Tagged Mary Poppins

The Toddler: Feminist, Artist, Tin Enthusiast

256px-Emmeline_Pankhurst_Arrested_1914The Toddler spent a couple of hours at Daddy’s work, and she has a story to tell. A gripping tale, full of twists and intrigue. It has something for everyone: DIY, confusion, mundanity, feminism.

The Toddler is off to a good start, beginning in classic narrative fashion.

‘I’m going to tell you the story about what I did at Daddy’s work.’

We’re all sitting comfortably. The Toddler will begin.

‘I drawed and drawed and drawed and drawed, and then I got Daddy’s screwdriver.’

No explanation relating to the screwdriver is forthcoming. It will remain a mystery – left to the audience’s imagination. Meanwhile, the story continues with further exploration of the drawing part of the excursion.

‘I drawed a curtain and some tins.’

A curtain? And some tins? Is this the most mundane toddler artist ever?

‘Yes, they were in the tin and there was another tin, but Daddy said that was just a stormtrooper.’

Ah, this is starting to make more sense. Well, if you remove stormtrooper references, that is. The drawing pencils were in a tin? The Toddler didn’t draw tins?

‘Yes. They were in a tin.’

So, what did The Toddler draw?

‘I drew a panker.’

Erm…a panker?

‘Yes, panker. Sister suffragette. From Kensington to Billingsgate…’

The Toddler breaks into a very good rendition of Sister Suffragette from Mary Poppins. Not the most mundane toddler artist ever, after all. A genius. And a feminist. Emmeline Pankhurst? The Toddler drew Mrs Pankhurst?

‘Yes, panker! Sister suffragette. Shoulder to shoulder into the fray…’

Daddy interjects: ‘Didn’t you draw Daddy?’

‘Oh, yes, it was Daddy, actually.’

So near and yet so far. The patriarchy crushes feminism once again. Emmeline Pankhurst and the rest of the suffragettes fought tirelessly for equal rights with daddies to appear in toddlers’ drawings. Yet, here we are, in 2016…

 
 
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These Are a Few of MY Favourite Things (Mine, All Mine)

four_dwarvesToday we’re getting musical, in the loosest possible sense of the word, with The Toddler and The Baby, and their top five hits of the year so far, as featured in the Silly Chart Show.

 
5. A new entry from The Toddler, with Don’t Pick Your Nose Up Off the Floor

There is a song on The Toddler’s Sing and Sign DVD that goes:
‘Don’t wipe your nose on the sofa
Don’t trap your fingers in the door
You shouldn’t, you mustn’t, you can’t do that
And don’t eat that biscuit off the floor’

The Toddler is in the back of the car, performing her own special rendition of this song: ‘…Don’t pick your nose up off the floor…’

 
4. An old favourite staying steady at Number 4 (though we may have forgotten it): The Toddler, with Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

The Toddler would like it to be known that she still knows Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious: ‘I remember that Califragilistic song!’ Indeed. Not the name. Or any of the lyrics. But, in all other respects, perfect recollection.

 
3. A first entry to the Chart for The Baby, with Heigh Ho

The Baby likes to join in with the dwarfs in Snow White as they head off to work singing Heigh Ho. She only really knows one word in the song, but she makes it work. Despite not being quite sure where exactly they are going, she is game to join in with the going itself. She marches around the coffee table, singing : ‘Go! Go! Go! Go!’ The moments when the dwarfs are also singing ‘go’ are very exciting for her. There is a special dance.

 
2. Not a new entry, but a remix in at Number 2 for The Toddler, with Silent Night
The Toddler has expanded on her early version of Silent Night (‘All is calm/All is calm/All is calm/All is calm’). There are now more lyrics. Not the usual lyrics, granted, but lyrics nonetheless.
‘Silent night
All is calm down
Sleeping Beauty
Sleeping Beauty is come
That’s the end’

Ah, yes, a classic musical rendition of the traditional Nativity story: Sleeping Beauty went to sleep in a manger and nothing else happened.

 
1. Straight in at Number 1, it’s The Toddler feat. Silly Mummy, with My Favourite Things

The Toddler currently likes My Favourite Things. She requires Silly Mummy to sing it at bedtime. However, she likes to interject with a few amendments. Just to make it clear whose things these actually are.

Silly Mummy (singing): ‘Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels…’
The Toddler (yelling): ‘It’s MY apple!’
Silly Mummy (singing): ‘…These are a few of my favourite things…’
The Toddler (yelling): ‘They’re MY things!’

Toddler of all Trades

The Toddler has many jobs. She is a Jack of all trades. It would be mean to say a master of none, but she wears her stethoscope around her waist – you can draw your own conclusions.

