Tagged Enchanted

It’s Too Scary!

As it’s Halloween, I have decided to share a few of the things The Toddler has declared to be ‘too scary’ since she learnt the phrase ‘too scary’.

1. Trolls
Particularly the troll in Enchanted. Or the ‘dunk dunk’, as The Toddler used to – and sometimes still does – call him (took some time to work out that came from the noise she thinks it makes). The troll is often declared to be scary. The Toddler likes to chatter about the troll: ‘She saw a troll, didn’t she? I don’t like troll. Bit scary.’ Fair enough. Trolls are not usually nice characters. That said, the troll in Enchanted is a fairly benevolent troll, despite attempts to eat people. The Evil Queen, in my opinion, is much scarier. She does evil magic, appears in clouds of smoke and sinister music*, turns into a dragon, tries to kill people. How does The Toddler feel about the Evil Queen? She loves her. Every time she appears, The Toddler excitedly shouts: ‘The Evil Queen! The Evil Queen is coming! Look, Mummy, it’s the Evil Queen! I like Evil Queen!’

*Though The Toddler seems to have some funny ideas about what constitutes sinister music – see number 4.

 
2. Giant spiders
There are halloween decorations in the shopping mall, hanging from the ceilings. The Toddler loves them. Mostly. She loves the creepy cobweb chandelier. She has to dance under it (to the accompaniment of funny looks from confused passers-by). She loves the ghosts and the giant pumpkin. Following her under chandelier spinning, she announces: ‘Giant pumpkin! Are we going to see giant pumpkin?’ Then come the giant spiders. The Toddler does not like the giant spiders. However, she tends to forget this fact: ‘Look, Mummy, it’s spiders! I’m going to see spiders…No, I don’t like it! Too scary!’

3. Balloons Popping
Just to be clear, this is not balloons actually popping, oh no. No. There is a balloon tied to the railing of the room divider. The Toddler has decided it is like those balls on rope for children to swing on at soft play centres, and that is what she is trying to do. With a balloon. On a string. Tied to a railing. I point out that the balloon is likely to pop, and she won’t like that. I am informed that warnings about the balloon popping are ‘too scary’.

4. A random song from a musical
Silly Daddy has found a songs from musicals and movies radio station. This has, unsurprisingly, been popular. Until one particular song. Now, I don’t know what this song is from. I am not much of a musicals fan, really. The important point is that it isn’t remotely scary. Nothing sinister. It isn’t from Sweeney Todd*. Or even Blood Brothers**. No, this is a totally innocuous, saccharine song from a musical. One that sounds like any innocuous, saccharine musical song. The Toddler whimpers: ‘Too scary! Turn it off! Too scary!’

*’Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd/He served a dark and a vengeful god’
Now, this is an understandably creepy musical song.

**’Now you know the devil’s got your number/You know he’s gonna find you/You know he’s right behind you/He’s staring through your windows/He’s creeping down the hall’
I mean, no one needs to find out through the medium of a musical that the devil is on some kind of register and probably has his relationships monitored by the authorities, right? You can’t trust anyone these days, even the root of all evil. I may have gone off topic.

 
5. Baby Jake
Not the awful animated version, with the picture of the real baby’s head (and *shiver* animated mouth), that is clearly the stuff of nightmares. No. She’s fine with that abomination. She doesn’t like the real Baby Jake at the end. He’s ‘scary’. Perhaps over the course of the programme she becomes convinced that babies are supposed to have a cartoon body, a photograph of a real baby for a head, and what I am fairly sure is the Cheshire Cat’s mouth.

Clock: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature. The Toddler will take a break from evil cackles (‘ha’) and concerns about what on earth is wrong with boys (many have wondered), to present her thoughts:

1. On pot
The Toddler is sitting next to Silly Daddy. She suddenly declares, ‘Daddy, I’ve got pot.’ Silly Daddy is half way through gathering up bags of crisps and chocolate when it transpires that The Toddler has a spot on her leg.

2. On searching, minimal effort
Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler to look for a missing toy. The Toddler does precisely no looking before declaring: ‘I can’t find it anywhere!’
Silly Mummy points out: ‘You haven’t looked!’
The Toddler bucks up her ideas, and carefully inspects the 10cm square patch of empty floor right at her feet: ‘It’s not there, is it?’ Thanks for your help, The Toddler.

3. On clocks, with an ‘l’
The Silly Family are going swimming. Silly Daddy is getting tickets. The Toddler has spotted something she wants Silly Daddy to see: ‘Look, Daddy, a clock!’ Except she’s not yelling ‘clock’. She never says ‘clock’. She always misses the ‘l’. Usually, the context makes her meaning clear. Usually, she can only mean ‘clock’. But this is the swimming pool, no assumptions should be made. A quick check of surroundings is warranted. Everyone is dressed. There is a clock on the wall. All is well.

4. On bags, naughty
The Baby is waving around The Toddler’s spotty Mr Tumble bag. Inevitably, she hits herself in the face. The Toddler takes charge of the situation. By marching over to the bag and saying firmly, ‘Bad bag!’

5. On butterflies, identity issues
The Toddler wants to wear one of her dresses (every day). Silly Mummy offers choices: ‘Pink dress or butterfly dress?’
The Toddler knows her answer: ‘Butterfly dress. It’s got big small ladybirds on it.’ Ah, yes, the ladybirds. Also called butterflies. Silly Mummy wonders why The Toddler thinks we call the dress the ‘butterfly dress’.

