Tagged Cat

I Resent to You: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time once again. This week, we will be doing formal presentations, in keeping with The Toddler’s self appointed position in high society.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Lady The Toddler:

1. On thoughts, not knowing them
The Toddler is having trouble remembering the song she wants Silly Mummy to sing: ‘Can you sing…can you sing…can you sing…I don’t know thoughts!’ It is so annoying when you don’t know any thoughts, isn’t it? You know, when all the thoughts have just momentarily slipped your mind.

2. On resenting The Baby
The Toddler currently enjoys being presented to society. She requires Silly Mummy to announce: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…’ She will accept being presented in a number of ways: ‘the Lady The Toddler’, ‘the Right Honourable Pickle’, ‘Dame The Toddler’, ‘the Evil Queen’. In response to each, The Toddler giggles and gives an elaborate bow. She does not like to be introduced as ‘the naughty crocodile’. The Toddler also enjoys making announcements to present others (The Baby, mostly) to society. She often misses the ‘p’ off ‘present’, amusingly resulting in a lot of rather formal begrudging coming from The Toddler: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I resent to you The Baby!’

3. On her apple, missing it
The Toddler did not finish all of her apple at breakfast. She asked for it to be put in the fridge. A few hours later, she asks, ‘Where’s my apple gone?’
Silly Mummy replies, ‘It’s in the fridge.’
The Toddler responds with sophistication beyond her two years: ‘Oh, sorry. I was missing it. But it’s in the fridge. Sorry.’

4. On her doctor’s kit, not to go in nappy
Adding to the ongoing questions about the quality of The Toddler’s medical training, she waves her stethoscope at Silly Mummy and announces, ‘I mustn’t put my doctor’s in my nappy. It’s going to get dirty.’ True. But possibly not the only reason not to put a doctor’s kit in your nappy.

5. On the cat, touching things
In what some are calling a fairly innocuous act, the cat walks near to some of The Toddler’s things. The Toddler is not one for a measured and proportionate response. She is not a ten times Oscar nominee in the category of ‘Best Toddler in a Complete Overreaction’ for nothing. She screams, ‘Oh no! The cat touched my things! Yuck!’

6. On being an explorer
The Toddler has her explorer kit. She puts her binoculars around her neck, picks up her magnifying glass, and announces to the room that she is an explorer. Kind of: ‘I’m ex!’

7. On buttering toast, very carefully
Silly Mummy is buttering The Toddler’s toast. A delicate and vitally important procedure, judging by The Toddler’s insistent shouts: ‘Be careful with it! Don’t be naughty with it! You have to be very, very careful with it!’

8. On Silly Mummy, not saying ‘dun dun dun’
The Toddler is yelling: ‘Dun dun dun!’
Silly Mummy is not entirely sure why we’re building suspense, but gamely joins in: ‘Dun dun dun!’
Silly Mummy is not allowed to say ‘dun dun dun’, as The Toddler makes clear: ‘No! You don’t say dun dun dun! I say dun dun dun! Roar!’

9. On The Baby, not poo
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are waiting for Silly Daddy. The Baby is pulling faces at Silly Mummy. Silly Mummy says, ‘Hi, Poo.’
The Toddler will not stand for her sister being addressed in such a disrespectful manner. She indignantly proclaims: ‘The Baby is not poo! She’s a good girl!’
Through giggles, Silly Mummy agrees: ‘Quite right, The Toddler.’
The Toddler is gracious in her victory: ‘Thank you, Mummy.’

10. On speaking French
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are watching a ferry sailing in. Silly Mummy is explaining that the boat has come from France. The Toddler has been a fan of announcing her name of late, so Silly Mummy tells her: ‘In France, instead of “I’m The Toddler” you say “je m’appelle The Toddler”. Can you say “je m’appelle The Toddler”?’
The Toddler nods: ‘Yes, tinkerbell The Toddler.’ So close.

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 13: I’m Not a Hufflepuff
Week 15: We Are Not a Stinker
Week 22: You Know The Rules

Draw The Toddler

The Toddler has been drawing a lot lately. She’s moving beyond squiggles. Sometimes there are eyes. Sometimes they’re even on faces.

The Toddler likes cats. 90% of all requests for what she would like people to draw for her have always been cats. The other 10% have been penguins. Now she is drawing for herself, penguins are out, snowmen are in, apparently. Cats remain non-movers at the top of the charts.

