Tagged political humour

What If We Taught Our Children to Behave Like Brexit?

According to the Brexit brigade, Theresa May has this week done a ‘good’ thing for our country. The ‘right’ thing. This is the right thing to do. So I thought, that being correct, it would be okay to teach your kids to behave like the Brexiteers, right? You know, because they’re not doing anything wrong, are they? It’s the right thing for the country, so it must be the right way to raise the younger generation.

With that in mind, I have considered ten lessons we should be teaching our children if we want to raise them according to the lessons of Brexit.

 
 
1. Mistakes

If you make a mistake, whatever you do, don’t admit it was a mistake and fix it. Just plough on with the mistake. After all, once you do something stupid, you have no choice but to commit to the stupid, right?

 
2. Intolerance

Racism and xenophobia are bad…but, when confronted with racists, the thing to do is bend over backwards trying to mollify them and give them exactly what they want. In fact, it is a great idea to start spouting racism yourself. You know, so they’ll like you.

 
3. Bullies and Principles

Don’t stand up to bullies. Don’t stand up for what you believe in. Don’t stand up for vulnerable people. Don’t stand up for anything. Standing up for things is ‘whiny’.

 
4. Experts

Never listen to experts. We’re sick of experts.

 
5. Information

In fact, we are sick of education, information and facts. Be ignorant and proud of it.

 
6. Language

Use words that you like regardless of whether or not you understand them. Like ‘sovereignty’.

 
7. Friends

It’s usually a good idea to impulsively fall out with all of your friends. Tell them you hate them and you’re leaving. Never ever reflect on this at a later point. Instead, find the school maniac (he’ll be the one torturing local cats), and hold his hand.

 
8. Telling the Truth

Lie.

 
9. Sharing

Don’t share. Never share. Sharing is bad. There is NOT enough for everyone. Everything should be yours. You are more important than anyone else.

 
10. Self Preservation

Shoot yourself in the foot. Maintain that you have done the right thing, even whilst hopping in circles.

 
 
I’m sure they’ll turn out great. What could go wrong?

A Public Service Guide to Household Appliance Espionage

Now, I know many of you are deeply concerned by the revelation* that our microwaves are spying on us. The machines are rising up. Big Blender is watching you.

As you all know, I am nothing if not helpful, and I love a good public service guide. So, here’s my guide to your household appliances and their espionage links. Be informed. Know what you can trust.

 
 
The Risks

 
1. Microwaves

Microwaves, of course, cannot be trusted. Assuming that you know absolutely nothing about how microwaves work, lack all common sense, and have some form of paranoid delusional disorder, you will be aware that microwaves can sometimes turn into cameras and spy on you. Of course, there are some tips you can use to reduce the risks. Always microwave your food on under 50% power. The power setting is also the camera focus. When it’s cooking on 30% power, all pictures are blurry. No intelligence agency in the world can do anything with blurry footage of you singing I’m Too Sexy into a wooden spoon, while your soup cooks (slowly, because 30% power).

 
2. Vacuum Cleaners

Do you even need to ask. They literally have access to every corner of your life: as if there was ever any doubt that they are spies. Vacuum cleaners are particularly dangerous. They turn into teleporters. They collect your DNA from around your house and teleport it to Secret Service agents who, using cutting edge technology, are then able to ascertain that you are in fact living in your own house. Though, of course, that information will be classified.

 
3. Fryers

The fryer is a double agent. It really works for the treadmill.

 
4. Televisions

This one is very technical, so try to keep up. You know the little person who lives in your TV and writes the subtitles? Right, well, he or she also transcribes everything you say and sends it to shadowy persons unknown. Of course, if you’ve ever watched subtitles, this probably won’t concern you too much. Shadowy persons unknown will be receiving words only vaguely resembling actual words spoken, and only approximately a third of every sentence at that. Good luck with that, shadowy persons unknown (maybe look into anyone with an apparent interest in building bums).

 
5. Fridges

Just playing with you. You can trust your fridge.

 
6. Alarm Clocks

The alarm clock specialises in mind control and subversive techniques. Think about it. Did you want to get up? No. You just find yourself mindlessly obeying. Meanwhile, the snooze function literally creates sleeper agents.

 
7. Toasters

Don’t worry, your toaster isn’t spying on you. It’s just trying to kill you. Sleep well.

