December is here again. The count down to Christmas. The magic, the wonder, the anticipation, the cold sweats, the paranoia, the mind-numbing terror… Yes, IT’S BACK. The sweet Christmas tradition/horror story apparition that is the Elf on the Shelf.
Whilst the brave out there happily place the nefarious imp in cute toilet fishing poses, and share ever more ambitious fun activities for the malevolent goblin to engage in, I am presenting an alternative list of Elf on the Shelf suggestions. So, here it is: my line up of daily Elf on the Shelf activities for those among us who are outright terrified of the evil, creepy little critter.
*Keep this list well hidden. We meet in secret, under cover of darkness. Do not use real names. HE’S WATCHING US. And I think he possesses powers of mind control: keep your mind blank. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM.*
Position Elf in a cute pose with Elsa. Tell Elsa if Elf makes any sudden moves, freeze him.
Put Elf in a drawer. If the drawer starts calling your name in the night, do not open it.
Put Elf and Barbie in a toy car at the ‘drive in’ (i.e. in front of the TV). Give Barbie some mace.
Send Elf to see a forensic psychiatrist (Donald Pleasence from Halloween, preferably) – he may be redeemable.
Put Elf in a strait jacket after forensic psychiatrist says he’s dead behind the eyes.
Position Elf anywhere in the house. Move house.
Pose Elf as though he is having a bath. Fill bath with holy water.
Find a corner to sit in. Rock backwards and forwards, muttering, ‘Please don’t hurt me. Oh god, please don’t hurt me!’
Put Elf outside. Change locks.
Set up CCTV, just in case.
Obtain a sample of DNA from Elf. Familial testing might prove a link to Chucky.
Serve Elf with a restraining order.
Write to Father Christmas about Elf. Threaten a diplomatic incident with the North Pole if he doesn’t stop sending spies.
Take up witchcraft. Position Elf in chalk circle on the floor to bind the evil spirit.
Call the Ghostbusters. Worth a try.
Find Elf grinning maniacally with his head stuck through an axe hole in a door. Call an exorcist when you realise that you did not put him there.
Sleep with the light on. Do this every night, in fact.
Give Elf a haircut. So that you can look for the Mark of the Beast on his scalp.
Obtain a Batman on the Shelf to watch the Elf on the Shelf.
Ask Father Christmas for a panic room.
Put a stake through Elf’s heart.
Burn Elf and bury ashes in multiple different locations.
Finally, delete all social media accounts before Girl from the Ring on the Shelf becomes a Christmas trend.