Tagged funny toddlers

History Explained for Toddlers

native-american-391108_1920Do you ever feel like you would like to impart some historical knowledge upon your toddlers, but struggle to explain significant events in history in terms they would understand? Fret no more: I present the definitive Guide to History for Toddlers.

 
1. Native Americans

You know when someone else has something you want, so you snatch it from them? And then you break it.

 
2. William Wallace

You know when you’re running half naked through the house, with something smeared all over your face, screaming, ‘You can take Peppa Pig away, but you’ll never take me up to bed!’

 
3. French Revolution

You know when you are surrounded by chaos, panic and disorder, but you’re just talking about eating cake?*

(*Yes, I know Marie Antoinette almost certainly never actually said ‘let them eat cake’.)

 
4. War of Independence

You know when you win a surprising victory against Mummy over something you want to do, but in hindsight it seems likely she was distracted by another battle going on with your sibling, and she wasn’t that motivated to stop you anyway?

 
5. Ancient Egyptians

You know when you worship the cat; one of your major methods of communication is drawing on the wall; and you like to construct massive and impressive structures in the living room, but no one is quite sure what they are for or why they have to be so big?

 
6. Gunpowder Plot

You know when you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing and you get caught? And actually someone else told you to do it, but they’re not there? Well, that, but the punishment was a bit more gruesome than the naughty step.

 
7. Great Fire of London

You know how you aren’t allowed to help with cooking? This is why.

 
8. Cold War

You know when you have your sister’s favourite toy and she has yours, and you are both threatening to break the respective toys if either of you makes a wrong move? Mutually assured destruction, baby.

 
9. First World War

You know when you’re engaged in a battle and you have absolutely no idea why, but nonetheless feel very strongly that you must fight and the destruction must be immense?

 
10. The Crusades

You know when you think everyone else should worship Peppa Pig as much as you do, so you start trying to force other people (who were happy worshipping Game of Thrones) to observe Peppa Pig? And you torture them with high pitched wailing if they resist.

Toddler Photography (Toddler Lessons: Part Seven)

fotagrafin-263381_1280Welcome to Part Seven of the Toddler Lessons series, where we will be looking at toddler photographic techniques.

 
1. Subject Matter

When you find a subject that works, such as a knee, stick with it. Take three million identical photos of the knee. Do not mess with a winning formula. The aim should be to create a series of photographs that would work as a flick book. A really dull one. A flick book of a day in the life of a knee.

Controversy sells, and it therefore pays to be as inappropriate as possible with your subject matter. Extreme close ups of family members’ breasts and crotches are ideal.

 
2. Composition

It is important to have an interesting and unusual viewpoint, as these add intrigue to a photograph. Photographs taken whilst face down on the carpet are perfect examples of this.

Correct placement of the main subject of the photograph is important. Achieving the right balance between different elements can be tricky. The simplest method, as advocated by toddler photographers, is to miss the subject of the photograph out altogether, thus negating the need for balance.

Plain and unobtrusive backgrounds are very important in photography, in order to avoid detracting from the main subject matter. So important are such backgrounds that, should a nice plain piece of wall be located, it should probably be photographed alone. Avoid detracting from the plain and unobtrusive background with any subject matter.

 
3. Motion

Capturing motion in photographs is a difficult skill. Toddler photographers recommend approaching it with the utmost zeal and commitment to the idea of motion: ensure that the subject, photographer and camera are all moving as much as possible.

 
4. Flash

The use of flash should be as startling as possible, particularly to the photographer.

 
5. Focus

This should be either entirely lacking or completely bizarre. Think out of focus family with crystal clear raisin box on coffee table.

 
6. Filters

Filters placed in front of the camera lens to modify and subtly alter the image are frequently used by toddler photographers. The most popular toddler photographic filter is known as ‘the finger’. ‘The finger’ subtly modifies images so that they display a subtle hint of finger.

 
7. Special Effects

These should be applied completely randomly, with no thought for aesthetics. A sepia toned radiator gives a vintage look to modern central heating. A bin with artfully blurred edges is always a winning composition.

 
8. Exhibitions

Every good photographer needs an exhibit. ‘Study in Patch of Beige Carpet’ should do it.

 
9. Panoramic Photography

Panoramic photography is so last year. Toddler photographers in the know now practice twirloramic photography. Twirloramic photography is a technique involving the spinning of a camera in a circle in order to capture a 360 degree image. The effect is widely admired as ‘dizzying’, ‘vomit-inducing’ and ‘blurry’.

 
10. Water Drop Photography

Some absurdly clueless adult photographers believe this is taking photographs of drops of water. Toddler photographers smugly mock this ignorance, whilst following the correct technique of dropping the camera in water.

 
 

(Please Note: As always, neither I nor toddlers know much about this subject. Please do not drop a camera in water.)

 
 
You can see other posts in my Toddler Lessons series here

 
 
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