Tagged Funny sayings

The Toddler: Feminist, Artist, Tin Enthusiast

256px-Emmeline_Pankhurst_Arrested_1914The Toddler spent a couple of hours at Daddy’s work, and she has a story to tell. A gripping tale, full of twists and intrigue. It has something for everyone: DIY, confusion, mundanity, feminism.

The Toddler is off to a good start, beginning in classic narrative fashion.

‘I’m going to tell you the story about what I did at Daddy’s work.’

We’re all sitting comfortably. The Toddler will begin.

‘I drawed and drawed and drawed and drawed, and then I got Daddy’s screwdriver.’

No explanation relating to the screwdriver is forthcoming. It will remain a mystery – left to the audience’s imagination. Meanwhile, the story continues with further exploration of the drawing part of the excursion.

‘I drawed a curtain and some tins.’

A curtain? And some tins? Is this the most mundane toddler artist ever?

‘Yes, they were in the tin and there was another tin, but Daddy said that was just a stormtrooper.’

Ah, this is starting to make more sense. Well, if you remove stormtrooper references, that is. The drawing pencils were in a tin? The Toddler didn’t draw tins?

‘Yes. They were in a tin.’

So, what did The Toddler draw?

‘I drew a panker.’

Erm…a panker?

‘Yes, panker. Sister suffragette. From Kensington to Billingsgate…’

The Toddler breaks into a very good rendition of Sister Suffragette from Mary Poppins. Not the most mundane toddler artist ever, after all. A genius. And a feminist. Emmeline Pankhurst? The Toddler drew Mrs Pankhurst?

‘Yes, panker! Sister suffragette. Shoulder to shoulder into the fray…’

Daddy interjects: ‘Didn’t you draw Daddy?’

‘Oh, yes, it was Daddy, actually.’

So near and yet so far. The patriarchy crushes feminism once again. Emmeline Pankhurst and the rest of the suffragettes fought tirelessly for equal rights with daddies to appear in toddlers’ drawings. Yet, here we are, in 2016…

 
 
Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are open until 31st July. If you find me at all amusing, I would love nominations in the Best Comic Writer category. Nominating is very simple by following the link above. Thank you for reading my shameless begging.

Say Hello to My Little Friend: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

gift-1306852_1280It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, where The Toddler is Al Pacino, The Baby is Kevin Costner, and everyone else is ‘Grandad’.

Presenting The Toddler:

1. On ‘say hello to my little friend’

The Toddler is waving her cutlery around and talking to it: ‘They can be friends. Hello, friends.’
Silly Mummy giggles, and starts quoting The Inbetweeners to Silly Daddy: ‘Ooh, friends, cutlery friends!’
The Toddler, meanwhile, has her own quote, suddenly yelling: ‘Say hello to my little…’
Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy stare at each other. She surely can’t be about to entirely inadvertently quote Scarface?
‘…Dominoes!’
Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy collapse in hysterics. So near, and yet so…dominoes.

2. On the purple one

The Toddler has a question: ‘Can you tell me about the purple one?’
Silly Mummy is not entirely sure what The Toddler is talking about, and asks for some simple clarification: ‘What’s the purple one? What does it look like?’
The Toddler has got this: ‘It’s green. And it looks a bit like red.’ Oh. That purple one.

3. On mixed emotions

The Toddler is feeling a bit conflicted: ‘I really like this, but I really don’t like it so much.’

4. On presents

The Toddler is counting tea cups from her tea set with Silly Daddy. She is deliberately doing it wrongly. Silly Daddy informs her that she can have a present if she does it properly. The Toddler counts the cups properly. She awaits her present. Silly Daddy presents her with…the tea cups. The Toddler sighs and rolls her eyes: ‘You tricked me!’ She approaches Silly Daddy, holding out the tea cups. Presumably, she is returning the trick gift? Apparently not: ‘Can you wrap them?’

5. On The Baby, Kevin Costner

The Toddler likes to keep The Baby gainfully employed. Today, The Baby is apparently The Toddler’s bodyguard: ‘You have to stay with me, The Baby. It’s very dangerous out there, so you’ll have to keep an eye on me.’

6. On playing with Silly Daddy

Silly Daddy is tidying away toys. The Toddler and The Baby are ‘helping’. The Toddler comes to report to Silly Mummy in the kitchen: ‘Mummy, we are playing something with Daddy!’
‘Really? What are you playing?’
The Toddler considers: ‘Well…we’ve got no toys…’ When you put it like that, this sounds like the worst game ever.

7. On eating dinner

Silly Daddy is trying to get The Toddler to finish her dinner: ‘You have to eat your vegetables.’
The Toddler has a better idea: ‘Okay, you can eat the rest of it and I’ll watch.’

8. On the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe

Silly Mummy is reading the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe nursery rhyme to The Toddler. The Toddler is scandalised at the old lady’s actions: ‘Sent them to bed?! Outrageous!’

9. On noise

The Toddler is yelling at Silly Mummy: ‘THIS IS NOT ACTUAL NOISY! THIS IS PRETENDING NOISY!’ We need to work on the definition of ‘pretend’. And ‘noise’.

10. On playing nicely

The Toddler and The Baby are busy. The Toddler informs Silly Mummy: ‘I’m playing a game with The Baby, Mummy.’
‘Well, that’s nice. What game are you playing?’
‘Throwing things at her.’
Well, that’s not nice.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Silly Family are visiting Grandma. So are Auntie and Baby Cousin. The Baby sometimes doesn’t know people’s names, but she has a ‘fit all’ name that she knows will always get her out of trouble. Auntie is leaving the room. The Baby watches her go: ‘Where’s Grandad gone?’ Yep, social etiquette 101: if you forget someone’s name, you can’t go wrong with ‘Grandad’.

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 
Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are open until 31st July. If you find me at all amusing, I would love nominations in the Best Comic Writer category. Nominating is very simple by following the link above. Thank you for reading my shameless begging.

 
 

ethannevelyn

Thank You For Knowing It’s My Birthday: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

birthday-874783_1920It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things Feature. The Toddler is pleased Silly Mummy knew it was her birthday, while The Baby won’t be tricked into admitting anything.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On her birthday, remembered

It’s The Toddler’s third birthday. She has just had her breakfast, and is about to start opening presents, when she turns to Silly Mummy and politely declares: ‘Thank you for knowing it’s my birthday.’ (A further sweet thank you for knowing it was her birthday has been repeated most days since.)

2. On drawing, mandatory

The Silly Family are out for dinner. The Toddler is doing some colouring while she waits for her food. The waiter brings over the food and apologises: ‘Sorry for the wait.’
The Toddler looks at him and gestures at her paper: ‘I had to draw a lovely picture.’ Yes, look what The Toddler was driven to. Are you happy now, Waiter? She was forced to draw a lovely picture here. Because of you.

3. On Grandma, allowed to read

Grandma is visiting and it is The Toddler’s bedtime. The Toddler is objecting to going to bed while Grandma is downstairs. Silly Mummy asks: ‘Do you want Grandma to read you a book?’
The Toddler is in full sulky mode: ‘No!’ She stomps up the stairs. Halfway up she relents, grudgingly: ‘Oh, alright. If I must, Grandma can read a book.’

4. On abandoning ships

The Toddler has found a way to add some much needed drama to the simple act of getting off the sofa. She clambers down, yelling, ‘Abandon ship!’

