm the election was fake – I think she’s physically incapable of walking past a lie without repeating it.