It’s that time again: The Toddler is chattering away in the Ten Funniest Things feature.
Over to The Toddler:
1. On small talk
The Toddler has taken up small talk. Specifically, she is enquiring as to how people slept. Silly Mummy comes downstairs. The Toddler bounds over: ‘You sleep well?’ On another morning, having heard the Silly Parents discussing The Baby’s restless night, The Toddler approaches The Baby: ‘You not sleep very well, The Baby?’ The Baby is so tired from her bad night, she can’t even be bothered to make polite small talk back.
2. On The Baby, looking at The Toddler when The Toddler is talking to her
The Toddler has been getting involved in disciplining The Baby again. This time, she has been addressing The Baby’s noisiness with a firm hand: ‘Don’t shout. Don’t shout. Look at me, The Baby. Don’t shout.’ Yes, The Baby, look at The Toddler when she is hypocritically telling you off for being half as noisy as she is.
3. On Silly Mummy, being a naughty wolf
The Toddler has developed a three stage plan for dealing with Silly Mummy on those occasions when Silly Mummy insists on saying things The Toddler does not like. Stage one consists of a simple: ‘Go away!’ Should Silly Mummy, despite clear instruction, fail to go away, The Toddler will progress to stage two: ‘Roar!’ In the very unlikely event that being roared at does not dispatch Silly Mummy, stage three will be enacted: ‘Go away! You’re the naughty wolf!’ Didn’t work for the three little pigs, not working for The Toddler. Besides, Silly Wolfy Mummy is not the one roaring.
4. On ages
In honour of The Baby’s birthday, The Toddler has been considering age. Silly Mummy asks, ‘How old is The Baby?’
This is an easy one. The Toddler answers immediately: ‘Three!’
‘She’s not three. She’s one, isn’t she? And do you know how old you are?’
This is obviously a bit harder, The Toddler being older than The Baby. She thinks about it and answers, ‘Fourteen!’ Not that much older, The Toddler. What a random number to pick. The Toddler, very diplomatically, refused to answer questions about how old Silly Daddy is at all.
5. On the naughty step (literally on it)
The Toddler is on the naughty step. She is not happy about it. There is muttering: ‘Me not want go naughty step. Me want play. Me want shopping basket.’ The Baby is waddling about near the living room door. The Toddler can be heard in the hallway whispering, ‘Come get me, The Baby. The Baby…’ When The Baby inexplicably fails to fetch The Toddler, The Toddler raises her voice again: ‘I don’t want to sit on here! Me don’t want sit on naughty step! Me don’t want sit on naughty step! Me told you don’t sit on naughty step! Me want get down! THAT’S NOT FAIR!’
6. On being creepy
Silly Mummy is putting The Toddler to bed. The Toddler suddenly leans her face in really close to Silly Mummy and whispers, ‘Mummy, don’t go to sleep at all.’ Well, there is a good chance Silly Mummy won’t following that creepy horror film worthy exchange, thank you.
7. On having ideas
The Toddler’s new phrase for this week is: ‘I’ve got an idea!’ It rarely seems to be followed by any indication of actually having an idea, but it’s a nice phrase nonetheless.
8. On herself, how silly of her
The Toddler has recently moved from cot to bed. After a few days of perfect behaviour, she realised you can get out of a bed. And that there are books in her room. Thereafter, The Toddler was to be found, each nap and bed time, sitting in a pile of books and turning plug sockets on and off. Silly Mummy eventually had some success one nap time with letting The Toddler have books in the bed, on the agreement that she must not leave the bed. She fell asleep amidst the books quite happily. Silly Daddy was informed of the new technique. At the weekend, Silly Daddy put The Toddler down for her nap. Silly Daddy went out. The Toddler started crashing around her room. Silly Mummy found her once again out of bed, surrounded by books. Specifically, putting book sleeves into the bin. The Toddler assured Silly Mummy that Silly Daddy had told her she could have books, but had not said she had to stay in bed. Upon his return, The Toddler’s assurances are relayed to Silly Daddy. Silly Daddy categorically states that The Toddler was definitely told she must stay in bed. The Toddler shrugs, the picture of innocence: ‘Oh…silly me!’
9. On The Baby’s food, putting into gobby gob
The Toddler has a new method for encouraging The Baby to eat her food. The method involves holding out the food to The Baby and insisting, ‘The Baby, put that in your gobby gob. No, put it in your gobby gob.’ To be honest, it isn’t really any more effective than any other method for getting food into The Baby’s gobby gob. But it is funnier.
10. On being stuck
The Toddler has fashioned her binoculars into a harness. She is very pleased with this invention, and heads to the door. Presumably to take herself for a walk. Halfway there she remembers that she has something else very important to do instead. Walk abandoned, The Toddler tries to get out of her binoculars/harness, but finds they are tangled in her dress. She notifies Silly Mummy of the situation: ‘It’s only gone and got stuck.’
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair