Tagged baby

Say Hello to My Little Friend: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

gift-1306852_1280It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, where The Toddler is Al Pacino, The Baby is Kevin Costner, and everyone else is ‘Grandad’.

Presenting The Toddler:

1. On ‘say hello to my little friend’

The Toddler is waving her cutlery around and talking to it: ‘They can be friends. Hello, friends.’
Silly Mummy giggles, and starts quoting The Inbetweeners to Silly Daddy: ‘Ooh, friends, cutlery friends!’
The Toddler, meanwhile, has her own quote, suddenly yelling: ‘Say hello to my little…’
Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy stare at each other. She surely can’t be about to entirely inadvertently quote Scarface?
‘…Dominoes!’
Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy collapse in hysterics. So near, and yet so…dominoes.

2. On the purple one

The Toddler has a question: ‘Can you tell me about the purple one?’
Silly Mummy is not entirely sure what The Toddler is talking about, and asks for some simple clarification: ‘What’s the purple one? What does it look like?’
The Toddler has got this: ‘It’s green. And it looks a bit like red.’ Oh. That purple one.

3. On mixed emotions

The Toddler is feeling a bit conflicted: ‘I really like this, but I really don’t like it so much.’

4. On presents

The Toddler is counting tea cups from her tea set with Silly Daddy. She is deliberately doing it wrongly. Silly Daddy informs her that she can have a present if she does it properly. The Toddler counts the cups properly. She awaits her present. Silly Daddy presents her with…the tea cups. The Toddler sighs and rolls her eyes: ‘You tricked me!’ She approaches Silly Daddy, holding out the tea cups. Presumably, she is returning the trick gift? Apparently not: ‘Can you wrap them?’

5. On The Baby, Kevin Costner

The Toddler likes to keep The Baby gainfully employed. Today, The Baby is apparently The Toddler’s bodyguard: ‘You have to stay with me, The Baby. It’s very dangerous out there, so you’ll have to keep an eye on me.’

6. On playing with Silly Daddy

Silly Daddy is tidying away toys. The Toddler and The Baby are ‘helping’. The Toddler comes to report to Silly Mummy in the kitchen: ‘Mummy, we are playing something with Daddy!’
‘Really? What are you playing?’
The Toddler considers: ‘Well…we’ve got no toys…’ When you put it like that, this sounds like the worst game ever.

7. On eating dinner

Silly Daddy is trying to get The Toddler to finish her dinner: ‘You have to eat your vegetables.’
The Toddler has a better idea: ‘Okay, you can eat the rest of it and I’ll watch.’

8. On the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe

Silly Mummy is reading the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe nursery rhyme to The Toddler. The Toddler is scandalised at the old lady’s actions: ‘Sent them to bed?! Outrageous!’

9. On noise

The Toddler is yelling at Silly Mummy: ‘THIS IS NOT ACTUAL NOISY! THIS IS PRETENDING NOISY!’ We need to work on the definition of ‘pretend’. And ‘noise’.

10. On playing nicely

The Toddler and The Baby are busy. The Toddler informs Silly Mummy: ‘I’m playing a game with The Baby, Mummy.’
‘Well, that’s nice. What game are you playing?’
‘Throwing things at her.’
Well, that’s not nice.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Silly Family are visiting Grandma. So are Auntie and Baby Cousin. The Baby sometimes doesn’t know people’s names, but she has a ‘fit all’ name that she knows will always get her out of trouble. Auntie is leaving the room. The Baby watches her go: ‘Where’s Grandad gone?’ Yep, social etiquette 101: if you forget someone’s name, you can’t go wrong with ‘Grandad’.

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 
Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are open until 31st July. If you find me at all amusing, I would love nominations in the Best Comic Writer category. Nominating is very simple by following the link above. Thank you for reading my shameless begging.

 
 

ethannevelyn

A Quick Guide to the Blog

blog-headerDespite knowing it was The Toddler’s birthday (and receiving due thanks), I managed to miss my birthday. Well, not my birthday, but the blog’s birthday. It was last month. Just before The Toddler’s, in fact. As discussed, I knew it was The Toddler’s birthday, so probably should have been able to remember the blog’s birthday. But I didn’t. Too late now. Let it Go, as we DO NOT sing in this house.

Having entirely failed to write a first birthday post for the blog, I have decided to write an introductory/guide post for the blog instead. This is it, by the way. It’s an inauspicious start to such a post, admittedly. It may get better. It may not. There’s only one way to find out.

The blog started when The Toddler was about to turn two, and The Baby was eight months old, It began its life as a series of humorous posts about things The Toddler said and did. Occasionally The Baby was involved. The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week series was quickly born, and is fairly self explanatory. Recently, the series has gained a ‘Baby’s Corner’ section for the now chatty Baby.

Of course, over the year, the blog has evolved somewhat. The Baby is now also a toddler. A change of names for them is therefore long overdue, and was even planned (there was a vote and everything), but it turns out I’m quite attached to the original names. The central tenets of humour and toddlers remain. The Ten Funniest Things feature continues, as do some posts documenting The Toddler’s exploits. They frequently seem to involve her slightly concerning adventures as a doctor-hairdresser (she does think that’s a thing). Her efforts trick or treating at Halloween were a particular highlight for me.