Some of The Toddler’s numerous professions have been documented before. She has been a Planning Officer. (All constructions erected without The Toddler’s express prior approval are issued with an immediate cease and desist (‘you mustn’t do that, you naughty crocodile’) order, before being summarily demolished. With a plastic knife.) Then there was The Toddler’s secretive, unspecified work with computers/Toot Toot safari tracks. Doctor Toddler has, of course, made a number of appearances (once as a hairdresser). When the ‘childrens’ need her, Toddler Poppins makes an appearance as a nanny (with broomstick/umbrella and doctor’s kit/carpet bag). And we cannot forget The Toddler’s brief stint as a despot.

However, The Toddler has further feathers to her bow. Here are just a few.

Mr Maker/Tony Hart/Blue Peter
The Toddler is playing with play doh. Silly Mummy has been showing her how to make snails. The Toddler has one snail Silly Mummy made and one snail she made. It is time for a rather odd tutorial. Very authoritatively, The Toddler announces: ‘Now, what we’re going to do is squish them. Like this.’ Of course we are. The Toddler now has two play doh snails joined together in the middle. Basically, she has conjoined play doh snail twins. To Silly Mummy’s disappointment, she does not proceed to take out conjoined play doh snail twins she made earlier and attach them to a fairy liquid bottle with double sided tape. She does, however, offer her encouragement to her Silly audience (who have not actually participated in the activity, due to not having any play doh snails because The Toddler has them all). Nonetheless, The Toddler wants Silly Mummy to believe in her ability to not make conjoined play doh snail twins. She enthusiastically informs Silly Mummy: ‘You did very well.’

Suffragette
The Toddler is an enthusiastic member of the Suffragette movement, thanks to Mary Poppins. Sister Suffragette is her current favourite song. The Toddler marches purposefully; laments that men, as a group, are rather stupid; and takes heart that Mrs Pankhurst has been clapped in irons again. The Toddler likes to sing her Suffragette song as her bedtime lullaby. She likes to affirm that she is not a meek and mild subservient, and will be fighting for her rights militantly from the comfort of her bed. Silly Mummy does not like to tell The Toddler that women gained suffrage some time ago. Still, perhaps The Toddler is fighting for votes for toddlers, who are, after all, a woefully neglected political resource.

Engineer
The Toddler has a musical book of Row Your Boat. The music button is starting to play up and often does not work. It is broken again. The Toddler grabs her broomstick: ‘I’m using broomstick to fix book!’ Just as Silly Mummy starts to explain that this will not work, The Toddler whacks the button with the handle of her broomstick and the book obediently starts playing its song. Silly Mummy stands corrected. Isambard Toddler Brunel knows exactly what she is doing.

Warlord
The Toddler is watching Nanny McPhee and The Big Bang. When the boys go to the War Office, The Toddler asks, ‘Where are they?’ Upon Silly Mummy explaining about the War Office, The Toddler nods wisely: ‘I want to do a war. I can do a war.’

Doctor (again)
After briefly changing career to be a hairdresser, Doctor Toddler has decided to give medicine another go. She seems to have had extra training, and has honed her diagnostic skills. She approaches Silly Mummy with her stethoscope: ‘Take a deep breath.’ The Toddler listens to Silly Mummy’s chest. Sometimes Toddler Doctors have to deliver upsetting news. The Toddler does not like to sugar coat it: ‘Hmm, think it’s a bit boring.’ Fortunately, there is a cure. The Toddler brings her syringe: ‘Make it better.’ Having removed the boring infection with a syringe, The Toddler decides she had better check it has not spread: ‘Can I check your ear?’ Inevitably, Doctor Toddler is now waving a reflex hammer. She takes hold of Silly Mummy’s leg, and asks, ‘Where’s your leg? I can’t see it!’ Silly Mummy decides she is going to have to ask to see The Toddler’s medical qualifications. Having located the elusive leg, The Toddler notices Silly Mummy has a bruise: ‘Oh no, bit bang.’ The Toddler whacks the bruise with the hammer: ‘Is that ok? Now, where’s temperature?’ Silly Mummy is really going to have to insist on seeing those qualifications. It should be noted that Doctor Toddler, in compliance with best practice, wears her stethoscope around her waist at all times.

Chef
Chef Toddler is playing with the remnants of her dinner. Like all good chefs, she knows that with a bit of attitude you can (over)charge diners for anything. She turns to Silly Daddy, points at her leftovers, and confidently declares, ‘That’s £5 for you.’ Of course, Silly Daddy is paying for Chef Toddler’s expertise and finesse in preparing her leftover mush: ‘I’ll just mix it round. Is that all right for you?’ The Toddler feels she has nailed being a gourmet chef. She has got the requisite temper tantrums down to a fine art, too.

You Know The Rules: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things feature, this week guest starring Michael the Dinosaur.

