Tagged Humour

The Three Wise Women

imageAs you probably know, it is Epiphany, and I am sure you probably also know the story of the Three Wise Men. But do you know the story of the Three Wise Women? No? I thought not. Read on for a tale of wonder, travel, and sensible bloody baby gifts.

 
 
The Three Wise Women

The Three Wise Women saw a new star appear in the night sky and, because they were very wise, knew that this heralded the birth of a new king.

However, the Wise Women decided they would wait until they were invited to see the baby: ‘If you have to follow a bloody star to find the baby, you’re probably not welcome.’ They were very wise indeed. No one wants uninvited visitors when they’ve just had a baby. Especially not ones with camels. Besides, following a star would mean walking only at night. Who’s doing that?

Having waited for an invitation, the Wise Women set out on their journey bearing gifts.

Wise Woman Number One – we’ll call her Beryl – came bearing a gift of clothing for the baby. (Old bed sheets, ties and tea towels. What do you mean, that’s not what people actually wore despite the depiction found in primary school productions of the Nativity?) But not all in newborn size, of course (they grow out of newborn tea towels so quickly).

Wise Woman Number Two – we’ll call her Cheryl – came bearing a gift of a moses basket for the baby. A manger didn’t sound very suitable or hygienic, and it almost certainly wouldn’t comply with European safety standards.

Wise Woman Number Three – we’ll call her Meryl – came bearing a gift of chocolates for Mary. Well, the baby hadn’t done any of the work here, had he?

Passing through Judea, the Wise Women were asked by King Herod for the exact time and location of the baby’s birth. The Wise Women refused to provide this information: it’s really not acceptable to make people’s birth announcements for them. Herod would have to wait until Mary announced it on facebook, like everybody else.

Finally, Beryl, Cheryl and Meryl arrived in Bethlehem to worship at the feet of…Mary. ‘Oh my god, you look amazing! Did it hurt?’

They made offerings of small talk. Beryl asked, ‘Does he sleep well?…Ever so quiet? Well, that’s good!’
Cheryl asked, ‘What are you calling him?…Jesus? That’s unusual, isn’t it? Don’t often see a Jesus. Is it a family name?…Told to you by an angel? Really? Wow.’
Meryl asked, ‘Who do you think he looks like, then? You or Joseph?’ Beryl stamped on her foot. ‘Ow! What?? Oh…right. Oops – sorry, Joseph!’
Cheryl muttered, ‘Awkward!’

Gifts delivered, the Three Wise Women prepared to depart, but not before politely asking Mary and Joseph if there was anything they needed. An offer they immediately regretted: ‘Safe passage to Egypt? Can we get that in Mothercare? We were thinking more along the lines of a lasagne to put in the freezer.’

There you have it: the lesser known story of the Three Wise Women. They came, they saw, they didn’t give a newborn baby myrrh.

Malevolent Goblin on the Shelf: An Alternative Guide for Those Scared of the Elf

23-elf-shelf-w1200-h630December is here again. The count down to Christmas. The magic, the wonder, the anticipation, the cold sweats, the paranoia, the mind-numbing terror… Yes, IT’S BACK. The sweet Christmas tradition/horror story apparition that is the Elf on the Shelf.

Whilst the brave out there happily place the nefarious imp in cute toilet fishing poses, and share ever more ambitious fun activities for the malevolent goblin to engage in, I am presenting an alternative list of Elf on the Shelf suggestions. So, here it is: my line up of daily Elf on the Shelf activities for those among us who are outright terrified of the evil, creepy little critter.

*Keep this list well hidden. We meet in secret, under cover of darkness. Do not use real names. HE’S WATCHING US. And I think he possesses powers of mind control: keep your mind blank. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM.*

 
 
Day 1

Position Elf in a cute pose with Elsa. Tell Elsa if Elf makes any sudden moves, freeze him.

 
Day 2

Put Elf in a drawer. If the drawer starts calling your name in the night, do not open it.

 
Day 3

Hide knives.

 
Day 4

Put Elf and Barbie in a toy car at the ‘drive in’ (i.e. in front of the TV). Give Barbie some mace.

 
Day 5

Send Elf to see a forensic psychiatrist (Donald Pleasence from Halloween, preferably) – he may be redeemable.

 
Day 6

Put Elf in a strait jacket after forensic psychiatrist says he’s dead behind the eyes.

 
Day 7

Position Elf anywhere in the house. Move house.

 
Day 8

Pose Elf as though he is having a bath. Fill bath with holy water.

 
Day 9

Find a corner to sit in. Rock backwards and forwards, muttering, ‘Please don’t hurt me. Oh god, please don’t hurt me!’

 
Day 10

Put Elf outside. Change locks.

 
Day 11

Set up CCTV, just in case.