However, you will now also find my attempts at witty observations on life with toddlers, lessons from physics to art via mathematics as brought to you by toddlers, tips on crafts and baking with toddlers for those failing at Pinterest (and motherhood), and the occasional parody (these may not be my strong point). Oh, and Christmas. So excited was the blog about Christmas, it really should have its own category (the parodies may have gone into overdrive). There is even the very occasional serious post tucked in there.

You can select categories of posts from the drop down menus along the top of the blog. These are separated into funny and serious posts, and then further subcategories (lists, The Toddler, The Baby, Randoms…). The Toddler Lessons and Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said series can both be found under funny posts. If you would like to follow me on social media, the links can also be found along the top.

 
 
So, that is a summary of what you can find on the blog. If you decide to stick around, I hope you enjoy the surreal ramblings and eccentric toddlers on offer.

 
 
If you want a selection of favourite/popular posts from a completely biased source (me), you could take a look at a few from the list below.

 
Toddler Lessons Series

My favourites are probably Toddler Art or Toddler Literature, the most viewed is Toddler Laws of Physics.

 
Favourite Funnies

Game Show Skills Acquired by Parents of Toddlers

The Toddler West

Toddler Proverbs

Slogans for World War Terrible Twos

Toddler Interior Design Tips

No one Expects The Toddler Inquisition: Toddler Torture Methods

How (Not) to Make an Easter Nest With Toddlers

The Toddler Riddle

The Toddler Highway Code

The Sheriff of Downing Street: Have We Regressed to the Middle Ages?

 
Favourite Serious Posts

Only the Weak Are Cruel

Why Breast v Formula Should Not Be a Debate

Thank You For Knowing It’s My Birthday: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

birthday-874783_1920It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things Feature. The Toddler is pleased Silly Mummy knew it was her birthday, while The Baby won’t be tricked into admitting anything.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On her birthday, remembered

It’s The Toddler’s third birthday. She has just had her breakfast, and is about to start opening presents, when she turns to Silly Mummy and politely declares: ‘Thank you for knowing it’s my birthday.’ (A further sweet thank you for knowing it was her birthday has been repeated most days since.)

2. On drawing, mandatory

The Silly Family are out for dinner. The Toddler is doing some colouring while she waits for her food. The waiter brings over the food and apologises: ‘Sorry for the wait.’
The Toddler looks at him and gestures at her paper: ‘I had to draw a lovely picture.’ Yes, look what The Toddler was driven to. Are you happy now, Waiter? She was forced to draw a lovely picture here. Because of you.

3. On Grandma, allowed to read

Grandma is visiting and it is The Toddler’s bedtime. The Toddler is objecting to going to bed while Grandma is downstairs. Silly Mummy asks: ‘Do you want Grandma to read you a book?’
The Toddler is in full sulky mode: ‘No!’ She stomps up the stairs. Halfway up she relents, grudgingly: ‘Oh, alright. If I must, Grandma can read a book.’

4. On abandoning ships

The Toddler has found a way to add some much needed drama to the simple act of getting off the sofa. She clambers down, yelling, ‘Abandon ship!’

5. On becoming a doctor

The Toddler is going to be seeing Grandad later. Silly Mummy has been explaining that Grandad might not play The Toddler’s chasing game because he has a bad knee. A short time later, The Toddler is on her toy phone: ‘Hello, is that Doctor Brown Bear?…Okay…Yes…Bye.’ The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy: ‘I called Doctor Brown Bear, and he has made me the doctor so I can look after Grandad’s leg.’

6. On her recorder

The Toddler has got a recorder. She is pleased with it: ‘I love my recorder so much. I ever don’t want to take it back to Tescos!’ (The recorder didn’t actually come from Tesco – The Toddler thinks all shops are Tesco.)

7. On seeing friends, on the side

The Toddler is going to an interactive play centre with her Little Friend. However, suspicions are raised that The Toddler may actually be cheating on another toddler friend, when she announces: ‘Today we’re going to see Little Friend on the side!’

8. On hair brushing

The Toddler is stalking Silly Mummy, ominously brandishing a hairbrush: ‘Now, do you want your hair brushed?’ No, not really. The Toddler proceeds regardless. It appears she has noticed that her clients are not always happy with the hair brushing service they receive: ‘And no shouting while I’m brushing your hair.’

9. On Silly Mummy, a bother

The Toddler is on her toy phone, as usual calling ‘Grandma’: ‘Hello, Grandma? Mummy’s a bit of a bother.’ The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘Aren’t you, Mummy?’ Rude, frankly.

10. On The Baby, her little face

The Toddler has formulated a cunning plan for situations in which she has been asked to stop doing something: exploit The Baby. Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler not to do any more forward flips. The Toddler implores: ‘But look at The Baby’s little face. She so wants to do some more!’ (The Baby is not at all interested – she wasn’t doing flips in the first place. Her little face is ambivalent/bemused.)

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby is cuddling her bear, Wilberforce. She approaches Silly Mummy and Grandad, clutching Wilberforce happily. Grandad asks: ‘Have you got Wilberforce?’
The Baby is concerned. This is probably a trick. She should not admit to anything. She sneakily flings Wilberforce across the room and answers the question: ‘No!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 

Diary of an imperfect mum

My Name Is Silly Mummy, and I Am a Rubbish Birth Planner

birth-961805_1920I have seen lots of birth plans. Lovely birth plans. Birth plans made by people who have conscientiously researched and deliberated in order to plan for the best birth possible. Hypnobirthing, home water births, doulas. I’m very impressed by these plans, but they do make me wonder if there are other people like me out there. People who didn’t exactly, well, bother.

