Tagged Justin’s House

Don’t Do It: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Don't Do ItTime again for the weekly feature that is the wit and wisdom of a two year old. Namely, The Toddler.

Without further ado, here is the tiny lady herself:

1. On being melodramatic
Silly Mummy is committing the heinous crime of moving a stuffed toy half a metre. The Toddler is running behind Silly Mummy, making an Oscar bid in the category of Best Toddler in a Complete Overreaction: ‘Come back! Don’t do it! DON’T DO IT!’

2. On non sequiturs
Silly Mummy comes downstairs with The Baby. The Toddler is eating breakfast, wearing a nappy and a headband. This sartorial combination seems worth commenting on, and Silly Mummy does: ‘Are you wearing your headband, The Toddler?’
‘Yes, The Toddler wearing headband. But Daddy going in car now.’ Um…okay?

3. On instructions, inconsistent
The Toddler wants Silly Mummy to build a tower. Silly Mummy is foolish enough to think she can choose where to sit. The Toddler puts an immediate stop to that: ‘No! Sit down there!’ She points. Silly Mummy sits exactly where The Toddler has specified, prompting the entirely understandable screech of, ‘Don’t sit down there!’

4. On herself, changing her mind
The Toddler bounds over to Silly Mummy clutching a plastic croissant from her toy breakfast set. She holds it out to Silly Mummy: ‘Croissant hold it.’ Silly Mummy accepts the croissant. The Toddler snatches it back: ‘The Toddler is need that one!’ Silly Mummy returns to her reading. The croissant is thrust in her face again: ‘Eat it!’ Silly Mummy takes the croissant and pretends to eat it. The Toddler yells, ‘No, can’t eat it! The Toddler is need that!’ Silly Mummy returns the croissant. The Toddler holds it out again: ‘Eat it mouthful!’ This is still going on.

5. On the stair-gate, really pinpointing the purpose of
The Toddler is trying to wrestle the stair-gate open. She is quite concerned by her lack of success: ‘The Toddler armpit*! Oh dear, The Toddler can’t do it! Can’t armpit gate, Mummy!’ It’s almost as if it was specifically designed so that she couldn’t open it.

*’Open it’, for those unfamiliar with The Toddler’s unique usage of the word ‘armpit’.

6. On Mummy, reassuring her
The Toddler’s favourite question of the week is, ‘What’s wrong?’ Silly Mummy trips.
‘What’s wrong, Mummy?
‘Just tripped up.’
‘Oh…Don’t worry, Mummy!’

7. On naughty steps, rhinos
The Lego dog has been naughty. He has been put on the Lego naughty step. Obviously. Silly Mummy is checking that The Toddler is applying the naughty step rules consistently, and the Lego dog knows why he has been naughty. In other words, Silly Mummy really wants to know what the Lego dog is alleged to have done. How naughty can a Lego dog be? Silly Mummy asks, ‘Have you told the dog why naughty step?’
‘Oh! Yes!’ The Toddler runs away. Silly Mummy and the Lego dog are confused. The Toddler returns with a stuffed rhino. She proceeds to make him a step and sit him on it. She looks pleased with herself. Silly Mummy gives her a quizzical look. The Toddler points: ‘Rhino step!’ Oh! She misheard: ‘why naughty step’ = ‘rhino step’.

8. On The Baby, getting rid of her
The Toddler tells Silly Mummy, ‘Put The Baby in car.’ Silly Mummy reminds The Toddler that the car is not here: Daddy has the car. The Toddler nods her agreement, ‘Yes…Put The Baby in car!’ Clearly, The Toddler is unconcerned with which car The Baby gets put in. Any car will do, but she’s not staying in the house.

9. On the backpack, what’s in it
Anyone familiar with the CBeebies programme Justin’s House will know about Mac the Explorer, and her backpack. For those who don’t know, they play a game where she shows them various items from her travels, whilst they all shout, ‘What’s in the backpack, Mac?’ The Toddler is obsessed with Justin’s House. She has gone to bed. All is quiet. Suddenly, over the baby monitor comes The Toddler’s voice: ‘What’s in the backpack? What’s in the backpack? WHAT’S IN THE BACKPACK?’ Quiet again.

10. On Daddy, victim of medical experiment
The Toddler has recently been given a toy doctor’s kit. She picks it up and extracts the scissors and the tweezers. She approaches Daddy, sitting on the sofa: ‘Daddy, go to sleep.’
Daddy is understandably suspicious: ‘Why does Daddy have to go to sleep?’
The Toddler puts on a reassuring voice and slightly psychotic expression: ‘Daddy, sleep. Go to sleep, please.’ There is now a stand-off. The Toddler, still brandishing medical implements, continues to insist that Daddy just go to sleep, no questions asked. Daddy is sensibly remaining awake. There will be no experiments on Daddy today. But one day, Daddy will fall asleep and, when that day comes, Toddler Frankenstein will be waiting. With her tweezers.

Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

Your Emus: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Your EmusIt’s week four and The Toddler is still talking nonsense.

Here she is:

1. On herself, being a pickle
The Toddler is being a bit naughty. She knows it. She announces, ‘Pickle, The Toddler. The Toddler is a pickle.’ Because sometimes it is just easier to tell yourself off.

