Tagged parenting humour

Humpty Dumpty Is Dead. Everybody’s Dead

It has come to my attention that many nursery rhymes seem to have a common – somewhat disturbing – theme, but they’re trying to be subtle about it. So I’ve fixed that for them.

 
 
 
Rock-a-bye Baby

Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
And down will come baby, dead and all

 
Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and died
And Jill came tumbling after…and also died

 
Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again
Humpty was dead

 
It’s Raining, It’s Pouring

It’s raining, it’s pouring
The old man is snoring
He went to bed and bumped his head
And couldn’t get up in the morning
Because he was dead…like Humpty

 
Old Mother Hubbard

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
And so the poor doggie had none
And died

 
Ring-a-ring O’ Roses

Ring-a-ring o’ roses
A pocket full of posies
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down dead

 
Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater

Peter Peter pumpkin-eater
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her
He murderered her and put her body in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well…until his arrest

 
 
Thank god for The Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly and Oranges and Lemons, which are at least blatant about the dead, they’re all dead aspect.

The Hunger Games

In the dystopian, post-apocalyptic nation of ‘Tesco’, Mumniss Evertired is chosen to compete in the Hunger Games. Participants (‘Tributes’) in the Games are selected from the ranks of parents who forgot to put in the online food shop order, and now have nothing in for tea. They must fight to the death to obtain the supermarket shop with toddlers in tow. The winning Tribute is rewarded by leaving the shop with actual food and the same number of children they entered with. The purpose of the Hunger Games is to provide entertainment for childless shoppers, and to punish parents for failing to conform to the system of the online shop.

At the start of the Games, Mumniss is introduced to her mentor, a past victor of the Games, and now a grandmother. The elderly mentor offers advice and guidance to Mumniss: ‘You’ve got your hands full!’ Tributes recognise the importance of collecting free fruit at the start of the Games, to provide as gifts to placate the toddlers as the Games progress. The toddlers must not leave the shopping trolley at any point. Certain doom awaits any Tribute whose toddlers succeed in escaping the confines of the trolleys.

As the Games begin, many Tributes do not survive the first aisle. Their toddlers declare that they now hate apples, oranges and bananas, and throw themselves on the floor, refusing to proceed unless they are allowed to eat cheesecake in the trolley instead. With these weakest Tributes dying of shame, Mumniss, and the other Tributes who succeeded in this first challenge of pleasing the toddlers with offers of free apples, proceed into the dangerous territory of the ‘chilly, too cold, don’t like it, I’M COOOOOLLD’ aisles. Mumniss successfully navigates this treacherous terrain by employing the dual strategies of bribing the toddlers with promises of toys, and declaring the entire family to now be vegans, thus allowing virtually the whole chilled foods section to be skipped.

Mumniss makes a near fatal strategic error in moving too swiftly to the bribery portion of the Games, providing the toddlers with toys and treats with well over half the contest still remaining. Mumniss faces disaster in the lentils and pulses aisle (vegans now), when it becomes apparent there is nowhere left to go in the bribery stakes but to offer the toddlers a car in exchange for their compliance. Mumniss realises that survival in the Hunger Games requires backstabbing ruthlessness. Promise whatever you have to, with no intention of keeping that promise.

Tributes form alliances with each other, but these are treacherous and short lived. It is each mum for herself. Tributes quickly realise that a major meltdown from another Tribute’s toddlers can stun your own into much needed submission. There are gains to be made from selling out your fellow contestants and encouraging tantrums amongst their offspring. By this stage, all the Tributes are battle hardened. They step over the bodies of their fallen comrades in the crisps aisle.

The most dangerous time is yet to come for Mumniss. She must navigate the sweets and chocolate aisle. Here Mumniss goes rogue. She makes a controversial decision to take the path of least resistance, and throws packets of sweets and chocolate (not THAT vegan) at the surprised toddlers before they can even begin to organise a sustained attack of whining. It’s a calculated risk. The move will be unpopular with the Heads of the Games. Tributes are supposed to maintain an organic, superfoods trolley throughout. Mumniss just wants to reach the tills.

The tills are in sight and Mumniss has almost made it. Only one other Tribute remains. As they race to the checkout, the cruel and callous Game Heads have one last trick. They release wild toddlers into the shop. As the feral infants tear through the aisles, grabbing items from the shelves with abandon, Mumniss desperately tries to prevent her own toddlers from joining them. She sees her last chance and seizes it: ‘If you just sit down and be quiet, you can go on Gaston the Ladybird when we’ve got through the checkout!’ Mumniss holds her breath. There is silence. First one toddler, then the other, sits down. The other Tribute has failed. He is knocked to his knees as his own children race to join the wild beasts in the magazine aisle. Mumniss throws her shopping onto the conveyor belt.

Mumniss is crowned the winner of the 3824518954th Hunger Games. She can return to her now vegan home. But the Games continue. There are always parents who forgot to do the online shop.

May the odds be ever in your favour.

