Welcome to this week’s screening of Carry On Toddlering…sorry, this week’s Ten Funniest Things post.
Silly Mummy presents Kenneth Williams…sorry, The Toddler:
1. On her mind, ready
The Toddler is preparing for one of her trips again. It appears there is some confusion today as to the imaginary weather. The Toddler says, ‘Going now. Very cold outside. Very warm outside.’
Silly Mummy laughs, ‘Make your mind up!’
The Toddler replies, ‘Yes, mind up. Mind’s all ready to go.’
2. On stealing from The Baby
The Toddler has snatched a handful of The Baby’s lunch from the highchair. Silly Mummy says, ‘Don’t eat The Baby’s food, please. Give it back to her.’ The Toddler returns the food. Silly Mummy turns to The Baby: ‘The Baby, if The Toddler takes your food, say, “Stop thief!”‘ The Baby smiles. Two minutes later, The Toddler sidles over to the highchair, grabs another handful of The Baby’s food, and helpfully says, ‘Stop thief!’
3. On the Bandersnatch
The Toddler is watching Alice in Wonderland. She points at the screen: ‘What’s that?’
Silly Mummy says, ‘That’s the Bandersnatch.’
The Toddler watches the Bandersnatch chase Alice: ‘Look, it’s the big bad Bander…thingy!’
4. On Silly Mummy, very funny
Silly Mummy is chattering away, nothing very groundbreaking. The Toddler wanders over, ‘You’re very funny.’ (*Silly Mummy takes a bow*) Well, thank you very much, The Toddler: Silly Mummy will be here all week.
5. On childrens, responsibility for
The Toddler is watching Balamory. She appears to have decided that she is looking after the school children. Who are older than her. And aren’t in the living room. She announces, ‘Hello, childrens. I’m going to come with you.’ She proceeds to tear off in the direction of the door. She trips and falls. Her little voice can be heard: ‘Whoops! Sorry, childrens!’
6. On manners
The Toddler is feeling very polite. She sticks her face in Silly Mummy’s: ‘Might I kiss you?’
7. On Sleeping Beauty
The Toddler’s skill at abridging stories is in evidence again. This time she is telling Sleeping Beauty: ‘Is sleeping beauty. Once upon a time…was Sleeping Beauty.’ She really knows how to capture the key elements of a story.
8. On Silly Mummy, sweetheart
The Toddler wanders up to Silly Mummy. Silly Mummy says, ‘Hello, sweetheart.’
The Toddler replies, ‘Hello, sweetheart Mummy.’
9. On being Kenneth Williams
The Toddler is holding her water at a precarious angle. Silly Mummy says, ‘Can you be careful with the water?’
The Toddler replies, ‘Ooh I say!’ Silly Mummy didn’t realise we were in Carry On Toddlering.
10. On sorting it out
The Toddler has a new obsession with removing pyjamas from The Baby. The Baby is wandering the living room in her nappy. Silly Mummy says, ‘The Baby might be a bit cold now you’ve undressed her, The Toddler.’
The Toddler sets off after The Baby, ‘I’ll go and sort it out.’ Despite The Toddler’s air of calm competence, Silly Mummy can’t help but notice that she ‘sorts it out’ by commandeering The Baby’s ball. The Baby is still rather naked. And she now has no ball.