Michael would like the present The Toddler:

1. On dinosaurs, ridiculously named
The Toddler has a placemat with dinosaurs on it. Usually she puts her bowl on the placemat, eats her meals, and no more is said. However, The Toddler feels it is about time she had a bit more interaction with her placemat. She picks it up and addresses one of the dinosaurs: ‘Want a drink, Michael?’ (Michael?! Michael the Dinosaur?!) The Toddler proceeds to answer on behalf of Michael (Michael!) the Dinosaur: ‘Yes, thank you.’ Michael would like some water. He would also like everyone to stop calling him Michael. It’s ruining his street cred.*

(*Remember the velociraptor terrorising the people in the kitchen in Jurassic Park? Imagine if he’d been called Michael. Michael the Velociraptor would have been laughed out of that kitchen. Phil, the infamous Dinosaur Supervisor, might have got to keep his job.)

 
2. On drawings of faces, showing appropriate concern for them
The Toddler has been practising drawing. And empathising. She likes to draw (with help, of course) faces with different expressions. And then empathise with them, apparently. Silly Mummy says, ‘Shall we draw a sad face?’ Silly Mummy helps The Toddler to draw a sad face. The Toddler studies it with a concerned expression: ‘Oh no, that poor boy!’

3. On birthdays, not sharing
The Toddler has been informed that it is Granny’s birthday. This makes her a little irate. She has just realised that it is, in fact, her birthday too (it is not). She is rather indignant at the cheek of Granny, who apparently expects to share The Toddler’s not birthday: ‘No, it’s my birthday! Granny go away!* That’s a bad thing to do!’ There you have it: the brass neck of some people, swanning around, having birthdays like it’s a perfectly acceptable way to behave!

(*It should be noted that Granny is not even present. The Toddler has simply been told in passing that, somewhere out there, Granny is having her birthday. The Toddler is not one to overreact.)

 
4. On salmon, he’s in the car
The Toddler is eating salmon. Silly Mummy says, ‘Salmon’s nice, isn’t it?’
The Toddler quite agrees: ‘Yes, salmon’s in the car, isn’t he?’ Um…The Toddler may have confused the fish salmon with the name Simon. As you do.

5. On herself, needing discipline
The Toddler may be naughty, but at least she is self aware. She announces: ‘Yes, I do need Nanny McPhee.’

6. On raisins, imaginary chocolate
The Toddler has finally taken imaginary play to its logical conclusion – believing her food is covered in chocolate when it is not. Silly Mummy has given The Toddler a tub with some normal raisins in it. For some reason (it’s called optimism), The Toddler is convinced the raisins are chocolate raisins. She peers into the tub: ‘It’s got choccy raisins in it. I like choccy raisins.’ Silly Mummy expects an upset when The Toddler realises there are no chocolate raisins. Instead, The Toddler points at the raisins. She has apparently managed to locate the non-existent chocolate raisins: ‘There’s choccy raisins!’ She happily eats them.

7. On songs, not learning new ones
Grandma is making the mistake of trying to teach The Toddler a new song. The Toddler does not believe in new songs. Songs are only songs if The Toddler knows them. It’s a mystery how The Toddler learnt any songs at all. She is not learning this one. She is shouting over Grandma’s stubborn singing: ‘I can’t sing that one! I don’t know that one! No, Grandma, that’s not fair!’

8. On nannying
The Toddler is holding her broomstick up over her head and carrying her doctor’s kit. She marches through the living room, declaring, ‘I’m going to see the childrens.’ Yes, she’s impersonating Mary Poppins, with a broomstick as an umbrella and a doctor’s kit in place of the carpet bag. Now, who would like to leave their ‘childrens’ in the competent and responsible hands of Toddler Poppins?

9. On knowing the rules
The Toddler is trying to hit the cat with a broomstick, and has been told off. She understands the situation and the need for swift disciplinary measures. Yes indeed: Silly Mummy is being very badly behaved and must be stopped. The Toddler acts promptly, informing Silly Mummy: ‘You know the rules!* Go on naughty step! That’s naughty from you!’

(*Apparently, there is a rule that Silly Mummy is not to tell The Toddler to stop trying to hit the cat with a broomstick. Silly Daddy must have approved that rule.)

 
10. On pandas, wearing them
The Toddler has a couple of items of clothing with pandas on them, which she loves (and is keen to ensure no one tries to steal). However, it appears that she may have become confused as to what pandas actually are. It seems she may believe they themselves are some kind of clothing. Silly Mummy is looking at pictures of the new baby pandas born in China. The Toddler wanders over and peers at the pictures: ‘Oh pandas! Can I put them on?’ No wonder pandas are endangered. Their food has little nutrition, they don’t mate, toddlers are wearing them…

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 19: Clock
Week 21: Woof

Woof: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and this week there is also a word (literally) from William Wallace, sorry, The Baby.