5. On becoming a doctor

The Toddler is going to be seeing Grandad later. Silly Mummy has been explaining that Grandad might not play The Toddler’s chasing game because he has a bad knee. A short time later, The Toddler is on her toy phone: ‘Hello, is that Doctor Brown Bear?…Okay…Yes…Bye.’ The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy: ‘I called Doctor Brown Bear, and he has made me the doctor so I can look after Grandad’s leg.’

6. On her recorder

The Toddler has got a recorder. She is pleased with it: ‘I love my recorder so much. I ever don’t want to take it back to Tescos!’ (The recorder didn’t actually come from Tesco – The Toddler thinks all shops are Tesco.)

7. On seeing friends, on the side

The Toddler is going to an interactive play centre with her Little Friend. However, suspicions are raised that The Toddler may actually be cheating on another toddler friend, when she announces: ‘Today we’re going to see Little Friend on the side!’

8. On hair brushing

The Toddler is stalking Silly Mummy, ominously brandishing a hairbrush: ‘Now, do you want your hair brushed?’ No, not really. The Toddler proceeds regardless. It appears she has noticed that her clients are not always happy with the hair brushing service they receive: ‘And no shouting while I’m brushing your hair.’

9. On Silly Mummy, a bother

The Toddler is on her toy phone, as usual calling ‘Grandma’: ‘Hello, Grandma? Mummy’s a bit of a bother.’ The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘Aren’t you, Mummy?’ Rude, frankly.

10. On The Baby, her little face

The Toddler has formulated a cunning plan for situations in which she has been asked to stop doing something: exploit The Baby. Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler not to do any more forward flips. The Toddler implores: ‘But look at The Baby’s little face. She so wants to do some more!’ (The Baby is not at all interested – she wasn’t doing flips in the first place. Her little face is ambivalent/bemused.)

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby is cuddling her bear, Wilberforce. She approaches Silly Mummy and Grandad, clutching Wilberforce happily. Grandad asks: ‘Have you got Wilberforce?’
The Baby is concerned. This is probably a trick. She should not admit to anything. She sneakily flings Wilberforce across the room and answers the question: ‘No!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 

Diary of an imperfect mum

That’s Bonkers: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

baby-215867_1280It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and we’re a little bonkers (but all the best people are). This week, The Toddler would like you to stop fussing, while The Baby would like it to be known that this post is hers, not yours.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, too fussy

The Toddler has decided to pour her water onto her toast to ‘cool it down’. Silly Mummy objects to this plan of action. The Toddler thinks Silly Mummy is overreacting: ‘Oh Mummy, stop fussing, Mummy! I always pour water.’ (She does not in fact always pour water on her toast. This idea has not been trialed before.)

2. On Silly Mummy’s suggestions, bonkers

Silly Mummy has made a suggestion that The Toddler has some doubts about. Doubts that she subtly voices: ‘That’s bonkers!’

3. On cleaning the bathroom

The Toddler likes Silly Mummy to do cleaning and tidying in the bathroom while she has a bath. She is in her bath: ‘Mummy, can you do the cleaning?’
Silly Mummy knows her place: ‘Yes, I’ll get right on to it.’
The Toddler nods, and picks up her duck: ‘And I’ll get right on to toys.’
Silly Mummy can’t help but feel that she has drawn the short straw here in the division of labour. Nonetheless, the cleaning and tidying is started. A short while later, Silly Mummy declares: ‘Right, I’ve finished the cleaning.’
The Toddler looks around: ‘You need to do it again.’

4. On being angry

Silly Mummy has told The Toddler she can’t do something, and The Toddler is not happy: ‘I’m very, very angry, and I’m going to throw Mummy away!’

5. On changing her mind

The Toddler has been asked to come to the bathroom. Halfway there, she changes her mind and suddenly stops, announcing: ‘I think not.’ With that, The Toddler marches back to the living room.

6. On making tea

The Toddler has made Silly Mummy a nice (*ahem*) cup of tea: ‘Mummy, I’ve just made you a cup of tea…and there’s a scrambled egg in it. But it’s a bit dirty.’

7. On being informed

Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler to see if The Baby wants to eat her dinner. The Toddler reports back: ‘She’s been formed into me, no.’ (Silly Mummy thinks that’s ‘informed me’.)

8. On her day, not good

The Toddler has received some bad news. She is not allowed to pour bath water all over the bathroom. She admonishes Silly Mummy, the bearer of this news: ‘I’m not having a good day with you, Mummy.’

9. On dealing with estate agents

The Toddler is ‘helping’ the estate agent who is at the house. By talking to him incessantly while he tries to get on with his job. Silly Mummy attempts to intervene: ‘The Toddler, can you go and watch Ben and Holly, please?’
The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘No, I’m just dealing with something. You watch Ben and Holly.’

10. On Abney and Teal, bonking

Silly Mummy enters the living room, to be confronted by The Toddler shouting, ‘Mummy, are they bonking? Are they bonking?’ Erm, what?! Hasty investigation from Silly Mummy establishes that The Toddler is talking about Abney and Teal on CBeebies. Who are bouncing. Bouncing.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby has learnt the phrase ‘mine, not yours’ (Silly Mummy can’t imagine who she might have learnt that from). She is now in the toy aisle at the supermarket, chatting with other children. Okay, not chatting, exactly. More waiting until they touch a toy, and then pointing her finger at them and yelling: ‘Mine, not yours!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 

My Random Musings

We Have a Problem: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time, where The Toddler is arranging sight-seeing trips and lamenting having the wrong head. Meanwhile, in her corner, The Baby has developed an unintentional attitude.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On problems, urgent Baby assistance required
The Toddler is on the phone. She is phoning The Baby. The Baby is in her castle, on the other side of the room, obviously. Apparently, there is an emergency situation for The Baby to deal with: ‘The Baby, come quick! We have a problem…Someone has done something.’ Yes, sometimes The Toddler’s dramatic streak starts something it can’t finish. In a testament to The Baby’s willingness to assist her sister, she actually does come running for that rather vague anti-climax.

2. On being Snow White, not having the right head
The Toddler is dressed in her Snow White costume, but she has identified a problem with it: ‘I’m looking like Snow White, but I haven’t got a Snow White head!’

3. On The Baby’s food, eating it
Silly Mummy, The Toddler, The Baby and Grandma are at a cafe. The Toddler and The Baby are sharing a sandwich. However, The Baby is currently asleep, and her part is waiting for her. The Toddler has finished her own share and is now eyeing up The Baby’s share. As the sandwich was cut into three pieces originally, Silly Mummy decides The Toddler can eat The Baby’s half of the third piece (The Baby rarely eats as much as The Toddler anyway). The Toddler approves of this decision: ‘I’m sure The Baby won’t mind.’ The Toddler subsequently relents, and feels like she should leave a bit for The Baby: ‘The Baby can have a tiny little bit. That’s for The Baby.’ The Toddler sets aside the tiniest imaginable piece. Then she picks it up again and eats half of the tiny piece. She puts the remaining morsel back on the plate, before reaching for it once more: ‘Try a bit more of it.’ She eats the rest of The Baby’s tiny share. The Baby is apparently not getting her tiny little bit. The Baby is going to be lucky to get any sandwich at all, as The Toddler points at the remaining third of the sandwich – The Baby’s share – and declares: ‘That one’s for me!’

4. On her new single
The Toddler is thrilled to reveal her new single to the world: ‘So, what I’m going to sing is a new one. It’s called Going on the Step.’ As it turns out, this is less of a song and more of an interpretative dance, as The Toddler promptly (and silently) runs off to the step.

5. On castle building
The Toddler has plans, but she is not entirely confident about them: ‘I’m going to build a big castle. But I’m not very good at these things. But I can try.’

6. On anyone, not there
The Toddler is on the phone, but it appears no one else is: ”Hello? Is anyone there? No. Anyone isn’t there.’

7. On knowing what she’s doing
The Toddler is rushing up the stairs, and Silly Mummy warns her to be careful. The Toddler pooh poohs Silly Mummy’s concerns: ‘I will be careful. I know what I’m doing.’

8. On Lady Mummy
Silly Mummy has a new name, apparently. The Toddler dashes over: ‘Hi, Lady. Lady, what can I do for you? Thanks, bye, Lady!’

9. On toast, no time to lose
Silly Mummy has just informed The Toddler that her toast is ready. This is something The Toddler takes very seriously: ‘The toast is ready! Quick! No time to lose!’

10. On sight-seeing
The Toddler is trying to arrange a sight-seeing trip for The Baby: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s go and look at the view.’ The Baby seems underwhelmed. Possibly because the ‘view’ The Toddler is excitedly encouraging The Baby to come an inspect is…the sofa.

 
The Baby’s Corner
The Toddler is refusing to eat her dinner. Silly Daddy wants her to eat her dinner: ‘The Toddler, take a bite.’
The Baby wants to join in. She wants to take a bite. She nearly gets it right: ‘Bite me!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Off With My Head: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time again for the Ten Funniest Things feature. This week, The Toddler is a strict disciplinarian with a boring cough. Meanwhile, over in The Baby’s corner, she has certainly not been shopping for dinner.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On discovering and doing

The Toddler is listening to the Cbeebies Discover and Do song, and she objects.
Cbeebies presenter (singing): ‘Discover and do, discover and do, all the day through…’
The Toddler: ‘No, I don’t want to do that!’

2. On discipline

The Toddler is attempting to discipline The Baby again. The Baby is being escorted towards the naughty step: ‘You stay there for 100 years!’ That seems a little excessive. Silly Mummy thinks that The Toddler is now taking her disciplinary procedures from Maleficent.

3. On her head, off with it

The Toddler is also taking quite an extreme approach to disciplining herself (and entirely misunderstanding the methods of the Queen of Hearts), as she marches around the living room, yelling: ‘Off with MY head!’
(Henry VIII would not have got through nearly so many wives if he’d taken that approach…)

4. On being busy

The Baby is trying to show The Toddler something, but The Toddler is very busy: ‘I have no time for this, The Baby, at moment. I have important work to do.’

5. On coughs, boring

The Toddler is coughing, but is under no illusions as to how interesting this is: ‘My cough is bit boring.’

6. On lollipops, licey

The Toddler is offering tasty treats to the household today: ‘Do you want some lice lollipop? You lick it.’

7. On Silly Mummy, what she wants

A very generous The Toddler is offering Silly Mummy items of her choice. Anything Silly Mummy wants, apparently. The Toddler is not taking no for an answer. She’s quite insistent.
The Toddler: ‘What do you want?’
Silly Mummy: ‘Nothing, thank you.’
The Toddler: ‘Do you want something else?’
Silly Mummy: ‘No, thank you, I don’t need anything.’
The Toddler: ‘What do you want?’
Silly Mummy: ‘Nothing, thank you very much, sweetheart.’
The Toddler (after a pause): ‘…What do you want then?’

8. On biscuits v pirate ships

The Toddler is attempting to comfort a crying The Baby. With a frankly bizarre range of choices: ‘Do you want biccy or pirate ship?’

9. On The Baby, very rude

The Baby is running around with the roof from The Toddler’s wooden train, and The Toddler is scandalised: ‘I think The Baby took it away from my train. Cos The Baby was very rude to me!’

10. On books, too froggy

The Toddler and The Baby have a bath book featuring a duck and a frog. The Toddler has it and The Baby wants to take a look. The Toddler feels this is not a good idea. She has some concerns about unsuitable frog-related content: ‘It’s not good for you, The Baby: it’s too froggy.’

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby has been to the supermarket with Silly Daddy, and now she is waiting in her highchair for dinner. Silly Mummy is chatting with her: ‘Did you go shopping with Daddy? What did you get?’
The Toddler interjects: ‘The Baby got all the recipes for the din dins.’
The Baby does not agree, she shakes her head vigorously and waves her hands about: ‘No! No!’
Silly Mummy asks for confirmation: ‘Did you? Did you get all the bits for din din?’
The Baby is irate, there is more head shaking and arm waving: ‘No. NO DIN DINS!’
(This is disappointing news, as Silly Mummy and The Toddler are waiting for that dinner The Baby definitely did not get with Daddy.)

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Cardboard Panda: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said, this week featuring The Baby’s Corner and, unexpectedly, a silent item.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, putting up with her

Silly Daddy does an office job, and so generally works regular Monday to Friday hours. However, he occasionally has to do some extra hours on a Saturday. So it is a Saturday, and Silly Daddy is at work. The Toddler and The Baby have been out with Silly Mummy. Heading home, The Toddler is asking whether Silly Daddy will be there. Silly Mummy explains that Silly Daddy won’t be back until dinner time, like during the week, concluding flippantly: ‘And you’ll have to put up with Mummy.’
The Toddler nods seriously: ‘Yes, like I normally do.’ How rude.

2. On farewells, rude

The Toddler’s farewells are becoming significantly less polite: ‘See you soon. Don’t have a lovely day.’

3. On Silly Daddy’s shoe

The Toddler has something important she needs to tell Silly Mummy. She makes sure she has Silly Mummy’s full attention for her urgent and riveting tale: ‘Mummy, Mummy, MUMMY…I had a lovely time walking on Daddy’s shoe. And he said, “Give it back”.’ She runs off. Apparently that’s it. Well, that’s…good to know.

4. On herself, being the First Lady

It should be noted here that Silly Mummy often refers to The Toddler and The Baby as ‘ladies’. Also that The Toddler wants to come to the dinner table first. These facts, rather than an unusually sophisticated grasp on American politics for a two year old, probably explain her charging across the room announcing: ‘I’m the First Lady!’

5. On Kung Fu Panda

Silly Daddy has asked The Toddler if she’d like to watch Kung Fu Panda later. She is now very excited about the impending viewing of: ‘Cardboard Panda!’

6. On additional information, confusing

The Toddler’s explanations of her statements have progressed from adding nothing to adding contradiction and confusion: ‘When Grandma comes on Saturday, she doesn’t always come on Saturday.’

7. On road safety

The Toddler and The Baby are in the hallway, engaged in a game of imaginary outings. They’re mostly shopping. However, it does appear that The Toddler has somewhat misunderstood the principles of road safety: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s get to the main road.’ The rule would be stay away from the main road, The Toddler, not aim for it.

8. On psychoanalysis

The Toddler has taken up impersonating Sigmund Freud this week, and now responds to most information with: ‘Hmm, interesting.’ (Sometimes she opts for outright sarcasm, and responds to everything with a very disingenuous: ‘That’s interesting.’)

9. On her sister, wanting her back

Silly Daddy has walked off with The Baby like he owns her, and The Toddler is not happy. She speaks to Silly Daddy firmly: ‘Daddy, can you bring The Baby back cos that’s my sister.’