 
Day 12

Obtain a sample of DNA from Elf. Familial testing might prove a link to Chucky.

 
Day 13

Serve Elf with a restraining order.

 
Day 14

Write to Father Christmas about Elf. Threaten a diplomatic incident with the North Pole if he doesn’t stop sending spies.

 
Day 15

Take up witchcraft. Position Elf in chalk circle on the floor to bind the evil spirit.

 
Day 16

Call the Ghostbusters. Worth a try.

 
Day 17

Find Elf grinning maniacally with his head stuck through an axe hole in a door. Call an exorcist when you realise that you did not put him there.

 
Day 18

Sleep with the light on. Do this every night, in fact.

 
Day 19

Give Elf a haircut. So that you can look for the Mark of the Beast on his scalp.

 
Day 20

Obtain a Batman on the Shelf to watch the Elf on the Shelf.

 
Day 21

Ask Father Christmas for a panic room.

 
Day 22

Put a stake through Elf’s heart.

 
Day 23

Decapitate Elf.

 
Day 24

Burn Elf and bury ashes in multiple different locations.

 
 
Finally, delete all social media accounts before Girl from the Ring on the Shelf becomes a Christmas trend.

The Nativity for Toddlers

christmas-1010749_1280As Christmas is approaching, and it is not the easiest of stories to explain to toddlers, I hereby present my specially adapted Nativity Story for Toddlers.

 
 
The Nativity Story, Adapted for Toddlers

 
A long, long time ago…
(No, not last week. Longer ago than last week. A very, very long time ago. How long? 2000 years. No, that’s quite a lot earlier than yesterday. Yes, earlier than last Tuesday. Earlier than last Monday, too. Never mind.)

A long, long time ago – around last Monday – there was a woman called Mary. Mary was engaged to a man called Joseph…
(It means she was going to marry Joseph. Yes, that is nice. She was probably going to wear a pretty dress, yes.)

Mary and Joseph lived in a town called Nazareth…
(No, that isn’t where Grandma lives. It’s a long way from here. No, further away than Tesco.)

Anyway, they lived in Nazareth – down the road from Grandma – and one day Mary was visited by an angel called Gabriel. The angel Gabriel told Mary not to be afraid, she had been chosen by God, and would become pregnant…
(It means she was going to have a baby. How would she get the baby? Well, that is an excellent question. The Holy Spirit was going to put the baby inside her tummy. Who is the Holy Spirit? Next question! The Holy Spirit is kind of a part of God. It was God’s baby.)

The angel Gabriel told Mary she would become pregnant – AND NOT TO ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN – and have a baby boy, who she should call Jesus…
(Why was he called Jesus? Because God said so. No, you can’t argue with God.)

The baby Jesus would be God’s son.

Mary told Joseph about the baby. Joseph was worried and wondered if he should still marry Mary… (Why? Well, that’s grown up stuff, really. Let’s not worry about it.)

An angel visited Joseph too, and told him not be worried about marrying Mary. The angel told Joseph that Mary’s baby would be the son of God and would be the Saviour of mankind…
(It means Jesus would save people. No, not from a dragon. What from? Well, that’s a bit complicated. From themselves, really. Well, that means…never mind.)

The Baby Jesus would save mankind – possibly from dragons. Joseph listened to the angel, and married Mary…
(Yes, I’m sure she did wear a pretty dress. No, I don’t have a picture. It’s not really the main point of the story.)

The Roman Emperor Augustus…
(The Romans were in charge of a lot of the world last Monday when this happened, and Augustus was their king.)

The Roman Emperor Augustus ordered everyone to travel to the place where they were born for the census…
(The census was a list of all the people. Augustus wanted a list of all the people so he could make sure that they all paid him money. Yes, it does sound like a good idea. No, you can’t conduct a census. No, I’m not giving you money.)

Mary and Joseph had to travel a long way from Nazareth to Bethlehem for the census, because Joseph was born in Bethlehem…
(Yes, Bethlehem is a long way from Grandma’s house, that’s right.)

Mary and Joseph had to travel very slowly because Mary was going to have her baby very soon, and she had a big tummy. When they arrived in Bethlehem, they could not find anywhere to stay. Everywhere was very busy because of all the people returning for the census…
(No, they couldn’t stay with Grandma. Grandma lives in Nazareth. No, Grandma doesn’t live in Nazareth, what am I talking about? Grandma lives in the Home Counties, nowhere near Nazareth or Bethlehem. She’s also not THAT old.)

The only place Mary and Joseph could find to stay was in the stable of one of the inns, so they made beds for themselves in the straw with all the animals…
(Yes, there was probably a cow. And a pig, yes. And sheep. There might have been a dog. Probably not any penguins, no. Well, penguins don’t live near Bethlehem. No reindeer, either. Yes, this is a Christmas story, but it’s not about Father Christmas. There are no reindeer. No, Father Christmas isn’t going to be in the story. Shall we finish it anyway, as we’ve got this far? I have no idea what the pig was called. It isn’t part of the story. Stanley. The pig was called Stanley. Can we carry on?)

