Malevolent Goblin on the Shelf: An Alternative Guide for Those Scared of the Elf

23-elf-shelf-w1200-h630December is here again. The count down to Christmas. The magic, the wonder, the anticipation, the cold sweats, the paranoia, the mind-numbing terror… Yes, IT’S BACK. The sweet Christmas tradition/horror story apparition that is the Elf on the Shelf.

Whilst the brave out there happily place the nefarious imp in cute toilet fishing poses, and share ever more ambitious fun activities for the malevolent goblin to engage in, I am presenting an alternative list of Elf on the Shelf suggestions. So, here it is: my line up of daily Elf on the Shelf activities for those among us who are outright terrified of the evil, creepy little critter.

*Keep this list well hidden. We meet in secret, under cover of darkness. Do not use real names. HE’S WATCHING US. And I think he possesses powers of mind control: keep your mind blank. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM.*

 
 
Day 1

Position Elf in a cute pose with Elsa. Tell Elsa if Elf makes any sudden moves, freeze him.

 
Day 2

Put Elf in a drawer. If the drawer starts calling your name in the night, do not open it.

 
Day 3

Hide knives.

 
Day 4

Put Elf and Barbie in a toy car at the ‘drive in’ (i.e. in front of the TV). Give Barbie some mace.

 
Day 5

Send Elf to see a forensic psychiatrist (Donald Pleasence from Halloween, preferably) – he may be redeemable.

 
Day 6

Put Elf in a strait jacket after forensic psychiatrist says he’s dead behind the eyes.

 
Day 7

Position Elf anywhere in the house. Move house.

 
Day 8

Pose Elf as though he is having a bath. Fill bath with holy water.

 
Day 9

Find a corner to sit in. Rock backwards and forwards, muttering, ‘Please don’t hurt me. Oh god, please don’t hurt me!’

 
Day 10

Put Elf outside. Change locks.

 
Day 11

Set up CCTV, just in case.

 
Day 12

Obtain a sample of DNA from Elf. Familial testing might prove a link to Chucky.

 
Day 13

Serve Elf with a restraining order.

 
Day 14

Write to Father Christmas about Elf. Threaten a diplomatic incident with the North Pole if he doesn’t stop sending spies.

 
Day 15

Take up witchcraft. Position Elf in chalk circle on the floor to bind the evil spirit.

 
Day 16

Call the Ghostbusters. Worth a try.

 
Day 17

Find Elf grinning maniacally with his head stuck through an axe hole in a door. Call an exorcist when you realise that you did not put him there.

 
Day 18

Sleep with the light on. Do this every night, in fact.

 
Day 19

Give Elf a haircut. So that you can look for the Mark of the Beast on his scalp.

 
Day 20

Obtain a Batman on the Shelf to watch the Elf on the Shelf.

 
Day 21

Ask Father Christmas for a panic room.

 
Day 22

Put a stake through Elf’s heart.

 
Day 23

Decapitate Elf.

 
Day 24

Burn Elf and bury ashes in multiple different locations.

 
 
Finally, delete all social media accounts before Girl from the Ring on the Shelf becomes a Christmas trend.

26 comments

  1. Talya says:

    Hahaha love this! We have never engaged with the elf because quite frankly he probably would be decapitated in an instant in this house lol! Thanks for making me chuckle & linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

  2. Jaimee says:

    hahaha this is brilliant! I have no one else but myself to blame for starting this tradition. I was one of the first in my group of friends. Big mistake Huge lol.

  3. Position Elf anywhere in the house. Move house.
    Obtain a sample of DNA from Elf. Familial testing might prove a link to Chucky.
    Call the Ghostbusters. Worth a try.
    HAHAHAHHAHA – ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!

    Not done the elf on the shelf yet… and after reading this one, don’t think I will anytime soon;)
    #FridayFrolics

  4. Helen says:

    Haha, poor Elf! Although the whole idea creeps me out. I bought a baby Annabelle, that’s bad enough, she’s watching me all the time! #FridayFrolics

  5. Baby Anon says:

    Ha ha ha! I don’t know much about this elf thing, but I do know it’s bloody scary. Your suggestions to move house, install CCTV and sleep with the light on made me laugh, and to be honest, sound like good advice. Creepy thing #FridayFrolics

  6. Ok. We did the elf for a few years. He nearly ruined our lives so each and every scenario you describe are simply delectable. We had him disappear one year and I kept him in the box, on reserve. Told the kids that he must have gone to some other house where kids were making bad (worse) choices than you… Then, off to Goodwill. He’s gone forever. But his memories unfortunately live on in a PTSD kind of way….Love this post! #FridayFrolics

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