Tagged Grandad

Thank You For Knowing It’s My Birthday: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

birthday-874783_1920It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things Feature. The Toddler is pleased Silly Mummy knew it was her birthday, while The Baby won’t be tricked into admitting anything.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On her birthday, remembered

It’s The Toddler’s third birthday. She has just had her breakfast, and is about to start opening presents, when she turns to Silly Mummy and politely declares: ‘Thank you for knowing it’s my birthday.’ (A further sweet thank you for knowing it was her birthday has been repeated most days since.)

2. On drawing, mandatory

The Silly Family are out for dinner. The Toddler is doing some colouring while she waits for her food. The waiter brings over the food and apologises: ‘Sorry for the wait.’
The Toddler looks at him and gestures at her paper: ‘I had to draw a lovely picture.’ Yes, look what The Toddler was driven to. Are you happy now, Waiter? She was forced to draw a lovely picture here. Because of you.

3. On Grandma, allowed to read

Grandma is visiting and it is The Toddler’s bedtime. The Toddler is objecting to going to bed while Grandma is downstairs. Silly Mummy asks: ‘Do you want Grandma to read you a book?’
The Toddler is in full sulky mode: ‘No!’ She stomps up the stairs. Halfway up she relents, grudgingly: ‘Oh, alright. If I must, Grandma can read a book.’

4. On abandoning ships

The Toddler has found a way to add some much needed drama to the simple act of getting off the sofa. She clambers down, yelling, ‘Abandon ship!’

5. On becoming a doctor

The Toddler is going to be seeing Grandad later. Silly Mummy has been explaining that Grandad might not play The Toddler’s chasing game because he has a bad knee. A short time later, The Toddler is on her toy phone: ‘Hello, is that Doctor Brown Bear?…Okay…Yes…Bye.’ The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy: ‘I called Doctor Brown Bear, and he has made me the doctor so I can look after Grandad’s leg.’

6. On her recorder

The Toddler has got a recorder. She is pleased with it: ‘I love my recorder so much. I ever don’t want to take it back to Tescos!’ (The recorder didn’t actually come from Tesco – The Toddler thinks all shops are Tesco.)

7. On seeing friends, on the side

The Toddler is going to an interactive play centre with her Little Friend. However, suspicions are raised that The Toddler may actually be cheating on another toddler friend, when she announces: ‘Today we’re going to see Little Friend on the side!’

8. On hair brushing

The Toddler is stalking Silly Mummy, ominously brandishing a hairbrush: ‘Now, do you want your hair brushed?’ No, not really. The Toddler proceeds regardless. It appears she has noticed that her clients are not always happy with the hair brushing service they receive: ‘And no shouting while I’m brushing your hair.’

9. On Silly Mummy, a bother

The Toddler is on her toy phone, as usual calling ‘Grandma’: ‘Hello, Grandma? Mummy’s a bit of a bother.’ The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘Aren’t you, Mummy?’ Rude, frankly.

10. On The Baby, her little face

The Toddler has formulated a cunning plan for situations in which she has been asked to stop doing something: exploit The Baby. Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler not to do any more forward flips. The Toddler implores: ‘But look at The Baby’s little face. She so wants to do some more!’ (The Baby is not at all interested – she wasn’t doing flips in the first place. Her little face is ambivalent/bemused.)

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby is cuddling her bear, Wilberforce. She approaches Silly Mummy and Grandad, clutching Wilberforce happily. Grandad asks: ‘Have you got Wilberforce?’
The Baby is concerned. This is probably a trick. She should not admit to anything. She sneakily flings Wilberforce across the room and answers the question: ‘No!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 

Diary of an imperfect mum

Cardboard Panda: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said, this week featuring The Baby’s Corner and, unexpectedly, a silent item.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, putting up with her

Silly Daddy does an office job, and so generally works regular Monday to Friday hours. However, he occasionally has to do some extra hours on a Saturday. So it is a Saturday, and Silly Daddy is at work. The Toddler and The Baby have been out with Silly Mummy. Heading home, The Toddler is asking whether Silly Daddy will be there. Silly Mummy explains that Silly Daddy won’t be back until dinner time, like during the week, concluding flippantly: ‘And you’ll have to put up with Mummy.’
The Toddler nods seriously: ‘Yes, like I normally do.’ How rude.

2. On farewells, rude

The Toddler’s farewells are becoming significantly less polite: ‘See you soon. Don’t have a lovely day.’