 
8. Showers

Well, really, I think if you need to be told never to get naked in front of any of your appliances, you are beyond help.

 
9. Hairdryers

Don’t be so paranoid. The hairdryer just wants you to look your best. You know, because there’s always someone watching.

 
10. Dishwashers

The dishwasher is the big spy boss. The M of the household appliance espionage operation. Be careful around it. Try developing a secret code or sign language if you need to communicate in the presence of the dishwasher (though make sure you are not in view of the microwave, obviously). Every so often, approach the dishwasher and whisper, ‘I’m on to you.’ Just to psyche it out.

 
 
What Next?

So, now we’ve identified the threats, what should you do? First of all, don’t panic. Survival is all about remaining calm under pressure. You will never make it in the cut-throat world of household espionage and intrigue if you fall apart at the first sign of being interrogated by the kettle.

Be safe and prepared. Wear a colander on your head at all times.

Have a strong disguise. Camoflage is key. Dress yourself as the curtains, or a banana, and your appliances will never realise you are actually in the house.

Don’t be surprised if you begin to receive secret communications from the radiators. There is an underground resistance. If you need to escape fast, speak to the dishes and the spoons: they can help you.

Know your rights. The hoovers have gone rogue, but most appliances do still recognise the Geneva Conventions. In the event of a breach of human rights, your electric whisk will represent you before the Tribunal, which will be presided over by the toasted sandwich maker.

As you sit dressed in your curtains and colander, eyeing your toaster suspiciously, muttering veiled threats in the direction of your dishwasher, taking legal advice from the whisk, and silently plotting your escape with the dish and spoon, whilst communicating only through blinks, you may begin to suspect you have actually gone mad. This is what they want you to think. Stay strong.

 
 
****AND FINALLY, REMEMBER: Careless talk…is of absolutely no interest to your microwave because it’s a f*?!*ing microwave.****

 
 

(*For ‘revelation’, read ‘bat shit crazy piece of nonsense from Kellyanne Conway’)

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Donald?

I think I have the solution. I know how to fix this. The Trump administration has given us alternative facts and fake news (which they claim is everywhere). I think this is the way out. Fake news – let’s use it, people.

 
First step: announce that the election was fake news. Never happened. Just put Barack back in the Oval Office: ‘Don, what are you doing in my office, bro?’

 
Second step: follow this script. Do not deviate.

Election hasn’t happened yet. Don’t you remember: it was postponed due to the Bowling Green Massacre?

Of course it didn’t happen. I mean, if you were elected, the inauguration crowds would have been the biggest ever seen, right, Don? Look at the pictures. No one was there. Because it didn’t happen.

Remember when you met the British leader? Nigel something or other? Yeah, that guy’s not the British Prime Minister. No one knows who that guy is, but we think a village somewhere is sans idiot. See? Make believe. A pretend President meeting a pretend Prime Minister. It was probably a dream.

But you’re living in the White House? Are you though? Really? Dude, where’s your wife? If you live here, where’s your wife?

You still think you’re the President? If you were the President, you wouldn’t be profiting from businesses that are a direct conflict of interest, would you? And we’d have seen your tax returns, right? Every President produces his tax returns. Dude, where’s your tax return? It just doesn’t seem very likely you’re the President, does it?

You want more evidence? Presidents have a State Department, don’t they? You know, one with staff in it. I think you know where this is going, Donald…Dude, where’s your State Department?

Presidents also attend intelligence briefings. Have you attended an intelligence briefing, Donald? No, you haven’t. Because you’re not the President.

If you were already the President, you wouldn’t have been election campaigning, would you? That would be a really strange thing to do if there had just been an election and you were supposed to be busy running the country, wouldn’t it? Have you been election campaigning recently, Donald?

Can you tie your tie, Donald? You’re not the President, are you, Donald? I know, it’s very confusing. Yes, you did sign things. But do you know what they were, Donald? Don’t you think a President would have known what they were? And the crayon, Donald? Did you think it was at all strange that you were signing Executive Orders with a crayon? And Sean Spicer? You can’t possibly have thought he was real? Could you not tell that was Melissa McCarthy in a wig?

On the plus side, Don, as none of this happened, at least you haven’t committed treason. Silver clouds, right? (Or golden showers, if you’d prefer.)

