Tagged Humour

A Public Service Guide to Household Appliance Espionage

Now, I know many of you are deeply concerned by the revelation* that our microwaves are spying on us. The machines are rising up. Big Blender is watching you.

As you all know, I am nothing if not helpful, and I love a good public service guide. So, here’s my guide to your household appliances and their espionage links. Be informed. Know what you can trust.

 
 
The Risks

 
1. Microwaves

Microwaves, of course, cannot be trusted. Assuming that you know absolutely nothing about how microwaves work, lack all common sense, and have some form of paranoid delusional disorder, you will be aware that microwaves can sometimes turn into cameras and spy on you. Of course, there are some tips you can use to reduce the risks. Always microwave your food on under 50% power. The power setting is also the camera focus. When it’s cooking on 30% power, all pictures are blurry. No intelligence agency in the world can do anything with blurry footage of you singing I’m Too Sexy into a wooden spoon, while your soup cooks (slowly, because 30% power).

 
2. Vacuum Cleaners

Do you even need to ask. They literally have access to every corner of your life: as if there was ever any doubt that they are spies. Vacuum cleaners are particularly dangerous. They turn into teleporters. They collect your DNA from around your house and teleport it to Secret Service agents who, using cutting edge technology, are then able to ascertain that you are in fact living in your own house. Though, of course, that information will be classified.

 
3. Fryers

The fryer is a double agent. It really works for the treadmill.

 
4. Televisions

This one is very technical, so try to keep up. You know the little person who lives in your TV and writes the subtitles? Right, well, he or she also transcribes everything you say and sends it to shadowy persons unknown. Of course, if you’ve ever watched subtitles, this probably won’t concern you too much. Shadowy persons unknown will be receiving words only vaguely resembling actual words spoken, and only approximately a third of every sentence at that. Good luck with that, shadowy persons unknown (maybe look into anyone with an apparent interest in building bums).

 
5. Fridges

Just playing with you. You can trust your fridge.

 
6. Alarm Clocks

The alarm clock specialises in mind control and subversive techniques. Think about it. Did you want to get up? No. You just find yourself mindlessly obeying. Meanwhile, the snooze function literally creates sleeper agents.

 
7. Toasters

Don’t worry, your toaster isn’t spying on you. It’s just trying to kill you. Sleep well.

 
8. Showers

Well, really, I think if you need to be told never to get naked in front of any of your appliances, you are beyond help.

 
9. Hairdryers

Don’t be so paranoid. The hairdryer just wants you to look your best. You know, because there’s always someone watching.

 
10. Dishwashers

The dishwasher is the big spy boss. The M of the household appliance espionage operation. Be careful around it. Try developing a secret code or sign language if you need to communicate in the presence of the dishwasher (though make sure you are not in view of the microwave, obviously). Every so often, approach the dishwasher and whisper, ‘I’m on to you.’ Just to psyche it out.

 
 
What Next?

So, now we’ve identified the threats, what should you do? First of all, don’t panic. Survival is all about remaining calm under pressure. You will never make it in the cut-throat world of household espionage and intrigue if you fall apart at the first sign of being interrogated by the kettle.

Be safe and prepared. Wear a colander on your head at all times.

Have a strong disguise. Camoflage is key. Dress yourself as the curtains, or a banana, and your appliances will never realise you are actually in the house.

Don’t be surprised if you begin to receive secret communications from the radiators. There is an underground resistance. If you need to escape fast, speak to the dishes and the spoons: they can help you.

Know your rights. The hoovers have gone rogue, but most appliances do still recognise the Geneva Conventions. In the event of a breach of human rights, your electric whisk will represent you before the Tribunal, which will be presided over by the toasted sandwich maker.

As you sit dressed in your curtains and colander, eyeing your toaster suspiciously, muttering veiled threats in the direction of your dishwasher, taking legal advice from the whisk, and silently plotting your escape with the dish and spoon, whilst communicating only through blinks, you may begin to suspect you have actually gone mad. This is what they want you to think. Stay strong.

 
 
****AND FINALLY, REMEMBER: Careless talk…is of absolutely no interest to your microwave because it’s a f*?!*ing microwave.****

 
 

(*For ‘revelation’, read ‘bat shit crazy piece of nonsense from Kellyanne Conway’)

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Donald?

I think I have the solution. I know how to fix this. The Trump administration has given us alternative facts and fake news (which they claim is everywhere). I think this is the way out. Fake news – let’s use it, people.

 
First step: announce that the election was fake news. Never happened. Just put Barack back in the Oval Office: ‘Don, what are you doing in my office, bro?’

 
Second step: follow this script. Do not deviate.

Election hasn’t happened yet. Don’t you remember: it was postponed due to the Bowling Green Massacre?

Of course it didn’t happen. I mean, if you were elected, the inauguration crowds would have been the biggest ever seen, right, Don? Look at the pictures. No one was there. Because it didn’t happen.

Remember when you met the British leader? Nigel something or other? Yeah, that guy’s not the British Prime Minister. No one knows who that guy is, but we think a village somewhere is sans idiot. See? Make believe. A pretend President meeting a pretend Prime Minister. It was probably a dream.

But you’re living in the White House? Are you though? Really? Dude, where’s your wife? If you live here, where’s your wife?

You still think you’re the President? If you were the President, you wouldn’t be profiting from businesses that are a direct conflict of interest, would you? And we’d have seen your tax returns, right? Every President produces his tax returns. Dude, where’s your tax return? It just doesn’t seem very likely you’re the President, does it?

You want more evidence? Presidents have a State Department, don’t they? You know, one with staff in it. I think you know where this is going, Donald…Dude, where’s your State Department?

Presidents also attend intelligence briefings. Have you attended an intelligence briefing, Donald? No, you haven’t. Because you’re not the President.

If you were already the President, you wouldn’t have been election campaigning, would you? That would be a really strange thing to do if there had just been an election and you were supposed to be busy running the country, wouldn’t it? Have you been election campaigning recently, Donald?

Can you tie your tie, Donald? You’re not the President, are you, Donald? I know, it’s very confusing. Yes, you did sign things. But do you know what they were, Donald? Don’t you think a President would have known what they were? And the crayon, Donald? Did you think it was at all strange that you were signing Executive Orders with a crayon? And Sean Spicer? You can’t possibly have thought he was real? Could you not tell that was Melissa McCarthy in a wig?

On the plus side, Don, as none of this happened, at least you haven’t committed treason. Silver clouds, right? (Or golden showers, if you’d prefer.)

