Tagged Peppa Pig

The Pig Must Go Off (A ‘The Show Must Go On’ Parody)

Peppa 1I’m doing song parodies again (sorry about that). I still can’t rhyme (sorry about that).

This time I have chosen one of my favourite Queen songs (sorry about that, Queen). So here is my Peppa Pig parody (not sorry, Peppa) of The Show Must Go On.

(If you want to see the original lyrics of The Show Must Go On, and hear the song, you can find it here.)

 
 
The Pig Must Go Off

 
Annoying piggy, what are they watching for
She’s rather bratty, we know that for sure
On and on, does anybody know what toddlers watch it for
Another creature, another alliterative name
Peppa’s the worst one, but they’re all to blame
Be honest now, does anybody want to slap her in the face
The pig must go off
The pig must go off
The toddler says her heart is breaking
Yes, now she’s started wailing
But that pig cannot stay on

Whatever happens, no more pig today
Another tantrum, resolve starts to sway
On and on, does anybody know what toddlers watch it for
I guess we’re jumping
In muddy puddles now
We’ll soon be soaking
Thanks to that bossy sow
‘More pig,’ the toddler’s calling
But of that bloody pig mummy’s aching to be free
The pig must go off
The pig must go off
The toddler says her heart is breaking
Yes, now she’s started wailing
But that pig cannot stay on

Their eyes are both on the same side of their face
Surely one eye must be completely out of place
Peppa must go, my friends
The pig must go off
The pig must go off
I’ll face the tantrum with a grin
This time Peppa will not win
Off with the show

Daddy Pig, Mummy Pig
Even George is going off
Off with the
Off with the pig
The pig must go off

Cardboard Panda: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said, this week featuring The Baby’s Corner and, unexpectedly, a silent item.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, putting up with her

Silly Daddy does an office job, and so generally works regular Monday to Friday hours. However, he occasionally has to do some extra hours on a Saturday. So it is a Saturday, and Silly Daddy is at work. The Toddler and The Baby have been out with Silly Mummy. Heading home, The Toddler is asking whether Silly Daddy will be there. Silly Mummy explains that Silly Daddy won’t be back until dinner time, like during the week, concluding flippantly: ‘And you’ll have to put up with Mummy.’
The Toddler nods seriously: ‘Yes, like I normally do.’ How rude.

2. On farewells, rude

The Toddler’s farewells are becoming significantly less polite: ‘See you soon. Don’t have a lovely day.’

3. On Silly Daddy’s shoe

The Toddler has something important she needs to tell Silly Mummy. She makes sure she has Silly Mummy’s full attention for her urgent and riveting tale: ‘Mummy, Mummy, MUMMY…I had a lovely time walking on Daddy’s shoe. And he said, “Give it back”.’ She runs off. Apparently that’s it. Well, that’s…good to know.

4. On herself, being the First Lady

It should be noted here that Silly Mummy often refers to The Toddler and The Baby as ‘ladies’. Also that The Toddler wants to come to the dinner table first. These facts, rather than an unusually sophisticated grasp on American politics for a two year old, probably explain her charging across the room announcing: ‘I’m the First Lady!’

5. On Kung Fu Panda

Silly Daddy has asked The Toddler if she’d like to watch Kung Fu Panda later. She is now very excited about the impending viewing of: ‘Cardboard Panda!’

6. On additional information, confusing

The Toddler’s explanations of her statements have progressed from adding nothing to adding contradiction and confusion: ‘When Grandma comes on Saturday, she doesn’t always come on Saturday.’

7. On road safety

The Toddler and The Baby are in the hallway, engaged in a game of imaginary outings. They’re mostly shopping. However, it does appear that The Toddler has somewhat misunderstood the principles of road safety: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s get to the main road.’ The rule would be stay away from the main road, The Toddler, not aim for it.

8. On psychoanalysis

The Toddler has taken up impersonating Sigmund Freud this week, and now responds to most information with: ‘Hmm, interesting.’ (Sometimes she opts for outright sarcasm, and responds to everything with a very disingenuous: ‘That’s interesting.’)

9. On her sister, wanting her back

Silly Daddy has walked off with The Baby like he owns her, and The Toddler is not happy. She speaks to Silly Daddy firmly: ‘Daddy, can you bring The Baby back cos that’s my sister.’

10. On armed (with a Peppa Pig rolling pin) robbery

(This final item is admittedly not something The Toddler said, but is deserving of a mention nonetheless.)

 
The Baby is pushing around her little toy shopping trolley. The Toddler comes up behind her with a toy Peppa Pig rolling pin, and points it at The Baby’s back. She proceeds to take the trolley from The Baby. It is essentially a toddler stick up.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby can say ‘Grandma’ (it was ‘Amama’, but now she has mastered ‘Grandma’). She cannot, however, say ‘Grandad’. She has solved this dilemma in the obvious manner: she calls Grandad ‘Grandma’. The Baby has seen a man at the till in the coffee shop. He reminds her of Grandad. As such, she is pointing at him whilst insistently yelling, ‘Grandma! Grandma!’ The man looks confused. Having paid, he goes to sit down (unsurprisingly, a long way from The Baby). The Baby is offended: ‘Where’s Grandma gone?’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Adults Outwitted by a Toddler: 2

girl-951561_1920The great thing about children, of course, is that there is so much you can teach them.