Am I the only person whose interest in the birth plan was somewhat, um, limited? Anyone? Rubbish pregnant women of the world: unite! Please.

Maybe I’m a bit negative, or a bit lazy, but it seemed to me that the birth was going to happen anyway, and be unpleasant anyway, so I kind of didn’t bother much with the plans for it.

My birth plan was primarily for the baby to exit my person. Preferably without anaesthetics (I’m scared of anaesthetics).

Now, I’m not entirely useless: I did give some consideration to the details. In so far as I filled out the NHS birth plan you can get online. Well, I say I filled it out. For the most part, I looked at it and thought, ‘How should I bloody know if I will want a ball, or am going to stand up? I don’t know what I’ll feel like at the time.’

My birth plans therefore read as follows: don’t know, don’t know, don’t know, NO EPIDURAL, don’t know, don’t know, don’t care, couldn’t give a rat’s arse, yes to random injections for everyone as required (as long as they’re not secretly epidurals), don’t care, don’t know.

To my knowledge, no one ever looked at my birth plans, so I’m quite glad I didn’t make the effort. As it turns out, to the extent that I made birth plans, they were entirely realistic and followed to a tee – the babies came out. That’s a win for the rubbish pregnant women, right? Right?

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

That’s Bonkers: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

baby-215867_1280It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and we’re a little bonkers (but all the best people are). This week, The Toddler would like you to stop fussing, while The Baby would like it to be known that this post is hers, not yours.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, too fussy

The Toddler has decided to pour her water onto her toast to ‘cool it down’. Silly Mummy objects to this plan of action. The Toddler thinks Silly Mummy is overreacting: ‘Oh Mummy, stop fussing, Mummy! I always pour water.’ (She does not in fact always pour water on her toast. This idea has not been trialed before.)

2. On Silly Mummy’s suggestions, bonkers

Silly Mummy has made a suggestion that The Toddler has some doubts about. Doubts that she subtly voices: ‘That’s bonkers!’

3. On cleaning the bathroom

The Toddler likes Silly Mummy to do cleaning and tidying in the bathroom while she has a bath. She is in her bath: ‘Mummy, can you do the cleaning?’
Silly Mummy knows her place: ‘Yes, I’ll get right on to it.’
The Toddler nods, and picks up her duck: ‘And I’ll get right on to toys.’
Silly Mummy can’t help but feel that she has drawn the short straw here in the division of labour. Nonetheless, the cleaning and tidying is started. A short while later, Silly Mummy declares: ‘Right, I’ve finished the cleaning.’
The Toddler looks around: ‘You need to do it again.’

4. On being angry

Silly Mummy has told The Toddler she can’t do something, and The Toddler is not happy: ‘I’m very, very angry, and I’m going to throw Mummy away!’

5. On changing her mind

The Toddler has been asked to come to the bathroom. Halfway there, she changes her mind and suddenly stops, announcing: ‘I think not.’ With that, The Toddler marches back to the living room.

6. On making tea

The Toddler has made Silly Mummy a nice (*ahem*) cup of tea: ‘Mummy, I’ve just made you a cup of tea…and there’s a scrambled egg in it. But it’s a bit dirty.’

7. On being informed

Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler to see if The Baby wants to eat her dinner. The Toddler reports back: ‘She’s been formed into me, no.’ (Silly Mummy thinks that’s ‘informed me’.)

8. On her day, not good

The Toddler has received some bad news. She is not allowed to pour bath water all over the bathroom. She admonishes Silly Mummy, the bearer of this news: ‘I’m not having a good day with you, Mummy.’

9. On dealing with estate agents

The Toddler is ‘helping’ the estate agent who is at the house. By talking to him incessantly while he tries to get on with his job. Silly Mummy attempts to intervene: ‘The Toddler, can you go and watch Ben and Holly, please?’
The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘No, I’m just dealing with something. You watch Ben and Holly.’

10. On Abney and Teal, bonking

Silly Mummy enters the living room, to be confronted by The Toddler shouting, ‘Mummy, are they bonking? Are they bonking?’ Erm, what?! Hasty investigation from Silly Mummy establishes that The Toddler is talking about Abney and Teal on CBeebies. Who are bouncing. Bouncing.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby has learnt the phrase ‘mine, not yours’ (Silly Mummy can’t imagine who she might have learnt that from). She is now in the toy aisle at the supermarket, chatting with other children. Okay, not chatting, exactly. More waiting until they touch a toy, and then pointing her finger at them and yelling: ‘Mine, not yours!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 

My Random Musings

The Egg Hunt

easter-nest-1162973_1920Girls, would you like to do an egg hunt? You would? Okay, Mummy will hide these eggs around the living room, and then you can come and look for them. You go out into the corridor with Daddy while Mummy hides eggs. No, don’t look at what Mummy’s doing, stay out there with Daddy. No, The Baby, Mummy’s hiding things – go back to Daddy. No, put that down, The Baby. Go back to Daddy. Good girl. No looking, either of you.

Okay, Mummy has hidden the eggs, you can come back into the living room now, and…No, wait a minute, Mummy is still talking. Come here. Here are your bags – put your eggs in here when you find them…No, wait a minute. There are five eggs each. Okay, go and look. See if you can find them.