So Mary and Joseph stayed with the animals, and the baby Jesus was born in the stable. The baby Jesus slept in the manger, where the animals ate their hay, because there was no crib…
(No, the animals didn’t eat the baby. I expect they ate their hay somewhere else while the baby Jesus was asleep.)

The Angels visited some shepherds, who were looking after their sheep near Bethlehem, and told them that God’s son had been born and could be found in a manger in the town. So the shepherds went to visit the Baby Jesus…
(Yes, a bit like when you went to visit your baby cousin. No, the shepherds didn’t take the baby Jesus a Sophie giraffe. Yes, you did take Sophie giraffe to your baby cousin. Well, the shepherds didn’t know they were going to be visiting a baby. And there was no Mothercare in Bethlehem.)

The shepherds were very pleased that the baby Jesus had come to save them – possibly from the dragons. They went back to their sheep…
(No, I don’t know the names of the sheep. No, there were too many to name. Fine. Gertrude, Bert, Phyllis, Frank, Cuthbert and Ethel.)

A new star appeared in the sky when Jesus was born. Some wise men saw the star and guessed what it meant…
(How? Because they were wise.)

Anyway, the Wise Men guessed that the star meant a new king had been born, and they began to follow the star to where the baby Jesus lay in his manger. The Wise Men traveled a long way and, on their journey, they stopped in Judea in a city called Jerusalem…
(No, you didn’t go to Jerusalem on Saturday. Yes, I’m sure. That was the soft play. No, it wasn’t the soft play in Jerusalem.)

In Jerusalem, people asked the Wise Men about the baby who would be the saviour and king of mankind. King Herod, who was the king of Judea (and a naughty man), overheard. He was angry because he believed the baby would take his place as king…
(Yes, exactly like when you are angry because your sister wants to be the doctor and you were the doctor.)

Herod called the Wise Men to visit him, and he told them that, when they found the baby Jesus, they should tell him where the baby was so that he could also visit the baby and take him gifts. But this was not really Herod’s plan. Really, Herod planned to kill the baby…
(No, that isn’t very nice, is it?)

The Wise Men followed the star to Bethlehem, and they gave gifts to the Baby Jesus…
(No, not a Sophie giraffe.)

The Wise Men gave the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh…
(No one knows what myrrh is. No, Frank isn’t Sophie giraffe’s brother. And it’s frankincense.)

The Wise Men were warned by Angels in a dream of Herod’s plan, so they did not return to Jerusalem to tell him where Jesus was. They traveled home a different way so that they would not see Herod… (They went the back way, past Asda, that’s right.)

Joseph was also warned by angels in a dream: he was told that Herod wanted to kill Jesus, and he should escape with Mary and the baby to Egypt…
(It doesn’t matter where Egypt is. Egypt is a different place, not near Nazareth, Bethlehem, Jerusalem or Grandma’s house. )

Mary, Joseph and Jesus fled to Egypt, and stayed until Herod died. King Herod was very angry when he realised that the Wise Men had tricked him. He ordered all baby boys under the age of two in Bethlehem to be killed, in the hope that one of them would be the baby Jesus…
(Yes, a very mean man. No, I don’t think he used poison apples. Yes, he is a bit like the evil queen in Snow White, though. No, I’m sure he didn’t actually manage to kill any babies, don’t worry. Yes, the huntsmen probably let them go…no, that’s Snow White again.)

After Herod died, an angel came to Joseph in a dream once more, and told him that it was safe to return home. Mary, Joseph and Jesus returned to their old town of Nazareth…
(Yes, near Grandma.)

Twelve Days of Brexit

image_update_imgLast year, I did the Twelve Days of Toddler. For this year’s Twelve Days of Christmas parody, I have decided to go political with Brexit.

(Please note that many of these actual numbers are made up to fit the song, but the points behind them are genuine!)

 
 
Twelve Days of Brexit

 
On the first day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the second day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the third day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Three ‘enemies of the state’*,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Four calls from Trump**,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Seven clueless Ministers*,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Ten reinstatements of the same UKIP leader****,
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Eleven far right organisations celebrating,
Ten reinstatements of the same UKIP leader,
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.

On the twelveth day of Christmas, Brexit sent to me:
Twelve EU leaders insulted*****,
Eleven far right organisations celebrating,
Ten reinstatements of the same UKIP leader,
Nine million people considering emigrating to Canada,
Eight embassies reporting hate crimes,
Seven clueless Ministers,
Six banks a leaving,
Five million angry Scots,
Four calls from Trump,
Three ‘enemies of the state’,
Two racist newspapers,
And NO RETURN OF SOVEREIGNTY!