The Toddler wants to do something: ‘Can me do that?’
The Toddler often mixes up me and I. Grandad tries to help her with her pronouns: ‘Can I do that?’
The Toddler misses Grandad’s point and answers what she believes to be his question: ‘No!’
No, Grandad, The Toddler wants to do that – you find your own activities. Grandad dealt with, The Toddler returns to her request: ‘Can me do that?’
Silly Mummy tries: ‘No, The Toddler, you say, “Can I do that?”‘
The Toddler is exasperated with people trying to muscle in on her territory: ‘No! Can me do that?’

 
The other great thing about children is how easy it is to manipulate them.

It is The Toddler’s bed time. She, however, is busy on the imaginary phone. Grandad, displaying great ingenuity, takes the ‘phone’ and listens, before saying, ‘Is there someone there who’s going to bed?’ The Toddler nods. Grandad holds out the ‘phone’: ‘I think this call is for you.’ Grandad readies himself for his phone call with The toddler about bed time.
The Toddler is not falling for this trick. She takes the ‘phone’ and (putting what she has learnt from Peppa Pig to good use) immediately and expertly changes the subject: ‘Hello? Fire Service? I’m stuck in the mud!’

 
Pronouns learnt: 0
Going to beds achieved: 0
Toddlers reasoned with: 0
Adults outwitted by a toddler: 2

Where’s The Baby’s Duck?

The Baby now has several words*, and excellent parroting (in the traditional sense of the word, not her previous attempt at ‘parroting‘, which was rather literal). She still favours ‘duck’, though. She is not giving up on ‘duck‘.

The Baby has gathered from The Toddler that it is extremely important to insistently say ‘mummy’ repeatedly before making any other statement, in order to ensure that Silly Mummy is very clear that she is being spoken to. The Baby will therefore present (hit) Silly Mummy with a book thusly: ‘Mummy, Mummy, book!’ The Baby also likes to comment on the time of day. At about 4:30pm, she will point at the window and declare: ‘Mummy, Mummy, dark!’ Of course, impressive though The Baby’s vocabulary may be, she often finds that following ‘Mummy, Mummy’ she does not know the word she intended to say. This is obviously embarrassing for The Baby, and may be behind her habit of plonking herself on the naughty step for no apparent reason.

Speaking of the naughty step, during one naughty step episode for The Toddler, The Baby took up a position standing right in front of her and just silently pointed at her. Probably she wanted to know what was going on, possibly she thought she had located The Toddler in hide and seek, amusingly it looked as though she had appointed herself to the role of Chief Naughty Step Shamer.

The Baby is a prolific nodder and head shaker. She will answer any question this way, as well as indicating her position on matters being discussed (not being discussed with her, of course, just discussions she feels like she should get involved in). Her answers to questions are usually quite accurate, actually. Though she does, on occasion, get a little bit over confident. ‘Love you, The Baby. Can you say “love you”?’ The Baby nods emphatically: ‘Bah boo!’ Nearly.

The Baby can identify body parts, but does not generally say them. She decided to make an exception for her belly button because it’s so funny: ‘Belly beeyupta! Belly beeyupta!’ Fits of giggles ensue. The Baby amuses herself.

The Baby also sings. She sits in her high chair repeating ‘boo bu boo bu, boo bu boo bu’ in a high pitched voice. Following initial concerns that she is broken, Silly Mummy realises she is singing Bibidi Babadi Bu (following The Toddler’s viewing of Cinderella that morning).

The Baby has quickly picked up key phrases: ‘Bic snack!’ (She can also say The Toddler’s name, which is important when she needs to identify the culprit in the inevitable theft of her requested biscuit snack.) The Baby is additionally able to request her ‘slunch’. Why she decided this was a significant word to learn early on remains a mystery, as slunch is rarely eaten. In fact, it is usually fed to the imaginary ducks, as The Baby launches it over the edge of the high chair, screaming, ‘Duck!’

Other important skills and words The Baby has learnt (from The Toddler) include making television demands. Impressively, she has picked up both the appropriate tone and the fact that you should always ask for exactly the same thing (Sarah and Duck in her case). She points at the television and says: ‘Muuum, duck!’ She has recently become very excited about Peppa Pig. This does not appear to be based on any particular love of the programme, but on the fact that she has just realised she can say ‘pig’. She will now watch entire episodes jabbing towards the screen and yelling (and signing), ‘Pig!’ Should she see Grandpa Dog, she will yell, ‘Dog!’ To be honest, when any of the other animals appear, she looks a bit confused and waits until she can yell ‘pig’ or ‘dog’ again. (A ‘dog’ is not to be confused with a ‘dog??’, which is a rocking horse.)