10. On armed (with a Peppa Pig rolling pin) robbery

(This final item is admittedly not something The Toddler said, but is deserving of a mention nonetheless.)

 
The Baby is pushing around her little toy shopping trolley. The Toddler comes up behind her with a toy Peppa Pig rolling pin, and points it at The Baby’s back. She proceeds to take the trolley from The Baby. It is essentially a toddler stick up.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby can say ‘Grandma’ (it was ‘Amama’, but now she has mastered ‘Grandma’). She cannot, however, say ‘Grandad’. She has solved this dilemma in the obvious manner: she calls Grandad ‘Grandma’. The Baby has seen a man at the till in the coffee shop. He reminds her of Grandad. As such, she is pointing at him whilst insistently yelling, ‘Grandma! Grandma!’ The man looks confused. Having paid, he goes to sit down (unsurprisingly, a long way from The Baby). The Baby is offended: ‘Where’s Grandma gone?’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Let’s Get Ready for the Interrogation: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

baby-1150954_1280In this week’s Ten Funniest Things The Toddler said post, we have toddler espionage, and you know what they say about too many toddlers in the kitchen…

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On the kitchen, too crowded
Silly Mummy goes into the kitchen. Before she can get the child gate shut, The Toddler barges in, The Baby hot on her heels. The Toddler looks around disapprovingly: ‘There are far too much childrens in this kitchen!’ Indeed.

2. On knowing nothing
Futile conversations with The Toddler, number 20808:
‘Mummy, you know what we do with tweezers, don’t you?’
‘What do we do?’
‘I’ve decided I don’t know.’

3. On having too much
The Toddler is trying to get extra mini gingerbread men: ‘Can I have one more?’ Silly Mummy hands her one. The Toddler pushes her luck: ‘Can I have too much?’ Silly Mummy thinks she got confused with ‘two more’.

4. On your marks
The Toddler is about to throw a ball to The Baby. She prepares The Baby: ‘Are you ready on your marks?’

5. On who’s been playing with her bubbles
The Toddler is having her bath. The Baby just had a bath. The Baby may have touched the bubbles during her bath. The Toddler is not happy. She seems to be doing her best Goldilocks and the Three Bears impression: ‘Who’s been playing with my bubbles?’ At least Goldilocks Baby didn’t fall asleep in them.

6. On I spy
The Toddler has taken up playing a lot of I spy of late. She hasn’t quite grasped the game: ‘My little I spy is something beginning with red. I win.’

7. On being disgusted
The Toddler has discovered the word ‘disgusted’, but she can’t quite pronounce it. She has got a bit of fluff on her finger. She holds it out to Silly Mummy: ‘Take it off! That’s insusted!’ She drafts in Silly Daddy’s assistance with the disgusting finger: ‘Daddy, we’ve got an insusted!’

8. On bouncing at her convenience
The Baby is watching Mr Maker. The Toddler is going upstairs for a nap. Halfway up the stairs, The Toddler hears ‘bounce everyone’ from the TV in the living room. She pauses and calls back down the stairs: ‘I can’t bounce just now, Mr Maker. I’ll do it later.’

9. On the interrogation
The Toddler and The Baby are playing together. Exactly what they are playing is called into question when The Toddler declares: ‘Right then, The Baby, let’s get ready for the interrogation.’ They’re probably just acting out their favourite John Le Carre novel again: Toddler, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

10. On elaboration
The Toddler has taken up expanding on her statements with additional information that adds literally nothing to what was already known: ‘When I ask for the big spoon, I ask for the big spoon.’

 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Where’s Daddy Gone: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time again for the Ten Funniest Things feature. This week, technically The Ten Funniest Things The Toddlers Said Last Week, as The Baby is putting in an appearance.

Silly Mummy presents The Toddler/The Baby:

1. On being Bruce Forsyth
The Toddler is talking to The Baby in the bath: ‘Haven’t you had a lovely time, The Baby?’ Yes, The Toddler is Bruce Forsyth.

2. On Little Red Riding Hood, not a shoplifter
The Toddler is pretending to be Little Red Riding Hood. Apparently, The Toddler’s Little Red Riding Hood has been suspected of shop lifting, and is keen to set the record straight. The Toddler puts a giant muslin on her head (as her hood, obviously), and marches off towards the door: ‘Hello, Grandma, I’ve got some food for you. I paid for it first.’

3. On what happens when the yoghurt is finished
The Toddler has finished her yogurt, and has a truly masterful grasp on all that entails: ‘All done now. No more eating it for me.’ (Gifted, you say? Why, thank you. It doesn’t seem presumptuous to say Mensa is being considered.)

4. On the pantomime
The Toddler has been having flashbacks again. This time to the pantomime she saw before Christmas: ‘When I was at pantomime, I saw Snow White. And Snow White was ill. And TV* was broken. And I clapped. And I said ‘boo’ to Evil Queen. And Evil Queen spun around. Woo. Mr Maker was her friend.’ Quite accurate, actually.

(*She means the magic mirror.)

 
5. On polite enquiries
Silly Mummy drops a bottle of shampoo in the bathroom. The Toddler, who has been raised extremely well, don’t you know, takes a (very) polite interest: ‘My darling, what did you do, darling?’

6. On the cat, not having a balloon
The Toddler has mastered the art of ‘because I said so’. The cat has been eyeing up her balloon, The Toddler is stern: ‘It’s my balloon, Cat. You can’t have it cos you can’t have it.’

7. On the monster, lost
The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy, looking sheepish: ‘Mummy, I’ve got a problem. I’ve lost the monster. Can you help me find him?’ Silly Mummy wasn’t actually aware that there was a monster, but it seems a reasonable request. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, to lose one monster can be considered a misfortune. Though, if she loses another, it will start to look like carelessness, and Silly Mummy will have to put her foot down.

8. On the best film for her
The Toddler is picking a film to watch. Silly Mummy says, ‘We’ve got How to Train Your Dragon, or shall we look for Kung Fu Panda?’
The Toddler knows what’s right for her: ‘No, I think dragon will be best for me.’

9. On giraffes, dog-like
The Baby likes to call all animals dogs at the moment. She presents Silly Mummy with a wooden giraffe: ‘Dog!’
Silly Mummy futilely corrects her: ‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
The Baby decides to give Silly Mummy a break. She smiles sweetly: ‘Giraffe-dog!’

10. On Silly Daddy, leaving
Silly Daddy is off to work. The Baby has decided she is not in the mood for long goodbyes this morning. She is literally showing Silly Daddy the door. Standing in the entrance way she points: ‘Door! Daddy, door!’ Silly Daddy is still saying goodbye to The Toddler. The Baby impatiently waves goodbye: ‘Daddy, door!’ Silly Daddy finally leaves. As he shuts the door, The Baby turns to Silly Mummy, looking surprised: ‘Where’s Daddy gone?’ Well, he was unceremoniously booted out of the house, The Baby. By you.

 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

That’s Moron, Isn’t It: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature. This week Silly Mummy is to learn the difference between ducks and swans, not eat her plate until later, and say sorry to the TV. Must do better, Silly Mummy. The Toddler, on the other hand is on top form.

Here she is:

1. On apologies, to inanimate objects
Silly Mummy is engaged in an argument with the TV, which is behaving badly and disobeying the remote control. Silly Mummy admits defeat, but not graciously: ‘Stupid thing!’
The Toddler is scandalised: ‘You mustn’t say stupid! Say sorry to the TV!’

