So, I now see rather a lot of children’s television, and I have some questions. 21 to be exact.
1. Why would Mummy Pig climb a blackberry bush? Who climbs blackberry bushes?
2. Will children be more upset when they discover Father Christmas is not real, or when they discover what would really have happened to Pedro Pony when he broke his leg?
3. Why are everyone’s eyes on the same side of their heads? More importantly, what is on the other side?
4. Why do the CBeebies presenters have a baby?
5. Where did the CBeebies presenters get a baby from?
6. Do the authorities know the CBeebies presenters have a baby?
7. Where do the CBeebies presenters keep the baby?
8. Does the CBeebies baby like it in her drawer?
Topsy and Tim
9. Why didn’t Topsy and Tim retain its original title, Village of the Damned 2: The Midwich Cuckoos Bred?
10. Why don’t Baby Jake’s family have some kind of child safe window guards or latches, given that they live in a windmill (and seem to spend an inordinate amount of time encouraging a multitude of children to lean out of the windows)? What kind of a safety message is this sending out to all the other ten children families living in windmills?
11. Why do Baby Jake’s family live in a windmill?
12. How is Mr Bloom ‘all about and everywhere’? Is Mr Bloom a god?* Father Christmas?
Woolly and Tig
13. Does anyone ever wash Woolly? Apparently, the average cuddly toy, engaging in average cuddly toy activities, is filthy and full of bacteria. I can only assume Woolly is probably carrying bubonic plague by now.
14. Why? That is all.
In the Night Garden
15. Why do the Tombliboos trousers matches their arses?
16. Why do the Tombliboos bother to wear trousers?
17. Why don’t the Tombliboos lend their pointless trousers too Upsy Daisy, who can’t keep her dress down?
18. Why do the Ninky Nonk and the Pinky Ponk randomly change size? I was going to say it’s like being in a dream. That may be why. Scratch this one.
19. Who thought Makka Pakka was a good idea for a name in a programme aimed at children who are just learning to talk and prone to mispronunciation?
20. I know people have asked before, but is Iggle Piggle dead?
21. Why did nobody question whether having Mr Tumble ask children to look for his ‘three special things’ was the best way to phrase it?