The Baby can say ‘where’. She can also sign it. However, she seems to feel that, no matter what she is looking for, the phrase is: ‘Where’s duck?’ The Toddler is hiding (hiding = standing in the middle of the room pretending she is inconspicuous). The Baby is looking for her, though this would not be obvious from her commentary: ‘Where’s duck?’ Silly Mummy asks The Baby where the apple is, The Baby nods and obediently totters off in search of the apple: ‘Where’s duck?’ Silly Daddy has left the room and The Baby is looking for him: ‘Daddy! Daddy!’
Silly Mummy says, ‘Where’s Daddy?’
The Baby yells, ‘Daddy! Where’s duck?’ In all fairness to The Baby, it is possible she is simply from the Midlands (or Sheffield), where referring to everything as ‘duck’ is acceptable.

(*Some examples of The Baby’s favourite words, as you (didn’t) ask. She says ‘Mummy’, ‘Daddy’ and ‘The Toddler’. Not actually ‘The Toddler’, of course: that would be weird. She says The Toddler’s name. She says ‘bath’ and ‘splash’ (usually together). ‘Ball’, and sometimes ‘throw’ and ‘catch’ (usually just before some kind of small missile hits Silly Mummy in the head). ‘Cat’, ‘dog’, ‘pig’, ‘duck’, ‘quack’, and ‘moo’. ‘Grapes’, ‘cheese’, ‘bic’, ‘snack’, and ‘lunch’ (well, ‘slunch’). ‘Ba boo’ (‘peekaboo’). ‘Dark’. ‘Book’. ‘Belly’.)

Children’s TV: I Have Some Questions

children-403582_1920 So, I now see rather a lot of children’s television, and I have some questions. 21 to be exact.

 
Peppa Pig
1. Why would Mummy Pig climb a blackberry bush? Who climbs blackberry bushes?

2. Will children be more upset when they discover Father Christmas is not real, or when they discover what would really have happened to Pedro Pony when he broke his leg?

3. Why are everyone’s eyes on the same side of their heads? More importantly, what is on the other side?

CBeebies
4. Why do the CBeebies presenters have a baby?

5. Where did the CBeebies presenters get a baby from?

6. Do the authorities know the CBeebies presenters have a baby?

7. Where do the CBeebies presenters keep the baby?

8. Does the CBeebies baby like it in her drawer?

Topsy and Tim
9. Why didn’t Topsy and Tim retain its original title, Village of the Damned 2: The Midwich Cuckoos Bred?

Baby Jake
10. Why don’t Baby Jake’s family have some kind of child safe window guards or latches, given that they live in a windmill (and seem to spend an inordinate amount of time encouraging a multitude of children to lean out of the windows)? What kind of a safety message is this sending out to all the other ten children families living in windmills?

11. Why do Baby Jake’s family live in a windmill?

Mr Bloom
12. How is Mr Bloom ‘all about and everywhere’? Is Mr Bloom a god?* Father Christmas?

(*Please note, this is rhetorical. I do not want to hear personal views on the whether Mr Bloom is a god, as I find it upsetting.)

 
Woolly and Tig
13. Does anyone ever wash Woolly? Apparently, the average cuddly toy, engaging in average cuddly toy activities, is filthy and full of bacteria. I can only assume Woolly is probably carrying bubonic plague by now.

Waybuloos
14. Why? That is all.

In the Night Garden
15. Why do the Tombliboos trousers matches their arses?

16. Why do the Tombliboos bother to wear trousers?

17. Why don’t the Tombliboos lend their pointless trousers too Upsy Daisy, who can’t keep her dress down?

18. Why do the Ninky Nonk and the Pinky Ponk randomly change size? I was going to say it’s like being in a dream. That may be why. Scratch this one.

19. Who thought Makka Pakka was a good idea for a name in a programme aimed at children who are just learning to talk and prone to mispronunciation?

20. I know people have asked before, but is Iggle Piggle dead?

Mr Tumble
21. Why did nobody question whether having Mr Tumble ask children to look for his ‘three special things’ was the best way to phrase it?

 
 

(Please note: there are, of course, so many questions about Sarah and Duck, but I have covered these before. In some detail. I have therefore decided not to fall down that particular rabbit hole again. Too stressful…Wandering about with a duck, I ask you…No. Must stop.)

Toddler Towers: Are All Toddlers Basil Fawlty?

Following the slightly disturbing realisation that toddlers behave a lot like the children in Lord of the Flies, I give you the somewhat less disturbing suggestion that living with toddlers is also a lot like an episode of Fawlty Towers. (If you don’t know Fawlty Towers, it’s one of those programmes people used to watch in the days before there was only Peppa Pig. You may have heard rumours about those days. Everything you heard was true.)