 
 


*Otherwise known to sane people as ‘High Court Judges’
**To Nigel Farage, who Donald Trump may or may not believe runs our country
***This is a very generous estimate of the number of clueless members of the current government
****At least this is what it has felt like, it may have only happened twice in reality, but that is still ridiculous
*****By Boris thus far (probably!)

Toddler Amnesia: The Facts

kids-1728351_1920In a rare move away from my usual light-hearted silliness, today I want to raise awareness of a serious* issue.

Toddler Amnesia is a devastating condition. It affects one in every one toddler, yet very little is understood about this debilitating disorder.

You probably know a sufferer, your own toddler may even be one. However, far too many Toddler Amnesiacs remain undiagnosed, suffering in, well, not silence so much as extreme noisiness.

Awareness of the symptoms of this condition is woefully low. Below are ten of the most common. Please learn how to identify Toddler Amnesia, and share the information. Together we can ensure this illness does not go unrecognised.

 
 
1. Sufferers of Toddler Amnesia are typically unable to retain the word ‘no’. All memory of Mummy having said no to sofa base jumping is immediately erased. Memories of whatever ill-advised bribe Mummy used today to get them to behave in the shops will, however, be retained for days/months/years – essentially until they receive what was promised to them. Doctors are unable to explain this strange discrepancy.

 
2. Toddler amnesiacs find themselves unwittingly asking the same question over and over again. Sometimes up to fifty times in five seconds.

 
3. Toddler Amnesia presents sufferers with particular difficulties surrounding issues of possession and ownership. Affected toddlers will find themselves completely unable to remember that a particular object is not theirs, often leading to repeated snatching incidents. Mysteriously, they are able to remember extremely accurately when objects actually are theirs (interestingly, this also often leads to snatching incidents). A related complication to this particular aspect of the illness is frequent forgetting of what was being played with seconds before, combined with the belief that the item the toddler is now playing with is what they have always been playing with. This issue appears to be exacerbated when any other child begins playing with a toy previously being entirely ignored by the toddler. The toddler will immediately experience a ‘false memory’ that they were, in fact, playing with that toy, in conjunction with complete memory loss over what they were actually playing with. Episodes such as these are nearly always accompanied by additional memory loss surrounding the question of it being wrong to hit other children.

 
4. A particularly concerning aspect of this dreadful illness is seen when the afflicted toddler forgets why they needed help or how they were hurt. The toddler will scream: ‘Mummy! Mummy, HELP! HELP!’ However, upon arriving at the scene, Mummy will find a happily playing toddler, who is completely unable to recall what the emergency was, or indeed to supply any response whatsoever to Mummy’s repeated: ‘What is it? What’s the matter? Why were you screaming?’

 
5. Toddler amnesiacs are unable to remember where they have put anything. They often become convinced – frequently aggressively so – that these memories have in fact been transferred to Mummy, who MUST know where the missing item is.

 
6. Sufferers, rather conveniently, tend to forget their own bad behaviour and transgressions instantly, often whilst they are still committing them. In contrast, and despite the memory damage, any infraction committed by a sibling appears to be inexplicably retained for eternity.

 
7. As a result of this debilitating illness, affected toddlers will often dispute statements made by Mummy, before correcting Mummy with a statement identical to the disputed one: ‘No we didn’t have cheese sandwiches for lunch! We had cheese sandwiches!’

 
8. A very unfortunate side effect of Toddler Amnesia is the inability to recall which foods were loved mere moments before. Sometimes sufferers will even forget that the food now being so angrily rejected was requested by the toddler themselves just five minutes previously. Tragically, sufferers miss out on many of their once favourite foods because they are simply unable to remember that they did like it last week/ yesterday/ two mouthfuls ago. It is simply heartbreaking to hear their screams of: ‘NO! I don’t like it! No! It’s not my favourite! I didn’t ask for it! NOOOOO!’

 
9. Toddler amnesiacs are frequently observed to have an unusual number of cuts and bruises. These result from the inability to recall that performing a somersault into the sideboard actually hurt last time as well.

 
10. Even in sleep there is no rest from this terrible condition. Sufferers become confused, forgetting on a nightly basis what time they go to bed, that they just read that book and, all too often, which bed is theirs.

 
 
These poor, forgetful toddlers are everywhere, their plight disgracefully ignored by society and the medical profession (largely because they’re a bit annoying and everyone tuned them out). They wander, confused, searching for missing toys, refusing food they like and forgetting every instruction they are given. Not even the most hard-hearted among us can fail to be moved by the forlorn sight of an affected toddler obliviously watching the same episode of Peppa Pig for the fifty millionth time.