That’s right, Donald, just step this way. Just this door over here. Yes, I’m sure you will win the real election when it finally happens. A tremendous win, yes. Yes, you were the best fake President. No one fake presidents better than you. Really. Alec Baldwin gave fake presidenting a go, but he lost. Bigly. Sad. Now, here’s the door. Let’s just put your coat on, and you can get back to the election campaign. Yes, it is a funny looking coat. Very complicated, yes. Yes, the sleeves are supposed to wrap round like that…

 
 
I really think this would work. Fake news. All fake. I mean, that’s more believable than that the past month actually happened, right? We can do this. It. Never. Happened. Just channel Kellyanne Conway, and brazen it out. Hell, Kellyanne Conway will probably jump onboard and confirm the election was fake – I think she’s physically incapable of walking past a lie without repeating it.

 
 
 
 
*THE ‘OH WHAT THE HELL’ PLEA: I WASN’T GOING TO EVEN ATTEMPT NOMINATION FOR THE BiB AWARDS THIS YEAR BUT, AS I SAID, WHAT THE HELL! IF YOU LIKE MY BLOG, AND ARE FEELING VERY GENEROUS, YOU COULD ALWAYS NOMINATE ME IN THE READERS’CHOICE CATEGORY (OR MAYBE FAMILY AND LIFESTYLE) HERE. THANK YOU!*

An Entirely Fake History of Russia

Now, many of you are probably aware that, as a result of another serious President Trump opening his mouth incident, Russia has recently been downgraded from a country we were all under the impression actually exists to ‘fake news’. In ackowledgement of this change of status, I have compiled an entirely fake history of the fake country of Russia, to assist people in the task of not getting their facts straight.

So, here it is, the abridged version of…

 
 
An Entirely Fake History of Fake Russia

 
Background

Following the principle of ‘go big or go home’, those who invented the fake country of Russia, invented it as the largest country in the world. Some people suggested it might be a literal waste of space to allocate six and a half million square miles of land to a fake country, but by that time they’d already committed. Now, of course, if you are going to make a six and a half million square mile fake country, you’re going to need some fake people. 140 million fake people, in fact. Some of them are quite realistic. One managed to buy Chelsea Football Club. Russia has eleven time zones. In the circumstances, this would appear rather greedy and unnecessary. A number of countries claim to share land borders with Russia, but they don’t fool us – we know Russia doesn’t exist.

 
Tsardom of Russia*

The Tsardom of Russia began in the 16th century. The first Tsar was Ivan. He was terrible**. Terrible Tsar. The worst Tsar.

Russia became an empire and world power under Peter. Great man***. The Best.

Catherine ruled in the 18th century. Some people called her ‘Great’, but that was a lie spread by the fake news media. Crooked Catherine was a nasty woman.

By the eighteenth century, the Russian Empire was the third largest empire in history, and the largest if only imaginary empires were counted.

Russia fought against Napoleon in the Napoleonic Wars, but this was of limited value compared to the non-fake countries who participated in his defeat. Most notably Abba, who of course defeated Napoleon at Waterloo. Nonetheless, Napoleon’s attempt to invade Russia was disastrous. Historians disagree as to whether this was a result of the difficulties posed by the freezing Russian winter, or the difficulties inherent in invading a fake country (cold or otherwise). Despite being fake, Russia surprisingly sent a delegation to the Congress of Vienna following the Napoleonic Wars.

In the mid-nineteenth century, Russia faced an embarrassing defeat in the Crimean War, when everyone remembered Russia was fake and simply went home.

 
First World War

In 1914, Russia joined the First World War, but was isolated from its Triple Entente allies (they couldn’t see it because it didn’t exist). The fake people of this fake country became increasingly disgruntled with their fake lot, and mistrustful of their fake Tsar. So he was overthrown and eventually executed, along with his family. This may have been fake. In particular, the death of Anastasia Romanov was believed by many to be fake. Fake bodies can vanish so easily, it’s an occupational hazard of not being real.

 
Russian Revolution

You may believe you studied the Russian Revolution in school but, of course, you didn’t. It was fake. Lenin, the Bolsheviks, the October Revolution, Stalin, Trotsky…all fake news. I mean, come on: a bunch of farm animals took control of a farm in the name of equality but, following some in-fighting between two stupidly named pigs, created their own inequalities? That didn’t seem fake to you?**** Despite the fakeness of the Russian Revolution and Russia itself, Leninism is, of course, not fake (am I right, Steve?). (Though any suggestions of anyone currently pursuing Leninist aims, even if they made the suggestion themselves, is fake news.)