The Toddler sits down next to Silly Mummy, ready to draw, yes, a cat. ‘You going to help me, Mum? Right then: let’s draw.’
The Toddler starts drawing her cat. Apparently, it is not going to plan.
‘That’s not a cat either. That’s a snowman. He got orange cheeks. He got big chins.’
The Toddler decides it is best to move on from the large chinned cat/snowman debacle, with no more said.
‘Let’s draw something else. I know: let’s draw The Toddler.’
The Toddler pauses momentarily in her plans to draw herself to address the cat.
‘You okay, Cat? You bit tired? Okay, you go to sleep then.’
Unsolicited sleeping advice given to the already sleeping cat, The Toddler returns to the matter at hand.
‘Okay, yes. Draw The Toddler.’ Unfortunately, The Toddler quickly comes up against an obstacle.
‘Can’t draw that one, Mum. That’s too hard.’
Well, self portraits are notoriously difficult to master. The Toddler quickly formulates a new plan.
‘Draw something else: The Toddler. Can’t draw that one. That’s hard work.’
Oops, turns out the new plan was the same as the old plan.

The Toddler is drawing again. This time avoiding the hard work of trying to draw herself, she announces, ‘I’m drawing a snowman.’ The Toddler is not happy with her drawing, however. It appears there is a problem: ‘That’s not a snowman, it’s a girl!’ The Silly Parents set about explaining that snow people can be girls. The Toddler is sceptical: ‘It’s not a snowman, it’s a girl! I draw a cat.’

The Baby’s Five Most Important Words and Phrases (and How to Use Them)

The Baby has been chatty of late. She has identified the key words and phrases of the English language, and has been using them with gusto. Now, many of you may be surprised to learn what the most significant words and phrases in the English language, as set out below, actually are (particularly as one of them would appear to be French). Please do not be embarrassed: few are able to attain the lofty heights of The Baby’s grasp on linguistics. The correct frequency and proper usage for the word ‘duck’, for example, is understood by woefully few people. In an effort to re-educate, therefore, here are the words you need to know, and how you should be using them.

1. Cat
The Baby’s unrequited love affair with the cat continues. ‘Cat’ was probably her first clear word, after the usual ‘mama’ and ‘dada’. The Baby likes to make sure everyone is aware of the cat’s location at all times. She will jab her finger insistently in the cat’s direction and yell, ‘Cat! Cat!’ Should The Baby’s cat location services ever be specifically called upon with an actual query about where the cat is, The Baby is beside herself with glee: ‘Cat! Cat!’ The cat tries her best to be inconspicuous. Sorry, cat, like a tiny Liam Neeson: The Baby will look for you, she will find you, and she will point at you.

2. The Toddler
Of course, The Baby isn’t actually saying ‘The Toddler’. That would be weird. But she has started to say The Toddler’s real name. She first did this on an outing to the common, whilst The Toddler was running around and hiding behind trees. The Baby pointed at her: ‘The Toddler! The Toddler!’ It had come to The Baby’s attention that, like the cat, The Toddler was trying to hide. As with the cat, The Baby wasn’t having any of it. Never attempt to go incognito around The Baby. She will identify you. Loudly and repeatedly.

The Baby also likes to use her new word to request that The Toddler partake in her favourite game: peekaboo. She shouts, ‘The Toddler!’ The Toddler looks up. The Baby covers her eyes and giggles. The Baby repeats the process. Just a few times. The Toddler obligingly plays peekaboo. She was personally requested, after all.

3. Duck and quack
Presumably these words came from Sarah and Duck (the recent addition of ‘sayer duck’ to The Baby’s repertoire would seem to support this). Ducks occur to The Baby at random times, following which she will spend a pleasant fifteen or so minutes happily hollering, ‘Duck! Duck! Duck! Quack! Duck! Duck!’ As The Toddler has recently discovered the cupboard where the juggling balls are kept, and has taken to using them as missiles, The Baby’s love of chatting about ducks doubles as good safety advice.

4. Frere Jacques
The Toddler has been singing Frere Jacques a lot lately. Being a good, doting little sister, The Baby has therefore decided this is her favourite song. She bursts into ‘rehreh jacka’ at regular intervals, and is delighted when people join in. If people don’t join in, The baby offers light encouragement. Which is to say she relentlessly screeches, ‘Rehreh jacka! Rehreh jacka!’

5. Catch
When throwing and catching are taking place, The Baby likes to be involved. She likes to ensure that it is clear that she is involved by shouting ‘catch’ whenever anyone else says ‘catch’. It should be noted that, for all the shouting of ‘catch’, very little catching actually occurs. Though Baby can claim a better catching record than The Toddler – she has occasionally caught balls with her face, at least. The Baby’s reaction to being hit in the face with a ball? ‘Catch!’