Tagged Pandas

You Know The Rules: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things feature, this week guest starring Michael the Dinosaur.

Michael would like the present The Toddler:

1. On dinosaurs, ridiculously named
The Toddler has a placemat with dinosaurs on it. Usually she puts her bowl on the placemat, eats her meals, and no more is said. However, The Toddler feels it is about time she had a bit more interaction with her placemat. She picks it up and addresses one of the dinosaurs: ‘Want a drink, Michael?’ (Michael?! Michael the Dinosaur?!) The Toddler proceeds to answer on behalf of Michael (Michael!) the Dinosaur: ‘Yes, thank you.’ Michael would like some water. He would also like everyone to stop calling him Michael. It’s ruining his street cred.*

(*Remember the velociraptor terrorising the people in the kitchen in Jurassic Park? Imagine if he’d been called Michael. Michael the Velociraptor would have been laughed out of that kitchen. Phil, the infamous Dinosaur Supervisor, might have got to keep his job.)

 
2. On drawings of faces, showing appropriate concern for them
The Toddler has been practising drawing. And empathising. She likes to draw (with help, of course) faces with different expressions. And then empathise with them, apparently. Silly Mummy says, ‘Shall we draw a sad face?’ Silly Mummy helps The Toddler to draw a sad face. The Toddler studies it with a concerned expression: ‘Oh no, that poor boy!’

3. On birthdays, not sharing
The Toddler has been informed that it is Granny’s birthday. This makes her a little irate. She has just realised that it is, in fact, her birthday too (it is not). She is rather indignant at the cheek of Granny, who apparently expects to share The Toddler’s not birthday: ‘No, it’s my birthday! Granny go away!* That’s a bad thing to do!’ There you have it: the brass neck of some people, swanning around, having birthdays like it’s a perfectly acceptable way to behave!

(*It should be noted that Granny is not even present. The Toddler has simply been told in passing that, somewhere out there, Granny is having her birthday. The Toddler is not one to overreact.)

 
4. On salmon, he’s in the car
The Toddler is eating salmon. Silly Mummy says, ‘Salmon’s nice, isn’t it?’
The Toddler quite agrees: ‘Yes, salmon’s in the car, isn’t he?’ Um…The Toddler may have confused the fish salmon with the name Simon. As you do.

5. On herself, needing discipline
The Toddler may be naughty, but at least she is self aware. She announces: ‘Yes, I do need Nanny McPhee.’

6. On raisins, imaginary chocolate
The Toddler has finally taken imaginary play to its logical conclusion – believing her food is covered in chocolate when it is not. Silly Mummy has given The Toddler a tub with some normal raisins in it. For some reason (it’s called optimism), The Toddler is convinced the raisins are chocolate raisins. She peers into the tub: ‘It’s got choccy raisins in it. I like choccy raisins.’ Silly Mummy expects an upset when The Toddler realises there are no chocolate raisins. Instead, The Toddler points at the raisins. She has apparently managed to locate the non-existent chocolate raisins: ‘There’s choccy raisins!’ She happily eats them.

7. On songs, not learning new ones
Grandma is making the mistake of trying to teach The Toddler a new song. The Toddler does not believe in new songs. Songs are only songs if The Toddler knows them. It’s a mystery how The Toddler learnt any songs at all. She is not learning this one. She is shouting over Grandma’s stubborn singing: ‘I can’t sing that one! I don’t know that one! No, Grandma, that’s not fair!’

8. On nannying
The Toddler is holding her broomstick up over her head and carrying her doctor’s kit. She marches through the living room, declaring, ‘I’m going to see the childrens.’ Yes, she’s impersonating Mary Poppins, with a broomstick as an umbrella and a doctor’s kit in place of the carpet bag. Now, who would like to leave their ‘childrens’ in the competent and responsible hands of Toddler Poppins?

9. On knowing the rules
The Toddler is trying to hit the cat with a broomstick, and has been told off. She understands the situation and the need for swift disciplinary measures. Yes indeed: Silly Mummy is being very badly behaved and must be stopped. The Toddler acts promptly, informing Silly Mummy: ‘You know the rules!* Go on naughty step! That’s naughty from you!’

(*Apparently, there is a rule that Silly Mummy is not to tell The Toddler to stop trying to hit the cat with a broomstick. Silly Daddy must have approved that rule.)