That’s right, Donald, just step this way. Just this door over here. Yes, I’m sure you will win the real election when it finally happens. A tremendous win, yes. Yes, you were the best fake President. No one fake presidents better than you. Really. Alec Baldwin gave fake presidenting a go, but he lost. Bigly. Sad. Now, here’s the door. Let’s just put your coat on, and you can get back to the election campaign. Yes, it is a funny looking coat. Very complicated, yes. Yes, the sleeves are supposed to wrap round like that…

 
 
I really think this would work. Fake news. All fake. I mean, that’s more believable than that the past month actually happened, right? We can do this. It. Never. Happened. Just channel Kellyanne Conway, and brazen it out. Hell, Kellyanne Conway will probably jump onboard and confirm the election was fake – I think she’s physically incapable of walking past a lie without repeating it.

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

An Entirely Fake History of Russia

Now, many of you are probably aware that, as a result of another serious President Trump opening his mouth incident, Russia has recently been downgraded from a country we were all under the impression actually exists to ‘fake news’. In ackowledgement of this change of status, I have compiled an entirely fake history of the fake country of Russia, to assist people in the task of not getting their facts straight.

So, here it is, the abridged version of…

 
 
An Entirely Fake History of Fake Russia

 
Background

Following the principle of ‘go big or go home’, those who invented the fake country of Russia, invented it as the largest country in the world. Some people suggested it might be a literal waste of space to allocate six and a half million square miles of land to a fake country, but by that time they’d already committed. Now, of course, if you are going to make a six and a half million square mile fake country, you’re going to need some fake people. 140 million fake people, in fact. Some of them are quite realistic. One managed to buy Chelsea Football Club. Russia has eleven time zones. In the circumstances, this would appear rather greedy and unnecessary. A number of countries claim to share land borders with Russia, but they don’t fool us – we know Russia doesn’t exist.

 
Tsardom of Russia*

The Tsardom of Russia began in the 16th century. The first Tsar was Ivan. He was terrible**. Terrible Tsar. The worst Tsar.

Russia became an empire and world power under Peter. Great man***. The Best.

Catherine ruled in the 18th century. Some people called her ‘Great’, but that was a lie spread by the fake news media. Crooked Catherine was a nasty woman.

By the eighteenth century, the Russian Empire was the third largest empire in history, and the largest if only imaginary empires were counted.

Russia fought against Napoleon in the Napoleonic Wars, but this was of limited value compared to the non-fake countries who participated in his defeat. Most notably Abba, who of course defeated Napoleon at Waterloo. Nonetheless, Napoleon’s attempt to invade Russia was disastrous. Historians disagree as to whether this was a result of the difficulties posed by the freezing Russian winter, or the difficulties inherent in invading a fake country (cold or otherwise). Despite being fake, Russia surprisingly sent a delegation to the Congress of Vienna following the Napoleonic Wars.

In the mid-nineteenth century, Russia faced an embarrassing defeat in the Crimean War, when everyone remembered Russia was fake and simply went home.

 
First World War

In 1914, Russia joined the First World War, but was isolated from its Triple Entente allies (they couldn’t see it because it didn’t exist). The fake people of this fake country became increasingly disgruntled with their fake lot, and mistrustful of their fake Tsar. So he was overthrown and eventually executed, along with his family. This may have been fake. In particular, the death of Anastasia Romanov was believed by many to be fake. Fake bodies can vanish so easily, it’s an occupational hazard of not being real.

 
Russian Revolution

You may believe you studied the Russian Revolution in school but, of course, you didn’t. It was fake. Lenin, the Bolsheviks, the October Revolution, Stalin, Trotsky…all fake news. I mean, come on: a bunch of farm animals took control of a farm in the name of equality but, following some in-fighting between two stupidly named pigs, created their own inequalities? That didn’t seem fake to you?**** Despite the fakeness of the Russian Revolution and Russia itself, Leninism is, of course, not fake (am I right, Steve?). (Though any suggestions of anyone currently pursuing Leninist aims, even if they made the suggestion themselves, is fake news.)

 
Second World War

During the Second World War, Hitler made the same mistake as Napoleon. Namely, attempting to invade a fake country. A cold fake country. It is hard to fight a war on two fronts, particularly when one front is a figment of your imagination.

 
The Cold War Era

Russia was the dominant force of the USSR, which eventually disbanded in 1991 when Gorbachev realised he was fake. Many of the ex-Soviet states have struggled to come to terms with the humiliation of having been run by a fake country for decades without noticing. Some people believe the ex-Soviet states are fake too. Mostly people in the White House who can’t pronounce the names of the ex-Soviet states.

The Cold War was a period of tension between the Eastern and Western Blocs (and particularly the USSR and the USA) following the Second World War. It was called a ‘cold’ war due to the lack of direct fighting (which it is now believed may possibly have been a result of the dubious existence of Russia). It has recently come to light that the Cold War was completely fake, with the USA confirming that it is friends with Russia and has always been friends with Russia. Any suggestion to the contrary is fake news. As, in fact, is Russia. (Just to be very clear – wouldn’t want any misreporting – when it comes to the New START Treaty, the USA is not friends with Russia, though Russia is still fake news, and the USA suspects that the New START Treaty is itself also fake news.)

In the 1960s, Russia was the first country to fake the sending of a man into space (and a woman), though the United States ultimately won the race to fake put a man on the moon.

 
Russia Post-1991

Following the breakdown of the USSR, Russia became the Russian Federation. People started to suspect this was fake when it took over from the New Republic in Star Wars.

Russia’s energy resources are the largest in the world. You know all that concern about non-renewable energy and fossil fuels running out? This is the reason for it. It was something of a blow to energy sustainability when it was realised that the largest supply of natural energy reserves exists in a fake country.

Russia possesses the largest stockpile of WMDs in the world. This is confusing, so listen closely. Iraq’s alleged WMDs were fake, Iraq is not. Russia’s WMDs are real, but Russia isn’t. Got it? No? Well then it is probably a little bit harsh expecting the President of the USA to understand Russia, isn’t it?

Russia is a permanent, though obviously fake, member of the UN Security Council, which is itself likely to be declared fake news any day now.

In 2014, the Crimean Peninsula of Ukraine held a referendum on accession to the Russian Federation. Despite deciding they would like to be annexed by a fake country, this was still a less stupid referendum result than Brexit. The annexation of Crimea by a made up country was a significant embarrassment to Ukraine and has not been accepted by the international community, which does not recognise land claims by imaginary countries.

