My Name Is Silly Mummy, and I Am a Rubbish Birth Planner

birth-961805_1920I have seen lots of birth plans. Lovely birth plans. Birth plans made by people who have conscientiously researched and deliberated in order to plan for the best birth possible. Hypnobirthing, home water births, doulas. I’m very impressed by these plans, but they do make me wonder if there are other people like me out there. People who didn’t exactly, well, bother.

Am I the only person whose interest in the birth plan was somewhat, um, limited? Anyone? Rubbish pregnant women of the world: unite! Please.

Maybe I’m a bit negative, or a bit lazy, but it seemed to me that the birth was going to happen anyway, and be unpleasant anyway, so I kind of didn’t bother much with the plans for it.

My birth plan was primarily for the baby to exit my person. Preferably without anaesthetics (I’m scared of anaesthetics).

Now, I’m not entirely useless: I did give some consideration to the details. In so far as I filled out the NHS birth plan you can get online. Well, I say I filled it out. For the most part, I looked at it and thought, ‘How should I bloody know if I will want a ball, or am going to stand up? I don’t know what I’ll feel like at the time.’

My birth plans therefore read as follows: don’t know, don’t know, don’t know, NO EPIDURAL, don’t know, don’t know, don’t care, couldn’t give a rat’s arse, yes to random injections for everyone as required (as long as they’re not secretly epidurals), don’t care, don’t know.

To my knowledge, no one ever looked at my birth plans, so I’m quite glad I didn’t make the effort. As it turns out, to the extent that I made birth plans, they were entirely realistic and followed to a tee – the babies came out. That’s a win for the rubbish pregnant women, right? Right?

 
 
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17 comments

  1. Laura says:

    Solidarity! Me too!

    My birth plan was along the lines of “let me walk around. Epi please. Yes to jabs and such. Give me my baby when she’s born tah”

    I figured I can’t control it. I’d never done it before and if I tried to plan it I would only be disappointed.

    Didn’t get my epi though HAHA didn’t have time

  2. Mrs Tubbs says:

    This is so true! My plan was for the baby to leave safely and quickly by whatever means the doctor’s felt was in the best interests of both of us.

    Birth plans always made me laugh because a) nothing ever really goes to plan and b) someone with actual medical qualifications knows far more about the process than the Internet, my bestie or …

  3. Gary says:

    Chalk this one up to reason #1261 it’s great to be a dude :). Birth plans really? How did women ever have kids back in the day? Your approach has worked since the invention of sex, why ruin a good thing?

  4. I had no birth plan – I decided they were pointless and I’m so glad I thought like that as 2 out of the 3 times I’ve done it, only 1 was ok and would’ve allowed me to follow said plan (had I bothered my arse to make one!) ??
    You’re not alone. And then exiting your person safely and swiftly is the aim of the game as you say!x

  5. Jane Taylor says:

    Lol. I love this. I know what you mean…But I do remember adding some additional notes that gave me ‘mum guilt’ even before the baby arrived…’NO I DO NOT WANT TO TOUCH THE BABY’S HEAD WHEN IT CROWNS’!! ‘PLEASE CAN YOU WASH BABY AND GET GOO AND BLOOD OFF THEM BEFORE PASSING THEM TO ME’…Well, I probably phrased it more subtly than that but I am really squeamish so while my husband was at the other end doing an impression of ‘David Attenborough’ and staring in fascination at the ‘undergrowth for the appearance of a new species.’ I was trying not to think about whether I had pooped. I was also wishing I hadn’t decided to remove my bra AFTER the epidural because the ugly greying pregnancy bra was now hanging from the IV line for all to see!!!

    Love this font by the way!
    #TwinkleTuesdays

  6. I never had one! They never go to plan anyway… I think telling your husband/partner/whoever what you want is probably going to be more useful than writing it down anyway. A piece of paper isn’t going to remind the midwife is it!

    You aren’t rubbish, just sensible my dear!

    #chucklemums

  7. Saffy says:

    I didn’t want an epidural either (scared) and managed not to, but then baby’s head was so ginormous it’s exit caused operation-needing fixing. So I had to have one AFTER I’d done all the ow-y bits. Most unfair. Thanks for linking again, we <3 you! #chucklemums

  8. This is great! I, actually a big believer in having aspirations for the birth ‘experience’ but not so much a plan! I read the NHS form but didn’t fill it it…i felt all under pressure and didn’t understand and also pretty confident that no one would read it! I just made sure I was with people who would create the birth environment I wanted but that’s a bit different #chucklemums

  9. Lianne says:

    I agree, with my last, all I knew I wanted was a water birth if possible & to have skin on skin afterwards & for my OH to cut the cord. Everything else I would just go with the flow. I got my water birth but he decided to come out with his arm by his head (superman style) so I had to give birth standing up then they had to take him away quick as he wasn’t breathing so I didnt get skin on skin straight away or for my OH to cut the cord, but when it comes down to it, needs must!! #bestandworst

  10. I sheepishly asked my wife if we had a “birth plan” expecting to get lectured on how I never pay attention to anything important. Her response was “WTF is a birth plan?” I guess we didn’t spend much time on it either!

  11. I can’t say that my birth plan actually went according to plan..it was crazy and perfect all the same. As a teacher, I thought I would be able to plan what happened, but like parenthood, life had other ideas.

  12. Eb Gargano says:

    Hahaha – this made me smile. Before my son was born I wrote a beautiful birth plan which I thought very hard about…and then my baby was born at the side of the road, in my husband’s car, delivered by my husband with no medically trained people anywhere near and no pain relief – strangely none of that was on my birth plan!! Eb x

  13. I had a loose one but the same as you: no epidural and I wanted to be at home for as long as possible. Luckily I got that but I was ready for anything that could go wrong, hence didn’t want a firm plan written down. I think it’s best: you don’t get upset if all goes wrong!! Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

  14. I never made a birth plan for any of my 3 kids except for the first to say no epidural which I got in the end anyway after 24hrs of labour & 2cm dilation. I think it’s pretty pointless as we need to be able to change our minds during labour! If someone asked if I’d like to be hit in the head with a frying pan I’m sure I would have said yes! Good luck with the BiBs lovely. Thanks so much for linking up with #bloggerclubuk x

  15. Jenny says:

    Oh yes I totally am with you. Birth plans hardly ever go as “planned” you never know how it will go until you are there and just knowing what your options are when the time comes was good enough for me. I didn’t make one for either of my babies and they both came so fast it would have been a waste either way, twice over. I think some people it just gives them peace of mind leading up to it but it can also put more pressure on them because when it doesn’t go as planned they panic or get anxiety about it not going their way I think that’s more stressful than anything. Great post. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

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