2. On swans, not ducks
The Toddler and The Baby are watching Stick Man. Silly Mummy is not, but out of the corner of her eye sees something that looks like ducklings, and says, ‘Ooh, look, The Baby: ducks!’
The Toddler, in her best condescending tone, declares, ‘Mummy, that’s a swan.’ She’s right, it is.

3. On rain on her car
The Silly Family are heading out in the car. A few minutes after leaving the house, The Toddler looks out of the window and identifies a problem: ‘I’ve got to go home. It’s a bit raining on my car!’

4. On walking the plank
The Toddler is dressed in her pirate costume. She is waving her cutlass at The Baby. Silly Mummy makes a suggestion: ‘Tell The Baby to walk the plank, The Toddler.’
The Toddler turns to The Baby: ‘Do the plank walk, The Baby!’ That sounds more like some kind of group dance, doesn’t it?

5. On Silly Daddy, when he was a little girl
The Toddler is reflecting on her recollections of Silly Daddy’s younger days: ‘When Daddy was a little girl, he was very big.’

6. On drawing, contraptions for
The Toddler is doodling on her etch a sketch. She informs Silly Mummy: ‘I’m just doing some drawing. On my contraption.’ Contraption?? Where on earth did she learn that word?

7. On calling Grandma
The Toddler is conducting an imaginary phone call, and needs Silly Mummy to be quiet: ‘You shh. I’m talking on the phone to Grandma. She’s not here yet.’ The Toddler has instructions for ‘Grandma’: ‘You talk to The Baby.’ The Toddler holds out, well, nothing masquerading as a phone to The Baby. Who looks at the nothing in confusion, and doesn’t say anything. The Toddler takes back her ‘phone’: ‘I think The Baby is a bit shy, Grandma. What have you been doing, Grandma?’

8. On guided tours, of badness
The Baby (sometimes with The Toddler’s help) has taken up the helpful hobby of pulling all the DVDs off the DVD tower. The Toddler appears at the kitchen door while Silly Mummy is making dinner to report that The Baby is engaging in her hobby again. Silly Mummy comes to the living room to survey the carnage. The Toddler jumps in front of her: ‘Wait! I’m going to show you round!’ Silly Mummy joins The Toddler’s impromptu tour. Upon reaching the scene of the destruction, Tour Guide The Toddler points at the DVD pile on the floor, and prepares Silly Mummy for the worst: ‘This is bad.’

9. On saving your appetite
The Toddler is preparing plastic tea and toast. She hands Silly Mummy an empty plate while she goes off to make the plastic toast: ‘You can have your plate.’ She also has some instructions regarding the plate: ‘Don’t eat your plate now.’ Always good advice. She continues: ‘Eat your plate later.’ Ah, she’s just concerned that Silly Mummy will spoil her appetite if she starts eating plates now.

10. On Merida
The Toddler has been watching Brave. She quite likes it, but struggles with Merida’s name. Silly Mummy says, ‘There’s Merida – she’s playing hide and seek, isn’t she?’
The Toddler replies, ‘Yes, that’s…Moron, isn’t it?’

 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

I heard About That: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

In this week’s Ten Funniest Things post, Pirate Ship The Toddler can be found boogying with a bogeyman, never wearing trousers, and keeping up with all the latest gossip.

Here she is:

1. On giving The Baby a kiss, without causing alarm
The Toddler doesn’t wish to alarm The Baby, but she is going to be showing her some affection. She approaches carefully, arms out: ‘It’s okay, The Baby, but I’m just going to give you a kiss.’

2. On Fungus the Bogeyman
The Toddler has been enjoying Fungus the Bogeyman lately. Possibly because she expects him to break into a spot of disco dancing at any moment: ‘Can I watch boogie boogie man?’

3. On her important work, The Baby sitting on
According to The Toddler, The Baby is doing her ‘busy work’. (Please note: this is playing with Silly Mummy’s top.) The Toddler feels that The Baby needs to know when it is time to step aside and let someone else take over: ‘It’s my turn to do important work!’ (Please note: this means play with Silly Mummy’s top herself.) The Toddler prepares herself to begin her work, but quickly spots a problem: ‘The Baby is sitting on my work!’ (Please note: the ‘work’ The Baby is sitting on is Silly Mummy.)

4. On being a pirate ship
The Toddler believes the word ‘pirate’ should always be followed by the word ‘ship’. She got a pirate costume for Christmas. She can now be heard asking: ‘Can I wear my pirate ship on, please? I’m Pirate Ship The Toddler.’

5. On Silly Daddy, recognising his achievements
Silly Daddy has finished his dinner, a task The Toddler feels he does not often get sufficient recognition for. She decides to rectify the situation with a little praise: ‘Well done, Daddy. You did that all on your own!’

6. On naughtiness
The Toddler’s sharp analytic mind has got right to the root causes of naughty behaviour: ‘I’m just being naughty because I’m not very good.’

7. On needing car keys, because of the wind
Grandma is preparing to leave. The Toddler, as usual, is asking questions:
‘Do you need your car keys?’
Grandma confirms that she does indeed need her car keys.
The Toddler nods wisely: ‘Yes, you do need your car keys. Because it’s windy.’ Well, quite. Grandma is normally willing to walk the 120 miles home. But not in this wind. That would be silly.

8. On her trousers, never wearing them again
The Toddler has removed her trousers. Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler to put them back on. The Toddler makes a bold claim: ‘I’ll never put my trousers back on. Never.’

9. On being The Little Old Lady Toddler
The Toddler is chatting with Silly Mummy, who happens to mention something The Toddler might like to do. The Little Old Lady Toddler replies: ‘Yes, that would be nice, wouldn’t it, dear?’

10. On hearing things
The Baby is having a nappy change. The Toddler is ‘assisting’ (running around with baby wipes), and having a bit of a gossip. The Toddler has not entirely grasped the concept of gossiping. She chatters away: ‘Did The Baby do a poo?’
‘Yes, The Toddler.’
‘Yes, I heard about that.’ The Toddler hears things. She moves and shakes. She’s on top of all the latest water cooler gossip. (It also just happened and she was right here.)

 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Thank You for Having a Lovely Time: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

After a break, and now appearing on entirely random days of the week because, frankly, Silly Mummy is still not quite sure what day it is (normal service will probably be resumed around February), it is time once again for The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week (or, in this case, at some point in the past three weeks or so).

So, without further ado, here is The Toddler:

1. On going out, not very good at it
The Toddler is sitting at the table colouring, and apparently making plans for the rest of her day: ‘I go out. I go out in the snow.’ It’s not snowing, of course, but The Toddler has always liked to invent imaginary weather for her imaginary trips. She continues with her planning: ‘I need to put my boots on to go out in the snow.’ She appears to have this all in hand, except… ‘I don’t have a key.’ The Toddler is contrite in the face of her newly revealed going out inadequacies, and quickly steps aside for a more experienced go outer, turning to Silly Mummy: ‘Maybe you’d better go out – I’m not very good at it.’

2. On books, not today
The Toddler picks up a book and starts ‘reading’, before experiencing an abrupt change of mind: ‘No, I’m not going to read the book. Throw the book away. No books today.’ Flinging the book aside, she marches off.

3. On bidding visitors farewell
The Toddler has been attempting proper etiquette surrounding farewells to visitors, seeing Grandma off with: ‘Thank you for having a lovely time!’ She may have got a little confused. Presumably she meant ‘thank you for visiting’. Still, her version is sweet, if a little presumptuous.