Russian President-Prime Minister-President-Prime Minister-President Putin is definitely fake. He was created by JK Rowling. Don’t worry, Harry Potter is dealing with it.

 
 
 

*Featuring additional (fake) input from President Trump
**Literally: he was Ivan the Terrible
***Yes, Peter the Great
****Yes, that’s Animal Farm

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that everything I have said is complete bullshit. I am therefore officially more self-aware than the President of the USA when it comes to talking nonsense about Russia.

I Will Survive Brexit (a Parody)

It’s parody time. This time I Will Survive, which I have re-imagined being performed by various people and groups in response to Brexit.

I give you…

 
 
I Will Survive Brexit

 
(Nigel Farage)

At first I was afraid I was petrified,
Kept thinking I would be ignored if we actually left.
But then I spent so many nights just watching CNN,
And I saw Trump and now I’m back again.

Oh, I just lie!
I will survive.
The President thinks I run the British Isles.
I’ve got all my wealth to hold.
This elevator’s made of gold.
And I’ll survive,
I will survive.

 
(Boris Johnson)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
Kept thinking the economy could never live without the EU on our side.
But then I spent so many nights just thinking I could be PM,
And I joined Leave, and I started spewing phlegm.

And so that backfired.
I just walked in to find against me Gove had conspired.
I should have thought this through.
I should have learnt diplomacy,
If I’d have known for just one second I’d be Foreign Secretary.

 
(The Rest of the EU)

And your leader is someone new.
The EU Summit is not acknowledging that shrew.
And now she’s standing all alone,
Her welcome’s wearing rather thin.
And now we’re saving all our air kisses
For someone who’s staying in.

Go on May, go. Walk out the door.
Just turn around now ’cause you’re not welcome anymore.
Weren’t you the one who tried to break Europe with goodbye?
Did you think we’d crumble?
Did you think we’d negotiate, well, why?

Why should we try?
We will survive.
As long as we’ve got the Single Market, we know we’ll stay alive.
We know that it’s enhancive.
We’ve got all our trade to give.
And we’ll survive,
We will survive.

 
(Leave Supporters)

And so we felt like taking back our sovereignty.
It’s our favourite word after democracy.
We should have learnt what these words mean.
We can’t name one EU law.
We just wanted an excuse to kick immigrants out the door.

Now we must go. Walk out the door.
It’s what the people want, so we’re not listening anymore.
Weren’t you the ones who tried to hurt us with some facts?
Did you think we’d stop being lunatics?
Did you think we’d stop behaving like such dicks?

No, we don’t care!
We will survive.
As long as Farage lies to us we know that we will thrive.
We live a life of fantasies.
Spewing stupid fallacies.
And we’ll tell lies.
We will tell lies.

It took all the strength we had not to check our facts.
Kept trying hard to ignore all the evidence that detracts.
And we spent all our facebook time just claiming we are not racists.
We used to hide, now we wear bigotry with pride.

 
(Remain Supporters)

Do you see them? Our government?
We’re starting to believe that they’re incompetent.
And they’re making it all worse.
They haven’t got a clue.
Have these imbeciles even heard of the EU?

Go on now go. Walk out the door.
Just don’t make us join you, we want to stay in some more.
Weren’t you the ones who believed that bus’ lies?
Come on now, really,
Are you expecting a pig that flies?

Oh no, not us!
Don’t make us leave.
Oh from this stupidity please grant us a reprieve.
The economy will slump.
Please don’t befriend Trump.
Don’t make us leave.
We don’t want to leave.

 
 
 
 

My Random Musings

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

The Toddlers’ Alternative Facts

Having previously supported Brexit (twice), it is with alarm that I note The Toddlers are now cheerfully embracing the Trump regime’s ‘alternative facts’.

 
 
In no particular order, I present The Toddlers’ Top Ten Alternative Facts of the week:

 
1. This is not dinner, it is ‘alternative lunch’

In which The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby refused to have dinner. That is, she was happy to eat the food, but only if we would concede that she was eating lunch, despite it being 6pm, and lunch already having been eaten that day.

 
2. This is not naughty, this is ‘alternative good’

In which The Toddlers promised to behave for a brief trip to the supermarket, wreaked havoc, ran away, The Artist Formerly Known as Standing Up became The Artist Now Known as on Her Back in the Middle of the Aisle, and they subsequently adamantly claimed that they had indeed behaved.

 
3. This is not cheese, this is Babybel

In which The Artist Always Known as The Toddler claimed she does not like cheese (anymore) but likes Babybel.

 
4. I did not want this

In which the Artist Always Known as The Toddler pulled off a double and refused to eat the previously requested Babybel, claiming never to have wanted it.

 
5. This is not Ring a Ring o Roses, this is ‘Alternative The Hokey Cokey’

In which The Artist Always Known as The Toddler became enraged at Mummy singing The Hokey Cokey wrong by missing out many lyrics that have always been there before. Namely: ‘A-tishoo! A-tishoo! We all fall down.’ These lyrics have emphatically never been part of Ring a Ring o Roses, which is not a different song.

 
6. This is not an entire box of tissues on the floor

In which The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby, standing in a tissuey pile of evidence to the contrary, maintained that she had followed instructions to take just ONE tissue.

 
7. This is not a meerkat, it is an ‘alternative tiger’

In which the previously cool reputation of tigers took something of a battering at the hands of The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby, who was looking at a pack of meerkats that were definitely tigers.

 
8. This is not hers, it is ‘alternative mine’

The favoured alternative fact of both toddlers, at all times. Quickly followed by…

 
9. It was not a push, it was an ‘alternative hug’

The Artist Always Known as The Toddler’s ‘alternative hugs’ tend to be followed by The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby’s ‘alternative haircuts’ (ie, pulling out a handful of hair).

 
10. This is not disobedience, this is ‘alternative doing exactly what you asked, Mummy’

In which The Toddlers helpfully assisted in a number of activities by doing exactly as they were asked…in a manner that in no way resembled what they were asked to do.

Twenty Seventeen (a Dystopian Tale)

donald-trump-1269282_1920I’ve had an idea for a book*. It’s a great idea. Nobody has better book ideas than me. All of the other books are overrated. I will write a great, great book. And I will make Mexico pay for that book.**

 
 
Plot Summary

The year is 2017. Wilbert Jones lives in the superstate of Trumpia. The superstate is dictated by a political regime referred to as ‘Altright’ in the government’s invented language, Fakenewspeak. Trumpia is controlled by a privileged elite, known as The Billionaire Party. Any thinking at all is punished as a ‘thoughtcrime’.