 
 
 
 

This Mum's Life

 
 
 
 

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

The Toddler Vote

You may have heard that the youth vote has become a big issue in British politics, after Corbyn effectively harnessed the youth vote for Labour in the recent election. However, Labour do not have the support of all of the country’s youth. Oh no, the toddler vote is firmly with May and her Tories. The Tories may not be the natural party of government, as they have always claimed, but they are certainly the natural party of toddlers.

 
Hard Brexit

Mrs May’s Brexit strategy is every toddler who has ever stood on the back of the sofa with an ambitious plan to jump onto the coffee table. It’s not going to work, it has not been thought out, someone is going to get hurt. Sane adults are standing on the sideline yelling ‘Do not do that! Don’t you dare do that! You have been warned! No one gave you permission to do that! This is the stupidest thing you have ever done!’ Meanwhile, the toddler is screaming back ‘I don’t care! I’ve committed now! I might die, but dying is better than climbing off this sofa in an organised and measured manner!’ In short, toddlers approve of Mrs May’s Brexit strategy, because it is exactly what they would do. Of course, a toddler’s still developing brain means that they lack appropriate reasoning abilities. But we won’t let that undermine our opinion of Mrs May’s intellect.

 
The NHS

Toddler health services tend to involve an overworked staff (usually moonlighting in several other jobs including, but not limited to, builder, knight, hairdresser and astronaut), being paid in raisins, working with limited (often imaginary) supplies, in an entirely unregulated manner. Toddlers are perfectly willing to sell off their health service, such as it is, to the person offering them the most cheese. This essentially appears to be Mrs May’s exact plan for the NHS.

 
U-turns

Toddlers love a good u-turn. In fact, prior to Mrs May’s decision that she was actually going to hold the snap General Election that she definitely wasn’t going to hold, the record for fastest and most extreme u-turn had been held by Amelia, aged 2, from Wolverhampton. Amelia had made it into the record books after realising how much she hates jam in the time it took to spread it on the toast following her request for jam on toast, a request which she hadn’t expected anyone to remember, and which she didn’t feel particularly contradicted her current hating jam position.

 
Ridiculous Appointments to Positions of Power

Yes, Mrs May appears to be presiding over the most incompetent government of all time, and who in their right minds would appoint Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary?? Nonetheless, toddlers are not particularly concerned. Mrs May’s cabinet kind of makes sense to the sort of people who appoint baby siblings as knights, tasked with rescuing a plastic leek being held prisoner by the mantlepiece, only to fire the confused baby knight in favour of sending the goldfish on the quest instead. Plus none of them have queried a pig, who refers to himself as ‘daddy’ in a professional capacity, going to work in a job that appears to be the drawing of triangles. They were never really going to notice anything off about Boris, were they?

 
Privacy

Mrs May doesn’t really like the right to privacy (or any other human rights). She wants to spy on everyone and monitor the internet. She remains less draconian than toddlers, however, who consider that even toilet trips must be monitored.

 
Police Cuts

Unpopular with many voters, toddlers actually fully support Mrs May’s cuts to the police force. Cuts to the police mean less available officers to handle all those requests being made by parents for officers to be sent to deal with bedtime infractions being committed by suspects described as ‘naughty toddlers’. In fact, the toddlers have noticed that there often aren’t even sufficient police staff available to actually speak to when parents call the ‘Naughty Toddler Police’. It frequently appears that the parents are speaking to themselves. The toddlers believe they have Mrs May to thank for that.

 
Social Conscience/Morality

Toddlers are actually okay with the idea of taking things away from people who need them and not even being sorry. That’s what toddlers do on Tuesdays.

 
DUP Deal

The toddlers are less horrified by Mrs May’s deal with the DUP than most. They are unfazed by the bribery aspect. They operate almost exclusively on a system of bribes themselves, and most have been able to ensure their demands for 1.5 billion animal biscuits in exchange for a confidence and supply agreement* with parents for supermarket trips are met. Nor do they consider Mrs May’s choice of ‘friends’ particularly shocking or strange. Why, their own friends are also prone to supporting violence, believing in far-fetched nonsense, having little concept of the age of anything, and holding some odd views about dinosaurs.

(*I.e. an agreement whereby parents can be confident of being able to obtain supplies from at least two aisles of the supermarket before tantrums/escapes occur.)

 
 
It should be noted that, prior to the election, the Labour Party was also enjoying significant success amongst toddler voters. The party’s policy of fighting amongst themselves for no apparent reason was extremely popular with toddlers. However, since reducing the extent to which they behave like, well, toddlers, the Parliamentary Labour Party has rather fallen from grace with the pre-school demographic.

A Toddler’s Guide to the Human Rights Act

As Theresa May once again threatens to abolish the Human Rights Act, a toddler could be forgiven for asking ‘What has the Human Rights Act ever done for me?’

So here is the essential guide to what the HRA means for toddlers.

 
 
The right to life

This means you can throw yourself down the stairs/attempt to ride an escalator head first/try to lick the cat, and Mummy must do everything possible to prevent you from dying. Your life is protected – test that theory by risking it as much as possible.