4. On invitations to her house
The Toddler, it would appear, is in fact a bit confused about many aspects of this saying goodbye to visitors business. During the same farewell to Grandma following her visit to what we all thought was The Toddler’s house, The Toddler says, ‘When you come back next time, you can visit my house.’ Does The Toddler have another house she’s hiding?

5. On storytelling
The Toddler has decided to tell The Baby a story. It’s quite good. Concise. Relatable. Clear conclusion. ‘Once upon a time there was a little The Baby called The Baby. And The End.’

6. On giving affection, bossily
The Toddler is attempting the bossiest display of sisterly affection ever: ‘Do cuddle, The Baby. Come here and do cuddle. Stand here for cuddle. Come and stand just here, and give me a cuddle.’

7. On being Silly Daddy’s fairy godmother
The Toddler has picked up a stick (magic wand) on the beach. She has also recently become obsessed with the live action version of Cinderella. This is probably connected to what she is doing with the stick: ‘I do magic wand trick. Put Daddy into a dress.’ Probably connected. Either way, Silly Daddy is now pretending to be suddenly wearing a fetching ballgown.

8. On scheduling an audience with herself
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are at the shops. Silly Mummy is trying to speak to The Toddler, who is not currently available for Silly Mummy, informing her: ‘You be quiet. I’m just going to talk to The Baby, then I’ll talk to you.’

9. On that time she chopped off her hand
The Toddler is chattering to herself: ‘…That time I chopped off my hand…And I was very sad because I needed to see the doctor.’ Well, all Silly Mummy is saying is that this must have happened on Silly Daddy’s watch.

10. On Silly Mummy’s food, getting away
Silly Mummy has put down her (empty) bowl on the table, and is helping The Baby to finish her food. Silly Daddy comes and clears away Silly Mummy’s bowl, to much consternation from The Toddler: ‘Mummy, your food’s getting away! Get it back!’

 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

That Starry Mick: Ten Things The Toddler Said About Christmas

The Toddler had a few things to say on the subject of Christmas (and the subject of Mick). Here are her festive highlights.

1. The approach of Happy Christmas Day
Sitting in the bath a couple of days before Christmas, The Toddler knows exactly what is going on: ‘Only a couple more sleeps. Couple more sleeps until happy Christmas.’

2. That Starry Mick
The Toddler hears It Was on a Starry Night from Grandma. She requests a rendition of her new song from a confused Silly Mummy: ‘That Starry Mick! Sing That Starry Mick!’

3. Father Christmas’ gingers
The Toddler really latches onto the biscuits for Father Christmas aspect of Christmas. This may seem a very minor element of the whole experience to most, but biscuits are very important to The Toddler. Such that any mention of The Toddler seeing Father Christmas is met with: ‘And I give him gingers!’ (When The Toddler actually did see Father Christmas, she gave him a frown. He might have preferred the biscuits.)

4. Eyes on your own biscuits, please, Father Christmas
The Toddler is also quite concerned to ensure that Father Christmas is aware that he is only to eat his own biscuit allocation. A few days before Christmas, abruptly breaking off in the middle of playing, The Toddler announces: ‘Father Christmas can’t eat Daddy’s biscuit. Daddy’s not going to be happy.’

5. Excited, possibly
Silly Mummy reminds The Toddler of plans for Christmas Eve evening: ‘We’re going to go for a walk and look for Father Christmas’ sleigh, aren’t we?’
The Toddler believes the plan meets with her approval, but doesn’t wish to get carried away until she is sure: ‘Okay. I think I might be excited.’

6. The Snowman
Watching The Snowman, The Toddler narrates: ‘Now he’s sad and he melts. He can’t get up.’ However, it appears that her understanding of quite how sad it is that The Snowman can’t get up may have been tempered by frequent watchings, which may have convinced her he just gets up again another day: ‘The Snowman’s melted now. We’ll see him another time.’

7. Goodwill to all men
In the spirit of goodwill to all men, The Toddler masters the art of sharing. Taking a present addressed to both her and The Baby, she announces: ‘This is for me.’
Silly Mummy reminds her: ‘And The Baby.’
The Toddler considers and counters with: ‘And for me.’ The Toddler apparently will share, but is counting herself twice, so she gets double plays.

8. New Year
On New Year’s Eve, Silly Mummy is explaining New Year to The Toddler: ‘And tomorrow it will be the New Year…’
The Toddler interjects, she’s got this: ‘Then I’ll see The Snowman!’ Silly Mummy and The Toddler had just read The Snowman moments before. The Toddler likes to relate all new information to something she already knows about. Particularly if it is something she knows about from two minutes previously, regardless of relevance.

9. Silent Night
The Toddler is in the back of the car singing Silent Night:
‘All is calm
All is calm
All is calm
All is calm…’
Brilliantly, she breaks off to announce that she is singing Silent Night. Yes, ‘silent night’, The Toddler: those are more words of the song. Words you could sing that aren’t ‘all is calm’. No? Sticking with ‘all is calm’? I see.

10. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
The Toddler very nearly mastered the standard ‘merry Christmas and a happy New Year’ greeting. ‘Reading’ a gift tag, she declares, ‘It says happy new Christmas and a Christmas reindeer.’ Indeed.

R is for Hoppit: Talking Nonsense Since 2015 (a Review of Our Year)

I thought for the New Year (and in no way connected to not having actually written anything, a situation in itself in no way connected to having needed to watch A Christmas Carol and The Hogfather) I would do a quick review of R is for Hoppit’s 2015.

I say a review. That may be overstating things. Lists would probably be more accurate. Three lists, to be precise:

  • my top five most viewed posts of the year (well, since April – not existing January to April significantly reduced viewing figures for the blog in those months);

  • a pick of five of my personal favourite posts (that hadn’t already been included in most viewed); and

  • a selection of twenty five of The Toddler’s best quotes of the year taken from the Ten Funniest Things feature.

 
Most Viewed

1. Why Breast v Formula Should Not Be a Debate

2. Eight Times Having a Toddler Was Like Lord of the Flies

3. I’ll Tell You What, Mummy: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

4. Toddler Towers: Are All Toddlers Basil Fawlty?

5. Five and a Half Ways The Baby Is a Big Disappointment to The Toddler

 
Some Personal Favourites

1. How to (Not) Make Christmas Cards With a Toddler and a Baby

2. Trick or Treat (or Dog)

3. Only the Weak Are Cruel

4. Doctor Toddler Is Back and This Time She’s…a Hairdresser, Actually

5. Not Little Red Riding Toddler

 
The Best of the Ten Funniest Things Feature

1. Spinny armpits
The Toddler is waving a hoover attachment at Silly Mummy and yelling, ‘A spinny armpits!’ Yes, she means ‘expelliarmus’. Silly Mummy likes The Toddler’s version better. Perhaps JK Rowling would like to rewrite the Harry Potter books with spells by The Toddler? And hoover attachments as wands. The Students can all visit Mr Dyson instead of Mr Ollivander: ‘The lint tool chooses the wizard, Mr Potter.’

2. In my opinion, it’s not a cake
Silly Mummy is eating a muffin. The Toddler asks to try a piece. She looks at the muffin and says, ‘I think it’s a cake.’ Silly Mummy agrees that muffins are like cakes. The Toddler eats a bit and revises her original comment: ‘Well, in my opinion, it’s not a cake.’ This may well be the greatest thing she has ever said (in my opinion).