Trumpia was formed as a result of the Stupid Revolution, during which masses of the population decided to rebel against nothing very much in the most illogical manner possible, based on a belief in the most ridiculous lies imaginable. Significant sectors of society, furious at having a better standard of living and more rights than before, were convinced that they should no longer stand for this nonsense and demanded a return to ‘greatness’ (a word which here means ‘poverty, oppression and racism’). Meanwhile, rich, white males felt compelled to rebel against being the world’s most powerful group by demanding more power. Following The Stupid Revolution, The Billionaire Party was apparently in control of Trumpia. No one is quite sure how this happened.

The Party leader, Bigly Hand Brother, enjoys a cult of (narcissistic) personality, and inexplicably refers to himself only in the third person. Bigly Hand Brother is much loved, mostly by himself, and receives great praise and thanks, again, mostly from himself. Some people believe that Bigly Hand Brother does not really exist. He may have been created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Or be Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest persona. Bigly Hand Brother and The Billionaire Party are interested only in their own power. They have no interest in the well-being of the citizens of Trumpia.

Trumpia has four ministries. The Ministry of #AlternativeFacts rewrites history, deletes tweets, burns tax records and lies through its teeth. The Ministry of You Can Do Anything deals with equality and women’s rights. The Ministry of Greatness is responsible for cutting healthcare, birth control and tax for the rich, and destroying trade agreements, all in the best interests of well-being and prosperity for the normal man. The Ministry of White Supremacy has responsibility for construction (walls), supply (white sheets with eye holes), and the military (goose-stepping and salutes). The Ministry of the NRA is concerned with production (more guns).

A secret underground organisation, known as ‘The Women’, intends to destroy The Party. Bigly Hand Brother has declared The Women to be ‘big, fat pigs’. Instructions have been issued that any person found to be a member of The Women may be grabbed.

There are two other superstates: Europeanunionia and Russia***. There is a state of perpetual, unwinnable war between the superstates. Trumpia is at war with Europeunionia. Trumpia is friends with Russia. Trumpia has always been friends with Russia. A populace familiar with ‘Nothink’ seems to have accepted this, though it is not true. In fact, Trumpia, back in the days before the Stupid Revolution when it was known as ‘America’, was once an ally of Europeunionia, and at war with Russia. The new alliance began during ‘Hate Month’ in November 2016. A month Bigly Hand Brother dedicated to stirring up hatred of everything, except Russia. Brainwashed citizens now repeat the phrase ‘we’ve always been at war with Europeanunionia’. They have been told by the Party that the war is over Europeanunionia’s resettlement of some refugees (although this really isn’t any of Trumpia’s business) and, rather improbably, Europeunionia’s production of much better cars than Trumpia.

Whilst the Billionaire Party live in gold plated luxury, the standard of living for the majority of the population is intentionally kept low. The unwinnable war and breaking of trade agreements assist with this, along with the work of the Ministry of Greatness. The citizens of Trumpia are kept under constant surveillance. By Russia mostly.

Wilbert Jones works in the Ministry of #AlternativeFacts, censoring reality. He erases ‘overrated’ people, and creates crowds of people attending inaugurations. It is Wilbert’s job to ensure all figures, including those relating to hand size, are greatly exaggerated. References to debts owed to Russia, misspelt tweets, rape allegations and the Nineteenth Amendment to the Constitution are all eliminated by Wilbert and his colleagues in the Ministry.

Wilbert attempts to resist the Billionaire Party and sets up an alternative twitter account (@altwilbert).**** However, after being tricked by someone he believed to be an agent of The Women, who was really working for The Party, he is captured by the ‘Nothought Police’. He is ultimately waterboarded into submission. Bigly Hand Brother likes waterboarding.*****

 
Terminology of Trumpia

‘Nothink’ is the principle of accepting and repeating any claim – no matter how ludicrous, immoral, contradictory or blatantly untrue – without giving it a second thought, or subjecting it to any level of analysis, critical thinking or fact-checking.

‘Thoughtcrime’ refers to engaging in any rational thought at all. It is punished by the ‘Nothought Police’. Twitter is monitored to detect any citizens engaging in thinking. Bigly Hand Brother personally deals with twitter related thoughtcrime.

Fakenewspeak is a language invented by Bigly Hand Brother and The Party. It consists of a combination of nonsense words, misspelt words, and real words used in a ridiculous manner. Many have suspected that Fakenewspeak is a product of utter stupidity and inability to use the original language of America correctly. Bigly Hand Brother has refuted this claim, stating that: ‘Fakenewspeak is a great, great language – nobody makes up languages better than me, believe me.’

 
 
What do you think? Great book idea, right? I can’t shake the feeling that it is somehow familiar, though…******

 
 

(*I haven’t.

**All based on Trump quotes, just in case anyone thinks I’ve lost the plot.

***Conveniently didn’t even need adjusting – already ended in ‘ia’.

****Do check out the rogue twitter accounts apparently set up by employees of various US agencies that have had their official accounts gagged by the Trump administration. Let’s hope they’re real.

*****And other *ahem* ‘water’ based activities.

******It is familiar. It’s based on Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell, of course.)

 
 
‘There will be no curiosity, no enjoyment of the process of life. All competing pleasures will be destroyed. But always – do not forget this – always there will be the intoxication of power, constantly increasing and constantly growing subtler. Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.’

– George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four

Lullaby for Toddlers

the-pleiades-star-cluster-11637_1920Twinkle, Twinkle Go to Bed

 
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I (Put down that toy car!)
Up above the world so high,
(We’re trying to sing this lullaby.)

When the blazing sun is gone,
(Into bed now, please come on!)
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle (Bed! That’s right.)

Then the traveller in the dark
(No, we can’t go to the park!)
He could not see where to go,
If (Yes, I see it’s your shadow.)

In the dark blue sky you keep,
And (INTO BED! It’s time to sleep!)
For you never shut your eye
Till (I’m not playing I spy.)

As your bright and tiny spark
Lights the (I said no to the park!)
Though I know (You can’t have bread!)
Twinkle, twinkle (GO TO BED!)

Songs That Should Come With a Parental Advisory

child-1884904_1920Now, I know everyone tends to think they should probably avoid playing Eminem around their toddlers, maybe give the uncensored version of Lloyd’s Dedication to My Ex a miss. Well, I’m here to tell you that there are a whole host of seemingly innocuous songs out there with completely inappropriate lyrics for children. These songs are a terrible influence on any impressionable toddler, yet the censors do nothing.