You recall the basic tenets of Fawlty Towers: extreme tantrums, silly walks, bossiness, grumpiness, unreasonable behaviour, ridiculous misunderstandings, unintelligible English, and hitting things with sticks. Now, if you would just like to consider the last half an hour or so with your toddler…

Or allow me to present the evidence.

 
1. Public Relations

Much like Basil Fawlty, your average toddler will occasionally decide a random person is the most important* person ever. This person will be fawned over. Everybody else will be ignored. However, this will not last. By the end of the day, both Basil and the toddler will be found screaming at, and probably trying to kick, the previously beloved person.**

*Meaning rich and influential in Basil’s case, and probably in possession of raisins in the toddler’s case.
**Because they turn out to be a conman (Basil), or because they turn out to be a poohead (toddler).

 
2. Taking instruction

Basil and toddlers are prone to ignoring instructions (from their bossy wives/mummies); relentlessly repeating the same bad behaviour (hiring unreliable builders who put doors in the wrong place/knocking over baby siblings); and denying all knowledge (of how the door ended up in the wrong place/the baby sibling ended up in tears).

3. Ducks

There is an episode of Fawlty Towers in which the new chef only works with duck, all the dishes are duck based, and a significant amount of time is spent searching for duck. By some fluke in the space-time continuum, I believe this episode is actually based on my one year old, who talks almost exclusively about ‘duck’. The pursuit of duck is her main purpose in life. At this very moment, and though she can say ‘cat’, she is following the cat around yelling, ‘Duck!’ It is unclear whether she has decided to assign the cat to the role of duck, or expects the cat to locate a duck for her.

4. Food

The Toddler approach to food is modelled almost exactly on Fawlty Towers: complain that you don’t like what you are given only after happily eating half of it; and offer other people bizarre, made up combinations of food. (Ritz salad a la Basil, anyone? It’s like a Waldorf salad, but not. No? My two year old can offer you egg tea, if you prefer?) Toddlers further admire Basil’s willingness to shout at a chef who is not in fact there, though they see no reason to limit such shouting to imaginary chefs: the world is literally full of imaginary people at whom you could be yelling.

5. Questions

Que? This one is quite self explanatory. In fact, I believe Manuel’s record for the most prolific use of the word ‘what’ in a 30 minute period was recently broken by two year old Roland from Weston Super Mare.

6. Misunderstandings

Now, I don’t recommend turning to toddlers for your hammer supply needs. However, if you do, you will find yourself discussing ham sandwiches and hamsters, with someone who doesn’t fully grasp the English language. It happened to Basil, it will happen to you.

7. Stuffed Animals

The Major may have been somewhat surprised to discover a stuffed moose that was both talking and naughty, but for a toddler, of course, this is just another day at the office. Indeed, up to 70% of a toddler’s time can be spent informing stuffed animals (who may or may not be talking back) that they have been naughty.

8. Causing Offence

Like Basil, toddlers are inclined to say absolutely anything that you would really prefer they do not say. Never mind Basil’s inadvertent mentions of the war to the Germans, Toddler Basil would have unashamedly informed them: ‘You did do the war, didn’t you? You are a naughty wolf!’

 
So: conclusive proof (‘ooh I know’) that toddlers are living out Fawlty Towers on a daily basis. (Now, just don’t mention Peppa Pig. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it…)

Not Little Red Riding Toddler

Little_Red_Riding_Hood_-_J._W._Smith Once upon a time, there was a little toddler, who did not live in a village by a forest. She never wore a red riding cloak (though she sometimes wore a bumble bee outfit), and no one called her Little Red Riding Toddler.

One day, Not Little Red Riding Toddler said, ‘I’m going to see my grandma.’ So she packed an imaginary picnic to take to Grandma’s house, and didn’t put on a red cloak. Silly Mummy warned her not to dawdle on her way: dangerous babies lurked in the living room.

So Not Little Red Riding Toddler set out to visit Grandma. On her journey, she came across some beautiful pull along turtles and a tea set. She promptly forgot Silly Mummy’s warning, and stopped to sniff the turtles and pick a few tea cups. She did not notice when a shadowy Silly Daddy approached and snuck onto the sofa.

Silly Daddy was not interested in the slightest to hear that Not Little Red Riding Toddler was going to see her grandma. He gobbled up something more likely to fall into the category of ‘leftovers’ than ‘Grandma’, before making minimal (no) effort to dress as Grandma.

Not Little Red Riding Toddler arrived in front of Silly Daddy. Silly Daddy continued to devote his best efforts to not looking like Grandma. Without needing to question Silly Daddy’s eyes, ears or teeth, Not Little Red Riding Toddler declared, ‘You’re not Grandma!’

Not Little Red Riding Toddler was nothing if not persistent. She was visiting Grandma. She had not visited Grandma. She announced again, ‘I’m going to see my grandma.’