First, Silly Mummy gives you The Toddler:

1. On ears, not safe
Silly Mummy touches The Toddler’s ear, apparently a more dangerous activity than it appears, as The Toddler yells, ‘Don’t touch it! It’s not safe!’ She does not expand upon exactly why her ear is not safe.

2. On the Tooth Fairy
The Baby is very insistently offering The Toddler a leaflet that came through the door and is now The Baby’s most prized possession. The Toddler is ignoring her eager little sister, so Silly Mummy explains that The Baby would like The Toddler to take her leaflet because she is trying to be nice. The Toddler catches on and takes the leaflet: ‘You give that to me? Thank you, The Baby.’ As is usually the way with small children, of course, The Baby only wanted to loan her prized possession to The Toddler. She is now looking hopefully at The Toddler. Silly Mummy asks The Toddler if she would like to give the leaflet back to The Baby now. The Toddler would not: ‘Not going to have it back. It’s my Tooth Fairy.’ Of course it is. Bloody Peppa Pig and her Tooth Fairy letters.

3. On Mary Poppins, summarising
The Toddler has just got to the end of Mary Poppins (again). As Mary flies off with her umbrella, The Toddler summarises the situation: ‘Mary Poppins she’s got to go and see more children. She’s got to go and fly a kite with her bag.’ Yes, that seems to about cover the end of Mary Poppins, if not correct kite flying techniques.

4. On Labyrinth, also summarising
Other films The Toddler has a perfect grasp of include Labyrinth (which Silly Daddy is inexplicably convinced any two year old would want to see): ‘Where’s the baby? We can’t find it!’ David Bowie appears, The Toddler exclaims: ‘What’s that?’

5. On distrac…fluff
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are engaged in a serious conversation, not that Silly Mummy can remember what it is about, as The Toddler seems to have led the discussion firmly down the path labelled distraction: ‘And then…Oh a bit of fluff there. Just a bit of fluff. It’s there. I get rid of it. It’s gone now.’ (As is everyone’s train of thought.)

6. On porridge, apologising for
The Toddler has been asking Silly Mummy for porridge. Silly Mummy is about to make The Toddler some food, and seeks to confirm whether porridge is still desired: ‘Do you still want to have porridge?’
The Toddler appears to feel Silly Mummy’s question implies porridge making is a particularly onerous task: ‘Yes, I do. Sorry about that. I’ll get it myself then.’

7. On her name
The Toddler is misbehaving. Silly Mummy informs her she is a little monster. The Toddler knows Silly Mummy gets confused, and patiently corrects her: ‘I’m not a monster, I’m The Toddler!’

8. On saying ‘woof’
The Toddler is saying ‘woof’. For no particular reason. This is a little odd. She’s also giving a running commentary about the fact that she is saying ‘woof’. This is more than a little odd. ‘Woof. I say woof to The Baby. I’ll say woof to you. Woof. Do you like woof, The Baby?’

9. On kettles, boring
Silly Mummy is asking The Baby to fetch her various items (to see what words The Baby understands, not because The Baby is Silly Mummy’s slave). Silly Mummy asks The Baby if she can find the kettle from the toy tea set. The Toddler has an objection and interjects: ‘You can’t have the kettle – it’s very boring.’

10. On sharing
The Toddler has been rooting around in the games cupboard she is not supposed to go in. Playing cards are now all over the floor. Silly Mummy is picking them up. The Toddler is protesting Silly Mummy’s seizure of ‘her’ property. Silly Mummy points out: ‘Those are Mummy’s cards.’
The Toddler is feeling generous: ‘I’ll share them with you.’

 
 
A word (just the one) from The Baby
The Baby has broken into the restricted (for toddlers and baby toddlers) dining area. She is very pleased with herself. She dodges Silly Mummy and manages to grab a pen before she is apprehended. As Silly Mummy approaches her, The Baby waves her pen in the air, Braveheart style, and issues her war cry: ‘Booooooop!’ You can take The Baby’s pen, but you’ll never take her bop! (In all fairness, ‘bop’ is a more rational war cry than the one William Wallace uses in that film. I’d go so far as to suggest that the course of Scottish history could have been very different had the Scots waved their pens and yelled ‘bop’ at the army of Edward I.)

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 20: You’re a Good Winner

The Sound of Poppins

Mary_Poppins2 The Toddler is singing:
‘Supercalifragilistic*mumble mumble*docious
Even though The Sound of Music…’
Yes, she has created a Mary Poppins/Sound of Music mash up. The hair dye has not fooled her: Julie Andrews is Julie Andrews, no need for separate songs around here.

I have been hoping she will continue on with the original lyrics of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious:
‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Even though The Sound of Music is something quite atrocious…’
Accurate, no?