Well done, The Toddler. Put that in your bag. The Baby, The Toddler has found an egg over here. Do you think there’s one for you too? Come and look. No, The Toddler, let The Baby look. Come on, The Baby, what’s over here? The Toddler, let The Baby look! Well done, The Baby. Put that in your bag.

Okay, let’s see if The Baby can find where some eggs are hidden. No, The Toddler, let The Baby look first this time. The Baby, where would you like to look? Perhaps you would like to look here, The Baby? No, here. Lie down here and look under there. Not you, The Toddler. Lie down, The Baby. Look under here. No, here. No, look this way. Oh, well done, The Baby. Put that in your bag. Can you see one too, The Toddler? Well done.

Okay, The Toddler’s turn to look for where the eggs are hiding. Where could they be? You already looked there, didn’t you? Shall we look somewhere you haven’t looked? No, that’s the same place. Let’s try somewhere completely different. How about here? Yes, just here. Oh, you found an egg – imagine that! Can you find an egg too, The Baby? Yes, that’s Peppa Pig. Can you see an egg? The Baby? Put down Peppa. Here, look: here’s your egg. Put it in your bag.

Where would you like to look for an egg now, The Baby? The Baby, where are you going? Come back: we’re looking for eggs! Not you, The Toddler, it’s the baby’s turn. Oh, you found one. Okay. Let’s see if The Baby can find the other one, then. No, let her look. No, let The Ba…Never mind. Put that in The Baby’s bag for her.

Okay, girls, let’s find the last pair of eggs. Where could they be? You already looked there, The Toddler. Try somewhere else. Yes, The Baby, those are eggs. But they’re in your bag – you already found those ones. Shall we look over here? Just here. Right here. Shall we look in this teapot? This teapot here. Shall we look at these eggs right here? These eggs. The ones I’m holding out. These might be the eggs. I’ll put them in your bags. Well done, you found all the eggs. Wasn’t that fun?

We Have a Problem: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time, where The Toddler is arranging sight-seeing trips and lamenting having the wrong head. Meanwhile, in her corner, The Baby has developed an unintentional attitude.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On problems, urgent Baby assistance required
The Toddler is on the phone. She is phoning The Baby. The Baby is in her castle, on the other side of the room, obviously. Apparently, there is an emergency situation for The Baby to deal with: ‘The Baby, come quick! We have a problem…Someone has done something.’ Yes, sometimes The Toddler’s dramatic streak starts something it can’t finish. In a testament to The Baby’s willingness to assist her sister, she actually does come running for that rather vague anti-climax.

2. On being Snow White, not having the right head
The Toddler is dressed in her Snow White costume, but she has identified a problem with it: ‘I’m looking like Snow White, but I haven’t got a Snow White head!’

3. On The Baby’s food, eating it
Silly Mummy, The Toddler, The Baby and Grandma are at a cafe. The Toddler and The Baby are sharing a sandwich. However, The Baby is currently asleep, and her part is waiting for her. The Toddler has finished her own share and is now eyeing up The Baby’s share. As the sandwich was cut into three pieces originally, Silly Mummy decides The Toddler can eat The Baby’s half of the third piece (The Baby rarely eats as much as The Toddler anyway). The Toddler approves of this decision: ‘I’m sure The Baby won’t mind.’ The Toddler subsequently relents, and feels like she should leave a bit for The Baby: ‘The Baby can have a tiny little bit. That’s for The Baby.’ The Toddler sets aside the tiniest imaginable piece. Then she picks it up again and eats half of the tiny piece. She puts the remaining morsel back on the plate, before reaching for it once more: ‘Try a bit more of it.’ She eats the rest of The Baby’s tiny share. The Baby is apparently not getting her tiny little bit. The Baby is going to be lucky to get any sandwich at all, as The Toddler points at the remaining third of the sandwich – The Baby’s share – and declares: ‘That one’s for me!’

4. On her new single
The Toddler is thrilled to reveal her new single to the world: ‘So, what I’m going to sing is a new one. It’s called Going on the Step.’ As it turns out, this is less of a song and more of an interpretative dance, as The Toddler promptly (and silently) runs off to the step.

5. On castle building
The Toddler has plans, but she is not entirely confident about them: ‘I’m going to build a big castle. But I’m not very good at these things. But I can try.’

6. On anyone, not there
The Toddler is on the phone, but it appears no one else is: ”Hello? Is anyone there? No. Anyone isn’t there.’

7. On knowing what she’s doing
The Toddler is rushing up the stairs, and Silly Mummy warns her to be careful. The Toddler pooh poohs Silly Mummy’s concerns: ‘I will be careful. I know what I’m doing.’

8. On Lady Mummy
Silly Mummy has a new name, apparently. The Toddler dashes over: ‘Hi, Lady. Lady, what can I do for you? Thanks, bye, Lady!’

9. On toast, no time to lose
Silly Mummy has just informed The Toddler that her toast is ready. This is something The Toddler takes very seriously: ‘The toast is ready! Quick! No time to lose!’

10. On sight-seeing
The Toddler is trying to arrange a sight-seeing trip for The Baby: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s go and look at the view.’ The Baby seems underwhelmed. Possibly because the ‘view’ The Toddler is excitedly encouraging The Baby to come an inspect is…the sofa.

