Tagged Brexit

Brexit Fortunes (A Game Show Parody)

Hello and welcome to our Brexit and Election Special episode of Family Fortunes (Family Feud for our American audience). The game in which two families compete to provide answers to questions about Brexit and the upcoming election. All of the questions have been put to members of the public, Parliament, the Cabinet or Theresa May before the show. Our contestants are looking to get the top answer, the one given by most of our surveyed group. If contestants give an answer which none of our surveyed group provided, they will hear ‘Eh-uhh’. Ready? Then let’s begin.

 
 
Round One

We asked the Cabinet to name ten things needed for Brexit to not be a complete disaster. You said, ‘Expert guidance and opinions.’ Our Cabinet said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ Next, you said, ‘Good trade deals.’ Surely this must be a high answer. Let’s see. No! Our Cabinet said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ Finally, you said, ‘A can do attitude and no f**king clue what’s going on.’ This is your last chance, you need a good score. Yes! It’s the top answer.

 
Round Two

We asked whose fault this was. You said, ‘David Cameron.’ It was, of course, the top answer. Next, you said, ‘Theresa May.’ It was the third best answer. A good answer. But the other team can steal if their answer ‘Vladimir Putin’ beat Theresa May. So was ‘Vladimir Putin’ the second answer? It was. I think you knew that really, and they steal the point.

 
Round Three

We asked you what answer Theresa May gave to the question: ‘Will you be calling a snap election?’ You answered, ‘I’m not going to be calling a snap election. I’ve been very clear that I think we need that period of time, that stability, to be able to deal with the issues that the country is facing, and have that election in 2020.’ It’s the wrong answer. Very bad luck on this one – the answer you gave was right five minutes ago. However, the updated answer Mrs May has just given, which we were looking for, is: ‘I have just chaired a meeting of the Cabinet, where we agreed that the Government should call a general election, to be held on June 8.’

 
Round Four

We asked Theresa May why she decided to hold a snap general election. You said, ‘To gain the majority needed to sideline Parliament and destroy the country.’ Theresa May said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ (Though, interestingly, our lie detector said this was actually the top answer.) The correct top answer, according to Theresa May, was ‘strength and stability’.

 
Round Five

We asked Tory MPs what they think of the current Government. Neither team guessed the top answer, intoned monotonously and in unison: ‘Mrs May is a wonderful Prime Minister, and this is the best Government we’ve ever had.’ The other answer we would have accepted, given by Ken Clarke, was: ‘Oh for f**k’s sake!’

 
Round Six

We asked 100 people to name one job Theresa May had before becoming Prime Minister. You said, ‘Nurse Ratched.’ It was a good answer. 31 of our hundred people said ‘Nurse Ratched’. But the top answer we were looking for, given by 53 people, was ‘Death eater’. Other correct answers included ‘Margaret Thatcher’ and ‘Cruella de Vil’. One exceptionally dull person answered ‘Home Secretary’, but we disqualified him.

 
Round Seven

We asked the current Government what they will do to solve the NHS crisis. You answered, ‘Provide proper funding for universal healthcare.’ The Government said, ‘Eh-uhh.’ The top answer we were looking for was ‘sell it to Donald Trump’.

 
Round Eight

We asked the Department for Exiting the European Union to name countries they hoped to secure trade deals with following Brexit. You were a little optimistic here. Your answers of the United States, China and South Korea were all incorrect. The top answer was Liechtenstein.

 
Round Nine

We asked 100 people to name an EU law that has actually caused a problem in their daily lives. It really doesn’t matter what you say here, as I can tell you that 52 of our 100 people said that they will have to get back to us on this, and wandered off muttering something about ‘sovereignty’. While the other 48 people said they actually quite like the EU, and appreciate having employment rights and an economy.

 
Round Ten

We asked 100 people how they intend to vote in the snap General Election. I can tell you, the top answer was…provided by the Russians.

 
 
And the winner of Brexit Fortunes is, of course, absolutely no one! Except maybe Theresa May, and a couple of billionaires, but certainly no one here. Not to worry: we don’t let anyone go home empty handed on this show! You all get to take home a crushing sense of impending doom, less money than you have ever had before, and this stylish blue passport!

 
 
 
 
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What If We Taught Our Children to Behave Like Brexit?

According to the Brexit brigade, Theresa May has this week done a ‘good’ thing for our country. The ‘right’ thing. This is the right thing to do. So I thought, that being correct, it would be okay to teach your kids to behave like the Brexiteers, right? You know, because they’re not doing anything wrong, are they? It’s the right thing for the country, so it must be the right way to raise the younger generation.

With that in mind, I have considered ten lessons we should be teaching our children if we want to raise them according to the lessons of Brexit.