3. On Silly Daddy’s shoe

The Toddler has something important she needs to tell Silly Mummy. She makes sure she has Silly Mummy’s full attention for her urgent and riveting tale: ‘Mummy, Mummy, MUMMY…I had a lovely time walking on Daddy’s shoe. And he said, “Give it back”.’ She runs off. Apparently that’s it. Well, that’s…good to know.

4. On herself, being the First Lady

It should be noted here that Silly Mummy often refers to The Toddler and The Baby as ‘ladies’. Also that The Toddler wants to come to the dinner table first. These facts, rather than an unusually sophisticated grasp on American politics for a two year old, probably explain her charging across the room announcing: ‘I’m the First Lady!’

5. On Kung Fu Panda

Silly Daddy has asked The Toddler if she’d like to watch Kung Fu Panda later. She is now very excited about the impending viewing of: ‘Cardboard Panda!’

6. On additional information, confusing

The Toddler’s explanations of her statements have progressed from adding nothing to adding contradiction and confusion: ‘When Grandma comes on Saturday, she doesn’t always come on Saturday.’

7. On road safety

The Toddler and The Baby are in the hallway, engaged in a game of imaginary outings. They’re mostly shopping. However, it does appear that The Toddler has somewhat misunderstood the principles of road safety: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s get to the main road.’ The rule would be stay away from the main road, The Toddler, not aim for it.

8. On psychoanalysis

The Toddler has taken up impersonating Sigmund Freud this week, and now responds to most information with: ‘Hmm, interesting.’ (Sometimes she opts for outright sarcasm, and responds to everything with a very disingenuous: ‘That’s interesting.’)

9. On her sister, wanting her back

Silly Daddy has walked off with The Baby like he owns her, and The Toddler is not happy. She speaks to Silly Daddy firmly: ‘Daddy, can you bring The Baby back cos that’s my sister.’

10. On armed (with a Peppa Pig rolling pin) robbery

(This final item is admittedly not something The Toddler said, but is deserving of a mention nonetheless.)

 
The Baby is pushing around her little toy shopping trolley. The Toddler comes up behind her with a toy Peppa Pig rolling pin, and points it at The Baby’s back. She proceeds to take the trolley from The Baby. It is essentially a toddler stick up.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby can say ‘Grandma’ (it was ‘Amama’, but now she has mastered ‘Grandma’). She cannot, however, say ‘Grandad’. She has solved this dilemma in the obvious manner: she calls Grandad ‘Grandma’. The Baby has seen a man at the till in the coffee shop. He reminds her of Grandad. As such, she is pointing at him whilst insistently yelling, ‘Grandma! Grandma!’ The man looks confused. Having paid, he goes to sit down (unsurprisingly, a long way from The Baby). The Baby is offended: ‘Where’s Grandma gone?’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Trust Me, I’m a Toddler

Grandad is visiting. The Toddler needs to take a look at his leg. Thankfully, The Toddler is a doctor today. Goodness knows what we would have done if this had been one of the days when she is an imaginary painter and decorator.

Anyway, Grandad’s leg is playing up. Literally. It keeps waving around in a most indecorous manner. The Toddler is not impressed. This is not the proper way for a leg to behave. She tells the leg, in no uncertain terms, to: ‘Calm down!’

Doctor Toddler feels further investigations are needed: ‘Get doctor kit. Need to fix you, Grandad.’ The Toddler rushes off and returns with her doctor’s kit. She is now ready to take care of Grandad. She explains what she will be doing to Grandad: ‘Me check you.’

Out comes the stethoscope. The Toddler puts it on and holds the end to Grandad’s chest: ‘Breathe out.’ (Breathe out? Where has she learnt this? Has Silly Mummy tuned out the episode of Peppa Pig where Peppa goes to medical school: ‘Oh, Peppa! You can’t use defibrillators in a muddy puddle! Ho ho ho!’)
Grandad asks, ‘Am I okay?’
The Toddler is reassuring: ‘Yeah.’

The examination is not yet over. The Toddler is now brandishing an otoscope and prodding at Grandad’s ear. Grandad enquires, ‘How’re my ears?’
The Toddler has further good news: ‘It’s good!’

Grandad is not The Toddler’s only patient. The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy, waving medical instruments: ‘And you!’ Apparently, Silly Mummy is also due for a health check. Silly Mummy is a little nervous: The Toddler’s Peppa Pig and George figures have already undergone preliminary tests. Silly Mummy fears the results were not good: Peppa and George have been bundled into the doctor’s kit. That can’t be a good sign.