 
The Baby’s Corner
The Toddler is refusing to eat her dinner. Silly Daddy wants her to eat her dinner: ‘The Toddler, take a bite.’
The Baby wants to join in. She wants to take a bite. She nearly gets it right: ‘Bite me!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Off With My Head: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time again for the Ten Funniest Things feature. This week, The Toddler is a strict disciplinarian with a boring cough. Meanwhile, over in The Baby’s corner, she has certainly not been shopping for dinner.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On discovering and doing

The Toddler is listening to the Cbeebies Discover and Do song, and she objects.
Cbeebies presenter (singing): ‘Discover and do, discover and do, all the day through…’
The Toddler: ‘No, I don’t want to do that!’

2. On discipline

The Toddler is attempting to discipline The Baby again. The Baby is being escorted towards the naughty step: ‘You stay there for 100 years!’ That seems a little excessive. Silly Mummy thinks that The Toddler is now taking her disciplinary procedures from Maleficent.

3. On her head, off with it

The Toddler is also taking quite an extreme approach to disciplining herself (and entirely misunderstanding the methods of the Queen of Hearts), as she marches around the living room, yelling: ‘Off with MY head!’
(Henry VIII would not have got through nearly so many wives if he’d taken that approach…)

4. On being busy

The Baby is trying to show The Toddler something, but The Toddler is very busy: ‘I have no time for this, The Baby, at moment. I have important work to do.’

5. On coughs, boring

The Toddler is coughing, but is under no illusions as to how interesting this is: ‘My cough is bit boring.’

6. On lollipops, licey

The Toddler is offering tasty treats to the household today: ‘Do you want some lice lollipop? You lick it.’

7. On Silly Mummy, what she wants

A very generous The Toddler is offering Silly Mummy items of her choice. Anything Silly Mummy wants, apparently. The Toddler is not taking no for an answer. She’s quite insistent.
The Toddler: ‘What do you want?’
Silly Mummy: ‘Nothing, thank you.’
The Toddler: ‘Do you want something else?’
Silly Mummy: ‘No, thank you, I don’t need anything.’
The Toddler: ‘What do you want?’
Silly Mummy: ‘Nothing, thank you very much, sweetheart.’
The Toddler (after a pause): ‘…What do you want then?’

8. On biscuits v pirate ships

The Toddler is attempting to comfort a crying The Baby. With a frankly bizarre range of choices: ‘Do you want biccy or pirate ship?’

9. On The Baby, very rude

The Baby is running around with the roof from The Toddler’s wooden train, and The Toddler is scandalised: ‘I think The Baby took it away from my train. Cos The Baby was very rude to me!’

10. On books, too froggy

The Toddler and The Baby have a bath book featuring a duck and a frog. The Toddler has it and The Baby wants to take a look. The Toddler feels this is not a good idea. She has some concerns about unsuitable frog-related content: ‘It’s not good for you, The Baby: it’s too froggy.’

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby has been to the supermarket with Silly Daddy, and now she is waiting in her highchair for dinner. Silly Mummy is chatting with her: ‘Did you go shopping with Daddy? What did you get?’
The Toddler interjects: ‘The Baby got all the recipes for the din dins.’
The Baby does not agree, she shakes her head vigorously and waves her hands about: ‘No! No!’
Silly Mummy asks for confirmation: ‘Did you? Did you get all the bits for din din?’
The Baby is irate, there is more head shaking and arm waving: ‘No. NO DIN DINS!’
(This is disappointing news, as Silly Mummy and The Toddler are waiting for that dinner The Baby definitely did not get with Daddy.)

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Cardboard Panda: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said, this week featuring The Baby’s Corner and, unexpectedly, a silent item.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, putting up with her

Silly Daddy does an office job, and so generally works regular Monday to Friday hours. However, he occasionally has to do some extra hours on a Saturday. So it is a Saturday, and Silly Daddy is at work. The Toddler and The Baby have been out with Silly Mummy. Heading home, The Toddler is asking whether Silly Daddy will be there. Silly Mummy explains that Silly Daddy won’t be back until dinner time, like during the week, concluding flippantly: ‘And you’ll have to put up with Mummy.’
The Toddler nods seriously: ‘Yes, like I normally do.’ How rude.

2. On farewells, rude

The Toddler’s farewells are becoming significantly less polite: ‘See you soon. Don’t have a lovely day.’

3. On Silly Daddy’s shoe

The Toddler has something important she needs to tell Silly Mummy. She makes sure she has Silly Mummy’s full attention for her urgent and riveting tale: ‘Mummy, Mummy, MUMMY…I had a lovely time walking on Daddy’s shoe. And he said, “Give it back”.’ She runs off. Apparently that’s it. Well, that’s…good to know.

4. On herself, being the First Lady

It should be noted here that Silly Mummy often refers to The Toddler and The Baby as ‘ladies’. Also that The Toddler wants to come to the dinner table first. These facts, rather than an unusually sophisticated grasp on American politics for a two year old, probably explain her charging across the room announcing: ‘I’m the First Lady!’

5. On Kung Fu Panda

Silly Daddy has asked The Toddler if she’d like to watch Kung Fu Panda later. She is now very excited about the impending viewing of: ‘Cardboard Panda!’

6. On additional information, confusing

The Toddler’s explanations of her statements have progressed from adding nothing to adding contradiction and confusion: ‘When Grandma comes on Saturday, she doesn’t always come on Saturday.’

7. On road safety

The Toddler and The Baby are in the hallway, engaged in a game of imaginary outings. They’re mostly shopping. However, it does appear that The Toddler has somewhat misunderstood the principles of road safety: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s get to the main road.’ The rule would be stay away from the main road, The Toddler, not aim for it.