Here is my list of 15 songs that should come with a parental advisory, but do not. Consider yourself warned.

 
 
1. Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac

No. Don’t go your own way. COME BACK HERE.

 
2. Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult

Please do. Please fear the reaper. And stop climbing that.

 
3. Set Fire to the Rain – Adele

No, you can’t set fire to the rain. Do not try to set fire to the rain.

 
4. Don’t Stop Moving – S Club 7

Please, stop moving. I’m trying to put your shoes on.

 
5. Defying Gravity – Wicked soundtrack

You cannot defy gravity. DO NOT JUMP FROM THERE.

 
6. Everybody Hurts – REM

This does not mean that when you bang your head on the table you should whack your sister so her head hurts too.

 
7. Here I Go Again (on My Own) – Whitesnake

The supermarket is not the appropriate place for going it alone if you are two.

 
8. Don’t Let Go – En Vogue

Except for hair. Do let go of my hair.

 
9. Hungry Like the Wolf – Duran Duran

Even if you are hungry like the wolf, it is not okay to stick your head in the bowl and lick it.

 
10. I Want it All – Queen

No.

 
11. Jump/Jump for my Love/Jump Around – Van Halen/The Pointer Sisters/House of Pain

Stop **#?!@* jumping!

 
12. Paint it Black – The Rolling Stones

Don’t you dare.

 
13. Kung Fu Fighting – Carl Douglas

I don’t care if everybody was doing it.

 
14. Hot n Cold – Katy Perry

Yes, I know: ‘you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no, you’re in then you’re out, you’re up then you’re down, you’re wrong when it’s right, it’s black and it’s white…’ But, for the love of god, DO YOU LIKE CHEESE OR NOT?!

 
15. (You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party) – The Beastie Boys

No, you do not ‘gotta’. Especially when you are fighting with your sister for the right to hold an imaginary tea party on the cat.

The Three Wise Women

imageAs you probably know, it is Epiphany, and I am sure you probably also know the story of the Three Wise Men. But do you know the story of the Three Wise Women? No? I thought not. Read on for a tale of wonder, travel, and sensible bloody baby gifts.

 
 
The Three Wise Women

The Three Wise Women saw a new star appear in the night sky and, because they were very wise, knew that this heralded the birth of a new king.

However, the Wise Women decided they would wait until they were invited to see the baby: ‘If you have to follow a bloody star to find the baby, you’re probably not welcome.’ They were very wise indeed. No one wants uninvited visitors when they’ve just had a baby. Especially not ones with camels. Besides, following a star would mean walking only at night. Who’s doing that?

Having waited for an invitation, the Wise Women set out on their journey bearing gifts.

Wise Woman Number One – we’ll call her Beryl – came bearing a gift of clothing for the baby. (Old bed sheets, ties and tea towels. What do you mean, that’s not what people actually wore despite the depiction found in primary school productions of the Nativity?) But not all in newborn size, of course (they grow out of newborn tea towels so quickly).

Wise Woman Number Two – we’ll call her Cheryl – came bearing a gift of a moses basket for the baby. A manger didn’t sound very suitable or hygienic, and it almost certainly wouldn’t comply with European safety standards.

Wise Woman Number Three – we’ll call her Meryl – came bearing a gift of chocolates for Mary. Well, the baby hadn’t done any of the work here, had he?

Passing through Judea, the Wise Women were asked by King Herod for the exact time and location of the baby’s birth. The Wise Women refused to provide this information: it’s really not acceptable to make people’s birth announcements for them. Herod would have to wait until Mary announced it on facebook, like everybody else.

Finally, Beryl, Cheryl and Meryl arrived in Bethlehem to worship at the feet of…Mary. ‘Oh my god, you look amazing! Did it hurt?’

They made offerings of small talk. Beryl asked, ‘Does he sleep well?…Ever so quiet? Well, that’s good!’
Cheryl asked, ‘What are you calling him?…Jesus? That’s unusual, isn’t it? Don’t often see a Jesus. Is it a family name?…Told to you by an angel? Really? Wow.’
Meryl asked, ‘Who do you think he looks like, then? You or Joseph?’ Beryl stamped on her foot. ‘Ow! What?? Oh…right. Oops – sorry, Joseph!’
Cheryl muttered, ‘Awkward!’

Gifts delivered, the Three Wise Women prepared to depart, but not before politely asking Mary and Joseph if there was anything they needed. An offer they immediately regretted: ‘Safe passage to Egypt? Can we get that in Mothercare? We were thinking more along the lines of a lasagne to put in the freezer.’

There you have it: the lesser known story of the Three Wise Women. They came, they saw, they didn’t give a newborn baby myrrh.

Malevolent Goblin on the Shelf: An Alternative Guide for Those Scared of the Elf

23-elf-shelf-w1200-h630December is here again. The count down to Christmas. The magic, the wonder, the anticipation, the cold sweats, the paranoia, the mind-numbing terror… Yes, IT’S BACK. The sweet Christmas tradition/horror story apparition that is the Elf on the Shelf.

Whilst the brave out there happily place the nefarious imp in cute toilet fishing poses, and share ever more ambitious fun activities for the malevolent goblin to engage in, I am presenting an alternative list of Elf on the Shelf suggestions. So, here it is: my line up of daily Elf on the Shelf activities for those among us who are outright terrified of the evil, creepy little critter.

*Keep this list well hidden. We meet in secret, under cover of darkness. Do not use real names. HE’S WATCHING US. And I think he possesses powers of mind control: keep your mind blank. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM.*

 
 
Day 1

Position Elf in a cute pose with Elsa. Tell Elsa if Elf makes any sudden moves, freeze him.

 
Day 2

Put Elf in a drawer. If the drawer starts calling your name in the night, do not open it.

 
Day 3

Hide knives.

 
Day 4

Put Elf and Barbie in a toy car at the ‘drive in’ (i.e. in front of the TV). Give Barbie some mace.

 
Day 5

Send Elf to see a forensic psychiatrist (Donald Pleasence from Halloween, preferably) – he may be redeemable.

 
Day 6

Put Elf in a strait jacket after forensic psychiatrist says he’s dead behind the eyes.

 
Day 7

Position Elf anywhere in the house. Move house.

 
Day 8

Pose Elf as though he is having a bath. Fill bath with holy water.

 
Day 9

Find a corner to sit in. Rock backwards and forwards, muttering, ‘Please don’t hurt me. Oh god, please don’t hurt me!’