Doctors hope that, in the future, with advancements in medical science, we will achieve the seemingly impossible, and these toddlers may be able to remember that they were told no. It will take years of dedicated research, but wouldn’t it be amazing if one day just one toddler was able to recall that yesterday he liked pasta? Please, help me to raise awareness of this condition: together we can make that day happen.

 
 
 

*This is not a serious post. If you are inclined to take everything seriously, this might not be for you. If you are terminally gullible, this might not be for you either (do NOT donate to this cause).*

Random Things I’ve Seen: The Missing Third Floor

library-1599992_1920Welcome to Part Three of the Random Things I’ve Seen series. Technically, this is a random thing I haven’t seen.

The third floor of the city library seems to have gone astray. It’s on the floor guide, but it does not exist. At the top of the stairs to the second floor, there are no more stairs and no more library. Where is the third floor? Even the floor guide on the second floor, at the top of the stairs that go no further, refers to the third floor. What? There are no stairs: where is it??

Now, there is a lift. Perhaps, for some unknown reason, the third floor is accessible from the lift, but not the staircase. This may be a more plausible explanation than my other suggestions below (it is certainly less reliant on quantum physics and/or magic). However, I did not test this theory. Lifts make me nervous in the best of circumstances, and I am certainly not using one to try to locate a floor that may not exist. Get inside a small, enclosed, suspended-over-a-drop metal box and press a button for a mysterious location I am not certain is there? Er, no.

I pursued every possible avenue in the search for the missing third floor (apart from the lift, of course). I checked all doors, did a full rotation of each floor, looked for alternative staircases, trap doors, moving staircases (in case it’s a wizarding library a la Hogwarts). In so far as it is possible to look suspicious in a library, I looked suspicious. I looked like I was casing the library, which is probably not something people often do. Still, most people probably mistakenly believe that all there is to case in a library is used books. They don’t know about the lost floor.

The alleged third floor allegedly contains the cafe. Perhaps this is an elaborate plan to keep down costs – you know, because the overheads are lower on imaginary cafes. Of course, a simpler way of achieving this would be to just not have a cafe AND not claim that you do. But perhaps the library powers that be felt that, if they pretend there is a cafe, people would somehow convince themselves that they went to it and had coffee and cake, thus allowing the library to maintain customer satisfaction levels whilst keeping costs down. (Of course, this only works as a cost cutting exercise if the library is not purchasing supplies for the advertised cafe. If they are fully stocking the cafe that no one can locate, it is probably costing rather a lot.)

Perhaps the third floor is Schrodinger’s floor: it might exist, it might not. Perhaps the floor that may or may not exist may or may not be storing a box in which a cat may or may not be alive.

I have read mysteries in which there have been libraries with secret floors. But this has always been along the lines of, if you count the floors from the outside or the stairwell, there is an extra floor not marked on any floor plans. A secret floor for hiding things. What we have here, a floor that IS marked on floor plans but does not in fact exist, however, would be an interesting tactic for the purpose of hiding things. Except for the floor itself, of course, which is, admittedly, well hidden.

Possibly, the missing third floor is due to an eddy in the space-time continuum. If so, I hope Eddy is enjoying the coffee and cake in the missing cafe, because none of the rest of us can bloody find it.*

Perhaps library bosses thought it looks more impressive to have a third floor (or wanted to beat those measly two-floored libraries in some kind of weird height based library contest), and that no one would notice if it wasn’t actually there. Of course, if you are hoping no one will check, a cafe is probably not the best choice for what to pretend you are keeping on your fake floor. The complete collection of Madonna’s stories for children would be better. Or all those books that everyone claims to have read, but no one actually has (like War and Peace, and everything after the first paragraph of Lord of the Rings).

The mystery of the missing third floor of the library continues. I have been Silly Mummy reporting from, well, the second floor, since the third floor ISN’T BLOODY THERE. More on this story as it develops (i.e. if a third floor develops).

 
 

(*Shout out to Douglas Adams on the eddy joke. I’m sure fans of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy would have noticed the shameless theft, not of Adams’ actual lines but of the general idea, there. I’m equally sure that everyone who has never read that book thinks I’ve gone a little mad. Incidentally, if you haven’t read it, it is a great read – check it out. Though, if you happen to live near me, you may be out of luck if the ‘A’s are kept on the third floor of the library…)

 
 

Interested in other posts in the Random Things I’ve Seen series? Read the first post, Random Things I’ve Seen: The Elizabeth I Dress, and the second post, Random Things I’ve Seen: The M&S Heist.

