Tagged Nanny McPhee

Toddler the Mummy Slayer*

(Sorry to anyone who never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer: this will make no sense, please do feel free to skip the post!)

 
 
Into every generation a mummy slayer is born: one toddler in all the world, a chosen one**. She alone will wield the really-quite-unusual-for-a-two-year-old-armed-only-with-a-plastic-broomstick strength, and tantrum throwing skill to fight the mummies, siblings, broccoli, coat that needs to go on because it is November and cold, films that are not Nanny McPhee, getting into the pushchair, getting dressed, not getting dressed, and the forces of nap time; to stop the spread of quiet time and the swell of common sense. She is the mummy slayer.

*’Into every generation a slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the slayer.’ (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

**Actually, there are quite a lot of them. Toddler slayers are Buffy season 7 slayers: chosen ones everywhere. Mostly quite irritating. There’s that one you quite like (yours in the case of toddlers, that one who went to school with Dawn in the case of Buffy), but you secretly kind of hope Spike will slap the others (Buffy only, of course: no one wants a vampire with a terrifying British accent to slap toddlers, we’re not sadists).

Bravo: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time again, and Silly Mummy gives you the only witch in the village (The Toddler):

1. On praise, bravo
The Toddler has ‘lost’ a DVD (in other words, The Toddler and The Baby have been playing with a DVD and now it’s been dropped behind the sofa). Silly Mummy fishes it out. The Toddler is quite impressed: ‘You found it! Bravo! I’m very pleased with you, Mum!’

2. On dinner, not good
Silly Mummy is making dinner. The Toddler asks what it is, and Silly Mummy tells her. The Toddler responds: ‘Yuck!’
Silly Mummy informs her: ‘That’s a bit rude!’
The Toddler twists the knife in the back of Silly Mummy’s cooking: ‘No, it’s just not good.’

3. On Auntie, AKA ‘the other one’
The Toddler is meeting her new baby cousin (‘Cousin’). Silly Mummy is holding Cousin. Cousin’s mummy (‘Auntie’) is upstairs. The Toddler stands next to Silly Mummy and Cousin: ‘Where’s baby Cousin?’
This seems an odd question, but Silly Mummy answers: ‘Just here.’
The Toddler repeats: ‘Where’s baby Cousin?’
Silly Mummy is very confused now: ‘Here!’
The Toddler shakes her head: ‘No, where’s the other one? Think she’s upstairs?’ The other one? That would be The Toddler’s loving Auntie, then. It’s nice that The Toddler likes her new cousin, but she does seem to have instantly forgotten who Auntie is to make room for him.

4. On babies, not talking down to them
As for Cousin himself, well, The Toddler does not consider his being one week old any bar to their chances of making polite chitchat: ‘How is it going, Cousin? How are you doing, Cousin?’

5. On sword fighting
Silly Mummy is trying to do Peter Pan with The Toddler. Silly Mummy waves an imaginary sword and declares: ‘I’ll fight you with one hand behind my back! Walk the plank!’ The Toddler has a zero tolerance policy towards imaginary sword fighters. She grabs Silly Mummy’s imaginary sword with her bare hands and imaginary flings it: ‘I throw it away!’ Peter Pan never had this sort of trouble: Captain Hook knew the rules.

6. On investigating
The Toddler is off to play with some toys. She is trying to make this sound a more serious and complex endeavour than it is: ‘I have to go and investigate again.’

7. On being a witch, minimum dress requirements
The Toddler has piled all the sofa cushions on and around Silly Daddy. She announces: ‘I built a house.’
Silly Mummy wonders if this makes Silly Daddy the Wicked Witch of the East. Silly Mummy asks: ‘Is Daddy the wicked witch? Did a house fall on him?’
The Toddler immediately decides that Silly Daddy is trying to steal her witchy limelight: ‘I’m a witch!’ Unfortunately, it turns out that The Toddler was not expecting a challenge to her witch title at this time, and she is not properly dressed to defend her position: ‘I’m not a witch yet…I get my hat!’

8. On returning to her seat
The Toddler has been stroking Grandad’s dog and is now returning to her seat. However, this is such a dull way of putting it. The Toddler feels that her return to her chair warrants a much more enigmatic description: ‘I must go back to the beginning.’

9. On Granny, probably not in the curtains
The Toddler is searching for Granny. In the living room. While Granny is in the kitchen. ‘Where’s Granny? She must be somewhere.’ Very philosophical. The Toddler looks behind the curtains. Very reasonable – just because Granny has never lurked behind curtains up to this point, does not mean that she isn’t there now. She isn’t, however: ‘She’s not there. I think she might be cooking. Don’t think she’s in the curtains.* Can I go and find she?’

(*The Toddler is not one to definitively conclude that someone is not in the curtains based on nothing more than the fact that they are not in the curtains. She’s very open minded that way.)