Thus far, The Toddler has not obliged. I have therefore kindly completed the verse on her behalf. I expect that Julie Andrews will be wanting to use my new song, and she is very welcome.
‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Even though The Sound of Music is something quite atrocious
If you watch Mary Poppins long enough, you always will forgive me
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.’

Obviously, following this triumph, I was feeling a little bit pleased with myself, and I have therefore taken the whole thing too far. Oh, yes, I have come up with further Mary Poppins/Sound of Music mashups.

Introducing The Sound of Poppins, in which flying nanny nuns ward off marauding Nazis and amorous chimney sweeps in fairly equal measure. Featuring an award winning soundtrack*, including:

    1. Sister Maria Suffragette
    2. ‘A spoonful of sugar helps the anschluss go down
    The anschuss go down
    The anschluss go down
    Just a spoonful of sugar helps the anschluss go down
    In the most delightful way’
    3. My Carpet Bag Things
    4. Let’s Go Fly a Swastika
    5. Goose Step in Time
    (‘It’s the Fuhrer, step in time
    It’s the Fuhrer, step in time’)

Actually, they could have used Mary Poppins in The Sound of Music. She’d have got those troublesome Nazis under control. Practically Perfect people don’t stand for invasions of Poland. Of course, then who would have stopped those bloody awful children caterwauling? (People claim the Nazis did nothing for the arts. No one ever remembers that they got the Von Trapps off the stage. Credit where it’s due, I say.)

(*Someone is surely going to award me Daftest Blog Post of the Week, right?)

We Are Not a Stinker: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time. Last week started quietly, but Silly Mummy is pleased to say that The Toddler stepped up her game, pulled it out of the bag, and turned into Queen Victoria. As you do.

So please curtesy for Queen Toddler:

1. On cooking and the Can Can
The Toddler has a new television obsession. She enjoys ‘Can Can Cook’.* This is obviously that CBeebies programme where Katy teaches us how to make risotto whilst wearing a frilly dress and performing a high-kicking French dance. It’s an innovative idea, but only for the very coordinated among us.

(*She means ‘I Can Cook‘, which Silly Mummy now realises is disappointingly lacking in anyone doing the Can Can.)

 
2. On the royal we
The Toddler has a new identity. As Queen Victoria. She has done a poo and Silly Mummy says, ‘I think you’re a stinker.’
The Toddler replies with the royal we: ‘We are not a stinker, are we?’ Silly Mummy believes we are a stinker, but we are certainly not amused. (See what we did there?)

3. On one’s boots
Further to the above, The Toddler apparently also now receives her shoes in a manner befitting her new role as Queen Victoria: ‘There’s one’s boots.’

4. On eating The Baby’s food
The Toddler has just finished her lunch. The Baby is still eating in the high chair. The Toddler says, ‘May I go and see The Baby?’
Silly Mummy has some experience with the possible motivation behind this request: ‘Yes, but please don’t take her food. Let her eat her food.’
The Toddler nods, ‘Okay.’ She pauses. ‘I might have a little bit.’ It was not a suggestion, The Toddler!

5. On thank you, sooooo much
The Toddler’s usual form of showing gratitude is now: ‘Thank you. Thank you sooooo much.’ Is she really, really grateful? Or is she really sarcastic? Did anyone watch Father Ted? Remember Father Jack’s tone when he was doing an exaggerated, sarcastic thank you? It’s exactly that tone. Yep: she’s sarcastic, isn’t she?

6. On herself, only little
Silly Mummy is explaining to The Toddler why she can’t eat a whole rock bun: ‘That’s a grown up size portion of cake. You’re only little.’
The Toddler decides to concede the point: ‘Yes, I am a bit little.’

7. On The Baby, how she should eat
The Toddler is offering advice and instruction to The Baby on an area in which she has great expertise: eating. She is pointing at The Baby’s mouth, and explaining exactly what she should do: ‘Eat it very properly.’

8. On naughty penguins/oranges
The Toddler is pushing around a toy shopping trolley. She brings it over to Silly Mummy and opines, ‘That one’s being naughty!’ She points at a plastic orange (which does its best to look innocent), and continues, ‘That penguin!’ Well, that is a naughty penguin, living a double life as an orange. Thank god The Toddler can see through its web of deception to the (naughty) penguin within.

9. On supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
The Toddler’s love of Mary Poppins has still not abated, and she continues to attempt to learn to say ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’. She has made progress, and can now say about half of the word, but she is using it in a rather odd context. The Baby has taken one of The Toddler’s toys: ‘Give it back, The Baby! Supercalifragilistic you!’ It is possible she thinks supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a threat. Or voodoo.

10. On reading
The Toddler picks up one of Silly Mummy’s books: ‘Right then, Mummy’s book. Right then, let’s read this.’ Following this pep talk, The Toddler starts turning pages. After a few pages, she looks up and says sadly, ‘I’m not very well at reading books.’