8. On psychoanalysis

The Toddler has taken up impersonating Sigmund Freud this week, and now responds to most information with: ‘Hmm, interesting.’ (Sometimes she opts for outright sarcasm, and responds to everything with a very disingenuous: ‘That’s interesting.’)

9. On her sister, wanting her back

Silly Daddy has walked off with The Baby like he owns her, and The Toddler is not happy. She speaks to Silly Daddy firmly: ‘Daddy, can you bring The Baby back cos that’s my sister.’

10. On armed (with a Peppa Pig rolling pin) robbery

(This final item is admittedly not something The Toddler said, but is deserving of a mention nonetheless.)

 
The Baby is pushing around her little toy shopping trolley. The Toddler comes up behind her with a toy Peppa Pig rolling pin, and points it at The Baby’s back. She proceeds to take the trolley from The Baby. It is essentially a toddler stick up.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby can say ‘Grandma’ (it was ‘Amama’, but now she has mastered ‘Grandma’). She cannot, however, say ‘Grandad’. She has solved this dilemma in the obvious manner: she calls Grandad ‘Grandma’. The Baby has seen a man at the till in the coffee shop. He reminds her of Grandad. As such, she is pointing at him whilst insistently yelling, ‘Grandma! Grandma!’ The man looks confused. Having paid, he goes to sit down (unsurprisingly, a long way from The Baby). The Baby is offended: ‘Where’s Grandma gone?’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Hush, Little Baby (Here Are Some Ridiculous Gifts)

mockingbird-702804_1280 Hush, little baby, don’t say a word,
Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird

(No, I don’t know why you’d want one either
Let’s hope you don’t contract bird fever)

And if that mockingbird won’t sing,
Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring

(No, giving a baby a diamond ring
Doesn’t sound the most suitable thing)

And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Papa’s gonna buy you a looking glass

(Mirror mirror on the wall
What is the stupidest gift of all?)

And if that looking glass gets broke,
Papa’s gonna buy you a billy goat

(If the broken glass doesn’t cause a cut or two,
Perhaps the bloody goat will headbutt you)

And if that billy goat won’t pull,
Papa’s gonna buy you a cart and bull

(No, a bull doesn’t seem a soothing gift for a baby
Is Papa having some kind of breakdown maybe?)

And if that cart and bull turn over,
Papa’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover

(Oh, a dog. A dog seems vaguely sane
The rest if these gifts are completely inane)

And if that dog named Rover won’t bark,
Papa’s gonna buy you a horse and cart

(Why are these animals all mute or lame?
More to the point, are they even tame?)

And if that horse and cart fall down,
You’ll still be the sweetest little baby in town

(And if Papa brings any more stupid gifts for you,
Mama’s going to give him a talking to)

Let’s Get Ready for the Interrogation: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

baby-1150954_1280In this week’s Ten Funniest Things The Toddler said post, we have toddler espionage, and you know what they say about too many toddlers in the kitchen…

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On the kitchen, too crowded
Silly Mummy goes into the kitchen. Before she can get the child gate shut, The Toddler barges in, The Baby hot on her heels. The Toddler looks around disapprovingly: ‘There are far too much childrens in this kitchen!’ Indeed.

2. On knowing nothing
Futile conversations with The Toddler, number 20808:
‘Mummy, you know what we do with tweezers, don’t you?’
‘What do we do?’
‘I’ve decided I don’t know.’

3. On having too much
The Toddler is trying to get extra mini gingerbread men: ‘Can I have one more?’ Silly Mummy hands her one. The Toddler pushes her luck: ‘Can I have too much?’ Silly Mummy thinks she got confused with ‘two more’.

4. On your marks
The Toddler is about to throw a ball to The Baby. She prepares The Baby: ‘Are you ready on your marks?’

5. On who’s been playing with her bubbles
The Toddler is having her bath. The Baby just had a bath. The Baby may have touched the bubbles during her bath. The Toddler is not happy. She seems to be doing her best Goldilocks and the Three Bears impression: ‘Who’s been playing with my bubbles?’ At least Goldilocks Baby didn’t fall asleep in them.

6. On I spy
The Toddler has taken up playing a lot of I spy of late. She hasn’t quite grasped the game: ‘My little I spy is something beginning with red. I win.’

7. On being disgusted
The Toddler has discovered the word ‘disgusted’, but she can’t quite pronounce it. She has got a bit of fluff on her finger. She holds it out to Silly Mummy: ‘Take it off! That’s insusted!’ She drafts in Silly Daddy’s assistance with the disgusting finger: ‘Daddy, we’ve got an insusted!’

8. On bouncing at her convenience
The Baby is watching Mr Maker. The Toddler is going upstairs for a nap. Halfway up the stairs, The Toddler hears ‘bounce everyone’ from the TV in the living room. She pauses and calls back down the stairs: ‘I can’t bounce just now, Mr Maker. I’ll do it later.’

9. On the interrogation
The Toddler and The Baby are playing together. Exactly what they are playing is called into question when The Toddler declares: ‘Right then, The Baby, let’s get ready for the interrogation.’ They’re probably just acting out their favourite John Le Carre novel again: Toddler, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

10. On elaboration
The Toddler has taken up expanding on her statements with additional information that adds literally nothing to what was already known: ‘When I ask for the big spoon, I ask for the big spoon.’