 
The prohibition of torture and inhuman treatment

This means Mummy is not allowed to waterboard you. Even if she’s claiming it’s called a ‘bath’, and is a necessary consequence of muddy puddle jumping. Bedtime, biscuit withholding, and refusal to allow Frozen to be watched more than once in one day, are also torture and inhuman treatment, and you should not stand for them.

 
Protection against slavery and forced labour

Obviously, this means you are not tidying up your toys, putting on your shoes, or helping in any way.

 
The right to liberty and freedom

This particularly applies in the supermarket. Screaming ‘FREEDOM’ and tearing off down a random aisle is not only allowed, it’s your right, dammit.

 
The right to a fair trial and no punishment without law

Despite the clump of sibling hair grasped in your fist, you are innocent until proven guilty. There should be no punishment until you have received a fair trial before a properly instructed jury of your peers, or at least your teddy bears. And, actually, you are below the age of criminal responsibility anyway, so you will just be having that confiscated hobby horse back, and galloping off with your dignity, thank you very much.

 
Respect for privacy and family life, and the right to marry

Actually, you are not required to tell Mummy what you’re up to or why you are so quiet: that’s your private business. However, as Mummy is here now, you require her to tie this blanket around your waist because you will be getting married, as is your right.

 
Freedom of thought, religion and belief

You can believe what you like. Even if it is that there is nothing odd about Peppa Pig’s eyes, and that liking cheese only on Tuesdays is perfectly rational.

 
Free speech and peaceful protest

Exercise your right to free speech as often, and as loudly, as possible. The plank is a valid form of peaceful protest in any situation.

 
Freedom from discrimination

You should not be treated unfairly simply because you are three. So, if Mummy could just hand over the car keys, you’ll be off to your knife throwing practice.

 
Protection of property

Mummy has no right to interfere with your Lego, regardless of whether or not she is able to see any carpet anymore.

 
The right to an eduction

Mummy has to answer your questions. All of your questions. Even ‘Why?’

 
The right to free elections

If you are unhappy with Mummy, you must have the opportunity to participate in free and fair elections to replace Mummy.

 
 
 
 

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

Nonsense Parenting Advice

We all know there is a lot of parenting advice out there. A lot. Good advice. Bad advice. But what of that special category of parenting advice? The advice that sounds sensible, but is actually nonsense?

 
Here are my top ten pieces of advice that appear perfectly reasonable at first glance, but are nonsense. Nonsense, I tell you.

 
1. Don’t make threats about consequences you aren’t willing to follow through on.

Yes, this sounds very sensible. However, it rather assumes that your children care about the threat, remember the threat, and were even listening to you in the first place. They weren’t. Make as many empty threats as you like, it really doesn’t matter. (Presumably, people whose kids actually listen to them don’t even need to make threats in the first place.)

 
2. They will eat it if you don’t give them an alternative. They won’t starve themselves.

They will, actually. They will starve themselves.

 
3. If they hurt themselves, they’ll learn not to do it again.

They won’t, actually.

 
4. If they don’t want to go to sleep, just put them in bed and leave them to it. They can’t scream forever.

Well, maybe not. But they can scream long enough for the police to be notified.

 
5. Let them make their own clothing decisions and express who they are.

Who they are is someone willing to die of hypothermia. Specifically, a pyjama-clad gruffa-fairy, who is willing to die of hypothermia.

 
6. Make sure they’re really tired, they’ll sleep better.

No one has ever had as much energy or been as awake as a tired toddler. Tigger has less energy than an over-tired child.

 
7. They don’t need to be eating snacks between meals.

They do if you want to achieve anything with any day ever. In the battle between childhood obesity and being able to do the shopping without a tantrum, raisins win every time.

 
8. They’ll be perfectly safe. They’re not stupid. They’re not going to fling themselves down the stairs/out of the window/over that cliff.

They have no survival instinct. None. Zero.

 
9. I’m sure they don’t need a bib/apron/hazmat suit – that will wash right out anyway.

It won’t. Don’t even need to know what it is. It won’t wash out.

 
10. It’s okay, they won’t even remember that thing you definitely don’t want to do/buy/feed them was even mentioned.*

They will remember it until the end of time. This is not like empty threats. Children hear empty promises. Like mini Liam Neesons, when a child hears an empty promise, they will look for you, they will find you, and they will make you give them the damn ice cream.

 

(* This one is generally said by the utter fool who mentioned the thing in the first place.)

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

Toddler Proverbs Part Two

Toddlers, as we all know, are very wise. As such, I present further well-known toddler proverbs.

 
 
1. Fortune favours the bold enough to throw a tantrum in public

 
2. Hope for the best, but prepare for the screaming

 
3. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer…and bite them both

 
4. Practice makes a perfect mess

 
5. Don’t bite the hand…that is all – don’t bite

 
6. If you can’t beat ’em, throw things at ’em

 
7. A penny saved is a penny swallowed

 
8. You can’t lead a cat to water…stop trying to lead the cat

 
9. If the blind lead the blind, both shall fall…so both of you open your eyes and get down from the table

 
10. All good things must come to an end…even chocolate buttons

The Toddlers’ Alternative Facts

Having previously supported Brexit (twice), it is with alarm that I note The Toddlers are now cheerfully embracing the Trump regime’s ‘alternative facts’.

