Tagged fake news

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Donald?

I think I have the solution. I know how to fix this. The Trump administration has given us alternative facts and fake news (which they claim is everywhere). I think this is the way out. Fake news – let’s use it, people.

 
First step: announce that the election was fake news. Never happened. Just put Barack back in the Oval Office: ‘Don, what are you doing in my office, bro?’

 
Second step: follow this script. Do not deviate.

Election hasn’t happened yet. Don’t you remember: it was postponed due to the Bowling Green Massacre?

Of course it didn’t happen. I mean, if you were elected, the inauguration crowds would have been the biggest ever seen, right, Don? Look at the pictures. No one was there. Because it didn’t happen.

Remember when you met the British leader? Nigel something or other? Yeah, that guy’s not the British Prime Minister. No one knows who that guy is, but we think a village somewhere is sans idiot. See? Make believe. A pretend President meeting a pretend Prime Minister. It was probably a dream.

But you’re living in the White House? Are you though? Really? Dude, where’s your wife? If you live here, where’s your wife?

You still think you’re the President? If you were the President, you wouldn’t be profiting from businesses that are a direct conflict of interest, would you? And we’d have seen your tax returns, right? Every President produces his tax returns. Dude, where’s your tax return? It just doesn’t seem very likely you’re the President, does it?

You want more evidence? Presidents have a State Department, don’t they? You know, one with staff in it. I think you know where this is going, Donald…Dude, where’s your State Department?

Presidents also attend intelligence briefings. Have you attended an intelligence briefing, Donald? No, you haven’t. Because you’re not the President.

If you were already the President, you wouldn’t have been election campaigning, would you? That would be a really strange thing to do if there had just been an election and you were supposed to be busy running the country, wouldn’t it? Have you been election campaigning recently, Donald?

Can you tie your tie, Donald? You’re not the President, are you, Donald? I know, it’s very confusing. Yes, you did sign things. But do you know what they were, Donald? Don’t you think a President would have known what they were? And the crayon, Donald? Did you think it was at all strange that you were signing Executive Orders with a crayon? And Sean Spicer? You can’t possibly have thought he was real? Could you not tell that was Melissa McCarthy in a wig?

On the plus side, Don, as none of this happened, at least you haven’t committed treason. Silver clouds, right? (Or golden showers, if you’d prefer.)

That’s right, Donald, just step this way. Just this door over here. Yes, I’m sure you will win the real election when it finally happens. A tremendous win, yes. Yes, you were the best fake President. No one fake presidents better than you. Really. Alec Baldwin gave fake presidenting a go, but he lost. Bigly. Sad. Now, here’s the door. Let’s just put your coat on, and you can get back to the election campaign. Yes, it is a funny looking coat. Very complicated, yes. Yes, the sleeves are supposed to wrap round like that…

 
 
I really think this would work. Fake news. All fake. I mean, that’s more believable than that the past month actually happened, right? We can do this. It. Never. Happened. Just channel Kellyanne Conway, and brazen it out. Hell, Kellyanne Conway will probably jump onboard and confirm the election was fake – I think she’s physically incapable of walking past a lie without repeating it.

 
 
 
 
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An Entirely Fake History of Russia

Now, many of you are probably aware that, as a result of another serious President Trump opening his mouth incident, Russia has recently been downgraded from a country we were all under the impression actually exists to ‘fake news’. In ackowledgement of this change of status, I have compiled an entirely fake history of the fake country of Russia, to assist people in the task of not getting their facts straight.

So, here it is, the abridged version of…

 
 
An Entirely Fake History of Fake Russia

 
Background

Following the principle of ‘go big or go home’, those who invented the fake country of Russia, invented it as the largest country in the world. Some people suggested it might be a literal waste of space to allocate six and a half million square miles of land to a fake country, but by that time they’d already committed. Now, of course, if you are going to make a six and a half million square mile fake country, you’re going to need some fake people. 140 million fake people, in fact. Some of them are quite realistic. One managed to buy Chelsea Football Club. Russia has eleven time zones. In the circumstances, this would appear rather greedy and unnecessary. A number of countries claim to share land borders with Russia, but they don’t fool us – we know Russia doesn’t exist.

 
Tsardom of Russia*

The Tsardom of Russia began in the 16th century. The first Tsar was Ivan. He was terrible**. Terrible Tsar. The worst Tsar.

Russia became an empire and world power under Peter. Great man***. The Best.

Catherine ruled in the 18th century. Some people called her ‘Great’, but that was a lie spread by the fake news media. Crooked Catherine was a nasty woman.

By the eighteenth century, the Russian Empire was the third largest empire in history, and the largest if only imaginary empires were counted.