 
Second World War

During the Second World War, Hitler made the same mistake as Napoleon. Namely, attempting to invade a fake country. A cold fake country. It is hard to fight a war on two fronts, particularly when one front is a figment of your imagination.

 
The Cold War Era

Russia was the dominant force of the USSR, which eventually disbanded in 1991 when Gorbachev realised he was fake. Many of the ex-Soviet states have struggled to come to terms with the humiliation of having been run by a fake country for decades without noticing. Some people believe the ex-Soviet states are fake too. Mostly people in the White House who can’t pronounce the names of the ex-Soviet states.

The Cold War was a period of tension between the Eastern and Western Blocs (and particularly the USSR and the USA) following the Second World War. It was called a ‘cold’ war due to the lack of direct fighting (which it is now believed may possibly have been a result of the dubious existence of Russia). It has recently come to light that the Cold War was completely fake, with the USA confirming that it is friends with Russia and has always been friends with Russia. Any suggestion to the contrary is fake news. As, in fact, is Russia. (Just to be very clear – wouldn’t want any misreporting – when it comes to the New START Treaty, the USA is not friends with Russia, though Russia is still fake news, and the USA suspects that the New START Treaty is itself also fake news.)

In the 1960s, Russia was the first country to fake the sending of a man into space (and a woman), though the United States ultimately won the race to fake put a man on the moon.

 
Russia Post-1991

Following the breakdown of the USSR, Russia became the Russian Federation. People started to suspect this was fake when it took over from the New Republic in Star Wars.

Russia’s energy resources are the largest in the world. You know all that concern about non-renewable energy and fossil fuels running out? This is the reason for it. It was something of a blow to energy sustainability when it was realised that the largest supply of natural energy reserves exists in a fake country.

Russia possesses the largest stockpile of WMDs in the world. This is confusing, so listen closely. Iraq’s alleged WMDs were fake, Iraq is not. Russia’s WMDs are real, but Russia isn’t. Got it? No? Well then it is probably a little bit harsh expecting the President of the USA to understand Russia, isn’t it?

Russia is a permanent, though obviously fake, member of the UN Security Council, which is itself likely to be declared fake news any day now.

In 2014, the Crimean Peninsula of Ukraine held a referendum on accession to the Russian Federation. Despite deciding they would like to be annexed by a fake country, this was still a less stupid referendum result than Brexit. The annexation of Crimea by a made up country was a significant embarrassment to Ukraine and has not been accepted by the international community, which does not recognise land claims by imaginary countries.

Russian President-Prime Minister-President-Prime Minister-President Putin is definitely fake. He was created by JK Rowling. Don’t worry, Harry Potter is dealing with it.

 
 
 

*Featuring additional (fake) input from President Trump
**Literally: he was Ivan the Terrible
***Yes, Peter the Great
****Yes, that’s Animal Farm

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that everything I have said is complete bullshit. I am therefore officially more self-aware than the President of the USA when it comes to talking nonsense about Russia.

Twenty Seventeen (a Dystopian Tale)

donald-trump-1269282_1920I’ve had an idea for a book*. It’s a great idea. Nobody has better book ideas than me. All of the other books are overrated. I will write a great, great book. And I will make Mexico pay for that book.**

 
 
Plot Summary

The year is 2017. Wilbert Jones lives in the superstate of Trumpia. The superstate is dictated by a political regime referred to as ‘Altright’ in the government’s invented language, Fakenewspeak. Trumpia is controlled by a privileged elite, known as The Billionaire Party. Any thinking at all is punished as a ‘thoughtcrime’.

Trumpia was formed as a result of the Stupid Revolution, during which masses of the population decided to rebel against nothing very much in the most illogical manner possible, based on a belief in the most ridiculous lies imaginable. Significant sectors of society, furious at having a better standard of living and more rights than before, were convinced that they should no longer stand for this nonsense and demanded a return to ‘greatness’ (a word which here means ‘poverty, oppression and racism’). Meanwhile, rich, white males felt compelled to rebel against being the world’s most powerful group by demanding more power. Following The Stupid Revolution, The Billionaire Party was apparently in control of Trumpia. No one is quite sure how this happened.