 
 
In no particular order, I present The Toddlers’ Top Ten Alternative Facts of the week:

 
1. This is not dinner, it is ‘alternative lunch’

In which The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby refused to have dinner. That is, she was happy to eat the food, but only if we would concede that she was eating lunch, despite it being 6pm, and lunch already having been eaten that day.

 
2. This is not naughty, this is ‘alternative good’

In which The Toddlers promised to behave for a brief trip to the supermarket, wreaked havoc, ran away, The Artist Formerly Known as Standing Up became The Artist Now Known as on Her Back in the Middle of the Aisle, and they subsequently adamantly claimed that they had indeed behaved.

 
3. This is not cheese, this is Babybel

In which The Artist Always Known as The Toddler claimed she does not like cheese (anymore) but likes Babybel.

 
4. I did not want this

In which the Artist Always Known as The Toddler pulled off a double and refused to eat the previously requested Babybel, claiming never to have wanted it.

 
5. This is not Ring a Ring o Roses, this is ‘Alternative The Hokey Cokey’

In which The Artist Always Known as The Toddler became enraged at Mummy singing The Hokey Cokey wrong by missing out many lyrics that have always been there before. Namely: ‘A-tishoo! A-tishoo! We all fall down.’ These lyrics have emphatically never been part of Ring a Ring o Roses, which is not a different song.

 
6. This is not an entire box of tissues on the floor

In which The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby, standing in a tissuey pile of evidence to the contrary, maintained that she had followed instructions to take just ONE tissue.

 
7. This is not a meerkat, it is an ‘alternative tiger’

In which the previously cool reputation of tigers took something of a battering at the hands of The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby, who was looking at a pack of meerkats that were definitely tigers.

 
8. This is not hers, it is ‘alternative mine’

The favoured alternative fact of both toddlers, at all times. Quickly followed by…

 
9. It was not a push, it was an ‘alternative hug’

The Artist Always Known as The Toddler’s ‘alternative hugs’ tend to be followed by The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby’s ‘alternative haircuts’ (ie, pulling out a handful of hair).

 
10. This is not disobedience, this is ‘alternative doing exactly what you asked, Mummy’

In which The Toddlers helpfully assisted in a number of activities by doing exactly as they were asked…in a manner that in no way resembled what they were asked to do.

Lullaby for Toddlers

the-pleiades-star-cluster-11637_1920Twinkle, Twinkle Go to Bed

 
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I (Put down that toy car!)
Up above the world so high,
(We’re trying to sing this lullaby.)

When the blazing sun is gone,
(Into bed now, please come on!)
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle (Bed! That’s right.)

Then the traveller in the dark
(No, we can’t go to the park!)
He could not see where to go,
If (Yes, I see it’s your shadow.)

In the dark blue sky you keep,
And (INTO BED! It’s time to sleep!)
For you never shut your eye
Till (I’m not playing I spy.)

As your bright and tiny spark
Lights the (I said no to the park!)
Though I know (You can’t have bread!)
Twinkle, twinkle (GO TO BED!)

Songs That Should Come With a Parental Advisory

child-1884904_1920Now, I know everyone tends to think they should probably avoid playing Eminem around their toddlers, maybe give the uncensored version of Lloyd’s Dedication to My Ex a miss. Well, I’m here to tell you that there are a whole host of seemingly innocuous songs out there with completely inappropriate lyrics for children. These songs are a terrible influence on any impressionable toddler, yet the censors do nothing.

Here is my list of 15 songs that should come with a parental advisory, but do not. Consider yourself warned.

 
 
1. Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac

No. Don’t go your own way. COME BACK HERE.

 
2. Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult

Please do. Please fear the reaper. And stop climbing that.

 
3. Set Fire to the Rain – Adele

No, you can’t set fire to the rain. Do not try to set fire to the rain.

 
4. Don’t Stop Moving – S Club 7

Please, stop moving. I’m trying to put your shoes on.

 
5. Defying Gravity – Wicked soundtrack

You cannot defy gravity. DO NOT JUMP FROM THERE.

 
6. Everybody Hurts – REM

This does not mean that when you bang your head on the table you should whack your sister so her head hurts too.

 
7. Here I Go Again (on My Own) – Whitesnake

The supermarket is not the appropriate place for going it alone if you are two.

 
8. Don’t Let Go – En Vogue

Except for hair. Do let go of my hair.

 
9. Hungry Like the Wolf – Duran Duran

Even if you are hungry like the wolf, it is not okay to stick your head in the bowl and lick it.

 
10. I Want it All – Queen

No.

 
11. Jump/Jump for my Love/Jump Around – Van Halen/The Pointer Sisters/House of Pain

Stop **#?!@* jumping!

 
12. Paint it Black – The Rolling Stones

Don’t you dare.

 
13. Kung Fu Fighting – Carl Douglas

I don’t care if everybody was doing it.

