Tagged humour writing

Random Things I’ve Seen: The Missing Third Floor

library-1599992_1920Welcome to Part Three of the Random Things I’ve Seen series. Technically, this is a random thing I haven’t seen.

The third floor of the city library seems to have gone astray. It’s on the floor guide, but it does not exist. At the top of the stairs to the second floor, there are no more stairs and no more library. Where is the third floor? Even the floor guide on the second floor, at the top of the stairs that go no further, refers to the third floor. What? There are no stairs: where is it??

Now, there is a lift. Perhaps, for some unknown reason, the third floor is accessible from the lift, but not the staircase. This may be a more plausible explanation than my other suggestions below (it is certainly less reliant on quantum physics and/or magic). However, I did not test this theory. Lifts make me nervous in the best of circumstances, and I am certainly not using one to try to locate a floor that may not exist. Get inside a small, enclosed, suspended-over-a-drop metal box and press a button for a mysterious location I am not certain is there? Er, no.

I pursued every possible avenue in the search for the missing third floor (apart from the lift, of course). I checked all doors, did a full rotation of each floor, looked for alternative staircases, trap doors, moving staircases (in case it’s a wizarding library a la Hogwarts). In so far as it is possible to look suspicious in a library, I looked suspicious. I looked like I was casing the library, which is probably not something people often do. Still, most people probably mistakenly believe that all there is to case in a library is used books. They don’t know about the lost floor.

The alleged third floor allegedly contains the cafe. Perhaps this is an elaborate plan to keep down costs – you know, because the overheads are lower on imaginary cafes. Of course, a simpler way of achieving this would be to just not have a cafe AND not claim that you do. But perhaps the library powers that be felt that, if they pretend there is a cafe, people would somehow convince themselves that they went to it and had coffee and cake, thus allowing the library to maintain customer satisfaction levels whilst keeping costs down. (Of course, this only works as a cost cutting exercise if the library is not purchasing supplies for the advertised cafe. If they are fully stocking the cafe that no one can locate, it is probably costing rather a lot.)

Perhaps the third floor is Schrodinger’s floor: it might exist, it might not. Perhaps the floor that may or may not exist may or may not be storing a box in which a cat may or may not be alive.

I have read mysteries in which there have been libraries with secret floors. But this has always been along the lines of, if you count the floors from the outside or the stairwell, there is an extra floor not marked on any floor plans. A secret floor for hiding things. What we have here, a floor that IS marked on floor plans but does not in fact exist, however, would be an interesting tactic for the purpose of hiding things. Except for the floor itself, of course, which is, admittedly, well hidden.

Possibly, the missing third floor is due to an eddy in the space-time continuum. If so, I hope Eddy is enjoying the coffee and cake in the missing cafe, because none of the rest of us can bloody find it.*

Perhaps library bosses thought it looks more impressive to have a third floor (or wanted to beat those measly two-floored libraries in some kind of weird height based library contest), and that no one would notice if it wasn’t actually there. Of course, if you are hoping no one will check, a cafe is probably not the best choice for what to pretend you are keeping on your fake floor. The complete collection of Madonna’s stories for children would be better. Or all those books that everyone claims to have read, but no one actually has (like War and Peace, and everything after the first paragraph of Lord of the Rings).

The mystery of the missing third floor of the library continues. I have been Silly Mummy reporting from, well, the second floor, since the third floor ISN’T BLOODY THERE. More on this story as it develops (i.e. if a third floor develops).

 
 

(*Shout out to Douglas Adams on the eddy joke. I’m sure fans of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy would have noticed the shameless theft, not of Adams’ actual lines but of the general idea, there. I’m equally sure that everyone who has never read that book thinks I’ve gone a little mad. Incidentally, if you haven’t read it, it is a great read – check it out. Though, if you happen to live near me, you may be out of luck if the ‘A’s are kept on the third floor of the library…)

 
 

Interested in other posts in the Random Things I’ve Seen series? Read the first post, Random Things I’ve Seen: The Elizabeth I Dress, and the second post, Random Things I’ve Seen: The M&S Heist.

 
 

My Random Musings

Friday Frolics – 12th August 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up last week. You all out did yourselves with the funny, linking up some truly hilarious posts.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Single Mum Speaks – That’s Not a Baby’s Name. Min discusses the minefield of baby naming. Apparently, her son is not actually called Piglet. Who knew?! But he doesn’t have a baby’s name either. And Princess is never acceptable. For anyone, not just Piglet, who probably isn’t called Princess.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘You The Daddy – The Gross Side Of Pregnancy. So true. I Ioved the bit about the bath, having spent virtually nine months in the tub when I was pregnant with my first. It was the only place I could get comfortable. But getting out? Wowzers!’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘The Unsung Mummy – How to Be a Good Parent Employer and Not Be a Twat. This post reminded me why I am very lucky to be a stay-at-home mum. No twattish employers for me – hurrah! Hilarious post with brilliant drawings that illustrate all points marvellously. Every employer in the land needs to read this!’

 
Most Read Post

Mumzilla – Real Life Birth vs Movie Birth

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Friday Frolics – 5th August 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up last week. You all out did yourselves with the funny, linking up some truly hilarious posts.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Nipper & Tyke – How to Host the Perfect Barbecue. Forget all those unachievable guides to perfect hostessing – this is the correct and only way to host a barbecue (or any kind of party). And those bloody bubble wands!

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Rhyming With Wine – A Soft-Play Rite Of Passage…Sniff. I love posts that can simultaneously make me laugh and cry. It’s a true testament to brilliant writing, and Dawn’s poem did just that.’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Right Royal Mother – Bringing America’s Sippy Cup Back Home. Another brilliantly witty post from Polly, that involves the most expensive Pimms known to man, and a low flying, exploding nappy! Typical day out then.’

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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