The Party leader, Bigly Hand Brother, enjoys a cult of (narcissistic) personality, and inexplicably refers to himself only in the third person. Bigly Hand Brother is much loved, mostly by himself, and receives great praise and thanks, again, mostly from himself. Some people believe that Bigly Hand Brother does not really exist. He may have been created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Or be Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest persona. Bigly Hand Brother and The Billionaire Party are interested only in their own power. They have no interest in the well-being of the citizens of Trumpia.

Trumpia has four ministries. The Ministry of #AlternativeFacts rewrites history, deletes tweets, burns tax records and lies through its teeth. The Ministry of You Can Do Anything deals with equality and women’s rights. The Ministry of Greatness is responsible for cutting healthcare, birth control and tax for the rich, and destroying trade agreements, all in the best interests of well-being and prosperity for the normal man. The Ministry of White Supremacy has responsibility for construction (walls), supply (white sheets with eye holes), and the military (goose-stepping and salutes). The Ministry of the NRA is concerned with production (more guns).

A secret underground organisation, known as ‘The Women’, intends to destroy The Party. Bigly Hand Brother has declared The Women to be ‘big, fat pigs’. Instructions have been issued that any person found to be a member of The Women may be grabbed.

There are two other superstates: Europeanunionia and Russia***. There is a state of perpetual, unwinnable war between the superstates. Trumpia is at war with Europeunionia. Trumpia is friends with Russia. Trumpia has always been friends with Russia. A populace familiar with ‘Nothink’ seems to have accepted this, though it is not true. In fact, Trumpia, back in the days before the Stupid Revolution when it was known as ‘America’, was once an ally of Europeunionia, and at war with Russia. The new alliance began during ‘Hate Month’ in November 2016. A month Bigly Hand Brother dedicated to stirring up hatred of everything, except Russia. Brainwashed citizens now repeat the phrase ‘we’ve always been at war with Europeanunionia’. They have been told by the Party that the war is over Europeanunionia’s resettlement of some refugees (although this really isn’t any of Trumpia’s business) and, rather improbably, Europeunionia’s production of much better cars than Trumpia.

Whilst the Billionaire Party live in gold plated luxury, the standard of living for the majority of the population is intentionally kept low. The unwinnable war and breaking of trade agreements assist with this, along with the work of the Ministry of Greatness. The citizens of Trumpia are kept under constant surveillance. By Russia mostly.

Wilbert Jones works in the Ministry of #AlternativeFacts, censoring reality. He erases ‘overrated’ people, and creates crowds of people attending inaugurations. It is Wilbert’s job to ensure all figures, including those relating to hand size, are greatly exaggerated. References to debts owed to Russia, misspelt tweets, rape allegations and the Nineteenth Amendment to the Constitution are all eliminated by Wilbert and his colleagues in the Ministry.

Wilbert attempts to resist the Billionaire Party and sets up an alternative twitter account (@altwilbert).**** However, after being tricked by someone he believed to be an agent of The Women, who was really working for The Party, he is captured by the ‘Nothought Police’. He is ultimately waterboarded into submission. Bigly Hand Brother likes waterboarding.*****

 
Terminology of Trumpia

‘Nothink’ is the principle of accepting and repeating any claim – no matter how ludicrous, immoral, contradictory or blatantly untrue – without giving it a second thought, or subjecting it to any level of analysis, critical thinking or fact-checking.

‘Thoughtcrime’ refers to engaging in any rational thought at all. It is punished by the ‘Nothought Police’. Twitter is monitored to detect any citizens engaging in thinking. Bigly Hand Brother personally deals with twitter related thoughtcrime.

Fakenewspeak is a language invented by Bigly Hand Brother and The Party. It consists of a combination of nonsense words, misspelt words, and real words used in a ridiculous manner. Many have suspected that Fakenewspeak is a product of utter stupidity and inability to use the original language of America correctly. Bigly Hand Brother has refuted this claim, stating that: ‘Fakenewspeak is a great, great language – nobody makes up languages better than me, believe me.’

 
 
What do you think? Great book idea, right? I can’t shake the feeling that it is somehow familiar, though…******

 
 

(*I haven’t.