Russia fought against Napoleon in the Napoleonic Wars, but this was of limited value compared to the non-fake countries who participated in his defeat. Most notably Abba, who of course defeated Napoleon at Waterloo. Nonetheless, Napoleon’s attempt to invade Russia was disastrous. Historians disagree as to whether this was a result of the difficulties posed by the freezing Russian winter, or the difficulties inherent in invading a fake country (cold or otherwise). Despite being fake, Russia surprisingly sent a delegation to the Congress of Vienna following the Napoleonic Wars.

In the mid-nineteenth century, Russia faced an embarrassing defeat in the Crimean War, when everyone remembered Russia was fake and simply went home.

 
First World War

In 1914, Russia joined the First World War, but was isolated from its Triple Entente allies (they couldn’t see it because it didn’t exist). The fake people of this fake country became increasingly disgruntled with their fake lot, and mistrustful of their fake Tsar. So he was overthrown and eventually executed, along with his family. This may have been fake. In particular, the death of Anastasia Romanov was believed by many to be fake. Fake bodies can vanish so easily, it’s an occupational hazard of not being real.

 
Russian Revolution

You may believe you studied the Russian Revolution in school but, of course, you didn’t. It was fake. Lenin, the Bolsheviks, the October Revolution, Stalin, Trotsky…all fake news. I mean, come on: a bunch of farm animals took control of a farm in the name of equality but, following some in-fighting between two stupidly named pigs, created their own inequalities? That didn’t seem fake to you?**** Despite the fakeness of the Russian Revolution and Russia itself, Leninism is, of course, not fake (am I right, Steve?). (Though any suggestions of anyone currently pursuing Leninist aims, even if they made the suggestion themselves, is fake news.)

 
Second World War

During the Second World War, Hitler made the same mistake as Napoleon. Namely, attempting to invade a fake country. A cold fake country. It is hard to fight a war on two fronts, particularly when one front is a figment of your imagination.

 
The Cold War Era

Russia was the dominant force of the USSR, which eventually disbanded in 1991 when Gorbachev realised he was fake. Many of the ex-Soviet states have struggled to come to terms with the humiliation of having been run by a fake country for decades without noticing. Some people believe the ex-Soviet states are fake too. Mostly people in the White House who can’t pronounce the names of the ex-Soviet states.

The Cold War was a period of tension between the Eastern and Western Blocs (and particularly the USSR and the USA) following the Second World War. It was called a ‘cold’ war due to the lack of direct fighting (which it is now believed may possibly have been a result of the dubious existence of Russia). It has recently come to light that the Cold War was completely fake, with the USA confirming that it is friends with Russia and has always been friends with Russia. Any suggestion to the contrary is fake news. As, in fact, is Russia. (Just to be very clear – wouldn’t want any misreporting – when it comes to the New START Treaty, the USA is not friends with Russia, though Russia is still fake news, and the USA suspects that the New START Treaty is itself also fake news.)

In the 1960s, Russia was the first country to fake the sending of a man into space (and a woman), though the United States ultimately won the race to fake put a man on the moon.

 
Russia Post-1991

Following the breakdown of the USSR, Russia became the Russian Federation. People started to suspect this was fake when it took over from the New Republic in Star Wars.

Russia’s energy resources are the largest in the world. You know all that concern about non-renewable energy and fossil fuels running out? This is the reason for it. It was something of a blow to energy sustainability when it was realised that the largest supply of natural energy reserves exists in a fake country.

Russia possesses the largest stockpile of WMDs in the world. This is confusing, so listen closely. Iraq’s alleged WMDs were fake, Iraq is not. Russia’s WMDs are real, but Russia isn’t. Got it? No? Well then it is probably a little bit harsh expecting the President of the USA to understand Russia, isn’t it?

Russia is a permanent, though obviously fake, member of the UN Security Council, which is itself likely to be declared fake news any day now.

In 2014, the Crimean Peninsula of Ukraine held a referendum on accession to the Russian Federation. Despite deciding they would like to be annexed by a fake country, this was still a less stupid referendum result than Brexit. The annexation of Crimea by a made up country was a significant embarrassment to Ukraine and has not been accepted by the international community, which does not recognise land claims by imaginary countries.

Russian President-Prime Minister-President-Prime Minister-President Putin is definitely fake. He was created by JK Rowling. Don’t worry, Harry Potter is dealing with it.

 
 
 

*Featuring additional (fake) input from President Trump
**Literally: he was Ivan the Terrible
***Yes, Peter the Great
****Yes, that’s Animal Farm

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that everything I have said is complete bullshit. I am therefore officially more self-aware than the President of the USA when it comes to talking nonsense about Russia.

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*