6. On evil cackles, ha
The Toddler is quite taken with the evil queen in Enchanted: ‘Can we see evil queen now?’
Silly Mummy replies, ‘Yes she’ll be on in a minute. Does she say “mwah ha ha”?’
‘Yes, she does say “ha”! Ha!’ The Toddler may need to work on her evil cackle.

7. On that poor boy
The Toddler has found a new way of showing Silly Mummy up in public. This one’s subtle. She’s doing it with concern. Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in town, and pass a lady who has stopped to feed her crying baby. The Toddler breaks free and runs back to the lady and baby. She stops right in front of them, and loudly says, ‘That poor boy! What’s wrong with the boy, Mummy?’ The Toddler thinks she is being caring. She does not realise she is effectively in some poor woman’s face yelling, ‘Call yourself a mother? Your poor baby is crying! Crying!’ (In a connected matter, there is a boy a little older than The Toddler who lives next door. He has quite a lot of tantrums. Whenever The Toddler can hear him through the walls, she asks, ‘What’s wrong with the boy, Mummy?’ Unfortunately, if we bump into them on the street now, regardless of the fact that the boy is not doing anything & is minding his own business, The Toddler will spurn all traditional forms of greeting and loudly ask, ‘What’s wrong with the boy, Mummy?’)

8. On overreaction
The baby has hit The Toddler on the head with a soft toy. Fortunately, The Toddler is not one to overreact: ‘The Baby has broken my head!’

9. On watches, Grandma’s
The Toddler has commandeered Grandma’s watch. She holds it out to Silly Mummy: ‘I want to wear my clock on!’ (She’s not saying ‘clock’. She means clock. She’s not saying clock. See number 3.)
Silly Mummy stops giggling (she’s not saying clock), and deals with the matter in hand: ‘That’s not your clock, is it? That’s Grandma’s.’
‘Yes it is my clock! Not Grandma’s clock. It’s my clock.’ (Not saying clock. Insert your own immature giggling here.)
‘Where did you get it?’
‘It’s Grandma’s.’

10. On the park, for childrens
The Toddler is at the park. Silly Mummy suggests she has a go on the balance bar. The Toddler disagrees: ‘No. It’s for childrens.’ It is unclear what The Toddler thinks she is exactly (apart from not getting on the balance bar, of course).

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 15: We Are Not a Stinker
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits

A Spinny Armpits: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and The Toddler has a few suggestions for JK Rowling, but first here she is:

1. On doing spells
The Toddler is waving a hoover attachment at Silly Mummy and yelling, ‘A spinny armpits!’ Yes, she means ‘expelliarmus’. Silly Mummy likes The Toddler’s version better. Perhaps JK Rowling would like to rewrite the Harry Potter books with spells by The Toddler? And hoover attachments as wands. The Students can all visit Mr Dyson instead of Mr Ollivander: ‘The lint tool chooses the wizard, Mr Potter.’

2. On PA systems, conversations with
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in the supermarket, passing the travelator. Someone gets onto the travelator, and it starts giving its automated instructions: ‘Stand still and hold onto the hand rail.’ The Toddler is not one to miss out on a conversation, whether it involves her or not: ‘Right, I’m standing still. Standing still now.’ She’s actually sitting in the pushchair. Apparently she is expecting further input from the travelator. She reaffirms: ‘I’m standing still.’ The travelator is a bit rude and fails to acknowledge The Toddler’s compliance with its instructions. However, the PA system steps up to the mark to fill the conversational void: ‘Welcome to the store.’
‘Thank you,’ says The Toddler.

3. On getting her pyjama fix
The Toddler needs someone to help her put on her pyjamas. Strangely, she seems to want to undertake this activity in the style of a Guy Ritchie film or Irvine Welsh novel: ‘Mummy, are you going to sort me out? Daddy, you not sort me out. Mummy’s going to sort me out. You sort me out now, Mummy?’ Apparently, The Toddler is some kind of pyjama addict. She just needs one more hit. She’s going to quit, but she just needs Silly Mummy to sort her out one last time.

4. On dilemmas
The Toddler is doing forward rolls with Silly Daddy, but she has a problem: ‘I’m too big small.’ Well, that is a dilemma.

5. On Silly Daddy, knowing when to stop
The Toddler is no longer doing forward rolls with Silly Daddy. Silly Daddy does not know when to stop, but The Toddler is in control of the situation: ‘I think it’s enough, Daddy.’

6. On compliments, to others
The Toddler is continuing her campaign of raising Silly Mummy’s self esteem with compliments. This week, she likes to hold Silly Mummy’s face and whisper, ‘You’re very beauty.’ The Baby has also received Toddler-based confirmation that she is ‘very beauty’.

7. On compliments, to herself
The Toddler has not been leaving herself out of her compliments crusade, in case anyone was concerned. Walking around TK Maxx, she spots a mirror. She rushes over, grabs the sides of the mirror with both hands, puts her face millimetres away from the glass, and announces (loudly): ‘I’m so pretty!’

8. On roaring
Silly Mummy and The Baby are talking about tigers: ‘Roar!’ The Toddler is not happy with the situation: ‘Childrens don’t say roar, please.’

9. On evil queens
The Toddler likes to watch Enchanted. She struggles to remember the word ‘evil’. The evil queen appears. The Toddler is quite excited: ‘Look! Look! It’s her – the…awful queen!’

10. On shouting
The Toddler is shouting (repeatedly): ‘Everyone stop shouting!’ All attempts to explain to her that she is the one shouting are proving unsuccessful. Silly Mummy doesn’t think she can hear the explanation. Someone’s shouting.

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 17: I’m so busy