It’s Ten Funniest Things time once again. This week, we will be doing formal presentations, in keeping with The Toddler’s self appointed position in high society.
Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Lady The Toddler:
1. On thoughts, not knowing them
The Toddler is having trouble remembering the song she wants Silly Mummy to sing: ‘Can you sing…can you sing…can you sing…I don’t know thoughts!’ It is so annoying when you don’t know any thoughts, isn’t it? You know, when all the thoughts have just momentarily slipped your mind.
2. On resenting The Baby
The Toddler currently enjoys being presented to society. She requires Silly Mummy to announce: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…’ She will accept being presented in a number of ways: ‘the Lady The Toddler’, ‘the Right Honourable Pickle’, ‘Dame The Toddler’, ‘the Evil Queen’. In response to each, The Toddler giggles and gives an elaborate bow. She does not like to be introduced as ‘the naughty crocodile’. The Toddler also enjoys making announcements to present others (The Baby, mostly) to society. She often misses the ‘p’ off ‘present’, amusingly resulting in a lot of rather formal begrudging coming from The Toddler: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I resent to you The Baby!’
3. On her apple, missing it
The Toddler did not finish all of her apple at breakfast. She asked for it to be put in the fridge. A few hours later, she asks, ‘Where’s my apple gone?’
Silly Mummy replies, ‘It’s in the fridge.’
The Toddler responds with sophistication beyond her two years: ‘Oh, sorry. I was missing it. But it’s in the fridge. Sorry.’
4. On her doctor’s kit, not to go in nappy
Adding to the ongoing questions about the quality of The Toddler’s medical training, she waves her stethoscope at Silly Mummy and announces, ‘I mustn’t put my doctor’s in my nappy. It’s going to get dirty.’ True. But possibly not the only reason not to put a doctor’s kit in your nappy.
5. On the cat, touching things
In what some are calling a fairly innocuous act, the cat walks near to some of The Toddler’s things. The Toddler is not one for a measured and proportionate response. She is not a ten times Oscar nominee in the category of ‘Best Toddler in a Complete Overreaction’ for nothing. She screams, ‘Oh no! The cat touched my things! Yuck!’
6. On being an explorer
The Toddler has her explorer kit. She puts her binoculars around her neck, picks up her magnifying glass, and announces to the room that she is an explorer. Kind of: ‘I’m ex!’
7. On buttering toast, very carefully
Silly Mummy is buttering The Toddler’s toast. A delicate and vitally important procedure, judging by The Toddler’s insistent shouts: ‘Be careful with it! Don’t be naughty with it! You have to be very, very careful with it!’
8. On Silly Mummy, not saying ‘dun dun dun’
The Toddler is yelling: ‘Dun dun dun!’
Silly Mummy is not entirely sure why we’re building suspense, but gamely joins in: ‘Dun dun dun!’
Silly Mummy is not allowed to say ‘dun dun dun’, as The Toddler makes clear: ‘No! You don’t say dun dun dun! I say dun dun dun! Roar!’
9. On The Baby, not poo
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are waiting for Silly Daddy. The Baby is pulling faces at Silly Mummy. Silly Mummy says, ‘Hi, Poo.’
The Toddler will not stand for her sister being addressed in such a disrespectful manner. She indignantly proclaims: ‘The Baby is not poo! She’s a good girl!’
Through giggles, Silly Mummy agrees: ‘Quite right, The Toddler.’
The Toddler is gracious in her victory: ‘Thank you, Mummy.’
10. On speaking French
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are watching a ferry sailing in. Silly Mummy is explaining that the boat has come from France. The Toddler has been a fan of announcing her name of late, so Silly Mummy tells her: ‘In France, instead of “I’m The Toddler” you say “je m’appelle The Toddler”. Can you say “je m’appelle The Toddler”?’
The Toddler nods: ‘Yes, tinkerbell The Toddler.’ So close.