 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

‘Mummy, There’s Something Wrong With The Baby!’

The (Alleged) Incident

Silly Mummy has popped upstairs with some laundry that has come out of the dryer, leaving The Toddler and The Baby playing in the living room.

The Toddler is standing at the stairgate at the bottom of the stairs, yelling, ‘Mummy, there’s something wrong with The Baby! She needs help!’ Nothing can be heard from The Baby.

 
The Possibilities

1. The Baby is choking
Against: The Baby does not have any food.
For: Not everything The Baby chooses to ‘eat’ is food.
Likelihood: 30%

2. The Baby has fallen off something
Against: Completely silently, without so much as a bang on impact.
Likelihood: 5%

3. The Baby has got stuck
For: The Baby does like to get into everything. There is a chance she is in a drawer. Or upside down behind the sofa.
Against: And has lost her voice so that she can’t mention this herself?
Likelihood: 70%

4. The Baby is unconscious
For: She has been ill. Perhaps she’s had a sudden attack.
Against: She only has a bad cold. Can you have a sudden attack of a cold?
Likelihood: 10%

5. The Toddler has trapped The Baby’s fingers in something
For: The Toddler does do this often.
Against: The Baby usually mentions it herself. Quite vocally.
Likelihood: 15%

6. The Baby has had a nappy related incident
For: Always a possibility.
Against: The Baby is usually more concerned about nappy incidents than The Toddler. In this event, The Baby would probably be at the bottom of the stairs herself, hollering, ‘Mummy, poo!’
Likelihood: 50%

7. The Toddler has sat on The Baby, and The Baby is dazed and confused
For: This hasn’t happened yet (that is to say, The Toddler has sat on The Baby, but has yet to daze her), but it seems like something that could happen.
Likelihood: 80%

8. The Baby is fine
Likelihood: 98%

 
The Action

Silly Mummy runs downstairs.

 
The Discovery

The Baby is sitting on the sofa, holding a teddy bear. She looks bemused, but does not appear to be in need of assistance.

 
Potential Conclusions

1. The Toddler is a drama queen/fibber.

2. The Toddler thought Silly Mummy could use some exercise, and knows stair running is very good for bums and thighs.

3. If this is The Toddler’s reaction to The Baby having a sit down with a teddy bear, it is probably safe to assume that she is not going to keep it together come the zombie apocalypse.

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

Where’s Daddy Gone: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time again for the Ten Funniest Things feature. This week, technically The Ten Funniest Things The Toddlers Said Last Week, as The Baby is putting in an appearance.

Silly Mummy presents The Toddler/The Baby:

1. On being Bruce Forsyth
The Toddler is talking to The Baby in the bath: ‘Haven’t you had a lovely time, The Baby?’ Yes, The Toddler is Bruce Forsyth.

2. On Little Red Riding Hood, not a shoplifter
The Toddler is pretending to be Little Red Riding Hood. Apparently, The Toddler’s Little Red Riding Hood has been suspected of shop lifting, and is keen to set the record straight. The Toddler puts a giant muslin on her head (as her hood, obviously), and marches off towards the door: ‘Hello, Grandma, I’ve got some food for you. I paid for it first.’

3. On what happens when the yoghurt is finished
The Toddler has finished her yogurt, and has a truly masterful grasp on all that entails: ‘All done now. No more eating it for me.’ (Gifted, you say? Why, thank you. It doesn’t seem presumptuous to say Mensa is being considered.)

4. On the pantomime
The Toddler has been having flashbacks again. This time to the pantomime she saw before Christmas: ‘When I was at pantomime, I saw Snow White. And Snow White was ill. And TV* was broken. And I clapped. And I said ‘boo’ to Evil Queen. And Evil Queen spun around. Woo. Mr Maker was her friend.’ Quite accurate, actually.

(*She means the magic mirror.)

 
5. On polite enquiries
Silly Mummy drops a bottle of shampoo in the bathroom. The Toddler, who has been raised extremely well, don’t you know, takes a (very) polite interest: ‘My darling, what did you do, darling?’

6. On the cat, not having a balloon
The Toddler has mastered the art of ‘because I said so’. The cat has been eyeing up her balloon, The Toddler is stern: ‘It’s my balloon, Cat. You can’t have it cos you can’t have it.’

7. On the monster, lost
The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy, looking sheepish: ‘Mummy, I’ve got a problem. I’ve lost the monster. Can you help me find him?’ Silly Mummy wasn’t actually aware that there was a monster, but it seems a reasonable request. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, to lose one monster can be considered a misfortune. Though, if she loses another, it will start to look like carelessness, and Silly Mummy will have to put her foot down.

8. On the best film for her
The Toddler is picking a film to watch. Silly Mummy says, ‘We’ve got How to Train Your Dragon, or shall we look for Kung Fu Panda?’
The Toddler knows what’s right for her: ‘No, I think dragon will be best for me.’

9. On giraffes, dog-like
The Baby likes to call all animals dogs at the moment. She presents Silly Mummy with a wooden giraffe: ‘Dog!’
Silly Mummy futilely corrects her: ‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
The Baby decides to give Silly Mummy a break. She smiles sweetly: ‘Giraffe-dog!’