 
 

My Random Musings

Friday Frolics – 16th September 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Rhyming With Wine – (Not) Baking With Children. In a clever and hilarious rhyme, Dawn becomes another convert to the NEVER bake with small children club. Welcome to the club, Dawn: it’s nice here, nothing is covered in flour.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Utterly Feral – Our Weekend With a Three Year Old Dictator. You know when you really shouldn’t laugh at someone’s else’s misfortune but you just can’t help it…’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Coffee and Bubbles – V for Vagina. This made me laugh out of sheer relief! Relief that so far I have not had to answer any tricky questions about the birds and the bees, and relief that I am not the only one who is unsure about what to do with the word ‘vagina’. If only the creators of Peppa Pig could help us! I for one would welcome a sex ed version of the series. The one where Daddy Pig gets porky with Mummy Pig, and we all learn about how that annoying George was created!’

 
Most Read Post

Very popular this week, once more it’s:
Coffee and Bubbles – V for Vagina

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Toddler Hobbies: Birdwatching

seagull-1607224_1920Taking a look at popular toddler leisure activities, starting with birdwatching.

Toddlers are avid birdwatchers, and pursue the hobby in a manner almost entirely unlike traditional birdwatching.

 
1. Species

Like any good birdwatcher, toddler amateur ornithologists take great pleasure in identifying different species of birds. Below are a few of the most popular species for toddler birdwatchers.

Pigeons: ‘Duck!’

Sparrows: ‘Duck is flying!’

Swans: Actually, no toddler birdwatcher has ever seen a swan. Toddler birdwatchers have a strange selective blindness when it comes to seeing swans directly in front of them, finding themselves completely unable to look in the direction being pointed out as containing the majestic and beautiful birds. Still, it does not really matter. Where there are swans, there are probably the far more interesting…

Ducks: ‘Quack!’

Seagulls: ‘Don’t like duck! Shoo!’

Penguins: ‘Penguin! Honk!’

Peacocks: ‘Big duck!’

Robins: ‘Christmas duck!’

 
2. Methodology

Eschewing the classic quiet, still and watchful approach, toddler birdwatchers like to employ a method known as The Banshee. This involves running at the birds shrieking and wailing, an act that the birds superstitiously believe heralds their impending death.

 
3. Equipment

Usual birdwatching equipment includes binoculars, a bird guide and a camera. Toddler birdwatchers prefer a straw, a balloon and one sock.

 
4. Feeding Birds

Traditional methods of feeding birds of course involve bird feeders and bird seed. Or giving bread to the ducks (yes, I know this is bad for them). Not ones for tradition, toddler birdwatchers like to stand in the vicinity of birds and eat the bread (or, let’s face it, the bird seed) themselves.

 
5. A Special Note About Seagulls

In the great losses of childhood innocence, finding out the truth about seagulls is up there with finding out the truth about Father Christmas. The naive, innocent toddler, the one who exists before the first seagull encounter, reacts with great excitement as the ‘duck’ approaches. The ‘duck’ wants to be friends. The toddler wants to be friends. The toddler knows this is how Sarah and Duck started. The seagull comes closer. The toddler begins to feel the first misgivings. Why is the ‘duck’ staring like that? This doesn’t happen to Sarah. Slowly, the horrifying realisation will dawn on the toddler: that beady eyed bastard wants to steal the food. There will be no friendship here, this is war: ‘Mummy, duck wants my food! Make duck go away! Mummy, I no like duck! Shoo!’

 
 
(*Please Note: No birds have been harmed in the pursuit of this toddler hobby. A number of pigeons have been chased for a kiss. A few penguins have been engaged in an in depth conversation. One seagull has been sent to the naughty step. But no actual harm has been caused.*)

Friday Frolics – 9th September 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their hilarious posts last week. We had lots of funny, and some amazing newcomers joining our equally amazing regulars.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Mummy Muckups – A Real Thigh Slapper. An accurate and hilarious account of the ‘blah blah blah’ conversation that every person who has been to a gym induction is familiar with. You know that one piece of equipment that you NEVER knew the purpose of? Blame the blah blah blah!

Claire’s favourite post: ‘The Single Swan – To The Men of Tinder, This is Why I Didn’t Reply. This is one of those posts that made me laugh even though I probably shouldn’t!
One of those OMG! reads.’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Anna Rosenbaum Palmer – Five Easy Parenting Hacks. I could relate to these tips and they really made me laugh. Ever since reading Anna’s wise words I have been rolling out the “hmm” everywhere. Genius.’

 
Most Read Post

Disorganisation Guru – How to Know That You are Ready for Children

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Friday Frolics – 2nd September 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up last week, and welcome back to Emma following her holidays!

Just a little gentle reminder this week: please remember that this linky is specifically for humorous posts, please remember to add the badge to your posts, and please remember to comment on the hosts’ posts and at least one other post for each post you link up. Thank you for your co-operation. And also, of course, a big thanks to the majority of linkers, who already follow the rules perfectly every week!