Presently, Not Little Red Riding Toddler reappeared in front of Silly Daddy, who was still showing remarkably little interest in pretending to be Grandma. Not Little Red Riding Toddler was once again able to see right through Silly Daddy’s complete lack of disguise: ‘You’re not Grandma!’ Not Little Red Riding Toddler knew who Silly Daddy was really: ‘You’re the big bad wolf. Roar!’

So, in something of a role reversal, Not Little Red Riding Toddler roared at the big bad wolf, who disappointingly failed to either chase or attempt to eat anyone. Nonetheless, The Baby Woodcutter appeared at that moment, brandishing a toy remote control at the Silly Daddy Wolf, just in case. The Silly Daddy Wolf situation under control, Not Little Red Riding Goldfish Toddler announced, yet again, ‘I’m going to see my grandma!’

Later, Not Little Red Riding Toddler returned to Silly Mummy, where she declared that she was actually Peppa Pig (of course), and was just…off to see her grandma.

And they all lived repetitively ever after.

Undone, Everyone: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time again, and the newly appointed Sea Captain Mummy presents The Toddler:

1. On supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
The Toddler continues to be besotted with Mary Poppins. Feeling ambitious, she decides to try singing Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious: ‘Super…sup…suer…supra…supercagla…Mummy, I can’t say that word at all!’ Don’t worry, The Toddler, quite understandable. It’s a very difficult word. Silly Mummy would go so far as to say the sound of it is something quite atrocious.

2. On furniture, not a climbing frame
The Baby has been behaving in a reckless – and frankly very childish -manner, clambering all over the furniture. The Toddler is not standing for it: ‘It’s not a climbing frame, The Baby. I’ve told you not to climb it. Please don’t climb, The Baby.’

3. On The Baby, brainwashing of
The Toddler is attempting to brainwash The Baby. The Toddler wants to watch Peppa Pig, but has met Silly Mummy based resistance. She needs back up, and she knows just the baby to ask: ‘The Baby, do you not want to watch Peppa Pig? Say it. The Baby, you say Peppa Pig. The Baby, you say it. The Baby likes say Peppa Pig. Look at me, The Baby. Say it.’ The Baby remains silent on the subject, but does pick up The Toddler’s Peppa Pig balloon. The Toddler will take that as a win: ‘That’s right, The Baby! Peppa Pig! That’s right, The Baby – Peppa pig on there!’

4. On Silly Daddy, incrimination of
In the latest episode of ‘The Toddler’s Guide to Proper Decorum at the Doctors’ Surgery’ The Toddler has been demonstrating how to alleviate boredom by incriminating Silly Daddy. The Baby is having her vaccinations. The Toddler apparently suddenly remembers her last trip to the doctor, when Silly Daddy took her to have a skin condition on her neck checked out. The Toddler decides to inform the nurse about this trip. Sort of. She announces, ‘I hurt my neck!’ Silly Mummy realises what The Toddler is thinking about, but then Silly Mummy is trained in the art of toddler interpretation. The nurse looks concerned and replies, ‘Oh dear, have you? What’s wrong with it?’
The Toddler expands on her original statement: ‘I hurt my neck!’
The nurse says, ‘How did that happen?’
The Toddler, presumably instead answering the question of how she happened to get to the doctors’ surgery, announces: ‘Daddy! Daddy did it! Got a sticker!’ Oh dear. The Toddler got a sticker. Silly Daddy did not receive a sticker for hurting The Toddler’s neck. Which he also did not do. Can we start again?

5. On praise
The Toddler has developed a rather unusual method of delivering praise. She does not say ‘well done’. No. She says ‘undone’. ‘Undone, everyone!’ Give it a go next time you want to praise your colleagues in a work meeting: ‘Undone, everyone, undone. No, really, very undone!’

6. On that being nice
Silly Mummy tells The Toddler we will read some books upstairs. The Toddler nods: ‘That will be nice, won’t it?’ It has since become a favourite phrase. It is sometimes genuinely hard to tell if The Toddler is being very polite or quite sarcastic.

7. On Tommy Cooper, just like that
This week The Toddler has mostly been Tommy Cooper: ‘Mummy, I’m sitting here with my blanket. Just like that.’ We also have the variation of ‘just like this’, mostly used for bossiness towards The Baby: ‘What did The Baby do?’
‘She just fell over and now she’s a bit sad.’
‘Don’t do that, The Baby. Do like me. Just like this.’

8. On Sea Captain Mummy
While The Toddler has been Tommy Cooper, Silly Mummy has been ‘Sea Captain Mummy’. On one occasion, Silly Mummy misbehaved and was ‘naughty Sea Captain Mummy’.

9. On super lunch
It is 9:30 am. What is The Toddler doing? ‘I’m making super lunch.’ Out of coasters, no less. The Toddler snatches them away: they are not quite ready yet. ‘I need to put it in the fridge. Need to waiting for it to cool down first, please.’ Obviously Silly Mummy looks like the sort of person who would eat the coasters before they are ready.