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 13: I’m Not a Hufflepuff
Week 14: Childrens

Daddy on the Naughty Step

There is something of a commotion going on in the Silly household. Silly Daddy has been naughty. No one but The Toddler knows what Silly Daddy has actually done, but it appears to be quite serious. An immediate naughty step offence, in fact.

The Toddler orders: ‘Daddy, naughty step.’ Silly Daddy protests against being sent to the naughty step, but The Toddler is unmoved: ‘Daddy, go to naughty step now!’ Silly Daddy is not giving in without a fight; he does not want to sit on the naughty step. The Toddler, however, has brushed up on her Super Nanny* technique, and she is not negotiating: ‘Go and sit on naughty step.’
Silly Daddy realises resistance is futile and resigns himself to his punishment: ‘How long do I have to sit on the naughty step?’
The Toddler considers: ‘Five minutes. Go and sit on naughty step five minutes!’ Silly Mummy feels obligated to remind The Toddler that naughty step time should be one minute for every year of age, and that Silly Daddy therefore needs to remain on the step for 34 minutes. This may seem mean of Silly Mummy, but Silly Mummy is acting in Silly Daddy’s best interests. How will he learn if the rules are not applied properly and consistently? The Toddler ponders Silly Mummy’s correction, nods and confirms: ‘Two minutes. That’s right.’ Silly Daddy looks smug.

In accordance with the strictly enforced timeframe for Silly Daddy’s naughty step sitting, exactly four seconds later The Toddler announces: ‘Say sorry? You say sorry, get up now.’

Silly Mummy can’t help but notice that there has been a further breach of naughty step protocol. Silly Daddy has not been reminded of why he was asked to sit on the naughty step. Indeed, Silly Daddy has not been told what he had done wrong at any time. No one has. Silly Mummy wants to know. Silly Mummy says to The Toddler, ‘Don’t forget to tell Daddy why he was naughty. What had he done?’
The Toddler announces Silly Daddy’s naughty step-worthy misbehaviour: ‘Didn’t sit on naughty step.’ Ah, of course. Toddler logic. Having not done anything wrong, Silly Daddy was unsurprisingly not sitting on the naughty step. This was very naughty, and required immediate banishment to sit on the naughty step. Presumably to think about what he hadn’t done.

The Toddler continues, ‘But Daddy’s better now. Good boy, Daddy!’ Well, yes, Silly Mummy can see how sitting on the naughty step would have made the naughty behaviour of not sitting on the naughty step better.

The Toddler is now trying out the behavioural technique of positive reinforcement. Daddy has been a good boy, he will be rewarded: ‘Can sit on sofa now. Clap, Mummy! Clap!’ Silly Mummy obediently claps Silly Daddy’s progression from naughty step to sofa. Silly Mummy doesn’t want to end up on the naughty step.

(*She must have been taking a break from her usual favourite nanny Mary Poppins. If The Toddler had been channelling Mary Poppins, Silly Daddy would have been singing songs and clicking his fingers. Mary Poppins would not use the naughty step: practically perfect people NEVER use the naughty step.)

Undone, Everyone: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time again, and the newly appointed Sea Captain Mummy presents The Toddler:

1. On supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
The Toddler continues to be besotted with Mary Poppins. Feeling ambitious, she decides to try singing Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious: ‘Super…sup…suer…supra…supercagla…Mummy, I can’t say that word at all!’ Don’t worry, The Toddler, quite understandable. It’s a very difficult word. Silly Mummy would go so far as to say the sound of it is something quite atrocious.

2. On furniture, not a climbing frame
The Baby has been behaving in a reckless – and frankly very childish -manner, clambering all over the furniture. The Toddler is not standing for it: ‘It’s not a climbing frame, The Baby. I’ve told you not to climb it. Please don’t climb, The Baby.’

3. On The Baby, brainwashing of
The Toddler is attempting to brainwash The Baby. The Toddler wants to watch Peppa Pig, but has met Silly Mummy based resistance. She needs back up, and she knows just the baby to ask: ‘The Baby, do you not want to watch Peppa Pig? Say it. The Baby, you say Peppa Pig. The Baby, you say it. The Baby likes say Peppa Pig. Look at me, The Baby. Say it.’ The Baby remains silent on the subject, but does pick up The Toddler’s Peppa Pig balloon. The Toddler will take that as a win: ‘That’s right, The Baby! Peppa Pig! That’s right, The Baby – Peppa pig on there!’