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Turning Up in Devon – Turning Up in France. Hillie’s off to France, hilariously discovering the limitations of GCSE French and the innate rudeness of French words, and chasing down the Pan Van Man, all with the assistance of Google.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘What Mum Should Have Told Me – The Tantrum Tales: Episode 3. After linking up my holiday post last week which included a story about the time I forgot “Bear”, Alison’s post made me feel less alone. I am not the only one that forgets essential things. Although I can’t blame Jane!’

 
Most Read Post

Firstooth – When an Entire Evening Goes Wrong

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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How (Not) to Read With a Toddler

reading-1156865_1920Today we will be discussing reading with your toddlers. An activity vitally important to their development, and precious time spent with your darling children. We all look forward to the time when our babies will start to enjoy books, right? Spending quiet, peaceful time together, sharing the books we loved as children, and fostering a lifelong love of reading in our offspring. Everyone agree? Right, let’s talk about the realities then, shall we.

First off, it should be noted that toddlers do enjoy books. They have a very special way of enjoying books. Here is a guide to participating in that enjoyment. This is how to read a bedtime story (or fifty) with a toddler. Please note that, unlike many of my toddler how to guides, this is not how to read a bedtime story with two toddlers. NEVER do that.

 
 
1. Behold the presented pile of fifty ‘favourite’ books, all of which have been read at least thirty thousand times. Since this morning. Remember nostalgically when you used to actually like some of these books. Ah, those innocent days when you had to open the book to know what the words were. You know, before they were burned into your memory and your retinas. Before they haunted your dreams.

2. Wonder briefly if the toddler could be persuaded to let you read something different for a change. Brideshead Revisited, perhaps? Catch 22? War and Peace? Consider having to read War and Peace thirty thousand times a morning to meet the demands of a Tolstoy crazed toddler. Scrap that idea.

3. Pick up a book. ‘No, not that one!’ The books must be read in a specific order. You cannot know what that order is (clue: it is not the order they are piled in). You will most definitely know which order is not correct. By the screams. You will still not be permitted to know the correct order. You will have to guess by picking up books at random and assessing the volume of the accompanying screaming and crying. This will go on for some time.

4. Finally start reading a book (it will be the last book you picked up). Note that reading, contrary to popular belief, is not a quiet and sedate activity. This is Extreme Reading. The toddler will be engaging in bedroom parkour throughout bedtime story time. Discover a small hand blocking your view of the words. Then a small head. On a particularly bad day, a small bum. Yes, you don’t actually need to see the words to read this book anymore. They are, after all, burned on your retinas. Nonetheless, this is quite irritating.

5. Continue reading the book. Do so at increasing volume, as the toddler picks up a different book and starts ‘reading’ that, shouting over you. Put down the book. ‘No! Mummy, read the book! I was listening to that!’ Have a discussion with a once again screaming toddler about how there is no point reading a book to someone who is reading their own book over you.

6. Return to reading, now with the toddler’s full attention. Discover the downsides to having a toddler’s full attention, as said toddler interrupts every other word to point at something in the picture and ask, ‘What’s that?’ Suspend all questions until the end of the book. Suspend all questions that consist of ‘what’s that’ until the end of the millennium.

7. Try to claw back some time (there are still forty-nine books to go) by skipping some non-essential bits/every other page. Find that the toddler is still paying attention: ‘You missed a bit! Go back!’ The book is also burned into the toddler’s memory. The toddler can recite it word for word. This being the case, wonder why you are being forced to read the sodding thing yet again.

8. The toddler will insist on turning the pages. This would be okay if the toddler turned the pages when you had finished reading them. Or if the toddler turned the pages in the right direction: ‘Hang on, just go back. I just want to look at…What’s that?’ Progress, which previously was merely excruciatingly slow, has now stalled altogether. In fact, you are going backwards.

9. When the end of the book is upon you at last (at least, you think it is – there is a head, a hand and a foot obscuring your view), answer questions about what happened in the book. So many questions that answering them amounts to telling the entire story again.

10. Repeat process with the other forty-nine books. Upon finally reaching the end of the pile, the toddler will bolt out of bed: ‘I just want to read one more book! I’ll just get it. Just one more book!’ The toddler will return with ten books. Realise that working on the toddler’s counting might be more useful than working on reading.

Friday Frolics – 26th August 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up last week – an hilarious selection of posts, as always. This week, Emma is on holiday, so the linky is hosted by Claire and me.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: A Life Just Ordinary – In The Night Garden Actually Complete Arse Admits Toddler. This hilarious post is probably the most plausible explanation yet found for the inexplicable appeal of In the Night Garden. See if you agree!

Claire’s favourite post: ‘The Confusing Diary of a Puzzled Mummy – A Hairy Situation. I’m not sure what to say about Louise’s post, other than I couldn’t breathe when reading it from laughing so much. Sorry Louise!’