 
10. On her favourite scary movie
The Toddler is rooting through the DVDs again, largely because she knows she is not meant to touch them. Mostly, she turns up with Nanny McPhee. This time she is waving Let the Right One In: ‘Can I watch this?’
Silly Mummy takes it away: ‘No, sweetheart, that one’s scary. You wouldn’t want to watch that. It’s for grown ups.’
The Toddler wants more information: ‘What is it?’
‘It’s about vampires. It’s scary.’
The Toddler nods wisely, and starts framing Silly Daddy for crimes he did not commit: ‘Oh yes, it is wampires. I did watch that last time with Daddy. Daddy did put it on. It was scary. I didn’t like it.’ Well, quite. Wampires are not to be taken lightly: they’re even worse than vampires.

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 19: Clock
Week 20: You’re a Good Winner
Week 24: My Goodness

Toddler of all Trades

The Toddler has many jobs. She is a Jack of all trades. It would be mean to say a master of none, but she wears her stethoscope around her waist – you can draw your own conclusions.

Some of The Toddler’s numerous professions have been documented before. She has been a Planning Officer. (All constructions erected without The Toddler’s express prior approval are issued with an immediate cease and desist (‘you mustn’t do that, you naughty crocodile’) order, before being summarily demolished. With a plastic knife.) Then there was The Toddler’s secretive, unspecified work with computers/Toot Toot safari tracks. Doctor Toddler has, of course, made a number of appearances (once as a hairdresser). When the ‘childrens’ need her, Toddler Poppins makes an appearance as a nanny (with broomstick/umbrella and doctor’s kit/carpet bag). And we cannot forget The Toddler’s brief stint as a despot.

However, The Toddler has further feathers to her bow. Here are just a few.

Mr Maker/Tony Hart/Blue Peter
The Toddler is playing with play doh. Silly Mummy has been showing her how to make snails. The Toddler has one snail Silly Mummy made and one snail she made. It is time for a rather odd tutorial. Very authoritatively, The Toddler announces: ‘Now, what we’re going to do is squish them. Like this.’ Of course we are. The Toddler now has two play doh snails joined together in the middle. Basically, she has conjoined play doh snail twins. To Silly Mummy’s disappointment, she does not proceed to take out conjoined play doh snail twins she made earlier and attach them to a fairy liquid bottle with double sided tape. She does, however, offer her encouragement to her Silly audience (who have not actually participated in the activity, due to not having any play doh snails because The Toddler has them all). Nonetheless, The Toddler wants Silly Mummy to believe in her ability to not make conjoined play doh snail twins. She enthusiastically informs Silly Mummy: ‘You did very well.’

Suffragette
The Toddler is an enthusiastic member of the Suffragette movement, thanks to Mary Poppins. Sister Suffragette is her current favourite song. The Toddler marches purposefully; laments that men, as a group, are rather stupid; and takes heart that Mrs Pankhurst has been clapped in irons again. The Toddler likes to sing her Suffragette song as her bedtime lullaby. She likes to affirm that she is not a meek and mild subservient, and will be fighting for her rights militantly from the comfort of her bed. Silly Mummy does not like to tell The Toddler that women gained suffrage some time ago. Still, perhaps The Toddler is fighting for votes for toddlers, who are, after all, a woefully neglected political resource.

Engineer
The Toddler has a musical book of Row Your Boat. The music button is starting to play up and often does not work. It is broken again. The Toddler grabs her broomstick: ‘I’m using broomstick to fix book!’ Just as Silly Mummy starts to explain that this will not work, The Toddler whacks the button with the handle of her broomstick and the book obediently starts playing its song. Silly Mummy stands corrected. Isambard Toddler Brunel knows exactly what she is doing.

Warlord
The Toddler is watching Nanny McPhee and The Big Bang. When the boys go to the War Office, The Toddler asks, ‘Where are they?’ Upon Silly Mummy explaining about the War Office, The Toddler nods wisely: ‘I want to do a war. I can do a war.’

Doctor (again)
After briefly changing career to be a hairdresser, Doctor Toddler has decided to give medicine another go. She seems to have had extra training, and has honed her diagnostic skills. She approaches Silly Mummy with her stethoscope: ‘Take a deep breath.’ The Toddler listens to Silly Mummy’s chest. Sometimes Toddler Doctors have to deliver upsetting news. The Toddler does not like to sugar coat it: ‘Hmm, think it’s a bit boring.’ Fortunately, there is a cure. The Toddler brings her syringe: ‘Make it better.’ Having removed the boring infection with a syringe, The Toddler decides she had better check it has not spread: ‘Can I check your ear?’ Inevitably, Doctor Toddler is now waving a reflex hammer. She takes hold of Silly Mummy’s leg, and asks, ‘Where’s your leg? I can’t see it!’ Silly Mummy decides she is going to have to ask to see The Toddler’s medical qualifications. Having located the elusive leg, The Toddler notices Silly Mummy has a bruise: ‘Oh no, bit bang.’ The Toddler whacks the bruise with the hammer: ‘Is that ok? Now, where’s temperature?’ Silly Mummy is really going to have to insist on seeing those qualifications. It should be noted that Doctor Toddler, in compliance with best practice, wears her stethoscope around her waist at all times.