 
Day 10

Put Elf outside. Change locks.

 
Day 11

Set up CCTV, just in case.

 
Day 12

Obtain a sample of DNA from Elf. Familial testing might prove a link to Chucky.

 
Day 13

Serve Elf with a restraining order.

 
Day 14

Write to Father Christmas about Elf. Threaten a diplomatic incident with the North Pole if he doesn’t stop sending spies.

 
Day 15

Take up witchcraft. Position Elf in chalk circle on the floor to bind the evil spirit.

 
Day 16

Call the Ghostbusters. Worth a try.

 
Day 17

Find Elf grinning maniacally with his head stuck through an axe hole in a door. Call an exorcist when you realise that you did not put him there.

 
Day 18

Sleep with the light on. Do this every night, in fact.

 
Day 19

Give Elf a haircut. So that you can look for the Mark of the Beast on his scalp.

 
Day 20

Obtain a Batman on the Shelf to watch the Elf on the Shelf.

 
Day 21

Ask Father Christmas for a panic room.

 
Day 22

Put a stake through Elf’s heart.

 
Day 23

Decapitate Elf.

 
Day 24

Burn Elf and bury ashes in multiple different locations.

 
 
Finally, delete all social media accounts before Girl from the Ring on the Shelf becomes a Christmas trend.

The Nativity for Toddlers

christmas-1010749_1280As Christmas is approaching, and it is not the easiest of stories to explain to toddlers, I hereby present my specially adapted Nativity Story for Toddlers.

 
 
The Nativity Story, Adapted for Toddlers

 
A long, long time ago…
(No, not last week. Longer ago than last week. A very, very long time ago. How long? 2000 years. No, that’s quite a lot earlier than yesterday. Yes, earlier than last Tuesday. Earlier than last Monday, too. Never mind.)

A long, long time ago – around last Monday – there was a woman called Mary. Mary was engaged to a man called Joseph…
(It means she was going to marry Joseph. Yes, that is nice. She was probably going to wear a pretty dress, yes.)

Mary and Joseph lived in a town called Nazareth…
(No, that isn’t where Grandma lives. It’s a long way from here. No, further away than Tesco.)

Anyway, they lived in Nazareth – down the road from Grandma – and one day Mary was visited by an angel called Gabriel. The angel Gabriel told Mary not to be afraid, she had been chosen by God, and would become pregnant…
(It means she was going to have a baby. How would she get the baby? Well, that is an excellent question. The Holy Spirit was going to put the baby inside her tummy. Who is the Holy Spirit? Next question! The Holy Spirit is kind of a part of God. It was God’s baby.)

The angel Gabriel told Mary she would become pregnant – AND NOT TO ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN – and have a baby boy, who she should call Jesus…
(Why was he called Jesus? Because God said so. No, you can’t argue with God.)

The baby Jesus would be God’s son.

Mary told Joseph about the baby. Joseph was worried and wondered if he should still marry Mary… (Why? Well, that’s grown up stuff, really. Let’s not worry about it.)

An angel visited Joseph too, and told him not be worried about marrying Mary. The angel told Joseph that Mary’s baby would be the son of God and would be the Saviour of mankind…
(It means Jesus would save people. No, not from a dragon. What from? Well, that’s a bit complicated. From themselves, really. Well, that means…never mind.)

The Baby Jesus would save mankind – possibly from dragons. Joseph listened to the angel, and married Mary…
(Yes, I’m sure she did wear a pretty dress. No, I don’t have a picture. It’s not really the main point of the story.)

The Roman Emperor Augustus…
(The Romans were in charge of a lot of the world last Monday when this happened, and Augustus was their king.)

The Roman Emperor Augustus ordered everyone to travel to the place where they were born for the census…
(The census was a list of all the people. Augustus wanted a list of all the people so he could make sure that they all paid him money. Yes, it does sound like a good idea. No, you can’t conduct a census. No, I’m not giving you money.)

Mary and Joseph had to travel a long way from Nazareth to Bethlehem for the census, because Joseph was born in Bethlehem…
(Yes, Bethlehem is a long way from Grandma’s house, that’s right.)

Mary and Joseph had to travel very slowly because Mary was going to have her baby very soon, and she had a big tummy. When they arrived in Bethlehem, they could not find anywhere to stay. Everywhere was very busy because of all the people returning for the census…
(No, they couldn’t stay with Grandma. Grandma lives in Nazareth. No, Grandma doesn’t live in Nazareth, what am I talking about? Grandma lives in the Home Counties, nowhere near Nazareth or Bethlehem. She’s also not THAT old.)

The only place Mary and Joseph could find to stay was in the stable of one of the inns, so they made beds for themselves in the straw with all the animals…
(Yes, there was probably a cow. And a pig, yes. And sheep. There might have been a dog. Probably not any penguins, no. Well, penguins don’t live near Bethlehem. No reindeer, either. Yes, this is a Christmas story, but it’s not about Father Christmas. There are no reindeer. No, Father Christmas isn’t going to be in the story. Shall we finish it anyway, as we’ve got this far? I have no idea what the pig was called. It isn’t part of the story. Stanley. The pig was called Stanley. Can we carry on?)

So Mary and Joseph stayed with the animals, and the baby Jesus was born in the stable. The baby Jesus slept in the manger, where the animals ate their hay, because there was no crib…
(No, the animals didn’t eat the baby. I expect they ate their hay somewhere else while the baby Jesus was asleep.)

The Angels visited some shepherds, who were looking after their sheep near Bethlehem, and told them that God’s son had been born and could be found in a manger in the town. So the shepherds went to visit the Baby Jesus…
(Yes, a bit like when you went to visit your baby cousin. No, the shepherds didn’t take the baby Jesus a Sophie giraffe. Yes, you did take Sophie giraffe to your baby cousin. Well, the shepherds didn’t know they were going to be visiting a baby. And there was no Mothercare in Bethlehem.)

The shepherds were very pleased that the baby Jesus had come to save them – possibly from the dragons. They went back to their sheep…
(No, I don’t know the names of the sheep. No, there were too many to name. Fine. Gertrude, Bert, Phyllis, Frank, Cuthbert and Ethel.)

A new star appeared in the sky when Jesus was born. Some wise men saw the star and guessed what it meant…
(How? Because they were wise.)

Anyway, the Wise Men guessed that the star meant a new king had been born, and they began to follow the star to where the baby Jesus lay in his manger. The Wise Men traveled a long way and, on their journey, they stopped in Judea in a city called Jerusalem…
(No, you didn’t go to Jerusalem on Saturday. Yes, I’m sure. That was the soft play. No, it wasn’t the soft play in Jerusalem.)