10. On Silly Daddy, leaving
Silly Daddy is off to work. The Baby has decided she is not in the mood for long goodbyes this morning. She is literally showing Silly Daddy the door. Standing in the entrance way she points: ‘Door! Daddy, door!’ Silly Daddy is still saying goodbye to The Toddler. The Baby impatiently waves goodbye: ‘Daddy, door!’ Silly Daddy finally leaves. As he shuts the door, The Baby turns to Silly Mummy, looking surprised: ‘Where’s Daddy gone?’ Well, he was unceremoniously booted out of the house, The Baby. By you.

 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

The Toddler Visits Nursery School

The Toddler has been to visit the local infant school’s nursery, where we hope to enrol her from September.

Probably no one will be surprised to hear that The Toddler was very taken with nursery school. Or her new Kingdom, as she likes to think of it. Very thoughtfully, the teacher had laid out numerous toys and activities for The Toddler. There were some other, bigger, children, who seemed to feel that the activities may, in fact, have been for them. The Toddler was not phased by this. She took the ‘childrens’ under her wing.

The Toddler played with the oats that were in one of the sandpits (the children had been reading The Magic Porridge Pot, and were therefore playing with oats and also making porridge as one of the other activities). She did some puzzles. She introduced The Baby to everybody, but apparently decided her own name would be a closely guarded secret. She got to work in the Three Little Pigs construction area. She inspected the toilets and washed her hands. She made a valiant, but ultimately unsuccessful, attempt to persuade one of the nursery assistants that painting should become an activity for the day. She positioned herself right in front of the microwave while the porridge was being made, watching intently (this was mostly because she believed it was a TV). She thankfully did not notice the bowl of fruit, and therefore there remained a bowl of fruit, and not a bowl of apple and pear cores, when we left.

The Baby was involved in an oat related altercation with an older boy, but enjoyed drawing with her fingers on the big interactive screen. She did not enjoy being removed from the big interactive screen when it was time to go.

The children at the nursery were, to be completely honest, much more excited about the presence of The Baby in their class, than they were about The Toddler. They were all very eager to talk about how they had baby sisters. Their baby sisters all appeared to be called Bella. Perhaps it was the same baby sister. Maybe they were all siblings: a nursery class consisting of Baby Jake’s family.

All in all, the visit was a great success. The Toddler entered and declared that she would be painting now. The Baby declared that the picture of Snow White on the wall was The Toddler (she does have a Snow White costume). All of the bigger children, showing remarkable intuition about her character, declared that The Toddler was not to eat the play oats.

We’re All Mad Here

alice-in-wonderland-276452_1280The Toddler and The Baby are playing house. Theirs is a rather unconventional household. Silly Mummy suspects it is located down a rabbit hole. All ways here are The Toddler’s way (though The Baby is more likely than The Toddler to try to take someone’s head off, probably with a toy bus). The Toddler is usually rushing somewhere for no particular reason. The Baby is often hiding, revealing just a cheeky grin. Care given to baby dolls has probably been learnt from the Duchess: fling it around a bit, shout, and then throw it at someone else. There is usually a tea party. It may have been going on for some days. The chances of anyone receiving any actual tea are slim. There is at least one person wearing a silly hat at any given time. Everyone will be asked obscure, unsolvable riddles. And, if there ever were any jam tarts, they have definitely been stolen and eaten by The Toddler (while The Baby runs behind yelling ‘bit’ in a hopeful voice). Certainly everyone is mad here.

Morning in the Toddler-Baby house has started in a traditional manner. The Baby has offered The Toddler a cup of tea. Well, she hasn’t exactly offered a cup of tea, so much as sat by the stairgate minding her own business. Nonetheless, The Toddler has informed her: ‘I won’t have a cup of tea, thank you, The Baby. I think I’ll have a cup of coffee instead. And a biccy.’ Despite The Baby’s complete inactivity on the coffee making front, The Toddler surprisingly receives her coffee and biscuits from the confused Baby Servant, and thanks her accordingly.

Coffee consumed, The Toddler sets about her chores for the day. These mostly seem to involve moving around her ‘demidifier’ (dehumidifier). That would be a toy hammer from her tool belt to everyone else.

Meanwhile, according to The Toddler, The Baby is now doing her work. The Baby obediently wanders off to stand by the door, where her work is apparently located. Being an International Baby of Mystery, The exact nature of The Baby’s work remains unknown. Though it does seem to involve a lot of asking, ‘Where’s cat gone?’

During a raisin break for The Baby, The Toddler engages in some shoe fitting, which does not go down too well. Frankly, The Baby does not want to try on pretend glass slippers to see if they fit while she is trying to eat raisins. She is even less impressed when The Toddler starts trying to get pretend ‘glass wellies’ to fit her. The Baby is not sure what kind of a prince sends a toddler with a glass welly around the maidens of the kingdom, but she is not marrying him.

Having dealt with the humidity, and the glass slippers/wellies, The Toddler has some writing to do. She sets about her correspondence with a toy chisel. Perhaps The Toddler and The Baby are cavemen. That might explain The Baby’s job. She’s hunting a sabre toothed tiger for their tea – ‘where’s cat gone’ was actually a reasonable description.

Unfortunately, the harmony of the Toddler-Baby household is shattered when they both attempt to sit on the same seat, and fall on the floor. The Baby declares that she will no longer not make The Toddler coffee. The Toddler threatens to ‘demidify’ The Baby.* They retire to different corners to fling themselves on the floor. Off with their heads!

(*These were not their actual words, but were implied in the glaring, shoving and howling.)