 
 
1. Mistakes

If you make a mistake, whatever you do, don’t admit it was a mistake and fix it. Just plough on with the mistake. After all, once you do something stupid, you have no choice but to commit to the stupid, right?

 
2. Intolerance

Racism and xenophobia are bad…but, when confronted with racists, the thing to do is bend over backwards trying to mollify them and give them exactly what they want. In fact, it is a great idea to start spouting racism yourself. You know, so they’ll like you.

 
3. Bullies and Principles

Don’t stand up to bullies. Don’t stand up for what you believe in. Don’t stand up for vulnerable people. Don’t stand up for anything. Standing up for things is ‘whiny’.

 
4. Experts

Never listen to experts. We’re sick of experts.

 
5. Information

In fact, we are sick of education, information and facts. Be ignorant and proud of it.

 
6. Language

Use words that you like regardless of whether or not you understand them. Like ‘sovereignty’.

 
7. Friends

It’s usually a good idea to impulsively fall out with all of your friends. Tell them you hate them and you’re leaving. Never ever reflect on this at a later point. Instead, find the school maniac (he’ll be the one torturing local cats), and hold his hand.

 
8. Telling the Truth

Lie.

 
9. Sharing

Don’t share. Never share. Sharing is bad. There is NOT enough for everyone. Everything should be yours. You are more important than anyone else.

 
10. Self Preservation

Shoot yourself in the foot. Maintain that you have done the right thing, even whilst hopping in circles.

 
 
I’m sure they’ll turn out great. What could go wrong?

I Will Survive Brexit (a Parody)

It’s parody time. This time I Will Survive, which I have re-imagined being performed by various people and groups in response to Brexit.

I give you…

 
 
I Will Survive Brexit

 
(Nigel Farage)

At first I was afraid I was petrified,
Kept thinking I would be ignored if we actually left.
But then I spent so many nights just watching CNN,
And I saw Trump and now I’m back again.

Oh, I just lie!
I will survive.
The President thinks I run the British Isles.
I’ve got all my wealth to hold.
This elevator’s made of gold.
And I’ll survive,
I will survive.

 
(Boris Johnson)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
Kept thinking the economy could never live without the EU on our side.
But then I spent so many nights just thinking I could be PM,
And I joined Leave, and I started spewing phlegm.

And so that backfired.
I just walked in to find against me Gove had conspired.
I should have thought this through.
I should have learnt diplomacy,
If I’d have known for just one second I’d be Foreign Secretary.

 
(The Rest of the EU)

And your leader is someone new.
The EU Summit is not acknowledging that shrew.
And now she’s standing all alone,
Her welcome’s wearing rather thin.
And now we’re saving all our air kisses
For someone who’s staying in.

Go on May, go. Walk out the door.
Just turn around now ’cause you’re not welcome anymore.
Weren’t you the one who tried to break Europe with goodbye?
Did you think we’d crumble?
Did you think we’d negotiate, well, why?

Why should we try?
We will survive.
As long as we’ve got the Single Market, we know we’ll stay alive.
We know that it’s enhancive.
We’ve got all our trade to give.
And we’ll survive,
We will survive.

 
(Leave Supporters)

And so we felt like taking back our sovereignty.
It’s our favourite word after democracy.
We should have learnt what these words mean.
We can’t name one EU law.
We just wanted an excuse to kick immigrants out the door.

Now we must go. Walk out the door.
It’s what the people want, so we’re not listening anymore.
Weren’t you the ones who tried to hurt us with some facts?
Did you think we’d stop being lunatics?
Did you think we’d stop behaving like such dicks?

No, we don’t care!
We will survive.
As long as Farage lies to us we know that we will thrive.
We live a life of fantasies.
Spewing stupid fallacies.
And we’ll tell lies.
We will tell lies.

It took all the strength we had not to check our facts.
Kept trying hard to ignore all the evidence that detracts.
And we spent all our facebook time just claiming we are not racists.
We used to hide, now we wear bigotry with pride.

 
(Remain Supporters)

Do you see them? Our government?
We’re starting to believe that they’re incompetent.
And they’re making it all worse.
They haven’t got a clue.
Have these imbeciles even heard of the EU?

Go on now go. Walk out the door.
Just don’t make us join you, we want to stay in some more.
Weren’t you the ones who believed that bus’ lies?
Come on now, really,
Are you expecting a pig that flies?

Oh no, not us!
Don’t make us leave.
Oh from this stupidity please grant us a reprieve.
The economy will slump.
Please don’t befriend Trump.
Don’t make us leave.
We don’t want to leave.

 
 
 
 

My Random Musings

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

Twelve Days of Brexit

image_update_imgLast year, I did the Twelve Days of Toddler. For this year’s Twelve Days of Christmas parody, I have decided to go political with Brexit.