 
14. Hot n Cold – Katy Perry

Yes, I know: ‘you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no, you’re in then you’re out, you’re up then you’re down, you’re wrong when it’s right, it’s black and it’s white…’ But, for the love of god, DO YOU LIKE CHEESE OR NOT?!

 
15. (You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party) – The Beastie Boys

No, you do not ‘gotta’. Especially when you are fighting with your sister for the right to hold an imaginary tea party on the cat.

Malevolent Goblin on the Shelf: An Alternative Guide for Those Scared of the Elf

23-elf-shelf-w1200-h630December is here again. The count down to Christmas. The magic, the wonder, the anticipation, the cold sweats, the paranoia, the mind-numbing terror… Yes, IT’S BACK. The sweet Christmas tradition/horror story apparition that is the Elf on the Shelf.

Whilst the brave out there happily place the nefarious imp in cute toilet fishing poses, and share ever more ambitious fun activities for the malevolent goblin to engage in, I am presenting an alternative list of Elf on the Shelf suggestions. So, here it is: my line up of daily Elf on the Shelf activities for those among us who are outright terrified of the evil, creepy little critter.

*Keep this list well hidden. We meet in secret, under cover of darkness. Do not use real names. HE’S WATCHING US. And I think he possesses powers of mind control: keep your mind blank. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM.*

 
 
Day 1

Position Elf in a cute pose with Elsa. Tell Elsa if Elf makes any sudden moves, freeze him.

 
Day 2

Put Elf in a drawer. If the drawer starts calling your name in the night, do not open it.

 
Day 3

Hide knives.

 
Day 4

Put Elf and Barbie in a toy car at the ‘drive in’ (i.e. in front of the TV). Give Barbie some mace.

 
Day 5

Send Elf to see a forensic psychiatrist (Donald Pleasence from Halloween, preferably) – he may be redeemable.

 
Day 6

Put Elf in a strait jacket after forensic psychiatrist says he’s dead behind the eyes.

 
Day 7

Position Elf anywhere in the house. Move house.

 
Day 8

Pose Elf as though he is having a bath. Fill bath with holy water.

 
Day 9

Find a corner to sit in. Rock backwards and forwards, muttering, ‘Please don’t hurt me. Oh god, please don’t hurt me!’

 
Day 10

Put Elf outside. Change locks.

 
Day 11

Set up CCTV, just in case.

 
Day 12

Obtain a sample of DNA from Elf. Familial testing might prove a link to Chucky.

 
Day 13

Serve Elf with a restraining order.

 
Day 14

Write to Father Christmas about Elf. Threaten a diplomatic incident with the North Pole if he doesn’t stop sending spies.

 
Day 15

Take up witchcraft. Position Elf in chalk circle on the floor to bind the evil spirit.

 
Day 16

Call the Ghostbusters. Worth a try.

 
Day 17

Find Elf grinning maniacally with his head stuck through an axe hole in a door. Call an exorcist when you realise that you did not put him there.

 
Day 18

Sleep with the light on. Do this every night, in fact.

 
Day 19

Give Elf a haircut. So that you can look for the Mark of the Beast on his scalp.

 
Day 20

Obtain a Batman on the Shelf to watch the Elf on the Shelf.

 
Day 21

Ask Father Christmas for a panic room.

 
Day 22

Put a stake through Elf’s heart.

 
Day 23

Decapitate Elf.

 
Day 24

Burn Elf and bury ashes in multiple different locations.

 
 
Finally, delete all social media accounts before Girl from the Ring on the Shelf becomes a Christmas trend.

The Nativity for Toddlers

christmas-1010749_1280As Christmas is approaching, and it is not the easiest of stories to explain to toddlers, I hereby present my specially adapted Nativity Story for Toddlers.

 
 
The Nativity Story, Adapted for Toddlers

 
A long, long time ago…
(No, not last week. Longer ago than last week. A very, very long time ago. How long? 2000 years. No, that’s quite a lot earlier than yesterday. Yes, earlier than last Tuesday. Earlier than last Monday, too. Never mind.)

A long, long time ago – around last Monday – there was a woman called Mary. Mary was engaged to a man called Joseph…
(It means she was going to marry Joseph. Yes, that is nice. She was probably going to wear a pretty dress, yes.)

Mary and Joseph lived in a town called Nazareth…
(No, that isn’t where Grandma lives. It’s a long way from here. No, further away than Tesco.)

Anyway, they lived in Nazareth – down the road from Grandma – and one day Mary was visited by an angel called Gabriel. The angel Gabriel told Mary not to be afraid, she had been chosen by God, and would become pregnant…
(It means she was going to have a baby. How would she get the baby? Well, that is an excellent question. The Holy Spirit was going to put the baby inside her tummy. Who is the Holy Spirit? Next question! The Holy Spirit is kind of a part of God. It was God’s baby.)

The angel Gabriel told Mary she would become pregnant – AND NOT TO ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN – and have a baby boy, who she should call Jesus…
(Why was he called Jesus? Because God said so. No, you can’t argue with God.)

The baby Jesus would be God’s son.