3. I don’t know thoughts
The Toddler is having trouble remembering the song she wants Silly Mummy to sing: ‘Can you sing…can you sing…can you sing…I don’t know thoughts!’ It is so annoying when you don’t know any thoughts, isn’t it? You know, when all the thoughts have just momentarily slipped your mind.

4. Tinkerbell The Toddler
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are watching a ferry sailing in. Silly Mummy is explaining that the boat has come from France. The Toddler has been a fan of announcing her name of late, so Silly Mummy tells her: ‘In France, instead of “I’m The Toddler” you say “je m’appelle The Toddler”. Can you say “je m’appelle The Toddler”?’
The Toddler nods: ‘Yes, tinkerbell The Toddler.’ So close.

5. Michael the dinosaur
The Toddler has a placemat with dinosaurs on it. Usually she puts her bowl on the placemat, eats her meals, and no more is said. However, The Toddler feels it is about time she had a bit more interaction with her placemat. She picks it up and addresses one of the dinosaurs: ‘Want a drink, Michael?’ (Michael?! Michael the Dinosaur?!) The Toddler proceeds to answer on behalf of Michael (Michael!) the Dinosaur: ‘Yes, thank you.’ Michael would like some water. He would also like everyone to stop calling him Michael. It’s ruining his street cred.*

(*Remember the velociraptor terrorising the people in the kitchen in Jurassic Park? Imagine if he’d been called Michael. Michael the Velociraptor would have been laughed out of that kitchen. Phil, the infamous Dinosaur Supervisor, might have got to keep his job.)

 
6. Stop thief
The Toddler has snatched a handful of The Baby’s lunch from the highchair. Silly Mummy says, ‘Don’t eat The Baby’s food, please. Give it back to her.’ The Toddler returns the food. Silly Mummy turns to The Baby: ‘The Baby, if The Toddler takes your food, say, “Stop thief!”‘ The Baby smiles. Two minutes later, The Toddler sidles over to the highchair, grabs another handful of The Baby’s food, and helpfully says, ‘Stop thief!’

7. Circus flashbacks
The Toddler is eating her dinner. She suddenly stops. She stares into the distance. She announces, ‘Went circus…With Grandma…And Daddy…Went clap, clap.’ She claps her hands. The Toddler returns to her dinner. The Toddler did go to the circus. With Grandma and Daddy. It was about a month ago. The Toddler is having circus flashbacks. You weren’t there, man! You don’t know!

8. The binoculars are not a camera
The Toddler is holding the binoculars from her little explorer set.
‘The Toddler’s camera!’
‘Binoculars, darling.’
‘Cheese!’
‘Those are binoculars, darling.’ The Toddler holds up the binoculars to the cat. They fail to take a picture of the cat.
‘Oh, The Toddler’s camera is broken!’
‘That’s because it’s binoculars, darling.’

9. I’ll go and sort it out
The Toddler has a new obsession with removing pyjamas from The Baby. The Baby is wandering the living room in her nappy. Silly Mummy says, ‘The Baby might be a bit cold now you’ve undressed her, The Toddler.’
The Toddler sets off after The Baby, ‘I’ll go and sort it out.’ Despite The Toddler’s air of calm competence, Silly Mummy can’t help but notice that she ‘sorts it out’ by commandeering The Baby’s ball. The Baby is still rather naked. And she now has no ball.

10. We are not a stinker
The Toddler has a new identity. As Queen Victoria. She has done a poo and Silly Mummy says, ‘I think you’re a stinker.’
The Toddler replies with the royal we: ‘We are not a stinker, are we?’ Silly Mummy believes we are a stinker, but we are certainly not amused. (See what we did there?)

11. I’m not a Hufflepuff
The Toddler appears to quite like Harry Potter, though Silly Mummy had assumed she did not take that much in. Silly Mummy assumed wrong. The Toddler is roaring and huffing, leading Silly Mummy to ask, ‘Are you the big bad wolf? Do you huff and puff?’
The Toddler gives Silly Mummy a disparaging look, ‘No, I’m not a Hufflepuff.’ There you go: taken it all in, right down to knowing which house is, frankly, a bit rubbish. Any allegation of being a Hufflepuff (or even something that sounds a little bit like it) will be firmly denied by The Toddler and her people (The Baby).

12. Are you talking about me
The Baby is babbling to herself. The Toddler goes over and sticks her face right in The Baby’s: ‘What you saying, The Baby? Are you talking about me, The Baby?’ Well, as they say, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean The Baby’s not talking about you.

13. I remember cheese
Silly Mummy asks The Toddler if she would like some cheese with her lunch. The Toddler replies, ‘Oh, cheese. I remember cheese.’ Ah, yes, my old chum cheese. I remember him well. Fought together in the war, you know. Wonder what old cheese is up to now. Jolly good.

14. It’s my yoghurt
The Toddler has just finished eating toast for lunch. She says, ‘Yoghurt, please.’ Silly Mummy fetches a yoghurt. The Toddler looks at it: ‘It’s strawberry.’ It’s banana. The Toddler thinks all yoghurts are strawberry.
Silly Mummy says, ‘It’s banana.’
‘Oh nana.’ The Toddler starts eating.
‘It’s not very nice.’ She eats another mouthful.
‘It’s not very nice.’ Another mouthful.
‘It’s not very nice.’ Another mouthful.
‘It’s not very nice.’ The Toddler is giving mixed messages.
Silly Mummy asks, ‘Can I try it, if you don’t like it?’
‘No. It’s my yoghurt.’

15. Shoo
Silly Mummy, Grandad, The Toddler and The Baby are out with the double buggy. A couple of women want to pass. The Silly Party moves over slightly to make room. All very courteous…but, wait! The Toddler wants to say something. Does she want to say ‘hello’, perhaps? ‘Nice to meet you’? ‘No, no: after you’? ‘Please do go past us, we’re a little slow’? No. The Toddler turns to the passing ladies: ‘Shoo! Shoo! Get away! Get away!’ The Toddler, ladies and gentlemen: so charming, such manners.

16. Just let me do the walking
The Baby is practising her new skill of walking, tottering across the living room unassisted, before falling down. Silly Mummy claps and praises The Baby. The Toddler appears. Clearly something is going on here. The clapping is a sure sign of something going on, and The Toddler is going to find out what it is.
‘What’s The Baby doing, Mummy?’
‘She was walking, darling.’
The Toddler considers this information, and turns to The Baby: ‘Just let me do the walking.’ That’s right, The Baby, step aside and leave it to the experts, this is not amateur hour.

17. Safety first
The Toddler and The Baby are playing. The Toddler has decided to ensure that all the appropriate regulations are being followed. She makes The Baby aware of the priorities: ‘Safety first, The Baby.’ The Baby looks at her soft, squishy ball in confusion, and flings it in a safety conscious manner at The Toddler’s head.

18. Look, Daddy, a clock
The Silly Family are going swimming. Silly Daddy is getting tickets. The Toddler has spotted something she wants Silly Daddy to see: ‘Look, Daddy, a clock!’ Except she’s not yelling ‘clock’. She never says ‘clock’. She always misses the ‘l’. Usually, the context makes her meaning clear. Usually, she can only mean ‘clock’. But this is the swimming pool, no assumptions should be made. A quick check of surroundings is warranted. Everyone is dressed. There is a clock on the wall. All is well.