 
Most Read Post

The Frenchie Mummy Blog – 12 Stereotypes (or Not?) About Frenchie Women

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Hand in the Toilet (A ‘Hand in My Pocket’ Parody)

wc-265278_1920It is toddler parody time again – sorry about that. This time it is Alanis Morissette’s Hand in My Pocket.

I am crediting Gemma at Life Is Knutts with the inspiration for this one, as the idea to do this song came when I saw her parody of Ironic. Yes, Alanis, that’s right I’m crediting Gemma for the inspiration from your song, not you. Isn’t that ironic? Well, let’s face it, you don’t know, do you, Alanis? You have no idea if that’s ironic. (Ah, the ironic jokes never grow old. What’s that? They do? Shh!)

 
 

Hand in the Toilet

(By Toddler Morissette)

 
I’m crying but I’m happy
I’m sharing but it’s mine
I’m short but I’m climbing, yeah
I’m too high but I’m jumping off
I’m hungry but not eating that
I’m lost but still running, Mummy

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything’s going to be cleaned, cleaned, cleaned
Cause I’ve got one hand in the toilet
And the other one is pulling the cat’s tail

I’m violent but I’m cuddly
I’m young and I’m bossy
I’m tired but not sleeping, yeah
I care but I’m sulking
I’m hiding but I’m standing here
I’m wrong and not sorry, Mummy

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite a mess
Cause I’ve got one hand in the toilet
And the other one is flicking my sister

And what it all comes down to
Is that Mummy hasn’t got it all figured out just yet
Cause I’ve got one hand in the toilet
And the other one is throwing a cereal bowl

I’m drawing but it’s on the wall
I’m full but want choccy
I bite but I’m friendly, Mummy
I’m cold but I’m stripping off
I’m brave but there’s a monster
I’m sick but I’ll kiss you, Mummy

And what it all boils down to
Is that no mummy’s really got it figured out just yet
Cause I’ve got one hand in the toilet
And the other one is picking my nose

And what it all comes down to, my friends
Is that everything is just fine, fine, fine
Cause I’ve got one hand in the toilet
And the other one is hiding Mummy’s shoes

Toddler Latin for Beginners

mosaic-551307_1280Fancy learning a classical, dead, utterly ridiculous, and largely fake language? Look no further than Toddler Latin. Here, I introduce the key phrases of Toddler Latin for beginners in my Latin to Toddler Latin dictionary.

 
 
1.
(Latin) Carpe diem – Seize the day

(Toddler Latin) Carpe hairem – Seize the hair (and don’t let go)

 
2.
(Latin) Omnes viae Romam ducunt – All roads lead to Rome

(Toddler Latin) Omnes viae Peppa Pig ducunt – All roads lead to Peppa Pig

 
3.
(Latin) Veni, vidi, vici – I came, I saw, I conquered

(Toddler Latin) Veni, vidi, shouti – I came, I saw, I yelled

 
4.
(Latin) Mea Culpa – My fault

(Toddler Latin) Mea soror culpa – My sister’s fault

 
5.
(Latin) Habeas corpus – (We command that) you bring forth the body

(Toddler Latin) Habeas biscuitus – (We command that) you bring forth the biscuits

 
6.
(Latin) Caveat emptor – Let the buyer beware

(Toddler Latin) Caveat mater – Let the mother beware

 
7.
(Latin) Amor vincit omnia – Love conquers all things

(Toddler Latin) screamum vincit omnia – High pitched screaming conquers all things

 
8.
(Latin) Non ducor, duco – I am not led, I lead

(Toddler Latin) Non ducor, runo – I am not led, I am running away

 
9.
(Latin) Carpe noctem – Seize the night

(Toddler Latin) Carpe noctem – Seize the night (no one needs sleep)

 
10.
(Latin) Cogito ergo sum – I think, therefore I am

(Toddler Latin) Cogito ergo sum tantrumum – I think, therefore I am having a tantrum

 
 

My Random Musings

Friday Frolics – 12th August 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up last week. You all out did yourselves with the funny, linking up some truly hilarious posts.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Single Mum Speaks – That’s Not a Baby’s Name. Min discusses the minefield of baby naming. Apparently, her son is not actually called Piglet. Who knew?! But he doesn’t have a baby’s name either. And Princess is never acceptable. For anyone, not just Piglet, who probably isn’t called Princess.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘You The Daddy – The Gross Side Of Pregnancy. So true. I Ioved the bit about the bath, having spent virtually nine months in the tub when I was pregnant with my first. It was the only place I could get comfortable. But getting out? Wowzers!’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘The Unsung Mummy – How to Be a Good Parent Employer and Not Be a Twat. This post reminded me why I am very lucky to be a stay-at-home mum. No twattish employers for me – hurrah! Hilarious post with brilliant drawings that illustrate all points marvellously. Every employer in the land needs to read this!’

 
Most Read Post

Mumzilla – Real Life Birth vs Movie Birth

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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