Chef
Chef Toddler is playing with the remnants of her dinner. Like all good chefs, she knows that with a bit of attitude you can (over)charge diners for anything. She turns to Silly Daddy, points at her leftovers, and confidently declares, ‘That’s £5 for you.’ Of course, Silly Daddy is paying for Chef Toddler’s expertise and finesse in preparing her leftover mush: ‘I’ll just mix it round. Is that all right for you?’ The Toddler feels she has nailed being a gourmet chef. She has got the requisite temper tantrums down to a fine art, too.

You Know The Rules: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things feature, this week guest starring Michael the Dinosaur.

Michael would like the present The Toddler:

1. On dinosaurs, ridiculously named
The Toddler has a placemat with dinosaurs on it. Usually she puts her bowl on the placemat, eats her meals, and no more is said. However, The Toddler feels it is about time she had a bit more interaction with her placemat. She picks it up and addresses one of the dinosaurs: ‘Want a drink, Michael?’ (Michael?! Michael the Dinosaur?!) The Toddler proceeds to answer on behalf of Michael (Michael!) the Dinosaur: ‘Yes, thank you.’ Michael would like some water. He would also like everyone to stop calling him Michael. It’s ruining his street cred.*

(*Remember the velociraptor terrorising the people in the kitchen in Jurassic Park? Imagine if he’d been called Michael. Michael the Velociraptor would have been laughed out of that kitchen. Phil, the infamous Dinosaur Supervisor, might have got to keep his job.)

 
2. On drawings of faces, showing appropriate concern for them
The Toddler has been practising drawing. And empathising. She likes to draw (with help, of course) faces with different expressions. And then empathise with them, apparently. Silly Mummy says, ‘Shall we draw a sad face?’ Silly Mummy helps The Toddler to draw a sad face. The Toddler studies it with a concerned expression: ‘Oh no, that poor boy!’

3. On birthdays, not sharing
The Toddler has been informed that it is Granny’s birthday. This makes her a little irate. She has just realised that it is, in fact, her birthday too (it is not). She is rather indignant at the cheek of Granny, who apparently expects to share The Toddler’s not birthday: ‘No, it’s my birthday! Granny go away!* That’s a bad thing to do!’ There you have it: the brass neck of some people, swanning around, having birthdays like it’s a perfectly acceptable way to behave!

(*It should be noted that Granny is not even present. The Toddler has simply been told in passing that, somewhere out there, Granny is having her birthday. The Toddler is not one to overreact.)

 
4. On salmon, he’s in the car
The Toddler is eating salmon. Silly Mummy says, ‘Salmon’s nice, isn’t it?’
The Toddler quite agrees: ‘Yes, salmon’s in the car, isn’t he?’ Um…The Toddler may have confused the fish salmon with the name Simon. As you do.

5. On herself, needing discipline
The Toddler may be naughty, but at least she is self aware. She announces: ‘Yes, I do need Nanny McPhee.’

6. On raisins, imaginary chocolate
The Toddler has finally taken imaginary play to its logical conclusion – believing her food is covered in chocolate when it is not. Silly Mummy has given The Toddler a tub with some normal raisins in it. For some reason (it’s called optimism), The Toddler is convinced the raisins are chocolate raisins. She peers into the tub: ‘It’s got choccy raisins in it. I like choccy raisins.’ Silly Mummy expects an upset when The Toddler realises there are no chocolate raisins. Instead, The Toddler points at the raisins. She has apparently managed to locate the non-existent chocolate raisins: ‘There’s choccy raisins!’ She happily eats them.

7. On songs, not learning new ones
Grandma is making the mistake of trying to teach The Toddler a new song. The Toddler does not believe in new songs. Songs are only songs if The Toddler knows them. It’s a mystery how The Toddler learnt any songs at all. She is not learning this one. She is shouting over Grandma’s stubborn singing: ‘I can’t sing that one! I don’t know that one! No, Grandma, that’s not fair!’

8. On nannying
The Toddler is holding her broomstick up over her head and carrying her doctor’s kit. She marches through the living room, declaring, ‘I’m going to see the childrens.’ Yes, she’s impersonating Mary Poppins, with a broomstick as an umbrella and a doctor’s kit in place of the carpet bag. Now, who would like to leave their ‘childrens’ in the competent and responsible hands of Toddler Poppins?

9. On knowing the rules
The Toddler is trying to hit the cat with a broomstick, and has been told off. She understands the situation and the need for swift disciplinary measures. Yes indeed: Silly Mummy is being very badly behaved and must be stopped. The Toddler acts promptly, informing Silly Mummy: ‘You know the rules!* Go on naughty step! That’s naughty from you!’

(*Apparently, there is a rule that Silly Mummy is not to tell The Toddler to stop trying to hit the cat with a broomstick. Silly Daddy must have approved that rule.)

 
10. On pandas, wearing them
The Toddler has a couple of items of clothing with pandas on them, which she loves (and is keen to ensure no one tries to steal). However, it appears that she may have become confused as to what pandas actually are. It seems she may believe they themselves are some kind of clothing. Silly Mummy is looking at pictures of the new baby pandas born in China. The Toddler wanders over and peers at the pictures: ‘Oh pandas! Can I put them on?’ No wonder pandas are endangered. Their food has little nutrition, they don’t mate, toddlers are wearing them…

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 19: Clock
Week 21: Woof