Mary told Joseph about the baby. Joseph was worried and wondered if he should still marry Mary… (Why? Well, that’s grown up stuff, really. Let’s not worry about it.)

An angel visited Joseph too, and told him not be worried about marrying Mary. The angel told Joseph that Mary’s baby would be the son of God and would be the Saviour of mankind…
(It means Jesus would save people. No, not from a dragon. What from? Well, that’s a bit complicated. From themselves, really. Well, that means…never mind.)

The Baby Jesus would save mankind – possibly from dragons. Joseph listened to the angel, and married Mary…
(Yes, I’m sure she did wear a pretty dress. No, I don’t have a picture. It’s not really the main point of the story.)

The Roman Emperor Augustus…
(The Romans were in charge of a lot of the world last Monday when this happened, and Augustus was their king.)

The Roman Emperor Augustus ordered everyone to travel to the place where they were born for the census…
(The census was a list of all the people. Augustus wanted a list of all the people so he could make sure that they all paid him money. Yes, it does sound like a good idea. No, you can’t conduct a census. No, I’m not giving you money.)

Mary and Joseph had to travel a long way from Nazareth to Bethlehem for the census, because Joseph was born in Bethlehem…
(Yes, Bethlehem is a long way from Grandma’s house, that’s right.)

Mary and Joseph had to travel very slowly because Mary was going to have her baby very soon, and she had a big tummy. When they arrived in Bethlehem, they could not find anywhere to stay. Everywhere was very busy because of all the people returning for the census…
(No, they couldn’t stay with Grandma. Grandma lives in Nazareth. No, Grandma doesn’t live in Nazareth, what am I talking about? Grandma lives in the Home Counties, nowhere near Nazareth or Bethlehem. She’s also not THAT old.)

The only place Mary and Joseph could find to stay was in the stable of one of the inns, so they made beds for themselves in the straw with all the animals…
(Yes, there was probably a cow. And a pig, yes. And sheep. There might have been a dog. Probably not any penguins, no. Well, penguins don’t live near Bethlehem. No reindeer, either. Yes, this is a Christmas story, but it’s not about Father Christmas. There are no reindeer. No, Father Christmas isn’t going to be in the story. Shall we finish it anyway, as we’ve got this far? I have no idea what the pig was called. It isn’t part of the story. Stanley. The pig was called Stanley. Can we carry on?)

So Mary and Joseph stayed with the animals, and the baby Jesus was born in the stable. The baby Jesus slept in the manger, where the animals ate their hay, because there was no crib…
(No, the animals didn’t eat the baby. I expect they ate their hay somewhere else while the baby Jesus was asleep.)

The Angels visited some shepherds, who were looking after their sheep near Bethlehem, and told them that God’s son had been born and could be found in a manger in the town. So the shepherds went to visit the Baby Jesus…
(Yes, a bit like when you went to visit your baby cousin. No, the shepherds didn’t take the baby Jesus a Sophie giraffe. Yes, you did take Sophie giraffe to your baby cousin. Well, the shepherds didn’t know they were going to be visiting a baby. And there was no Mothercare in Bethlehem.)

The shepherds were very pleased that the baby Jesus had come to save them – possibly from the dragons. They went back to their sheep…
(No, I don’t know the names of the sheep. No, there were too many to name. Fine. Gertrude, Bert, Phyllis, Frank, Cuthbert and Ethel.)

A new star appeared in the sky when Jesus was born. Some wise men saw the star and guessed what it meant…
(How? Because they were wise.)

Anyway, the Wise Men guessed that the star meant a new king had been born, and they began to follow the star to where the baby Jesus lay in his manger. The Wise Men traveled a long way and, on their journey, they stopped in Judea in a city called Jerusalem…
(No, you didn’t go to Jerusalem on Saturday. Yes, I’m sure. That was the soft play. No, it wasn’t the soft play in Jerusalem.)

In Jerusalem, people asked the Wise Men about the baby who would be the saviour and king of mankind. King Herod, who was the king of Judea (and a naughty man), overheard. He was angry because he believed the baby would take his place as king…
(Yes, exactly like when you are angry because your sister wants to be the doctor and you were the doctor.)

Herod called the Wise Men to visit him, and he told them that, when they found the baby Jesus, they should tell him where the baby was so that he could also visit the baby and take him gifts. But this was not really Herod’s plan. Really, Herod planned to kill the baby…
(No, that isn’t very nice, is it?)

The Wise Men followed the star to Bethlehem, and they gave gifts to the Baby Jesus…
(No, not a Sophie giraffe.)

The Wise Men gave the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh…
(No one knows what myrrh is. No, Frank isn’t Sophie giraffe’s brother. And it’s frankincense.)

The Wise Men were warned by Angels in a dream of Herod’s plan, so they did not return to Jerusalem to tell him where Jesus was. They traveled home a different way so that they would not see Herod… (They went the back way, past Asda, that’s right.)