19. Cut it off now
The Toddler is stroking Mummy’s hair: ‘This nice. Like it…Cut it off now?’ Well, that escalated quickly.

20. Toddler Frankenstein
The Toddler has recently been given a toy doctor’s kit. She picks it up and extracts the scissors and the tweezers. She approaches Daddy, sitting on the sofa: ‘Daddy, go to sleep.’
Daddy is understandably suspicious: ‘Why does Daddy have to go to sleep?’
The Toddler puts on a reassuring voice and slightly psychotic expression: ‘Daddy, sleep. Go to sleep, please.’ There is now a stand-off. The Toddler, still brandishing medical implements, continues to insist that Daddy just go to sleep, no questions asked. Daddy is sensibly remaining awake. There will be no experiments on Daddy today. But one day, Daddy will fall asleep and, when that day comes, Toddler Frankenstein will be waiting. With her tweezers.

21. It’s just my bottom
The Toddler asks, ‘What’s that noisy?’
Silly Mummy isn’t sure what noise she means: ‘What noise? Do you mean the tumble drier?’
The Toddler has resolved the issue for herself: ‘Oh no, Mummy, it’s just my bottom!’

22. Conversations with PA systems
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in the supermarket, passing the travelator. Someone gets onto the travelator, and it starts giving its automated instructions: ‘Stand still and hold onto the hand rail.’ The Toddler is not one to miss out on a conversation, whether it involves her or not: ‘Right, I’m standing still. Standing still now.’ She’s actually sitting in the pushchair. Apparently she is expecting further input from the travelator. She reaffirms: ‘I’m standing still.’ The travelator is a bit rude and fails to acknowledge The Toddler’s compliance with its instructions. However, the PA system steps up to the mark to fill the conversational void: ‘Welcome to the store.’
‘Thank you,’ says The Toddler.

23. I’m being quiet
Everyone is being quiet. This includes The Toddler, who wishes it to be known that she is participating in the being quiet. Into the, well, quiet, The Toddler hollers: ‘I’M BEING QUIET!’

24. I resent to you The Baby
The Toddler currently enjoys being presented to society. She requires Silly Mummy to announce: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…’ She will accept being presented in a number of ways: ‘the Lady The Toddler’, ‘the Right Honourable Pickle’, ‘Dame The Toddler’, ‘the Evil Queen’. In response to each, The Toddler giggles and gives an elaborate bow. She does not like to be introduced as ‘the naughty crocodile’. The Toddler also enjoys making announcements to present others (The Baby, mostly) to society. She often misses the ‘p’ off ‘present’, amusingly resulting in a lot of rather formal begrudging coming from The Toddler: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I resent to you The Baby!’

25. It is her bottom
The Toddler is in a dark corridor with ultraviolet lights at the aquarium. She is excited by everyone’s white items of clothing glowing. Grandma attempts to show her how the buttons on the front of Auntie’s coat are glowing: ‘Look at Auntie’s buttons, The Toddler.’
The Toddler inexplicably disappears around the back of Auntie, where she closely inspects Auntie’s backside: ‘Oh yes, there’s her bottom. It is her bottom.’ You may have misheard, The Toddler.

 
 
So, that was 2015 from R is for Hoppit. Talking nonsense, mostly, but at least we had fun. Happy New Year to all.

Excuse Me, Sir: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time (well, not time – it’s late, because last week’s was late and it has spiraled) for the Ten Funniest Things feature.

So, late for a very important date, here is The Toddler:

1. On how to wake sleeping princesses
It appears The Toddler has some funny ideas about how exactly the princes traditionally wake sleeping princesses in fairytales. She is watching Snow White. The prince is about to save Snow White: ‘She’s going to wake up. Now he’s here. He’s going to take his outfit off.’ (Silly Mummy, who does largely try to avoid actually watching Disney films, has a quick look to make sure The Toddler is not watching some kind of adult version. She is not. The prince is not taking his outfit off.)

2. On The Baby, Grandfathering
The Toddler and The Baby are playing. Silly Mummy is not sure what they are playing, but The Toddler appears to have cast The Baby in a somewhat unexpected role. She is following The Baby around the room calling: ‘Come here, Grandfather. Be careful, Grandfather. Grandfather!’ Silly Mummy is fairly sure The Baby has no idea how or why she came to be ‘Grandfather’, but she seems to be willing to accept being addressed as such. As long, that is, as The Toddler accepts that ‘Grandfather’ will be going about her business as previously scheduled, because The Baby is unsure what being a grandfather actually entails.

3. On veins, needy
The Toddler has an attention seeking circulatory system. It’s the only explanation for following Silly Mummy around demanding, ‘Mummy, look at my veins! Look at my veins!’

4. On Silly Mummy, not currently required
The Toddler has decided that Silly Mummy is currently dismissed. The Toddler will inform Silly Mummy when her presence is required again. She marches over: ‘You go back to bed. I’ll come back to you.’

5. On looking for her umbrella
The Toddler has pulled out one of the boxes from the storage unit, and now has her head in the hole: ‘I’m just looking for something. Just looking for my umbrella.’ She doesn’t have an umbrella. ‘Nope not here. It’s not even here.’ It would have been a little surprising if it was.

6. On being lost
The Toddler is lost. In the living room. In her house. ‘I don’t know where I are. I need to go home. I’ll be back in a minute. I do it on tiptoes.’ Those are excellent navigational tips, ladies and gentlemen. If ever you get lost at home, simply go home. On tiptoes.

7. On tables, missing
Silly Mummy is making something crafty. The Toddler decides she will make something too: ‘I get scissors!’ She runs off and returns with imaginary scissors. ‘Paper!’ She runs out again, appearing seconds later with her imaginary paper. She’s off again: ‘And glue!’ She returns, but is beginning to realise just how big an undertaking this imaginary crafting is: ‘Oh dear, I haven’t got a table either!’ Always annoying when you collect your imaginary supplies together only to realise you have no imaginary table to put them on. Amusingly, she was standing right next to a real table.

8. On hitting rhinos
The Toddler is energetically beating a stuffed rhino with her broomstick. Silly Mummy is confused. Is there a reasonable explanation?
‘Um, The Toddler…’
The Toddler has an explanation. It’s reasonableness remains questionable. ‘I’m just hitting rhino cos he been naughty.’
The Toddler continues with her punishment of the rhino: ‘Get away! Get away!’
Silly Mummy believes the rhino would love to get away. If the toddler would just stop hitting him with a broomstick for a second. Rhinos are endangered, you know, The Toddler. Oh, and also: we don’t hit because of alleged naughtiness. This should be added, as The Baby is starting to look nervous.

9. On Disney films, all blending into one
The Toddler wants to watch either Sleeping Beauty or Beauty and the Beast, but it is not very clear which one: ‘Can we watch Sleeping in the Beast? I want to watch Sleeping in the Beast!’ She subsequently decides this is not quite right and amends it slightly: ‘I like to watch Sleepy and the Beast!’ Ah, yes, a touching story of love against the odds between a tired dwarf and a cursed prince.

10. On Mummy Sir
The Toddler is on the other side of a child safety gate to Silly Mummy. She would like to be on the same side as Silly Mummy. Apparently, she is also Oliver Twist: ‘Excuse me, Sir, can I get in?’ Silly Mummy has no idea where this came from, but could get used to it. Yes, Sir, Mummy Sir.

 

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 23: I Resent to You
Week 27: In My Opinion