10. On chocolate spread
The Toddler has been given chocolate spread on toast to try by Silly Daddy, who asks her, ‘Do you like it?’
The Toddler considers, ‘Yes…it’s a bit dirty.’

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me
Week 11: Right, What’s The Problem

Eight Times Having a Toddler Was Like Lord of the Flies

Hands up who’s read Lord of the Flies? (Hand down, Dad, I read your school copy of the book: just two pages out of the entire book were annotated.) Those who did read the whole book: have any of you noticed your house has gone just a little bit Lord of the Flies since having a toddler? (If you have never read Lord of the Flies, but still want to know if this applies to you: essentially, if your life has started to occasionally resemble a dystopian chaos run by toddlers, this applies to you.)

Here are eight times having a toddler was like Lord of the Flies.

1. Mummydaddy
Remember the twins in Lord of the Flies? Sam and Eric. The boys on the island stopped treating them as individuals, and referred to them both as Samneric. Does anyone else’s toddler refer to them as ‘Mummydaddy’ (or ‘Daddymummy’)? Or even just use ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ completely interchangeably? You are parents, not people, and don’t you forget it.

2. Overreact and destroy things
The children in Lord of the Flies become paranoid that a beast is living on the island. When a dead parachutist lands in a tree, they believe that it is the beast. Simon, the lone voice of reason, discovers it is just a man and tries to tell the group. In an hysterical frenzy, they kill him for his troubles. Meanwhile, your average toddler may, on any given day, decide that this banana they asked for mere seconds ago is rather suspicious, is not at all what they wanted, and may in fact not be a banana. Furthermore, this, this right here, this table, minding its own business, sitting exactly where it always does, is an interloper and deeply offensive. It must leave. Now. A Lord of the Flies-esque hysterical frenzy will ensue. Voice of reason Mummydaddy will be battered with screeches of ‘go away’ for attempting to defend the table. See the similarity? Be afraid. Be very afraid. (Oh wait, sorry, that’s The Fly, isn’t it? Wrong fly reference.) Much like in Lord of the Flies, should the toddler form a group, they will become much more dangerous. The group mentality can be summarised as ‘destructive’. Things will be thrown. Chanting and ritual dancing may occur.

3. When you’ve been naughty, cry
You recall what the boys in Lord of the Flies do when they are finally found by adults in their filthy, unkempt, may have murdered a couple of people state? They cry. What does your toddler do when found by an adult, covered in sudocrem, totally naked, and surrounded by the strewn corpses of the toilet roll? Probably cry.

4. Offerings to the beast
The boys in Lord of the Flies offer up a pig’s head on a stick to appease the ‘beast’. Presumably, similar thinking is what leads toddlers to present the cat with a piece of Lego, an Iggle Piggle and half a plastic egg.

5. Piggy’s glasses
Much like Piggy’s glasses in Lord of the Flies, any glasses wearing parent of a toddler will know that glasses get confiscated and taken back to the lair.

6. Pig chant
Like the ‘choir’ in Lord of the Flies, many toddlers have taken to chanting relentlessly about a pig. Admittedly, they are unlikely to advocate killing Peppa Pig or slitting her throat. Nonetheless, the reasonless, barbaric obsession with hunting down the pig in Lord of the Flies has its parallel in the toddler’s relentless pursuit of more Peppa Pig.

7. The conch
Remember the conch? The all important object that had to be held in order to speak in Lord of the Flies? Toddlers love an object that must be held at all times, will be fought over by other children, and confers great importance upon the possessor. In fact, the average toddler is grasping at least seven such objects at any given time. Six of these belong to Mummydaddy. Five are breakable.

8. The bad influence
Remember Jack? The boy who gradually leads all the others into savagery in Lord of the Flies? Your toddler is really very sweet-natured, actually quite well behaved, knows the rules, right? There’s always a Jack. Every parent knows there is always one other toddler leading your really quite well behaved child astray. There is always a Jack. If you don’t know this, and are wondering what on earth I’m talking about, you’re Jack’s parent. Sorry you had to find out this way.

 
So, there you have it. Your toddler starts the day in an orderly house, excited about the opportunities ahead of them. By lunchtime, said toddler is naked, crying, inexplicably dirty, and surrounded by the debris of what were once toys. It’s Lord of the Flies. (Don’t worry, this is not a cause for significant concern. If you are able to relate to eight times having a toddler was like A Clockwork Orange, however…)

That’s Not Fair: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Still going strong (and blowing its own trumpet), its this week’s Ten Funniest Things, featuring The Toddler:

1. On manners
Silly Mummy, Grandad, The Toddler and The Baby are out with the double buggy. A couple of women want to pass. The Silly Party moves over slightly to make room. All very courteous…but, wait! The Toddler wants to say something. Does she want to say ‘hello’, perhaps? ‘Nice to meet you’? ‘No, no: after you’? ‘Please do go past us, we’re a little slow’? No. The Toddler turns to the passing ladies: ‘Shoo! Shoo! Get away! Get away!’ The Toddler, ladies and gentlemen: so charming, such manners.