**All based on Trump quotes, just in case anyone thinks I’ve lost the plot.

***Conveniently didn’t even need adjusting – already ended in ‘ia’.

****Do check out the rogue twitter accounts apparently set up by employees of various US agencies that have had their official accounts gagged by the Trump administration. Let’s hope they’re real.

*****And other *ahem* ‘water’ based activities.

******It is familiar. It’s based on Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell, of course.)

 
 
‘There will be no curiosity, no enjoyment of the process of life. All competing pleasures will be destroyed. But always – do not forget this – always there will be the intoxication of power, constantly increasing and constantly growing subtler. Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.’

– George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four

The Pig in the Wig (a Trump Parody)

donald-j-trump-1342298_1280Inspired by Donald Trump’s Dr Seuss-esque ‘I have a good plan, a plan that is good, oh so good, you will like this good plan…’ (*this may not be an exact quote), I present my Trump parody, in the style of The Cat in the Hat.

 
 
 
The Pig in the Wig

November was coming.
The election not far away.
So we watched the debate
On that cold, cold, wet day.

All we could do was to
Watch
Watch
Watch
Watch
And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.

And then
Something went SNIFFLE!
How that sniffle made us bristle!

We looked!
Then we saw him step in, puffed up big!
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Pig in the Wig!
And he said to us,
‘I am the man for this gig!’

‘I know America’s not great,
Not from where I am stood,
But I have
A good plan that is good!’

‘I have a good plan we could try,’
Said the pig.
‘I know a good plan,’
Said the Pig in the Wig.
‘A really good plan.
I will show it to you.
America
Will be great again if I do.’

But Hillary Clinton said, ‘No! No!’
Make that pig go away!
Tell that Pig in the Wig
You feel only dismay.
He should not be President.
He should not be about.
He should not be President
That bigoted old lout!’

‘Sniff! Sniff! Have no fear.
Have no fear!’ said the pig.
‘My views are not bad,’
Said the Pig in the Wig.
‘Why, we can have
Lots of fun, Madam Secretary,
With a game that I call
Lie-lie-lie to the unwary!’

‘Let me speak!’ said Hillary.
‘This is absolute bullshit!
Let me speak!’ said Hillary.
‘I fear you have lost it!’

‘Have no fear!’ said the pig.
‘This is no bullshit.
I’m telling you now:
Everyone knows it!
My IQ is the highest!
My hands are so big!
But that is not ALL I can claim!’
Said the pig…

‘Look at me!
Look at me now!’ said the pig.
‘I am rich, I’m the richest!
I’m a self proclaimed bigwig!
I can stalk Hillary across the stage!
I can incite assassination!
I can demand the President’s birth certificate!
And oppose immigration!
And look!
I’m a loose cannon ball!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all…

Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have white male privilege
But you have to know how.
I can advocate eugenics.
And be horribly racist!
I can insult all of Mexico!
And be quite the misogynist!
I can abuse Rosie O’Donnell
And Megyn Kelly!
And look! With my conspiracies
I can accuse Hillary!
I can grope any woman
As I build a big wall!
But that is not all.
Oh, no.
That is not all…’

That is what the Pig said…
Then someone fact checked!
He seems rather corrupt.
He has no concept of consent.
And we started to think,
This man CAN’T be President!

‘Now look what you said!’
Said Mrs Clinton to the pig.
‘Now look at this footage!
Look at this! Look, you pig!
You’re friendly with Putin,
You’ve been accused of rape.
You advocated sexual assault
And were recorded on tape.
You SHOULD NOT be President.
This is our plea:
You get out of this race!
Even Republicans agree.’

‘But I like to be here.
Oh, I like it a lot!’
Said the Pig in the Wig,
Looking alarmingly apricot.
‘I will NOT go away.
I do NOT wish to go!
And so,’ said the Pig in the Wig,
‘So
So
So…
I will show you
Another good game that I know!’

And then he ran out.
And then, in the strangest of manoeuvres,
The Pig in the Wig
Came back with a bizarre panel of accusers.

Then he stood up front
With a tip of his wig.
‘I call this game BILL-DID-IT-TOO,’
Said the pig.
‘This panel is here to prove
(And you may call it irrelevant piffle)
That Bill Clinton did something bad too,’
Said the pig, with a sniffle.