4. On Silly Daddy, incrimination of
In the latest episode of ‘The Toddler’s Guide to Proper Decorum at the Doctors’ Surgery’ The Toddler has been demonstrating how to alleviate boredom by incriminating Silly Daddy. The Baby is having her vaccinations. The Toddler apparently suddenly remembers her last trip to the doctor, when Silly Daddy took her to have a skin condition on her neck checked out. The Toddler decides to inform the nurse about this trip. Sort of. She announces, ‘I hurt my neck!’ Silly Mummy realises what The Toddler is thinking about, but then Silly Mummy is trained in the art of toddler interpretation. The nurse looks concerned and replies, ‘Oh dear, have you? What’s wrong with it?’
The Toddler expands on her original statement: ‘I hurt my neck!’
The nurse says, ‘How did that happen?’
The Toddler, presumably instead answering the question of how she happened to get to the doctors’ surgery, announces: ‘Daddy! Daddy did it! Got a sticker!’ Oh dear. The Toddler got a sticker. Silly Daddy did not receive a sticker for hurting The Toddler’s neck. Which he also did not do. Can we start again?

5. On praise
The Toddler has developed a rather unusual method of delivering praise. She does not say ‘well done’. No. She says ‘undone’. ‘Undone, everyone!’ Give it a go next time you want to praise your colleagues in a work meeting: ‘Undone, everyone, undone. No, really, very undone!’

6. On that being nice
Silly Mummy tells The Toddler we will read some books upstairs. The Toddler nods: ‘That will be nice, won’t it?’ It has since become a favourite phrase. It is sometimes genuinely hard to tell if The Toddler is being very polite or quite sarcastic.

7. On Tommy Cooper, just like that
This week The Toddler has mostly been Tommy Cooper: ‘Mummy, I’m sitting here with my blanket. Just like that.’ We also have the variation of ‘just like this’, mostly used for bossiness towards The Baby: ‘What did The Baby do?’
‘She just fell over and now she’s a bit sad.’
‘Don’t do that, The Baby. Do like me. Just like this.’

8. On Sea Captain Mummy
While The Toddler has been Tommy Cooper, Silly Mummy has been ‘Sea Captain Mummy’. On one occasion, Silly Mummy misbehaved and was ‘naughty Sea Captain Mummy’.

9. On super lunch
It is 9:30 am. What is The Toddler doing? ‘I’m making super lunch.’ Out of coasters, no less. The Toddler snatches them away: they are not quite ready yet. ‘I need to put it in the fridge. Need to waiting for it to cool down first, please.’ Obviously Silly Mummy looks like the sort of person who would eat the coasters before they are ready.

10. On chocolate spread
The Toddler has been given chocolate spread on toast to try by Silly Daddy, who asks her, ‘Do you like it?’
The Toddler considers, ‘Yes…it’s a bit dirty.’

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me
Week 11: Right, What’s The Problem

Right, What’s The Problem: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

A little bit late this week (Silly Mummy’s fault, not The Toddler’s – it’s not that she forgot to say anything until Wednesday), it’s the Ten Funniest Things feature.

So, out of breath and a little flustered, Silly Mummy gives you The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, not allowed to comment
Silly Mummy is trying to talk to The Toddler. The Toddler is sick of Silly Mummy’s talking, and lets it be known: ‘Stop commenting!’

2. On paranoia
The Baby is babbling to herself. The Toddler goes over and sticks her face right in The Baby’s: ‘What you saying, The Baby? Are you talking about me, The Baby?’ Well, as they say, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean The Baby’s not talking about you.

3. On cheese, remembering it
Silly Mummy asks The Toddler if she would like some cheese with her lunch. The Toddler replies, ‘Oh, cheese. I remember cheese.’ Ah, yes, my old chum cheese. I remember him well. Fought together in the war, you know. Wonder what old cheese is up to now. Jolly good.

4. On Daddy, bathroom activity
Silly Daddy has made the mistake of spending too long in the bathroom (he’s brushing his teeth). The Toddler has noticed the suspiciously long absence: ‘Daddy might be doing stinky.’

5. On Bamboo? Bambi? Dumbo!
The Toddler has discovered a love of Dumbo, but she can’t remember his name. She is quite excited that her current nappies have elephants on them. During nappy changes she will demand, ‘What’s that?’
Silly Mummy will reply, ‘An elephant.’
The Toddler will giggle and declare, ‘Oh like Bamboo!’ Bamboo? Silly Mummy thinks she is mixing up Dumbo and Bambi. Though this is a little odd: she’s never seen Bambi.

6. On The Baby, offering comfort to
The Baby is crying about something. The Toddler declares that she will be administering cuddles. She crouches down next to The Baby, puts her arms round her, and says soothingly, ‘It’s okay. It doesn’t matter, The Baby.’

7. On counting, three
The Toddler has her numbers board and an important announcement: ‘I going to do countings numbers. Three. Three. Three.’ Apparently, there is a lot of three today. But, wait, what’s this?
‘That one’s not three!’ It’s not three? This is a surprise. What is it, The Toddler? ‘Is…’ The Toddler pauses to consider, Mary Poppins is singing about robins feathering their nests in the background, ‘…Birds, yes!’ Ah, the power of suggestion. Those birds: singing in the threes (sorry)!