2. On Daddy, passing blame to
The Toddler needs a nappy change. Silly Mummy says, ‘Somebody is a stinky bum. Who might that be?’
The Toddler knows this one: ‘Daddy!’

3. On emus, hitting them with a hammer*
(*For anyone immediately concerned about animal rights, she doesn’t mean emus. No emus have been harmed in the making of this list.)
The Toddler is playing with her new doctor’s kit. Silly Mummy is explaining the purpose of the little hammer to her: ‘You take it like this, hit your knee here, and your knee moves.’
The Toddler nods wisely, ‘Yes – your emus.’

4. On ambiguous pronunciation
Now, what The Toddler actually said here is not particularly funny. Once Silly Mummy realised what that was. The Toddler is in the park. She is walking along one of the climbing frames with Silly Mummy’s help. She says, ‘Be careful bits.’ Um, excuse me? What did she just call Silly Mummy? Where did she even learn that? Silly Mummy is just working out how to address this issue when The Toddler continues, ‘Bit careful.’ Oh right: she said ‘bits’! The Toddler is referring to how much careful there should be. She is not referring to Silly Mummy.

5. On herself, how long she will wait
The Toddler, The Baby and Silly Mummy have just returned home. The Toddler asks to get out of the pushchair. Silly Mummy explains that she needs to take the heavy shopping bags off the pushchair handle before she takes The Toddler and The Baby out, or the chair will tip over. The Toddler considers this information. ‘Okay, The Toddler will wait five minutes.’ Can’t say fairer than that.

6. On herself, stinky
Silly Mummy is changing The Toddler’s dirty nappy. The Baby is trying to stick her hand in it. Silly Mummy says, ‘No, darling, don’t do that.’
The Toddler chimes in, ‘No, darling, not do. The Toddler is stinky.’

7. On Daddy’s phone, being exasperatingly noisy
Silly Mummy enters the room. The Toddler is looking a little irritated. She points at a shelf: ‘Mummy, Daddy’s phone. Up there. Beeping! Beeping away!’

8. On pigeons, not very friendly
The Toddler sees a pigeon. She wants to be friends. Of course she does. We are standing next to an aviary containing parakeets, doves, ducks, peacocks and canaries. The Toddler loves the pigeon on the pavement. To indicate to the pigeon her wish to be friends, The Toddler runs at it yelling, ‘Bird! Tweet tweet!’ The pigeon considers The Toddler’s invitation. It flies away. The Toddler stops in her tracks: ‘Oh, where did he go?’

9. On The Baby, keeping her informed
The cat has been sick. Silly Mummy is cleaning it up. The Toddler is performing the important task of keeping The Baby abreast of the situation. ‘The Baby, cat was sick. Cat was sick, The Baby. The Baby, cat sick.’ The baby is doing an excellent impression of someone who didn’t ask and doesn’t care.

10. On Mummy, not dancing
The Toddler is dancing (to the Justin’s House theme, which she is also singing: ‘Justin’s house, doopy, doopy, doopy, doopy…’). Silly Mummy is in the mood for a spot of dancing. Silly Mummy joins in. All her best moves. The Toddler stops. The Toddler turns her most disparaging look on Silly Mummy: ‘No, Mummy, not dancing, Mummy.’
‘Mummy, no! Sit down, Mummy!’

Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

I’ll Tell You What, Mummy: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

I'll Tell You What, Mummy: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last WeekIn what has now officially become a new feature (two weeks in a row is a new feature, right?), Silly Mummy once again presents ten of the funniest things The Toddler said last week. (If you missed last week’s edition, you can see it here.)

So here she is, The Toddler:

1. On Mummy, not getting a kiss
Silly Mummy asks The Toddler, ‘Can I have a kiss?’
‘No, Mummy. Thanks.’ Thanks? Thanks?? What is that? Not just rejected, but formally rejected: ‘Thank you for your interest in a kiss but, unfortunately, we will not pursuing your application at this time.’ Silly Mummy considers herself told.

2. On stairs, no one being big enough
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are about to descend the stairs. Silly Mummy is carrying The Baby; The Toddler will walk down herself, holding Mummy’s hand. The Toddler knows we must be careful going down the stairs. She knows The Baby cannot go down the stairs by herself. At the top of the stairs, The Toddler proclaims, ‘The Baby not stairs!’
Silly Mummy confirms, ‘No, The Baby can’t go on the stairs – she’s not big enough, is she?’
The Toddler nods, and adds, ‘The Toddler not big enough.’
‘You’re not big enough for the stairs?’
‘No. And Mummy not big girl. No stairs!’ Oh dear. The Baby, The Toddler and Silly Mummy are all not big enough to go down the stairs. Well, this is a dilemma. On with the post from the top of the stairs, where we shall remain until we are big girls.

3. On not
The Toddler has decided the word ‘not’ can stand alone. The Toddler holds no truck with any of the words ‘not’ usually serves to negate. Do not, cannot, will not, have not, is not, must not. Clearly, ‘not’ is the significant word here: those pesky verbs are just wasting her time.
‘Can you put those back, The Toddler?’
‘Oh no, Mummy, not.’
‘Do you want to get dressed, The Toddler?’
‘Oh no, Mummy, not.’

