Tagged Birthday

Thank You For Knowing It’s My Birthday: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

birthday-874783_1920It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things Feature. The Toddler is pleased Silly Mummy knew it was her birthday, while The Baby won’t be tricked into admitting anything.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On her birthday, remembered

It’s The Toddler’s third birthday. She has just had her breakfast, and is about to start opening presents, when she turns to Silly Mummy and politely declares: ‘Thank you for knowing it’s my birthday.’ (A further sweet thank you for knowing it was her birthday has been repeated most days since.)

2. On drawing, mandatory

The Silly Family are out for dinner. The Toddler is doing some colouring while she waits for her food. The waiter brings over the food and apologises: ‘Sorry for the wait.’
The Toddler looks at him and gestures at her paper: ‘I had to draw a lovely picture.’ Yes, look what The Toddler was driven to. Are you happy now, Waiter? She was forced to draw a lovely picture here. Because of you.

3. On Grandma, allowed to read

Grandma is visiting and it is The Toddler’s bedtime. The Toddler is objecting to going to bed while Grandma is downstairs. Silly Mummy asks: ‘Do you want Grandma to read you a book?’
The Toddler is in full sulky mode: ‘No!’ She stomps up the stairs. Halfway up she relents, grudgingly: ‘Oh, alright. If I must, Grandma can read a book.’

4. On abandoning ships

The Toddler has found a way to add some much needed drama to the simple act of getting off the sofa. She clambers down, yelling, ‘Abandon ship!’

5. On becoming a doctor

The Toddler is going to be seeing Grandad later. Silly Mummy has been explaining that Grandad might not play The Toddler’s chasing game because he has a bad knee. A short time later, The Toddler is on her toy phone: ‘Hello, is that Doctor Brown Bear?…Okay…Yes…Bye.’ The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy: ‘I called Doctor Brown Bear, and he has made me the doctor so I can look after Grandad’s leg.’

6. On her recorder

The Toddler has got a recorder. She is pleased with it: ‘I love my recorder so much. I ever don’t want to take it back to Tescos!’ (The recorder didn’t actually come from Tesco – The Toddler thinks all shops are Tesco.)

7. On seeing friends, on the side

The Toddler is going to an interactive play centre with her Little Friend. However, suspicions are raised that The Toddler may actually be cheating on another toddler friend, when she announces: ‘Today we’re going to see Little Friend on the side!’

8. On hair brushing

The Toddler is stalking Silly Mummy, ominously brandishing a hairbrush: ‘Now, do you want your hair brushed?’ No, not really. The Toddler proceeds regardless. It appears she has noticed that her clients are not always happy with the hair brushing service they receive: ‘And no shouting while I’m brushing your hair.’

9. On Silly Mummy, a bother

The Toddler is on her toy phone, as usual calling ‘Grandma’: ‘Hello, Grandma? Mummy’s a bit of a bother.’ The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘Aren’t you, Mummy?’ Rude, frankly.

10. On The Baby, her little face

The Toddler has formulated a cunning plan for situations in which she has been asked to stop doing something: exploit The Baby. Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler not to do any more forward flips. The Toddler implores: ‘But look at The Baby’s little face. She so wants to do some more!’ (The Baby is not at all interested – she wasn’t doing flips in the first place. Her little face is ambivalent/bemused.)

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby is cuddling her bear, Wilberforce. She approaches Silly Mummy and Grandad, clutching Wilberforce happily. Grandad asks: ‘Have you got Wilberforce?’
The Baby is concerned. This is probably a trick. She should not admit to anything. She sneakily flings Wilberforce across the room and answers the question: ‘No!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 

Diary of an imperfect mum

Silly Mummy Makes (Wrecks, Semantics) a Fairy House and Fairy

fairy2Today I am branching out slightly with a craft post (non-toddler related). I am toying with the idea of creating a new category for this type of post, probably called: ‘What Is Silly Mummy Doing? Who Cares?’

So what did Silly Mummy do last weekend, I hear no one ask. Well, in preparation for The Toddler’s birthday, I made a fairy from some wire and a wooden bauble. Because I am Blue Peter now. And a little wooden fairy house. I didn’t make the actual house. I am Blue Peter, I am not Tim Allen (Home Improvement or The Santa Clause – either is applicable to the production of a small wooden house for a child). You can tell the house was not made by me, because it is not made of a fairy liquid bottle & some double-sided tape.

Actually, there is double-sided tape involved. I love double-sided tape. I firmly believe it is stronger than superglue. Or at least quicker. Superglue is strong, in all fairness. After being held in place for about 30 minutes. Up to 29 minutes, superglue is about as sticky as milk. At 29 minutes 30 seconds superglue is strong enough to effectively bind your fingers to your project, but not the project to itself. At 30 minutes, the project is permanently bonded, and will look lovely as soon as you have it medically removed from your hand.

Superglue was involved in the making of the fairy. She looks better now she doesn’t have fingers attached to her hair. I make no comment as to whether there is still fairy hair attached to my fingers. Superglue, incidentally, will evidently not bind a wooden bauble to a piece of wire. Nor will double-sided tape. I really don’t know if the fairy’s head is actually attached. The fairy could meet a distressing end. Still, The Toddler does like to shout, ‘Off with her head!’ It’s not usually literal, but things change.

fairy4

So, yes, back to the double-sided tape…the house decorations are attached with double-sided tape. Seems to work. Double-sided tape should be utilised more frequently in architecture, in my view (actually, I think there is a good chance it is in current new builds, but I digress). The house has also been painted (by me – go me) in stains for garden fences. I don’t think that was quite what I meant to use. I think I meant to use those paints people who upcycle use to stain furniture. Couldn’t find those. Found fence paint. Did I mention I’m excellent at crafts? At least I didn’t Ronseal it. The doors were only briefly stuck together from painting them. They open again now.

fairy3

There you have it: an entirely pointless post, a craft idea to avoid, valuable bonding products advice, and a (*ahem*) lovely homemade/decorated fairy and fairy house for my daughter. It’s the thought that counts, right?