8. On yoghurt, not very nice but hers
The Toddler has just finished eating toast for lunch. She says, ‘Yoghurt, please.’ Silly Mummy fetches a yoghurt. The Toddler looks at it: ‘It’s strawberry.’ It’s banana. The Toddler thinks all yoghurts are strawberry.
Silly Mummy says, ‘It’s banana.’
‘Oh nana.’ The Toddler starts eating.
‘It’s not very nice.’ She eats another mouthful.
‘It’s not very nice.’ Another mouthful.
‘It’s not very nice.’ Another mouthful.
‘It’s not very nice.’ The Toddler is giving mixed messages.
Silly Mummy asks, ‘Can I try it, if you don’t like it?’
‘No. It’s my yoghurt.’

9. On…this
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are walking along the road. The Toddler suddenly decides to be interested in lamp posts for the first time ever. She comes up against a slight hurdle in her desire to discuss her new find with Silly Mummy when, due to her previous complete disinterest in lamp posts, she realises she does not know what they’re called: ‘Look, Mummy! It’s a big, big…this!’

10. On the problem, what is it
Silly Mummy, on The Toddler’s orders, is searching for a missing toy. Due to the missing nature of the toy, locating the toy is proving rather difficult. The Toddler, however, would like to know what the hold up is: ‘Right then, what’s the problem?’

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

Guess What Film The Toddler Is Talking About

Guess What FilmThe Toddler has taken a sudden interest in watching films. She has not, however, taken an interest in what films are actually called. The Toddler has developed a couple of alternative methods for identifying the film she wants to watch. The first is to point at random unrelated pictures on the TV, or indeed at the blank TV screen, and shout, ‘Want to watch that one! No, not that one! No! Want to watch the one.’ This method does not have a high success rate. The other method is offering descriptions of what she considers to be salient points of the film.

Having used her film description skills to successfully get her chosen film played, The Toddler will engage in random audio commentary, describing the select parts of the film that actually interest her. Were anyone to attempt to rely upon The Toddler’s audio commentary to understand the film, they may find that it almost entirely fails to describe what is happening, and has a few gaps. Often of an hour or so. (The Toddler is very busy: she can’t spend all day watching films. Who else is going to make the imaginary tea around here?)

With these concerns about The Toddler’s commitment to accurate commentary in mind, Silly Mummy now invites you to join us in a little game we have just invented, called ‘guess what film The Toddler is talking about’. Silly Mummy will provide a list of The Toddler’s comments and descriptions relating to the film. The answer will be revealed at the end. No cheating.

1. ‘Want to watch climby roof, do dance, please!’

2. ‘Look! Make up! Doing make up!’

3. ‘Horses going that way. Come back later. Oh, look: Friend pick poo up now. Stinky poo.’ (For the avoidance of any confusion, Silly Mummy would like to make it clear that there is no poo, picked up or otherwise, in the film. Last weekend, during a walk in an area with horses, The Toddler’s friend (who we have imaginatively called ‘Friend’) picked up poo. Clearly, The Toddler now considers it inevitable that, if she can see horses (even on film), Friend will be nearby picking up poo.)

4. ‘You hello? Ohh doggy! Woof woof.’

5. ‘Um dee um dee eye! Um dee um dee eye!’ (Clue: this is accompanied by manic dancing.)

6. ‘Tea cup! Look, Mummy: have tea cup! Oh naughty, Mummy! Been naughty!’

7. ‘Ooh stairs! Climby! Climby roof! Dancing! Doing dancing now. Mummy, dance! Get up, Mummy! Mummy, get up now! Do dance! The Baby do dance! Step…time! Step…time! Knees!’ (The Toddler is marching around the living room. The Baby is showing support by bouncing and nodding her head.)

8. ‘Watch Chitty Bang now! Want watch Chitty Bang now! Not this one now.’

 
Yes, you have probably all worked out by now, from the practically verbatim script, that The Toddler is talking about Mary Poppins.

 
For anyone who has never seen Mary Poppins, a few points of clarification.
1. This is actually a reasonable description.
2. Mary looks in a mirror.
3. The carousel horses leave the carousel (no one picks up poo).
4. There is a fox hunt.
5. ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay.’
6. They all get stuck on the ceiling as a result of laughing too much (obviously), and have a tea party there. Mary is unimpressed: they are naughty.
7. They run about on the rooftops, climb smoke stairs, and dance with chimney sweeps: ‘Kick your knees up, step in time’.
8. It is not compulsory to start watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang part way through. It is rumoured that Mary Poppins does, in fact, have an ending. Silly Mummy can not confirm this, but you may want to investigate.

 
Seriously, though, did anyone actually work out the film?