‘Oh dear!’ said the rest of the world.
‘Trump is a dangerous narcissist, we proclaim…
Oh dear.
He has no shame!
He has no shame!
He has no shame!’

Then the pollsters came in
And asked, ‘Is it true?
Will you vote for this man?
Tell us. What will you do?’

To the responses received we don’t know
What to say.
How can you justify
The bigotry on display?

Should this man be elected?
What SHOULD they do?
Well…
What would YOU do
If your conscience asked you?

 
 

(*The Serious Bit

Don’t let my terrible rhymes be in vain. If you live in America, please don’t let Trump be elected. Please don’t assume that he can be controlled by Congress or advisers. (Remember both Mussolini and Hitler came to power legitimately through the system, and could not be controlled.) This man is dangerous, not just to America, but to the whole world. He is not qualified. He is not capable. He is not reasonable. Please vote for Hillary. Please do not abstain, or vote for a third party candidate, because you believe tactical voting for a candidate you do not particularly like is unprincipled. There is a place for idealism, but idealism is easy: sometimes it is a cop out. We live in the real world, and often the most principled thing you can do is the thing that will actually have an impact in this real world we live in, even if it is not your ideal option. Besides, this is not a choice between two candidates you do not like, not this time. You may not like either of them, but it is still a choice between a rational, intelligent, experienced politician; and an erratic, delusional, unqualified narcissist. That is not a difficult choice. You would not believe someone with no medical experience or qualifications should be Chief of Staff in a hospital, why would you support someone with no relevant experience or qualifications to run a country?

And for all of us not living in America, we can’t do anything about the outcome of this election. However, the attitudes Donald Trump represents are not confined to the US. As usual, the US may be doing it bigger, but people like Trump, far right movements, they are rising in Britain and across Europe. People are supporting them in Britain and across Europe. It needs to stop.*)

Referendum Dogs (a Parody)

Reservoir_Dogs_Game_PS2_Front_Cover‘Every dog has his day.’

 
I can’t help but notice that the EU Referendum fallout and the subsequent Tory leadership battle seems to be, well, Reservoir Dogs. Referendum Dogs, if you will. The plot is as follows.

 
A group have orchestrated a heist on Britain. Call it a ‘referendum’ if you like, but they seem to have taken the value of our currency, our stability, our government, our national sanity, the EU, probably Scotland, and possibly Northern Ireland, so I’m calling it a heist.

The heist has been carried out by six people, acting under aliases: Mr Blue-Blood-Tory (aka David Cameron), Mr Brown-Shirt (aka Nigel Farage), Mr Pink-and-Smarmy (aka George Osborne), Mr Whiteish-Hair (aka Boris Johnson), Mr Orange-You-Sick-of-Seeing-His-Face (aka Michael Gove), and Miss Blonde (aka Theresa May). It appears the whole thing was orchestrated by mob, sorry newspaper, boss Rupert Murdoch.

The heist has gone a little awry. There has been substantial blood lost, everyone is blaming each other, and it is doubtful anyone is coming out alive.

Mr Brown-Shirt met his end immediately, becoming utterly irrelevant the second the heist began.

Mr Blue-Blood played his part in setting up the heist, but has been missing, presumed dead ever since.

Mr Whitish-Hair may have had his suspicions that the whole thing was a stupid idea from the start, but he had his own ambitions to achieve here.

Mr Whitish-Hair and Mr Orange-Etc appear be helping each other. Mr Whitish-Hair trusts Mr Orange-Etc, defending him when the others accuse Mr Orange-Etc of being an undercover leadership candidate who set them all up. Mr Whiteish-Hair is subsequently devastated when Mr Orange-Etc eventually confesses that he is indeed a leadership candidate. In the aftermath of the ensuing leadership Mexican standoff, it appears likely that the Prime ministerial ambitions of both Mr Whiteish-Hair and Mr Orange-Etc are dead.

Meanwhile, Miss Blonde doesn’t exactly seem to playing the same game as everyone else, and many suspect that she likes to torture people.

Whilst Mr Pink-and-Smarmy has quietly snuck out and vanished, and one rather fears that he was the one in possession of the money.

 
 

Come on, everyone, sing with me: ‘Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right…’

Now, own up: whose bright idea was it to let Quentin Tarantino start directing the United Kingdom??

 
 
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