The Toddler has now checked Grandad’s reflexes with her little hammer, and threatened to ‘do something’ with the tweezers. Her examination of Grandad is complete, and The Toddler appears to have identified the problem. She points at Grandad: ‘This is not funny!’ It’s just good to finally have a diagnosis.

Daddy

DaddyAbout Daddy (‘Silly Daddy’). Daddy reads ‘The Gruffalo’ (with silly voices). Daddy builds forts (with the seat cushions from all the chairs). Daddy does the big slides and the fun rides (18 month old on a ferris wheel, anyone?) Daddy tickles. Daddy throws (balls, toddlers, babies). Daddy chases. Daddy carries. Daddy teaches us to say ‘fart’. (Good work, Daddy. That was a fun few days out in public for Silly Mummy. Thankfully, we are currently on a hiatus from the word, if not the activity.) Daddy sometimes has a beard.

Yes: about that. The Toddler often points at random bearded men and shouts, ‘Daddy!’ This is comical for the following reason. Daddy’s beardedness (when present) falls somewhere in the stubble to moderately bearded range. The men The Toddler points at invariably fall in the ridiculous to Father Christmas range. If it wasn’t for (a) the anonymity of the blog, and (b) Silly Mummy’s feeling that it is probably inappropriate to photograph either random men or their beards, this would by now have led to a feature. The feature would involve pictures of Daddy and pictures of random bearded men The Toddler has yelled ‘daddy’ at. The feature would be called #BeardyDaddy (don’t really get hashtags, #gettinginvolvedanyway). There would be a special ‘Beardy Daddy, The Prequel’ edition, featuring a picture of Silly Mummy’s Daddy and a picture of Ian Botham, who Silly Mummy believed was also Daddy for much of the early eighties.

The Toddler has a few things to say on the subject of Daddy.

Daddy’s tickles: ‘Oh, Daddy, no! No, Daddy!…More gain! More tickles!’

Breakfast with Daddy: ‘Eat brekkie. Watch chugga. Daddy eaty food.’ Apparently, they watch Chuggington, then.

Dancing with Daddy (the Hokey Cokey, this is evidently not optional): ‘In out shake it all about, Daddy. Doing in out now, Daddy!’

Things Daddy says on the telephone (The Toddler is speaking to ‘Daddy’ on her tricycle’s toy phone): ‘The Toddler speak Daddy. Hello, Daddy. Mummy speak.’ Mummy dutifully takes the phone to speak to Daddy, as instructed. The Toddler snatches the phone back. Mummy is not speaking to Daddy. The Toddler is speaking to Daddy. The Toddler hangs up. Silly Mummy asks, ‘What did Daddy say?’
‘Moo! Cow. Chicka. Monkey. Daddy monkey.’ Wow. Daddy is quite the telephone conversationalist.

Seeing Daddy outside her bedroom window: ‘Daddy climby wall!’ Daddy did once climb the wall to work on the roof. The Toddler now checks for daddies ‘climbying’ walls every time she looks out of her window.

Daddy returning home: ‘Daddy get home now!’ The Toddler says this when it is close to the time Daddy usually returns from work. It is not an observation: it is a command. (The Baby concurs with The Toddler: ‘A rah rah rah! A rah!’ Indeed.)

The Baby has something to say on the subject of Daddy, too: ‘Dada! Dada!’

The Toddler and The Baby have things to say about Daddy, but they don’t yet have the words they need to say all there is to say. If they did, they would tell you that Daddy is fun, Daddy is loving, Daddy is practical, Daddy is brave, Daddy is strong. (Daddy is also, of course, Batman. The Toddler does have the words for that.) They love Daddy.

Silly Mummy has words, so she will try to tell you about her own Dad (Grandad Grumps). Her clever, loving, strong, supportive, amazing Dad. Her Dad, who is always there for her, who has done so much for her, and who she loves more than she can say. Her Dad, the proud, doting – and very loved – Grandad.

Silly Mummy will also tell you about Grandad Pop, Silly Daddy’s Dad. Another strong and loving father, who taught Silly Daddy to be a father. A man who adores The Toddler and The Baby, and Silly Daddy; and who they adore in return.

This is a blog about the things The Toddler talks about, and these – the strong and loving daddies of our families – are (quite rightly) some of The Toddler’s favourite things to talk about (and some of The Baby’s favourite people to shout nonsense at).

Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby wish a Happy Father’s Day* to the wonderful Silly Daddy, and to the two wonderful Dads who are now also wonderful Grandads. We love you very much.

(*’Happy Birthday!’ says The Toddler, confused by the presents.)