The Toddler has taken a sudden interest in watching films. She has not, however, taken an interest in what films are actually called. The Toddler has developed a couple of alternative methods for identifying the film she wants to watch. The first is to point at random unrelated pictures on the TV, or indeed at the blank TV screen, and shout, ‘Want to watch that one! No, not that one! No! Want to watch the one.’ This method does not have a high success rate. The other method is offering descriptions of what she considers to be salient points of the film.
Having used her film description skills to successfully get her chosen film played, The Toddler will engage in random audio commentary, describing the select parts of the film that actually interest her. Were anyone to attempt to rely upon The Toddler’s audio commentary to understand the film, they may find that it almost entirely fails to describe what is happening, and has a few gaps. Often of an hour or so. (The Toddler is very busy: she can’t spend all day watching films. Who else is going to make the imaginary tea around here?)
With these concerns about The Toddler’s commitment to accurate commentary in mind, Silly Mummy now invites you to join us in a little game we have just invented, called ‘guess what film The Toddler is talking about’. Silly Mummy will provide a list of The Toddler’s comments and descriptions relating to the film. The answer will be revealed at the end. No cheating.
1. ‘Want to watch climby roof, do dance, please!’
2. ‘Look! Make up! Doing make up!’
3. ‘Horses going that way. Come back later. Oh, look: Friend pick poo up now. Stinky poo.’ (For the avoidance of any confusion, Silly Mummy would like to make it clear that there is no poo, picked up or otherwise, in the film. Last weekend, during a walk in an area with horses, The Toddler’s friend (who we have imaginatively called ‘Friend’) picked up poo. Clearly, The Toddler now considers it inevitable that, if she can see horses (even on film), Friend will be nearby picking up poo.)
4. ‘You hello? Ohh doggy! Woof woof.’
5. ‘Um dee um dee eye! Um dee um dee eye!’ (Clue: this is accompanied by manic dancing.)
6. ‘Tea cup! Look, Mummy: have tea cup! Oh naughty, Mummy! Been naughty!’
7. ‘Ooh stairs! Climby! Climby roof! Dancing! Doing dancing now. Mummy, dance! Get up, Mummy! Mummy, get up now! Do dance! The Baby do dance! Step…time! Step…time! Knees!’ (The Toddler is marching around the living room. The Baby is showing support by bouncing and nodding her head.)
8. ‘Watch Chitty Bang now! Want watch Chitty Bang now! Not this one now.’
Yes, you have probably all worked out by now, from the practically verbatim script, that The Toddler is talking about Mary Poppins.
For anyone who has never seen Mary Poppins, a few points of clarification.
1. This is actually a reasonable description.
2. Mary looks in a mirror.
3. The carousel horses leave the carousel (no one picks up poo).
4. There is a fox hunt.
5. ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay.’
6. They all get stuck on the ceiling as a result of laughing too much (obviously), and have a tea party there. Mary is unimpressed: they are naughty.
7. They run about on the rooftops, climb smoke stairs, and dance with chimney sweeps: ‘Kick your knees up, step in time’.
8. It is not compulsory to start watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang part way through. It is rumoured that Mary Poppins does, in fact, have an ending. Silly Mummy can not confirm this, but you may want to investigate.
Seriously, though, did anyone actually work out the film?