 
10. On pandas, wearing them
The Toddler has a couple of items of clothing with pandas on them, which she loves (and is keen to ensure no one tries to steal). However, it appears that she may have become confused as to what pandas actually are. It seems she may believe they themselves are some kind of clothing. Silly Mummy is looking at pictures of the new baby pandas born in China. The Toddler wanders over and peers at the pictures: ‘Oh pandas! Can I put them on?’ No wonder pandas are endangered. Their food has little nutrition, they don’t mate, toddlers are wearing them…

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 19: Clock
Week 21: Woof

Calm Down: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

PandaRoll up, roll up!* It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature.

(*When you reach number 10, you are going to be really impressed with the tie in. Well, maybe not really impressed. Mildly impressed. Mildly might still be overstating it. You’re going to think, ‘Oh. Yeah.’)

Silly Mummy gives you The Toddler:

1. On safety
The Toddler and The Baby are playing. The Toddler has decided to ensure that all the appropriate regulations are being followed. She makes The Baby aware of the priorities: ‘Safety first, The Baby.’ The Baby looks at her soft, squishy ball in confusion, and flings it in a safety conscious manner at The Toddler’s head.

2. On baby pandas, not cute
Silly Mummy is showing The Toddler a video of a baby panda playing with a ball. The Toddler is amused. The baby panda is very cute. He loves his ball. It’s all very cute. Doesn’t everyone find baby pandas cute? Silly Mummy says to The Toddler, ‘Is he cute?’
‘No, not cute.’ Okay, not everyone.

3. On Mummy’s hair
The Toddler is stroking Mummy’s hair: ‘This nice. Like it…Cut it off now?’ Well, that escalated quickly.

4. On herself, thinking…maybe
The Toddler has climbed onto Silly Mummy’s bed. Silly Mummy says, ‘What are you doing up there?’
The Toddler knows the answer to this, thus she is able to provide an assured and decisive response: ‘I’m thinking…No…Yes. Am thinking. Doing thinking now.’ Nothing like having to think about whether you’re thinking.

5. On Grandma, writing it
The Toddler is looking at a book of nursery rhymes. She is pointing at part of the inscription Grandma wrote for her inside the front cover: ‘What’s that say?’
Silly Mummy tells her, ‘That’s the date when Grandma wrote it.’
The Toddler is astounded: ‘Grandma wrote it? Grandma WROTE IT??’ The Toddler is either really impressed by anyone being able to write, or she now thinks Grandma wrote the whole book.

6. On Mummy, not saying that
The Toddler marches over to Silly Mummy with her hand extended, and demands, ‘Do nice to meet you.’
Silly Mummy holds out her own hand, and obediently says, ‘Nice to meet you.’
‘No, don’t say that, Mummy.’

7. On Daddy, being naughty
Silly Daddy has said something to The Toddler that she doesn’t like. She is now looking mutinous and muttering away under her breath: ‘Daddy, go away. Go away, being naughty.’

8. On calming down
The Toddler is lying on the bathmat after her bath. She suddenly says, ‘Calm down.’ Then: ‘Calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, CALM DOWN!’ She is panting, giggling and rolling around. Silly Mummy doesn’t think The Toddler quite grasps the concept of calming down. Based on a comparison of The Toddler’s demeanour before and after calming herself down, Silly Mummy concludes that The Toddler has confused ‘calm’ and ‘rabid’.

9. On catch 22
The Toddler is getting up. Silly Mummy therefore inexplicably suggests getting dressed: ‘Let’s get The Toddler into some clothes.’
‘No, Mummy, stop being naughty! Am doing something! Am doing naughty!’ Well, quite. The Toddler cannot get dressed because she is busy. She is doing something. The something she is doing is being naughty. Why is she being naughty? Because she won’t get dressed. It’s toddler catch 22. Toddler catch 22 is very like any catch 22, but louder and more hysterical.

10. On the circus, flashbacks to
The Toddler is eating her dinner. She suddenly stops. She stares into the distance. She announces, ‘Went circus…With Grandma…And Daddy…Went clap, clap.’ She claps her hands. The Toddler returns to her dinner. The Toddler did go to the circus. With Grandma and Daddy. It was about a month ago. The Toddler is having circus flashbacks. You weren’t there, man! You don’t know!

(The Baby is funny too
The Baby is on a mission. She pulls herself up on her little lion walker, and marches over to Silly Mummy at quite a pace. The Baby looks at Silly Mummy, she bangs her little hand down on the handle of her walker for emphasis, and declares, ‘A raah rah! A raah rah! A yeah yeah yeah!’ Having made that quite clear, she nods with satisfaction, and marches off again.)

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me