4. On Mummy, shutting up
‘Shhh, Mummy, shut.’ Did she just tell Silly Mummy to shut up? She just told Silly Mummy to shut up, didn’t she?

5. On Grandma, not available on the remote control
Now, The Toddler often Skypes with her various grandparents on the TV. She knows about Skype. She provides detailed instructions: ‘Call Grandma on TV. Remote up there! Armpit cam!’ (To clarify, the remotes are kept out of reach – ‘up there’. The webcam is not kept in anyone’s armpit – the shutter needs opening, and The Toddler’s version of ‘open it’ is ‘armpit’.) The Toddler is also aware that Mummy and Daddy tend to phone the grandparents first to see if they are available. It seems The Toddler is now taking matters into her own hands. She has her toy remote control. She puts it up to her ear. (The Toddler is very busy. She does not have time to find her toy phone and her toy remote. The remote is therefore now a phone.) ‘Hello. Talking. Hello, Grandma. It’s me. The Baby is naughty. Hello. Talking. Hmm. Yes. Okay.’ The Toddler takes the remote away from her ear. She is satisfied that she has now made the appropriate arrangements with Grandma on the remote/phone (and, apparently, has additionally reported The Baby for some unspecified transgression). The Toddler now points the remote at the TV: ‘Hello. It’s me. Hello.’ The TV continues to play Sarah and Duck. Not a Grandma in sight. (Not a parent in sight, for that matter. Who on earth is responsible for that child? Wandering around town with a duck. A duck is not a suitable legal guardian. In Silly Mummy’s day cartoon children were properly supervised by a pair of responsible adult legs at all times! But Sarah and Duck is not the point here…) The Toddler continues to wave the remote at the TV, which (unsurprisingly, given that it’s a toy remote) remains Grandma-less. ‘Hello. It’s me. Can’t see Grandma. Oh dear.’

6. On Daddy, doing it every time
Daddy and The Toddler are playing throw and catch (throw and throw, in The Toddler’s case (http://risforhoppit.uk/throw-and-catch/)). Without The Toddler’s prior written approval, Daddy decides to include The Baby in throw and catch. For the first time ever, Daddy throws the ball to The Baby. The Toddler shakes her head disapprovingly, ‘Every time, Daddy.’ Clearly, that particular sarcastic phrase has been over-used by the adults of the house. You have to hand it to The Toddler: she may have misinterpreted the appropriate context, but she absolutely nailed the appropriate tone.

7. On The Baby, shouldering the blame
The Toddler and The Baby are both misbehaving in the bathroom. The Toddler is attempting to wash the toilet with the hand soap. The Baby is attempting to make a break for it with her bottom out. Silly Mummy says, ‘You’re both naughty pickles.’
The Toddler nods wisely and says, ‘Yes, The Baby, you’re a naughty pickle.’

8. On drunkenness
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in M&S, walking through the menswear department. The Toddler starts yelling, ‘Drunken! Drunken, Mummy!’ Well, that’s not good. (Particularly unfair, too, as Silly Mummy in fact doesn’t drink at all.) The Toddler is not to be dissuaded: ‘Drunken! Drunken!’ Silly Mummy glances around, thinking maybe The Toddler means something else that just sounds like ‘drunken’. Nothing that sounds remotely like ‘drunken’ is identified. The Toddler continues to shout about ‘drunken’ until distracted by the lift: ‘Ooh up, down!’ (If you are wondering, Silly Mummy has no idea why The Toddler always seems to pick M&S for these incidents. (http://risforhoppit.uk/bin/) We don’t even go to M&S a lot.) The drunken episode is a mystery. It has been forgotten by two days later, when one of The Toddler’s DVDs of songs reaches ‘What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor’, and The toddler yells, ‘Drunken! Drunken!’ Oh, right. She was singing. Obviously. Silly Mummy. Now that Silly Mummy comes to think of it, why is ‘Drunken Sailor’ on a DVD of songs for young children, anyway? Do they not realise that small children believe singing means shouting random words from songs? Do they not realise people have to go out in public with their children?

9. On The Baby, offering encouragement to
The Baby pulls herself up on her little walker and sets off across the room. The Toddler, with no prompting, calls, ‘Oh wowee, The Baby! Oh wowee!’

10. On Mummy, telling her what
The Toddler has mastered the art of anticipation. Accidentally. She announces, ‘I’ll tell you what, Mummy.’ Silly Mummy is intrigued. What is this information The Toddler is about to impart? No, really, what is it? Hello? The Toddler is gone. She is unaware that the phrase ‘I’ll tell you what’ is intended to pre-empt, well, telling someone something. After some initial confusion as to where she picked up this latest toddler-ism, Silly Mummy can confirm that it has been conclusively traced to Justin’s House. Silly Mummy can only assume that Justin Fletcher does proceed to tell the audience something, but The Toddler is probably searching for imaginary jam by that point. (http://risforhoppit.uk/jam/)

Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me