It’s Ten Funniest Things feature time again, and Silly Mummy would like to introduce her good friend* The Toddler.
(*See number 3.)
Here she is:
1. On Silly Mummy, positive reinforcement
Silly Mummy is busy putting some things away. The Toddler decides this sort of behaviour is to be encouraged. She decides to offer Silly Mummy some positive reinforcement: ‘Are you helping, Mummy? Oh good girl, Mummy!’
2. On The Baby, whether she’s okay
The Baby is in the cot in the nursery. Silly Mummy and The Toddler are in Silly Mummy’s bedroom. The Toddler declares, ‘Me look that The Baby okay.’ Off she wanders to the nursery, where she can be heard asking, ‘Are you okay, The Baby? Are you okay? The Baby, are you okay?’ Silly Mummy thinks The Toddler’s plan is to keep asking until The Baby can speak. Or learns to hammer out ‘yes, I’m okay, stop bloody asking’ in Morse Code on the cot bars.
3. On herself and Silly Mummy, good friends
The Toddler climbs up on the sofa next to Silly Mummy. She puts her arm around Silly Mummy, and announces, ‘Good friends.’
4. On the time, not being too early
Silly Mummy tells The Toddler it’s bath time. The Toddler says, ‘Do din din first.’ Silly Mummy explains that it is a bit too early for dinner. The Toddler is insistent: ‘No, have din din now.’
‘No, it’s a bit too early for dinner at the moment.’
‘No, not too early!’
‘It is. What time do you think it is?’
‘Um…later!’ Ah, an irrefutable argument: it’s not too early, it’s later.
5. On The Baby, administering discipline to
The Baby has been showing The Toddler affection in her usual manner: through the loving connection of little hand and hair (yes, pulling The Toddler’s hair). The Toddler is not happy. Silly Mummy reminds The Toddler that The Baby thinks she is playing, and doesn’t know that it hurts. Silly Mummy tells The Toddler that we say, ‘No, The Baby, don’t do that, please. That hurts.’ The Toddler marches back to The Baby. She says, ‘The Baby, say sorry! Say sorry, The Baby! Say sorry now!’ The Baby does not say sorry. Silly Mummy can see The Toddler gearing up to try and put The Baby on the naughty step. Silly Mummy explains to The Toddler that The Baby is too young to say sorry. Silly Mummy reiterates that we tell her, ‘No, don’t do that.’ The Toddler is impatient. She is well aware of how to handle these so-called babies, without Silly Mummy wittering on: ‘Shh, Mummy!’ She heads back to The Baby. The Baby has forgotten all about the previous events, and is babbling happily to herself. The Toddler addresses her: ‘The Baby, shh! No, don’t do it, The Baby! Don’t do it! Now go away! Go away now!’ Of course, by this point, The Baby has no idea what she is supposed to not do. However, The Toddler is amusing her, so she giggles and decides to not go away.
6. On Only Fools and Horses, upcoming appearance in
Silly Daddy has been changing The Toddler’s nappy. The Toddler’s verdict? ‘Perfick’. She says ‘perfick’ and calls everyone Dave: Silly Mummy expects the announcement of The Toddler’s debut appearance in Only Fools and Horses any day now.
7. On hide and seek
The Toddler has been refining her hide and seek technique. There are still some areas requiring work. She doesn’t, for example, consider it necessary to inform the other player that they should hide, or indeed that they are involved in a game of hide and seek. Furthermore, when The Toddler hides, she likes to find herself. She likes to ensure she has done this before the seeker reaches number one in their count. However, The Toddler has perfected her version of ‘coming, ready or not’: ‘Come get you, here me come!’
8. On herself, accepting responsibility
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are coming downstairs. The Toddler stumbles slightly. She says, ‘Sorry, Mummy: that’s my fault.’ How awfully polite. She would be rubbish in Lassie, though: ‘I seem to have fallen down a well. I do apologise. Don’t concern yourself: it was my bad.’
9. On Mummy, fixing it
The Baby has ripped a book. Silly Mummy gets the sellotape out and sets about completing the necessary repairs. The Toddler has some words of reassurance: ‘Don’t worry, Mummy: Mummy will fix it!’
10. On helping Mummy to fix it
As Mummy battles on to save the stricken book, all the while fending off the advances of a rabid baby, intent on taking further bites out of the casualty, The Toddler is offering further assistance: ‘Me help!’
Silly Mummy decides The Toddler can help: ‘Can you take The Baby away to play, please?’
The Toddler walks off: ‘No, not doing.’ Thank god you were here, The Toddler!
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me