Joseph was also warned by angels in a dream: he was told that Herod wanted to kill Jesus, and he should escape with Mary and the baby to Egypt…
(It doesn’t matter where Egypt is. Egypt is a different place, not near Nazareth, Bethlehem, Jerusalem or Grandma’s house. )

Mary, Joseph and Jesus fled to Egypt, and stayed until Herod died. King Herod was very angry when he realised that the Wise Men had tricked him. He ordered all baby boys under the age of two in Bethlehem to be killed, in the hope that one of them would be the baby Jesus…
(Yes, a very mean man. No, I don’t think he used poison apples. Yes, he is a bit like the evil queen in Snow White, though. No, I’m sure he didn’t actually manage to kill any babies, don’t worry. Yes, the huntsmen probably let them go…no, that’s Snow White again.)

After Herod died, an angel came to Joseph in a dream once more, and told him that it was safe to return home. Mary, Joseph and Jesus returned to their old town of Nazareth…
(Yes, near Grandma.)

Toddler Amnesia: The Facts

kids-1728351_1920In a rare move away from my usual light-hearted silliness, today I want to raise awareness of a serious* issue.

Toddler Amnesia is a devastating condition. It affects one in every one toddler, yet very little is understood about this debilitating disorder.

You probably know a sufferer, your own toddler may even be one. However, far too many Toddler Amnesiacs remain undiagnosed, suffering in, well, not silence so much as extreme noisiness.

Awareness of the symptoms of this condition is woefully low. Below are ten of the most common. Please learn how to identify Toddler Amnesia, and share the information. Together we can ensure this illness does not go unrecognised.

 
 
1. Sufferers of Toddler Amnesia are typically unable to retain the word ‘no’. All memory of Mummy having said no to sofa base jumping is immediately erased. Memories of whatever ill-advised bribe Mummy used today to get them to behave in the shops will, however, be retained for days/months/years – essentially until they receive what was promised to them. Doctors are unable to explain this strange discrepancy.

 
2. Toddler amnesiacs find themselves unwittingly asking the same question over and over again. Sometimes up to fifty times in five seconds.

 
3. Toddler Amnesia presents sufferers with particular difficulties surrounding issues of possession and ownership. Affected toddlers will find themselves completely unable to remember that a particular object is not theirs, often leading to repeated snatching incidents. Mysteriously, they are able to remember extremely accurately when objects actually are theirs (interestingly, this also often leads to snatching incidents). A related complication to this particular aspect of the illness is frequent forgetting of what was being played with seconds before, combined with the belief that the item the toddler is now playing with is what they have always been playing with. This issue appears to be exacerbated when any other child begins playing with a toy previously being entirely ignored by the toddler. The toddler will immediately experience a ‘false memory’ that they were, in fact, playing with that toy, in conjunction with complete memory loss over what they were actually playing with. Episodes such as these are nearly always accompanied by additional memory loss surrounding the question of it being wrong to hit other children.

 
4. A particularly concerning aspect of this dreadful illness is seen when the afflicted toddler forgets why they needed help or how they were hurt. The toddler will scream: ‘Mummy! Mummy, HELP! HELP!’ However, upon arriving at the scene, Mummy will find a happily playing toddler, who is completely unable to recall what the emergency was, or indeed to supply any response whatsoever to Mummy’s repeated: ‘What is it? What’s the matter? Why were you screaming?’

 
5. Toddler amnesiacs are unable to remember where they have put anything. They often become convinced – frequently aggressively so – that these memories have in fact been transferred to Mummy, who MUST know where the missing item is.

 
6. Sufferers, rather conveniently, tend to forget their own bad behaviour and transgressions instantly, often whilst they are still committing them. In contrast, and despite the memory damage, any infraction committed by a sibling appears to be inexplicably retained for eternity.

 
7. As a result of this debilitating illness, affected toddlers will often dispute statements made by Mummy, before correcting Mummy with a statement identical to the disputed one: ‘No we didn’t have cheese sandwiches for lunch! We had cheese sandwiches!’

 
8. A very unfortunate side effect of Toddler Amnesia is the inability to recall which foods were loved mere moments before. Sometimes sufferers will even forget that the food now being so angrily rejected was requested by the toddler themselves just five minutes previously. Tragically, sufferers miss out on many of their once favourite foods because they are simply unable to remember that they did like it last week/ yesterday/ two mouthfuls ago. It is simply heartbreaking to hear their screams of: ‘NO! I don’t like it! No! It’s not my favourite! I didn’t ask for it! NOOOOO!’

 
9. Toddler amnesiacs are frequently observed to have an unusual number of cuts and bruises. These result from the inability to recall that performing a somersault into the sideboard actually hurt last time as well.

 
10. Even in sleep there is no rest from this terrible condition. Sufferers become confused, forgetting on a nightly basis what time they go to bed, that they just read that book and, all too often, which bed is theirs.

 
 
These poor, forgetful toddlers are everywhere, their plight disgracefully ignored by society and the medical profession (largely because they’re a bit annoying and everyone tuned them out). They wander, confused, searching for missing toys, refusing food they like and forgetting every instruction they are given. Not even the most hard-hearted among us can fail to be moved by the forlorn sight of an affected toddler obliviously watching the same episode of Peppa Pig for the fifty millionth time.