2. On philosophy
The Toddler is playing on the common. She runs out from behind a tree and stands in the middle of the grass. She gestures around with her arms and shouts, ‘Where’s everything gone?’ So profound. The Toddler is still determining which philosophical school of thought she adheres to, but she is leaning towards metaphysical nihilism.

3. On fairness
Possibly as a result of her new found nihilistic tendencies, The Toddler has this week come to realise: ‘That’s not fair!’ Many things have not been fair since The Toddler discovered the existence of the phrase ‘that’s not fair’. Silly Mummy does not know where The Toddler learnt this phrase, but Peppa Pig is under suspicion. (In fact, firm evidence or not, it’s going on the Peppa grievance list.)

4. On The Baby, not a game
Silly Daddy and Uncle are playing a game of flying baby. This involves passing The Baby backwards and forwards between them over their heads. The Toddler looks up at this activity and comments, ‘That’s not a game.’ It is unclear whether she is concerned about The Baby’s safety, or just thinks the activity is really rubbish.

5. On birthdays, who’s having the cake
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are discussing The Baby’s upcoming birthday. The Toddler knows about birthdays: there is cake. Silly Mummy has suggested that there may also be balloons. The Toddler agrees that there can be balloons: ‘Daddy have balloon. Me have balloon. You have balloon, Mummy. The Baby have balloon. Computer not have balloon.’ This all seems eminently sensible so far. The Toddler has not finished: ‘And have candles. Have cake. Blow out candles. Not you have cake. Just me have cake.’ Just The Toddler have cake? On The Baby’s birthday? Silly Mummy sees further discussions about whose birthday it is marching over the horizon.

6. On surprises, not
The Toddler is finishing a jar of chocolate pudding that The Baby does not want. The Toddler is rather excited about it. Silly Daddy enters the room, and Silly Mummy comments, ‘The Toddler likes the choccy pudding.’
Silly Daddy, with more than a hint of sarcasm, replies, ‘There’s a surprise.’
The Toddler, entirely missing the sarcasm, is quick to set Daddy straight, ‘No, it’s not a surprise, Daddy.’

7. On computer games, attention to
Silly Daddy is trying to teach The Toddler to play a Harry Potter Lego game on the computer. Silly Daddy’s deeply convincing (*ahem*) argument as to why this is a purely educational exercise has been forgotten by Silly Mummy. Motor skills may have been mentioned. When Silly Mummy enters the room, The Toddler is on Silly Daddy’s lap at the computer. She excitedly informs Silly Mummy, ‘Me go on computer with my Daddy! Not you help. Just me help. Me help win again! I win again! It’s my turn! It’s you, Daddy! Good boy!’ Clearly, The Toddler is engrossed in this game and…(The Toddler sings) ‘Roly poly ever so slowly, roly poly hot hot hot…me want Peppa Pig on!’ Clearly, The Toddler was engrossed in that game.

8. On walking, leaving it to the experts
The Baby is practising her new skill of walking, tottering across the living room unassisted, before falling down. Silly Mummy claps and praises The Baby. The Toddler appears. Clearly something is going on here. The clapping is a sure sign of something going on, and The Toddler is going to find out what it is.
‘What’s The Baby doing, Mummy?’
‘She was walking, darling.’
The Toddler considers this information, and turns to The Baby: ‘Just let me do the walking.’ That’s right, The Baby, step aside and leave it to the experts, this is not amateur hour.

9. On watching something else
The Toddler has been watching Peppa Pig. As she does on days that end in ‘y’. Rather surprisingly, she suddenly announces, ‘Watch something else now.’ Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy try to hide their glee. Silly Daddy says, ‘What shall we watch?’
The Toddler bounces up and down: ‘More Peppa pig!’

10. On I spy
The Toddler says, ‘I spy with my little eye.’
Silly Mummy is surprised: ‘I didn’t know you knew I spy with my little eye.’
The Toddler replies, ‘No. Me don’t.’ Of course.

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 10: Silly Me

Trust Me, I’m a Toddler

Grandad is visiting. The Toddler needs to take a look at his leg. Thankfully, The Toddler is a doctor today. Goodness knows what we would have done if this had been one of the days when she is an imaginary painter and decorator.

Anyway, Grandad’s leg is playing up. Literally. It keeps waving around in a most indecorous manner. The Toddler is not impressed. This is not the proper way for a leg to behave. She tells the leg, in no uncertain terms, to: ‘Calm down!’

Doctor Toddler feels further investigations are needed: ‘Get doctor kit. Need to fix you, Grandad.’ The Toddler rushes off and returns with her doctor’s kit. She is now ready to take care of Grandad. She explains what she will be doing to Grandad: ‘Me check you.’