(Please note that many of these actual numbers are made up to fit the song, but the points behind them are genuine!)

 
 
Twelve Days of Brexit

 
On the first day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the second day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the third day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Three ‘enemies of the state’*,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Four calls from Trump**,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Seven clueless Ministers*,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Ten reinstatements of the same UKIP leader****,
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Eleven far right organisations celebrating,
Ten reinstatements of the same UKIP leader,
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the twelveth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Twelve EU leaders insulted*****,
Eleven far right organisations celebrating,
Ten reinstatements of the same UKIP leader,
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And NO RETURN OF SOVEREIGNTY!

 
 


*Otherwise known to sane people as ‘High Court Judges’
**To Nigel Farage, who Donald Trump may or may not believe runs our country
***This is a very generous estimate of the number of clueless members of the current government
****At least this is what it has felt like, it may have only happened twice in reality, but that is still ridiculous
*****By Boris thus far (probably!)

Referendum Dogs (a Parody)

Reservoir_Dogs_Game_PS2_Front_Cover‘Every dog has his day.’

 
I can’t help but notice that the EU Referendum fallout and the subsequent Tory leadership battle seems to be, well, Reservoir Dogs. Referendum Dogs, if you will. The plot is as follows.

 
A group have orchestrated a heist on Britain. Call it a ‘referendum’ if you like, but they seem to have taken the value of our currency, our stability, our government, our national sanity, the EU, probably Scotland, and possibly Northern Ireland, so I’m calling it a heist.

The heist has been carried out by six people, acting under aliases: Mr Blue-Blood-Tory (aka David Cameron), Mr Brown-Shirt (aka Nigel Farage), Mr Pink-and-Smarmy (aka George Osborne), Mr Whiteish-Hair (aka Boris Johnson), Mr Orange-You-Sick-of-Seeing-His-Face (aka Michael Gove), and Miss Blonde (aka Theresa May). It appears the whole thing was orchestrated by mob, sorry newspaper, boss Rupert Murdoch.

The heist has gone a little awry. There has been substantial blood lost, everyone is blaming each other, and it is doubtful anyone is coming out alive.

Mr Brown-Shirt met his end immediately, becoming utterly irrelevant the second the heist began.

Mr Blue-Blood played his part in setting up the heist, but has been missing, presumed dead ever since.

Mr Whitish-Hair may have had his suspicions that the whole thing was a stupid idea from the start, but he had his own ambitions to achieve here.

Mr Whitish-Hair and Mr Orange-Etc appear be helping each other. Mr Whitish-Hair trusts Mr Orange-Etc, defending him when the others accuse Mr Orange-Etc of being an undercover leadership candidate who set them all up. Mr Whiteish-Hair is subsequently devastated when Mr Orange-Etc eventually confesses that he is indeed a leadership candidate. In the aftermath of the ensuing leadership Mexican standoff, it appears likely that the Prime ministerial ambitions of both Mr Whiteish-Hair and Mr Orange-Etc are dead.

Meanwhile, Miss Blonde doesn’t exactly seem to playing the same game as everyone else, and many suspect that she likes to torture people.

Whilst Mr Pink-and-Smarmy has quietly snuck out and vanished, and one rather fears that he was the one in possession of the money.

 
 

Come on, everyone, sing with me: ‘Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right…’

Now, own up: whose bright idea was it to let Quentin Tarantino start directing the United Kingdom??

 
 
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The Toddlers: STILL Supporting Brexit?

eu-1473958_1920Following the utter disaster, sorry, outcome of the EU Referendum, I’m sure many of you are wondering if The Toddlers are still Brexit supporters, and how they are dealing with the fallout.

Unfortunately, the signs continue to point to The Toddlers being firmly in the Brexit camp.

 
1. Having cried, shouted and stamped their feet because they wanted their toy dinosaurs, they are both now refusing to touch or do anything with said dinosaurs. God help anyone who suggests that maybe we should accept that we don’t really want the dinosaurs and just put them away, though. They wanted those dinosaurs, damn it. It is their right to have those dinosaurs. It is not relevant that the dinosaurs no longer seem like a good idea, and they aren’t quite sure what to do with them.

 
2. The toddlers look pleased with themselves. This is usually a fairly accurate sign of impending doom.

 
3. The Toddlers have made a few decisions based on dodgy information supplied by a not very trustworthy stuffed crocodile. These decisions have turned out to be a little questionable. The Toddlers are not admitting this.

 
4. The Toddlers had claimed that Mummy was giving £350 million biscuits a week to Daddy. They wanted these biscuits redirecting to their bellies. It has since transpired that The Toddlers may have miscalculated slightly. There may not have been £350 million biscuits. The Toddlers have since denied making the claim altogether. They are currently denying ever having heard of biscuits.