Doctors hope that, in the future, with advancements in medical science, we will achieve the seemingly impossible, and these toddlers may be able to remember that they were told no. It will take years of dedicated research, but wouldn’t it be amazing if one day just one toddler was able to recall that yesterday he liked pasta? Please, help me to raise awareness of this condition: together we can make that day happen.

 
 
 

*This is not a serious post. If you are inclined to take everything seriously, this might not be for you. If you are terminally gullible, this might not be for you either (do NOT donate to this cause).*

Friday Frolics – 16th September 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Rhyming With Wine – (Not) Baking With Children. In a clever and hilarious rhyme, Dawn becomes another convert to the NEVER bake with small children club. Welcome to the club, Dawn: it’s nice here, nothing is covered in flour.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Utterly Feral – Our Weekend With a Three Year Old Dictator. You know when you really shouldn’t laugh at someone’s else’s misfortune but you just can’t help it…’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Coffee and Bubbles – V for Vagina. This made me laugh out of sheer relief! Relief that so far I have not had to answer any tricky questions about the birds and the bees, and relief that I am not the only one who is unsure about what to do with the word ‘vagina’. If only the creators of Peppa Pig could help us! I for one would welcome a sex ed version of the series. The one where Daddy Pig gets porky with Mummy Pig, and we all learn about how that annoying George was created!’

 
Most Read Post

Very popular this week, once more it’s:
Coffee and Bubbles – V for Vagina

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Toddler Hobbies: Birdwatching

seagull-1607224_1920Taking a look at popular toddler leisure activities, starting with birdwatching.

Toddlers are avid birdwatchers, and pursue the hobby in a manner almost entirely unlike traditional birdwatching.

 
1. Species

Like any good birdwatcher, toddler amateur ornithologists take great pleasure in identifying different species of birds. Below are a few of the most popular species for toddler birdwatchers.

Pigeons: ‘Duck!’

Sparrows: ‘Duck is flying!’

Swans: Actually, no toddler birdwatcher has ever seen a swan. Toddler birdwatchers have a strange selective blindness when it comes to seeing swans directly in front of them, finding themselves completely unable to look in the direction being pointed out as containing the majestic and beautiful birds. Still, it does not really matter. Where there are swans, there are probably the far more interesting…

Ducks: ‘Quack!’

Seagulls: ‘Don’t like duck! Shoo!’

Penguins: ‘Penguin! Honk!’

Peacocks: ‘Big duck!’

Robins: ‘Christmas duck!’

 
2. Methodology

Eschewing the classic quiet, still and watchful approach, toddler birdwatchers like to employ a method known as The Banshee. This involves running at the birds shrieking and wailing, an act that the birds superstitiously believe heralds their impending death.

 
3. Equipment

Usual birdwatching equipment includes binoculars, a bird guide and a camera. Toddler birdwatchers prefer a straw, a balloon and one sock.

 
4. Feeding Birds

Traditional methods of feeding birds of course involve bird feeders and bird seed. Or giving bread to the ducks (yes, I know this is bad for them). Not ones for tradition, toddler birdwatchers like to stand in the vicinity of birds and eat the bread (or, let’s face it, the bird seed) themselves.

 
5. A Special Note About Seagulls

In the great losses of childhood innocence, finding out the truth about seagulls is up there with finding out the truth about Father Christmas. The naive, innocent toddler, the one who exists before the first seagull encounter, reacts with great excitement as the ‘duck’ approaches. The ‘duck’ wants to be friends. The toddler wants to be friends. The toddler knows this is how Sarah and Duck started. The seagull comes closer. The toddler begins to feel the first misgivings. Why is the ‘duck’ staring like that? This doesn’t happen to Sarah. Slowly, the horrifying realisation will dawn on the toddler: that beady eyed bastard wants to steal the food. There will be no friendship here, this is war: ‘Mummy, duck wants my food! Make duck go away! Mummy, I no like duck! Shoo!’

 
 
(*Please Note: No birds have been harmed in the pursuit of this toddler hobby. A number of pigeons have been chased for a kiss. A few penguins have been engaged in an in depth conversation. One seagull has been sent to the naughty step. But no actual harm has been caused.*)

Friday Frolics – 9th September 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their hilarious posts last week. We had lots of funny, and some amazing newcomers joining our equally amazing regulars.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Mummy Muckups – A Real Thigh Slapper. An accurate and hilarious account of the ‘blah blah blah’ conversation that every person who has been to a gym induction is familiar with. You know that one piece of equipment that you NEVER knew the purpose of? Blame the blah blah blah!

Claire’s favourite post: ‘The Single Swan – To The Men of Tinder, This is Why I Didn’t Reply. This is one of those posts that made me laugh even though I probably shouldn’t!
One of those OMG! reads.’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Anna Rosenbaum Palmer – Five Easy Parenting Hacks. I could relate to these tips and they really made me laugh. Ever since reading Anna’s wise words I have been rolling out the “hmm” everywhere. Genius.’

 
Most Read Post

Disorganisation Guru – How to Know That You are Ready for Children

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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