Out comes the stethoscope. The Toddler puts it on and holds the end to Grandad’s chest: ‘Breathe out.’ (Breathe out? Where has she learnt this? Has Silly Mummy tuned out the episode of Peppa Pig where Peppa goes to medical school: ‘Oh, Peppa! You can’t use defibrillators in a muddy puddle! Ho ho ho!’)
Grandad asks, ‘Am I okay?’
The Toddler is reassuring: ‘Yeah.’

The examination is not yet over. The Toddler is now brandishing an otoscope and prodding at Grandad’s ear. Grandad enquires, ‘How’re my ears?’
The Toddler has further good news: ‘It’s good!’

Grandad is not The Toddler’s only patient. The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy, waving medical instruments: ‘And you!’ Apparently, Silly Mummy is also due for a health check. Silly Mummy is a little nervous: The Toddler’s Peppa Pig and George figures have already undergone preliminary tests. Silly Mummy fears the results were not good: Peppa and George have been bundled into the doctor’s kit. That can’t be a good sign.

The Toddler has now checked Grandad’s reflexes with her little hammer, and threatened to ‘do something’ with the tweezers. Her examination of Grandad is complete, and The Toddler appears to have identified the problem. She points at Grandad: ‘This is not funny!’ It’s just good to finally have a diagnosis.

Eight Films That Failed To Be Peppa Pig

The Toddler has been watching new films. Mostly grudgingly, when Silly Mummy puts her foot down regarding the current Peppa Pig obsession.

Silly Mummy objects to Peppa Pig on a number of grounds. Firstly, There is only one season on Netflix. We are watching the same thirteen episodes repeatedly. Silly Mummy now suspects that this is where the superstitions surrounding the number thirteen actually originated: thirteen is unlucky if you are a parent with only one season of Peppa Pig.

Secondly, the theme tune. Oh, the theme tune! It haunts Silly Mummy’s dreams.

Thirdly, Peppa Pig sets a bad example. Splashing around in puddles constantly. Okay, probably not constantly. Constantly in this house (see complaint number one). Silly Mummy blames Peppa’s splashing for this demand from The Toddler during recent torrential rain: ‘Wellies on! Jump in puddle pool! Splash in puddle pool! Please, Mummy!’
Silly Mummy’s hair got wet, Peppa. Mummy Pig doesn’t have hair, does she, Peppa? Think you’d still be running about in the rain if she did, Peppa? No, you wouldn’t, Peppa.

Anyway, as Silly Mummy was saying, some films have also been watched. Therefore, welcome to the second edition of ‘guess what film The Toddler is talking about‘: the game you didn’t know you were playing. To keep things interesting/make things interesting/no, things are still not interesting, this time each clue is to a different film.

On with the game. Below are The Toddler’s insightful film reviews. Can you guess all the films? There will be a special commendation for anyone who can get number three. (Tip: You may want to think about the second half of films. The Toddler missed the first half of most of the films doing this: ‘No, don’t want this one! Want more Peppa Pig! More Peppa Pig, please! No, not watch this one! Turn it off! Want watch more Peppa Pig! Not this one!’)

1. ‘Yes, watch poo stinky.’

2. (The Toddler is dancing) Silly Mummy asks, ‘Are you being a monkey?’
‘No, not being a monkey…Look a mess! Make a mess!’

3. ‘Calm down, calm down.’

4. ‘Broomstick! Witch! Witch! The Toddler fly away! Ready steady go! Fly away! The Toddler can do it. The Toddler witch. Look: The Toddler has got a rabbit! Now The Toddler is doing something!’

5. ‘Wants to wear dressings. Wants to go to ball. Dance…[Name Removed]’s dress gone. Look! What’s wrong with [Name Removed]? Sad…Bib dob Bob dob doo!’

6. ‘Roar!’

7. ‘No, not racing. Not doing racing. Doing circles.’

8. ‘No can’t watch doggy woof woof. Turn it off! Want watch more Peppa Pig!’

 
 
With such obvious descriptions, Silly Mummy is sure no one needs them, but here are the answers.

1. Winnie The Pooh
The Toddler apparently got the wrong end of the stick when Silly Mummy said, ‘Are you watching Winnie the Pooh?’

2. The Jungle Book
The Toddler tried to copy Louie’s dancing during I Wanna Be Like You, but she was not being a monkey, okay? The Toddler was also apparently concerned about all the mess Louie was making. Who’s going to clean that up? Baloo?

3. Tangled
Rapunzel was crying. Obviously. What do you mean you didn’t get it?

4. Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Yes, the broomstick fishing rod came out. No, The Toddler did not magic any rabbits. But she was doing something.

5. Cinderella
Silly Mummy thought this one was quite a good description – and a fair rendition of Bibidi Babadi Bu – actually.

6. Monsters Inc
Because, you know, monsters roar.

7. Cars 2
They were not racing, they were just going in circles. Someone should employ The Toddler to commentate on Formula 1.

8. 101 Dalmatians
The Toddler only saw the first two minutes. She didn’t like it. It wasn’t Peppa Pig.