In Jerusalem, people asked the Wise Men about the baby who would be the saviour and king of mankind. King Herod, who was the king of Judea (and a naughty man), overheard. He was angry because he believed the baby would take his place as king…
(Yes, exactly like when you are angry because your sister wants to be the doctor and you were the doctor.)

Herod called the Wise Men to visit him, and he told them that, when they found the baby Jesus, they should tell him where the baby was so that he could also visit the baby and take him gifts. But this was not really Herod’s plan. Really, Herod planned to kill the baby…
(No, that isn’t very nice, is it?)

The Wise Men followed the star to Bethlehem, and they gave gifts to the Baby Jesus…
(No, not a Sophie giraffe.)

The Wise Men gave the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh…
(No one knows what myrrh is. No, Frank isn’t Sophie giraffe’s brother. And it’s frankincense.)

The Wise Men were warned by Angels in a dream of Herod’s plan, so they did not return to Jerusalem to tell him where Jesus was. They traveled home a different way so that they would not see Herod… (They went the back way, past Asda, that’s right.)

Joseph was also warned by angels in a dream: he was told that Herod wanted to kill Jesus, and he should escape with Mary and the baby to Egypt…
(It doesn’t matter where Egypt is. Egypt is a different place, not near Nazareth, Bethlehem, Jerusalem or Grandma’s house. )

Mary, Joseph and Jesus fled to Egypt, and stayed until Herod died. King Herod was very angry when he realised that the Wise Men had tricked him. He ordered all baby boys under the age of two in Bethlehem to be killed, in the hope that one of them would be the baby Jesus…
(Yes, a very mean man. No, I don’t think he used poison apples. Yes, he is a bit like the evil queen in Snow White, though. No, I’m sure he didn’t actually manage to kill any babies, don’t worry. Yes, the huntsmen probably let them go…no, that’s Snow White again.)

After Herod died, an angel came to Joseph in a dream once more, and told him that it was safe to return home. Mary, Joseph and Jesus returned to their old town of Nazareth…
(Yes, near Grandma.)

Twelve Days of Brexit

image_update_imgLast year, I did the Twelve Days of Toddler. For this year’s Twelve Days of Christmas parody, I have decided to go political with Brexit.

(Please note that many of these actual numbers are made up to fit the song, but the points behind them are genuine!)

 
 
Twelve Days of Brexit

 
On the first day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the second day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the third day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Three ‘enemies of the state’*,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Four calls from Trump**,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Seven clueless Ministers*,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Ten reinstatements of the same UKIP leader****,
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Eleven far right organisations celebrating,
Ten reinstatements of the same UKIP leader,
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the twelveth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Twelve EU leaders insulted*****,
Eleven far right organisations celebrating,
Ten reinstatements of the same UKIP leader,
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And NO RETURN OF SOVEREIGNTY!

 
 


*Otherwise known to sane people as ‘High Court Judges’
**To Nigel Farage, who Donald Trump may or may not believe runs our country
***This is a very generous estimate of the number of clueless members of the current government
****At least this is what it has felt like, it may have only happened twice in reality, but that is still ridiculous
*****By Boris thus far (probably!)

Toddler Amnesia: The Facts

kids-1728351_1920In a rare move away from my usual light-hearted silliness, today I want to raise awareness of a serious* issue.

Toddler Amnesia is a devastating condition. It affects one in every one toddler, yet very little is understood about this debilitating disorder.

You probably know a sufferer, your own toddler may even be one. However, far too many Toddler Amnesiacs remain undiagnosed, suffering in, well, not silence so much as extreme noisiness.

Awareness of the symptoms of this condition is woefully low. Below are ten of the most common. Please learn how to identify Toddler Amnesia, and share the information. Together we can ensure this illness does not go unrecognised.

 
 
1. Sufferers of Toddler Amnesia are typically unable to retain the word ‘no’. All memory of Mummy having said no to sofa base jumping is immediately erased. Memories of whatever ill-advised bribe Mummy used today to get them to behave in the shops will, however, be retained for days/months/years – essentially until they receive what was promised to them. Doctors are unable to explain this strange discrepancy.

 
2. Toddler amnesiacs find themselves unwittingly asking the same question over and over again. Sometimes up to fifty times in five seconds.

 
3. Toddler Amnesia presents sufferers with particular difficulties surrounding issues of possession and ownership. Affected toddlers will find themselves completely unable to remember that a particular object is not theirs, often leading to repeated snatching incidents. Mysteriously, they are able to remember extremely accurately when objects actually are theirs (interestingly, this also often leads to snatching incidents). A related complication to this particular aspect of the illness is frequent forgetting of what was being played with seconds before, combined with the belief that the item the toddler is now playing with is what they have always been playing with. This issue appears to be exacerbated when any other child begins playing with a toy previously being entirely ignored by the toddler. The toddler will immediately experience a ‘false memory’ that they were, in fact, playing with that toy, in conjunction with complete memory loss over what they were actually playing with. Episodes such as these are nearly always accompanied by additional memory loss surrounding the question of it being wrong to hit other children.

 
4. A particularly concerning aspect of this dreadful illness is seen when the afflicted toddler forgets why they needed help or how they were hurt. The toddler will scream: ‘Mummy! Mummy, HELP! HELP!’ However, upon arriving at the scene, Mummy will find a happily playing toddler, who is completely unable to recall what the emergency was, or indeed to supply any response whatsoever to Mummy’s repeated: ‘What is it? What’s the matter? Why were you screaming?’

 
5. Toddler amnesiacs are unable to remember where they have put anything. They often become convinced – frequently aggressively so – that these memories have in fact been transferred to Mummy, who MUST know where the missing item is.

 
6. Sufferers, rather conveniently, tend to forget their own bad behaviour and transgressions instantly, often whilst they are still committing them. In contrast, and despite the memory damage, any infraction committed by a sibling appears to be inexplicably retained for eternity.

 
7. As a result of this debilitating illness, affected toddlers will often dispute statements made by Mummy, before correcting Mummy with a statement identical to the disputed one: ‘No we didn’t have cheese sandwiches for lunch! We had cheese sandwiches!’