 
5. The Toddlers like to tell Mummy that they want to be in charge, they know what they are doing, and Mummy should go away. Upon getting their way, The Toddlers tend to ask Mummy to come back and take charge again.

 
6. The Toddlers have been very angry and indignant about perceived injustices. The Toddlers perceive many injustices: everyone is out to get them. In the cold light of day, it turns out that The Toddlers may have misunderstood the situation slightly. This may have been the result of not listening.

 
7. The Toddlers like someone to blame. They are not particularly concerned with whether they are blaming the right person. So far today Mummy has been to blame for the weather, something Peppa Pig did, and blue. As such, The Toddlers have voted to leave Mummy.

 
8. The Toddlers’ currency is raisins. The value of their currency took a steep decline this morning after they ate it on a whim.

 
9. The Big Toddler feels that, though her decision to swing a wooden crocodile through the air has smacked the Little Toddler in the face and hurt her, that isn’t really her problem. She doesn’t feel that she should be accountable. She doesn’t accept that she had any responsibility to consider the potential consequences of swinging a wooden crocodile through the air before doing it. It was her right to swing a wooden crocodile through the air, and she believes it was in her best interests to do so. She believes that the Little Toddler should stop whining about being smacked in the face by a wooden crocodile, accept that she lost, and get over it.

 
10. The Toddlers are currently denying the existence of their ELC Toy Box Musical Adventure Bus. Photographic evidence of them with the bus notwithstanding, they both claim never to have seen it.

 
 
(Once again, these may, in fact, all be signs that certain grown adults are behaving like toddlers, rather than that The Toddlers are supporting Brexit.)

 
 
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Are The Toddlers (*Gasp*) Brexit Supporters?

europe-253311_1280As a firm EU ‘Remain’ supporter, I am becoming increasingly concerned that The Toddlers may, in fact, be Brexit sympathisers. There are clear signs to support this theory.

 
1. The Toddlers are always very upset when other toddlers, toddlers who are not them, come over here and take their toys. Even if they didn’t want the toy and were playing with something else. Even if the toy was not, in fact, theirs.

 
2. The Toddlers are not happy about Mummy taking away their sovereignty. They feel that Mummy is constantly telling them what they can and can’t do. They believe that they should be in charge of their own decision making. Toddler rule for toddler people!

The Toddlers feel this way despite all the benefits and assistance they receive from Mummy.

The Toddlers also feel this way despite the lack of any realistic plan for how they would manage on their own.

 
3. The Toddlers object to anyone who wishes to impose regulations, however sensible, upon them. They are sick of all these directives about wearing two shoes, not playing in the traffic, not chewing on the cat… It’s just endless, ridiculous restrictions and red tape.

 
4. The Toddlers have a slight tendency to make up ‘facts’. The entirely fabricated nature of what they are saying in no way undermines the passion with which they are saying it.

 
5. The Toddlers are opposed to being told that they can not discriminate against people on unreasonable grounds. The Toddlers enjoy discriminating against people for no good reason. The Toddlers consider it their prerogative to refuse to speak to people, and indeed to ban them from the premises, on grounds including, but not limited to: having a beard, not having a beard, not liking their shoes, not liking their buttons, not liking their elbow, disapproving of their orientation (i.e. they’re standing in the wrong place), race issues (i.e. they outran the toddlers), smelliness, and just simply ‘NO’.

 
6. Despite The Toddlers’ desire to restrict the movement of other people into their territory (because they are not willing to share their toys), The Toddlers themselves intend to continue to move freely into others’ territories. The Toddlers do not see anything wrong with this policy. (Upon arrival in someone else’s territory, The Toddlers like to speak loudly to the ‘natives’, demand to be provided with their favourite foods, and recreate an environment that looks exactly like the one they just left.)

 
7. The Toddlers rarely care if no one agrees with them, and the actual evidence is not exactly in their favour: they are still right, and they are going to stamp their feet.

 
8. The Toddlers sometimes feel very suspicious of random people. They are not sure why, but they are very sure those people are suspicious and should be made to leave. The Toddlers will change who they are suspicious of on a whim.

 
9. The Toddlers have a vague sense that the world should be revolving around them because they are very important. They are not entirely able to justify this opinion, but are prepared to shout very loudly about it.

 
10. Frankly, The Toddlers won’t stand for anyone wanting to mess with their bananas. Even though no one is actually trying to mess with their bananas, the toddlers remain wary and indignant.

 
 
Or perhaps these are simply signs that Boris Johnson is behaving like a toddler? That could be it.

 
 
Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are open until 31st July. If you find me at all amusing, I would love nominations in the Best Comic Writer category. Nominating is very simple by following the link above. Thank you for reading my shameless begging.

 
 

Cuddle Fairy