In what has now officially become a new feature (two weeks in a row is a new feature, right?), Silly Mummy once again presents ten of the funniest things The Toddler said last week. (If you missed last week’s edition, you can see it here.)
So here she is, The Toddler:
1. On Mummy, not getting a kiss
Silly Mummy asks The Toddler, ‘Can I have a kiss?’
‘No, Mummy. Thanks.’ Thanks? Thanks?? What is that? Not just rejected, but formally rejected: ‘Thank you for your interest in a kiss but, unfortunately, we will not pursuing your application at this time.’ Silly Mummy considers herself told.
2. On stairs, no one being big enough
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are about to descend the stairs. Silly Mummy is carrying The Baby; The Toddler will walk down herself, holding Mummy’s hand. The Toddler knows we must be careful going down the stairs. She knows The Baby cannot go down the stairs by herself. At the top of the stairs, The Toddler proclaims, ‘The Baby not stairs!’
Silly Mummy confirms, ‘No, The Baby can’t go on the stairs – she’s not big enough, is she?’
The Toddler nods, and adds, ‘The Toddler not big enough.’
‘You’re not big enough for the stairs?’
‘No. And Mummy not big girl. No stairs!’ Oh dear. The Baby, The Toddler and Silly Mummy are all not big enough to go down the stairs. Well, this is a dilemma. On with the post from the top of the stairs, where we shall remain until we are big girls.
3. On not
The Toddler has decided the word ‘not’ can stand alone. The Toddler holds no truck with any of the words ‘not’ usually serves to negate. Do not, cannot, will not, have not, is not, must not. Clearly, ‘not’ is the significant word here: those pesky verbs are just wasting her time.
‘Can you put those back, The Toddler?’
‘Oh no, Mummy, not.’
‘Do you want to get dressed, The Toddler?’
‘Oh no, Mummy, not.’
4. On Mummy, shutting up
‘Shhh, Mummy, shut.’ Did she just tell Silly Mummy to shut up? She just told Silly Mummy to shut up, didn’t she?
5. On Grandma, not available on the remote control
Now, The Toddler often Skypes with her various grandparents on the TV. She knows about Skype. She provides detailed instructions: ‘Call Grandma on TV. Remote up there! Armpit cam!’ (To clarify, the remotes are kept out of reach – ‘up there’. The webcam is not kept in anyone’s armpit – the shutter needs opening, and The Toddler’s version of ‘open it’ is ‘armpit’.) The Toddler is also aware that Mummy and Daddy tend to phone the grandparents first to see if they are available. It seems The Toddler is now taking matters into her own hands. She has her toy remote control. She puts it up to her ear. (The Toddler is very busy. She does not have time to find her toy phone and her toy remote. The remote is therefore now a phone.) ‘Hello. Talking. Hello, Grandma. It’s me. The Baby is naughty. Hello. Talking. Hmm. Yes. Okay.’ The Toddler takes the remote away from her ear. She is satisfied that she has now made the appropriate arrangements with Grandma on the remote/phone (and, apparently, has additionally reported The Baby for some unspecified transgression). The Toddler now points the remote at the TV: ‘Hello. It’s me. Hello.’ The TV continues to play Sarah and Duck. Not a Grandma in sight. (Not a parent in sight, for that matter. Who on earth is responsible for that child? Wandering around town with a duck. A duck is not a suitable legal guardian. In Silly Mummy’s day cartoon children were properly supervised by a pair of responsible adult legs at all times! But Sarah and Duck is not the point here…) The Toddler continues to wave the remote at the TV, which (unsurprisingly, given that it’s a toy remote) remains Grandma-less. ‘Hello. It’s me. Can’t see Grandma. Oh dear.’
6. On Daddy, doing it every time
Daddy and The Toddler are playing throw and catch (throw and throw, in The Toddler’s case (http://risforhoppit.uk/throw-and-catch/)). Without The Toddler’s prior written approval, Daddy decides to include The Baby in throw and catch. For the first time ever, Daddy throws the ball to The Baby. The Toddler shakes her head disapprovingly, ‘Every time, Daddy.’ Clearly, that particular sarcastic phrase has been over-used by the adults of the house. You have to hand it to The Toddler: she may have misinterpreted the appropriate context, but she absolutely nailed the appropriate tone.
7. On The Baby, shouldering the blame
The Toddler and The Baby are both misbehaving in the bathroom. The Toddler is attempting to wash the toilet with the hand soap. The Baby is attempting to make a break for it with her bottom out. Silly Mummy says, ‘You’re both naughty pickles.’
The Toddler nods wisely and says, ‘Yes, The Baby, you’re a naughty pickle.’
8. On drunkenness
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in M&S, walking through the menswear department. The Toddler starts yelling, ‘Drunken! Drunken, Mummy!’ Well, that’s not good. (Particularly unfair, too, as Silly Mummy in fact doesn’t drink at all.) The Toddler is not to be dissuaded: ‘Drunken! Drunken!’ Silly Mummy glances around, thinking maybe The Toddler means something else that just sounds like ‘drunken’. Nothing that sounds remotely like ‘drunken’ is identified. The Toddler continues to shout about ‘drunken’ until distracted by the lift: ‘Ooh up, down!’ (If you are wondering, Silly Mummy has no idea why The Toddler always seems to pick M&S for these incidents. (http://risforhoppit.uk/bin/) We don’t even go to M&S a lot.) The drunken episode is a mystery. It has been forgotten by two days later, when one of The Toddler’s DVDs of songs reaches ‘What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor’, and The toddler yells, ‘Drunken! Drunken!’ Oh, right. She was singing. Obviously. Silly Mummy. Now that Silly Mummy comes to think of it, why is ‘Drunken Sailor’ on a DVD of songs for young children, anyway? Do they not realise that small children believe singing means shouting random words from songs? Do they not realise people have to go out in public with their children?
9. On The Baby, offering encouragement to
The Baby pulls herself up on her little walker and sets off across the room. The Toddler, with no prompting, calls, ‘Oh wowee, The Baby! Oh wowee!’
10. On Mummy, telling her what
The Toddler has mastered the art of anticipation. Accidentally. She announces, ‘I’ll tell you what, Mummy.’ Silly Mummy is intrigued. What is this information The Toddler is about to impart? No, really, what is it? Hello? The Toddler is gone. She is unaware that the phrase ‘I’ll tell you what’ is intended to pre-empt, well, telling someone something. After some initial confusion as to where she picked up this latest toddler-ism, Silly Mummy can confirm that it has been conclusively traced to Justin’s House. Silly Mummy can only assume that Justin Fletcher does proceed to tell the audience something, but The Toddler is probably searching for imaginary jam by that point. (http://risforhoppit.uk/jam/)
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me