 
8. A very unfortunate side effect of Toddler Amnesia is the inability to recall which foods were loved mere moments before. Sometimes sufferers will even forget that the food now being so angrily rejected was requested by the toddler themselves just five minutes previously. Tragically, sufferers miss out on many of their once favourite foods because they are simply unable to remember that they did like it last week/ yesterday/ two mouthfuls ago. It is simply heartbreaking to hear their screams of: ‘NO! I don’t like it! No! It’s not my favourite! I didn’t ask for it! NOOOOO!’

 
9. Toddler amnesiacs are frequently observed to have an unusual number of cuts and bruises. These result from the inability to recall that performing a somersault into the sideboard actually hurt last time as well.

 
10. Even in sleep there is no rest from this terrible condition. Sufferers become confused, forgetting on a nightly basis what time they go to bed, that they just read that book and, all too often, which bed is theirs.

 
 
These poor, forgetful toddlers are everywhere, their plight disgracefully ignored by society and the medical profession (largely because they’re a bit annoying and everyone tuned them out). They wander, confused, searching for missing toys, refusing food they like and forgetting every instruction they are given. Not even the most hard-hearted among us can fail to be moved by the forlorn sight of an affected toddler obliviously watching the same episode of Peppa Pig for the fifty millionth time.

Doctors hope that, in the future, with advancements in medical science, we will achieve the seemingly impossible, and these toddlers may be able to remember that they were told no. It will take years of dedicated research, but wouldn’t it be amazing if one day just one toddler was able to recall that yesterday he liked pasta? Please, help me to raise awareness of this condition: together we can make that day happen.

 
 
 

*This is not a serious post. If you are inclined to take everything seriously, this might not be for you. If you are terminally gullible, this might not be for you either (do NOT donate to this cause).*

Random Things I’ve Seen: The Missing Third Floor

library-1599992_1920Welcome to Part Three of the Random Things I’ve Seen series. Technically, this is a random thing I haven’t seen.

The third floor of the city library seems to have gone astray. It’s on the floor guide, but it does not exist. At the top of the stairs to the second floor, there are no more stairs and no more library. Where is the third floor? Even the floor guide on the second floor, at the top of the stairs that go no further, refers to the third floor. What? There are no stairs: where is it??

Now, there is a lift. Perhaps, for some unknown reason, the third floor is accessible from the lift, but not the staircase. This may be a more plausible explanation than my other suggestions below (it is certainly less reliant on quantum physics and/or magic). However, I did not test this theory. Lifts make me nervous in the best of circumstances, and I am certainly not using one to try to locate a floor that may not exist. Get inside a small, enclosed, suspended-over-a-drop metal box and press a button for a mysterious location I am not certain is there? Er, no.

I pursued every possible avenue in the search for the missing third floor (apart from the lift, of course). I checked all doors, did a full rotation of each floor, looked for alternative staircases, trap doors, moving staircases (in case it’s a wizarding library a la Hogwarts). In so far as it is possible to look suspicious in a library, I looked suspicious. I looked like I was casing the library, which is probably not something people often do. Still, most people probably mistakenly believe that all there is to case in a library is used books. They don’t know about the lost floor.

The alleged third floor allegedly contains the cafe. Perhaps this is an elaborate plan to keep down costs – you know, because the overheads are lower on imaginary cafes. Of course, a simpler way of achieving this would be to just not have a cafe AND not claim that you do. But perhaps the library powers that be felt that, if they pretend there is a cafe, people would somehow convince themselves that they went to it and had coffee and cake, thus allowing the library to maintain customer satisfaction levels whilst keeping costs down. (Of course, this only works as a cost cutting exercise if the library is not purchasing supplies for the advertised cafe. If they are fully stocking the cafe that no one can locate, it is probably costing rather a lot.)

Perhaps the third floor is Schrodinger’s floor: it might exist, it might not. Perhaps the floor that may or may not exist may or may not be storing a box in which a cat may or may not be alive.

I have read mysteries in which there have been libraries with secret floors. But this has always been along the lines of, if you count the floors from the outside or the stairwell, there is an extra floor not marked on any floor plans. A secret floor for hiding things. What we have here, a floor that IS marked on floor plans but does not in fact exist, however, would be an interesting tactic for the purpose of hiding things. Except for the floor itself, of course, which is, admittedly, well hidden.

Possibly, the missing third floor is due to an eddy in the space-time continuum. If so, I hope Eddy is enjoying the coffee and cake in the missing cafe, because none of the rest of us can bloody find it.*

Perhaps library bosses thought it looks more impressive to have a third floor (or wanted to beat those measly two-floored libraries in some kind of weird height based library contest), and that no one would notice if it wasn’t actually there. Of course, if you are hoping no one will check, a cafe is probably not the best choice for what to pretend you are keeping on your fake floor. The complete collection of Madonna’s stories for children would be better. Or all those books that everyone claims to have read, but no one actually has (like War and Peace, and everything after the first paragraph of Lord of the Rings).

The mystery of the missing third floor of the library continues. I have been Silly Mummy reporting from, well, the second floor, since the third floor ISN’T BLOODY THERE. More on this story as it develops (i.e. if a third floor develops).

 
 

(*Shout out to Douglas Adams on the eddy joke. I’m sure fans of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy would have noticed the shameless theft, not of Adams’ actual lines but of the general idea, there. I’m equally sure that everyone who has never read that book thinks I’ve gone a little mad. Incidentally, if you haven’t read it, it is a great read – check it out. Though, if you happen to live near me, you may be out of luck if the ‘A’s are kept on the third floor of the library…)

 
 

Interested in other posts in the Random Things I’ve Seen series? Read the first post, Random Things I’ve Seen: The Elizabeth I Dress, and the second post, Random Things I’ve Seen: The M&S Heist.

 
 

My Random Musings

Friday Frolics – 16th September 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Rhyming With Wine – (Not) Baking With Children. In a clever and hilarious rhyme, Dawn becomes another convert to the NEVER bake with small children club. Welcome to the club, Dawn: it’s nice here, nothing is covered in flour.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Utterly Feral – Our Weekend With a Three Year Old Dictator. You know when you really shouldn’t laugh at someone’s else’s misfortune but you just can’t help it…’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Coffee and Bubbles – V for Vagina. This made me laugh out of sheer relief! Relief that so far I have not had to answer any tricky questions about the birds and the bees, and relief that I am not the only one who is unsure about what to do with the word ‘vagina’. If only the creators of Peppa Pig could help us! I for one would welcome a sex ed version of the series. The one where Daddy Pig gets porky with Mummy Pig, and we all learn about how that annoying George was created!’

 
Most Read Post

Very popular this week, once more it’s:
Coffee and Bubbles – V for Vagina

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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