 
 

(Please Note: This is not a review, a fact I imagine everyone responsible for the products I mutilated/used is grateful for. I have not been sponsored by double-sided tape. Covered in it, yes; sponsored by it, no.)

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

 
 

Life, Love and Dirty Dishes

That’s Not Fair: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Still going strong (and blowing its own trumpet), its this week’s Ten Funniest Things, featuring The Toddler:

1. On manners
Silly Mummy, Grandad, The Toddler and The Baby are out with the double buggy. A couple of women want to pass. The Silly Party moves over slightly to make room. All very courteous…but, wait! The Toddler wants to say something. Does she want to say ‘hello’, perhaps? ‘Nice to meet you’? ‘No, no: after you’? ‘Please do go past us, we’re a little slow’? No. The Toddler turns to the passing ladies: ‘Shoo! Shoo! Get away! Get away!’ The Toddler, ladies and gentlemen: so charming, such manners.

2. On philosophy
The Toddler is playing on the common. She runs out from behind a tree and stands in the middle of the grass. She gestures around with her arms and shouts, ‘Where’s everything gone?’ So profound. The Toddler is still determining which philosophical school of thought she adheres to, but she is leaning towards metaphysical nihilism.

3. On fairness
Possibly as a result of her new found nihilistic tendencies, The Toddler has this week come to realise: ‘That’s not fair!’ Many things have not been fair since The Toddler discovered the existence of the phrase ‘that’s not fair’. Silly Mummy does not know where The Toddler learnt this phrase, but Peppa Pig is under suspicion. (In fact, firm evidence or not, it’s going on the Peppa grievance list.)

4. On The Baby, not a game
Silly Daddy and Uncle are playing a game of flying baby. This involves passing The Baby backwards and forwards between them over their heads. The Toddler looks up at this activity and comments, ‘That’s not a game.’ It is unclear whether she is concerned about The Baby’s safety, or just thinks the activity is really rubbish.

5. On birthdays, who’s having the cake
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are discussing The Baby’s upcoming birthday. The Toddler knows about birthdays: there is cake. Silly Mummy has suggested that there may also be balloons. The Toddler agrees that there can be balloons: ‘Daddy have balloon. Me have balloon. You have balloon, Mummy. The Baby have balloon. Computer not have balloon.’ This all seems eminently sensible so far. The Toddler has not finished: ‘And have candles. Have cake. Blow out candles. Not you have cake. Just me have cake.’ Just The Toddler have cake? On The Baby’s birthday? Silly Mummy sees further discussions about whose birthday it is marching over the horizon.

6. On surprises, not
The Toddler is finishing a jar of chocolate pudding that The Baby does not want. The Toddler is rather excited about it. Silly Daddy enters the room, and Silly Mummy comments, ‘The Toddler likes the choccy pudding.’
Silly Daddy, with more than a hint of sarcasm, replies, ‘There’s a surprise.’
The Toddler, entirely missing the sarcasm, is quick to set Daddy straight, ‘No, it’s not a surprise, Daddy.’

7. On computer games, attention to
Silly Daddy is trying to teach The Toddler to play a Harry Potter Lego game on the computer. Silly Daddy’s deeply convincing (*ahem*) argument as to why this is a purely educational exercise has been forgotten by Silly Mummy. Motor skills may have been mentioned. When Silly Mummy enters the room, The Toddler is on Silly Daddy’s lap at the computer. She excitedly informs Silly Mummy, ‘Me go on computer with my Daddy! Not you help. Just me help. Me help win again! I win again! It’s my turn! It’s you, Daddy! Good boy!’ Clearly, The Toddler is engrossed in this game and…(The Toddler sings) ‘Roly poly ever so slowly, roly poly hot hot hot…me want Peppa Pig on!’ Clearly, The Toddler was engrossed in that game.

8. On walking, leaving it to the experts
The Baby is practising her new skill of walking, tottering across the living room unassisted, before falling down. Silly Mummy claps and praises The Baby. The Toddler appears. Clearly something is going on here. The clapping is a sure sign of something going on, and The Toddler is going to find out what it is.
‘What’s The Baby doing, Mummy?’
‘She was walking, darling.’
The Toddler considers this information, and turns to The Baby: ‘Just let me do the walking.’ That’s right, The Baby, step aside and leave it to the experts, this is not amateur hour.

9. On watching something else
The Toddler has been watching Peppa Pig. As she does on days that end in ‘y’. Rather surprisingly, she suddenly announces, ‘Watch something else now.’ Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy try to hide their glee. Silly Daddy says, ‘What shall we watch?’
The Toddler bounces up and down: ‘More Peppa pig!’

10. On I spy
The Toddler says, ‘I spy with my little eye.’
Silly Mummy is surprised: ‘I didn’t know you knew I spy with my little eye.’
The Toddler replies, ‘No. Me don’t.’ Of course.

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 10: Silly Me